waitedtoolong Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Am I the back-up plan? When I started dating my fiance, she was an international student from Japan. We started dating 5 years ago and moved in together soon after. We lived together for 3 years. She returned to Japan 2.5 years ago. When she returned to Japan, she was supposed to come back the the US after a couple months. I have been waiting for 2.5 years for her to come back a few months at a time. Honestly, if I knew that I'd be waiting for over 2 years, I would have broke up with her when she returned to Japan. Even worse, during the time we have been apart, I've lost contact with her for months at a time several times (2-3 months on average, 6 months is the longest). I proposed to her a year and a half ago. And when I lost contact with her for 6 months, I emailed her for her to send me the ring back. She then started calling me everyday, crying, to tell me how sorry she was and that she wanted to be with me. Now we are in the process of getting her fiance visa so that we can get married. Now I cannot stop thinking about if she was (is?) cheating on me. I feel like I was just the backup plan and now that things are not working out, she is coming back to be with me. I waited on pins and needles for her for the last 2 and a half years. But I don't think she waited for me. I can't explain how much of a dupe I feel. We still have about 6 months until the visa is approved and we will be able to be together again. In 6 months, we will have been apart longer than we have been physically together... I feel like I wasted my entire 20's waiting for a girl that was never planning to come back. Just thinking about how I wasted my time, for so long, makes me so depressed. During the entire 2.5 years we have been apart, we've only seen each other 5 times... I went to Japan 3 times and she had come to visit me twice. Technically she can be with me while we wait for the visa. Japanese citizens can visit the US for 3 months without a visa (visa-waiver program). I told her that I felt I waited for too long, and that if she wanted to be with me, she needs to come be with me for 3 months while we wait for the visa. Initially she told me she will, but now she changed her mind. At the most she can stay with me for a month (most likely only 3 weeks though). I'm in my late 20's now and I feel like I missed out on love. What should I do? Sitting here lonely, sad, and anxious, waitedtoolong
LittleTiger Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I'm in my late 20's now and I feel like I missed out on love. Hi waitedtoolong. I'm sorry you're in this situation. LDRs are tough and, if I'm brutally honest, your's doesn't sound like a good one. I read your post but I think this last sentence says it all. If you feel like you missed out on love then she isn't the girl for you. She's not making you happy and she's not fulfilling any of your needs but she seems perfectly happy getting on with her own life. You say you 'lost contact' completely for 6 months!!! If I lost contact with my man for more than 1 day I'd be frantic - not that he stopped loving me, but that something had happened to him. This doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship, I'm sorry to say. You say your 'fiance' could be with you for three months before the visa comes through, if she chose to be - and she's choosing not be. If she loved you she would be with you as soon as she could be. I don't want to cruel but it looks to me as though this is a 'green card marriage' as far as she's concerned. If I were you, I'd cut my losses and move on. Don't waste any more of your life waiting for a girl who doesn't really love you.
folieadeux Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 The fact that she's voluntarily choosing not to be with you when she can speaks louder than any words that can be posted on here. I couldn't fathom planning a wedding under these circumstances. Sorry to be harsh, but I would cut your losses now and not waste anymore time.
DonnyWhoLovedBowling Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I agree with Little Tiger. This is a very unfortunate situation. I can't fathom how you could lose contact for months at a time and still believe that things were going smoothly. I would be worried after a day and completely done after several days (if I knew she was safe) -- particularly in a day and age with instant messenger, skype, texting, etc. It takes zero effort to keep in touch. As much as it pains you, it sounds like the best step is to cut your losses and walk away. Good luck.
Author waitedtoolong Posted October 29, 2010 Author Posted October 29, 2010 Thank you all for your responses. I was thinking the same thing. At times I thought I might have been too needy by wanting to talk everyday, but you all have confirmed that talking at least once a day is necessary. It is really hard to just move on, but I think you all are right. I need to cut my losses. I keep thinking that maybe this will work out. But also I keep thinking that she will never come and that I am the only one in this that is holding on.
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