DitkasMoustache Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 A few months ago I posted my experience in regards to my W's EA. The advice here was extremely useful, but it was the support of LS'ers that really struck home. There's so much good info here and hearing others' experiences made me aware that my situation is not unusual, and that I'm not an aberration because my W cheated. However, it's an awful lot to process. The 180 advice is great but for someone who's just learned of their WS' A/EA it can be a bit much (it was for me). So I thought I'd boil down what I feel are the bare essentials for surviving an A/EA. This is by no means comprehensive, authoritative, or even necessarily useful but if your D-Day just happened and you're scrambling trying to figure out what to do I hope this helps. It seems to have worked well for me as I'm in a far better place mentally, emotionally and spiritually than I was just three short (long?) months ago. And please feel free to to critique this because, after all, it's the aggregate advice of the LS community that helps and not just one person's take on things. 1. You WILL get through this Talk to anyone who's gone through the fallout of an A and they will tell you this because it's true. Every part of your being is denying this right now, and that's fine. You're on a path that seems to be leading right into a mushroom cloud and it's going to be very hard to see past that. The journey appears to be deadly to you heart, your mind and possibly your body, but that's just an illusion caused by the emotional devastation you've experienced. I heard this exact phrase from numerous friends (apparently, A/EAs are a lot more common than I was previously aware ). I rejected it out of hand but now that I've gone this far down the path I can see that it's absolutely true. Write it down, sing it in the car, lull yourself to sleep with it. You WILL get through this. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS! 2. Grieve What you've experienced is essentially the death of your marriage. The life you thought you had, or thought you were going to have, simply does not exist anymore. If you and your WS decide to rebuild you will not be rebuilding what you had, instead you'll be building something new. Your M has died and the only healthy way to deal with that is to grieve it as you would a loved one. Anyone who has taken Psychology 101 knows of The Five Stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. If you're unfamiliar with it the Wiki entry is short and accurate. Know that you'll probably go through all five stages multiple times, sometimes even within the same day. This is normal. Really. You're human, not a robot and this isn't an occasion that you should feel compelled to process things in a linear fashion. 3. If you need help, get help Whether it's family, friends or trained professionals, your biggest asset is going to be the support of those who care about you. Don't be ashamed about your circumstances, or about finding that this is too much to bear alone. My smartest move so far was realizing immediately that I was having very unhealthy thoughts and, as such, making a call to the doctor. I'm a big, bad former-paratrooper and never thought I'd end up on a doc's couch, but the individual and marital counseling has given me a perspective that I would have never gotten otherwise. I've also spent far more time in the Self-Help section of the bookstore than I thought I was capable of, but sucking it up and grabbing a few helpful titles has given me a much broader assortment of knowledge, advice and ideas than I had before. 4. Own your issues The silver lining (as far as I'm concerned) when someone finds their S has had an A/EA is that it prompts a lot of introspection. Take stock of your life and identify those areas in which you can find room for improvement. Your first instinct in all of this is probably going to be to do whatever you can to make yourself "better" for your WS. That's totally cool in the short term because it's natural, but in the back of your mind you should remind yourself that ultimately you are affecting positive changes for YOU and not him/her. If you two decide to fix the M then great... you've improved your chances for a happy lifetime together. If you decide to D it'll be a boon to you and you'll be better equipped for the future. I was finally able to confront my financial issues and, most importantly, my depression. I was able to learn how depression and anxiety had impacted my M and my life outside of it, and am figuring out how to cope and adjust so that I don't repeat the same patterns. Basically, do everything that you can to turn tragedy into a useful experience to grow. "Live without regret" is bull**** advice because having regrets means you learned something. Learn from this and grow from it. 5. You do not deserve this Feeling guilty about your WS' A is totally par for the course. You're probably going to have a lot of "I suck" moments. I can say in all honesty, though, that the situation for me improved greatly when I had this revelation: "Regardless of how big a disappointment I may have been as a husband and friend, I do not deserve this." It was only at that point that I could begin to untangle my head and my heart and start moving in a positive direction. Seriously. You do not deserve this, and you know it 6. Do one positive thing each day This kind of ties into number 4, but I don't really consider it self-improvement. It's more self-preservation. Your life feels as though it's disintegrated. You're a smashed piece of sculpture and you're scrambling to put all the pieces back together. In the midst of that it's easy to overlook the fundamental stuff. Shortly after I realized I was headed off the rails I made one simple promise to myself: "Each day I will do at least one thing to improve myself, my baby or my family." I started small. If I remembered to eat during the day I considered that a success (seriously... don't forget to take care of yourself. You're no good to yourself if you get sick or exhausted from lack of sleep). Taking care of the baby was easy because he and are in a routine (I'm basically a single-dad at this point), but I made a concerted effort to get him out of the house each day and do something totally unrelated to fixing my M. If I called my W to chat and it didn't devolve into an argument, I considered that a Good Day. Eventually you'll find yourself tackling bigger things but for the time being don't set the bar so high that you're setting yourself up for failure. The little stuff is plenty for the time being. Finally, when all else fails or if you listen to nothing else, just refer to number 1 up there. You WILL get through this.
Fieldsofgold Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 A few months ago I posted my experience in regards to my W's EA. The advice here was extremely useful, but it was the support of LS'ers that really struck home. There's so much good info here and hearing others' experiences made me aware that my situation is not unusual, and that I'm not an aberration because my W cheated. However, it's an awful lot to process. The 180 advice is great but for someone who's just learned of their WS' A/EA it can be a bit much (it was for me). So I thought I'd boil down what I feel are the bare essentials for surviving an A/EA. This is by no means comprehensive, authoritative, or even necessarily useful but if your D-Day just happened and you're scrambling trying to figure out what to do I hope this helps. It seems to have worked well for me as I'm in a far better place mentally, emotionally and spiritually than I was just three short (long?) months ago. And please feel free to to critique this because, after all, it's the aggregate advice of the LS community that helps and not just one person's take on things. 1. You WILL get through this Talk to anyone who's gone through the fallout of an A and they will tell you this because it's true. Every part of your being is denying this right now, and that's fine. You're on a path that seems to be leading right into a mushroom cloud and it's going to be very hard to see past that. The journey appears to be deadly to you heart, your mind and possibly your body, but that's just an illusion caused by the emotional devastation you've experienced. I heard this exact phrase from numerous friends (apparently, A/EAs are a lot more common than I was previously aware ). I rejected it out of hand but now that I've gone this far down the path I can see that it's absolutely true. Write it down, sing it in the car, lull yourself to sleep with it. You WILL get through this. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS! 2. Grieve What you've experienced is essentially the death of your marriage. The life you thought you had, or thought you were going to have, simply does not exist anymore. If you and your WS decide to rebuild you will not be rebuilding what you had, instead you'll be building something new. Your M has died and the only healthy way to deal with that is to grieve it as you would a loved one. Anyone who has taken Psychology 101 knows of The Five Stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. If you're unfamiliar with it the Wiki entry is short and accurate. Know that you'll probably go through all five stages multiple times, sometimes even within the same day. This is normal. Really. You're human, not a robot and this isn't an occasion that you should feel compelled to process things in a linear fashion. 3. If you need help, get help Whether it's family, friends or trained professionals, your biggest asset is going to be the support of those who care about you. Don't be ashamed about your circumstances, or about finding that this is too much to bear alone. My smartest move so far was realizing immediately that I was having very unhealthy thoughts and, as such, making a call to the doctor. I'm a big, bad former-paratrooper and never thought I'd end up on a doc's couch, but the individual and marital counseling has given me a perspective that I would have never gotten otherwise. I've also spent far more time in the Self-Help section of the bookstore than I thought I was capable of, but sucking it up and grabbing a few helpful titles has given me a much broader assortment of knowledge, advice and ideas than I had before. 4. Own your issues The silver lining (as far as I'm concerned) when someone finds their S has had an A/EA is that it prompts a lot of introspection. Take stock of your life and identify those areas in which you can find room for improvement. Your first instinct in all of this is probably going to be to do whatever you can to make yourself "better" for your WS. That's totally cool in the short term because it's natural, but in the back of your mind you should remind yourself that ultimately you are affecting positive changes for YOU and not him/her. If you two decide to fix the M then great... you've improved your chances for a happy lifetime together. If you decide to D it'll be a boon to you and you'll be better equipped for the future. I was finally able to confront my financial issues and, most importantly, my depression. I was able to learn how depression and anxiety had impacted my M and my life outside of it, and am figuring out how to cope and adjust so that I don't repeat the same patterns. Basically, do everything that you can to turn tragedy into a useful experience to grow. "Live without regret" is bull**** advice because having regrets means you learned something. Learn from this and grow from it. 5. You do not deserve this Feeling guilty about your WS' A is totally par for the course. You're probably going to have a lot of "I suck" moments. I can say in all honesty, though, that the situation for me improved greatly when I had this revelation: "Regardless of how big a disappointment I may have been as a husband and friend, I do not deserve this." It was only at that point that I could begin to untangle my head and my heart and start moving in a positive direction. Seriously. You do not deserve this, and you know it 6. Do one positive thing each day This kind of ties into number 4, but I don't really consider it self-improvement. It's more self-preservation. Your life feels as though it's disintegrated. You're a smashed piece of sculpture and you're scrambling to put all the pieces back together. In the midst of that it's easy to overlook the fundamental stuff. Shortly after I realized I was headed off the rails I made one simple promise to myself: "Each day I will do at least one thing to improve myself, my baby or my family." I started small. If I remembered to eat during the day I considered that a success (seriously... don't forget to take care of yourself. You're no good to yourself if you get sick or exhausted from lack of sleep). Taking care of the baby was easy because he and are in a routine (I'm basically a single-dad at this point), but I made a concerted effort to get him out of the house each day and do something totally unrelated to fixing my M. If I called my W to chat and it didn't devolve into an argument, I considered that a Good Day. Eventually you'll find yourself tackling bigger things but for the time being don't set the bar so high that you're setting yourself up for failure. The little stuff is plenty for the time being. Finally, when all else fails or if you listen to nothing else, just refer to number 1 up there. You WILL get through this. This is excellent, and will apply to lots of situations, not just affair suvival. In fact, I'm copying it even as we speak. Thank you for posting it. And I wish you the best with your situation.
imagine Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Thanks for your input. What steps have you used to try and save your marriage? What is your circumstances like at this time?
Doing it Since '78 Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 (edited) Great list, my contribution 7. Do not obsess over what your WAS is/was thinking, is doing,how they are coping, feeling sorry for their poor decisions, or the lack of empathy they show you- Never compare your inside to their outside, just because they are bragging about how good they are doing, does not mean that at the end of the day they are not crying themselves to sleep-You were werent you? 8. Facebook, Twitter, grapevine, rumors, etc-Pay those things no mention. Do not stalk, either via internet or otherwise, everytime you see/read a new FB update about how sore her anus is from a romp in your car with her OM, you will find yourself back at square one. Delete them from your life, for good, and pay no attention to the rumors you hear about them doing bad-People are probably telling the WS the same thing about you 9. Also, why won't they be upfront and honest about their feelings toward me-If they wanted you they know exactly how to get you, and what to do to get you-THEY DON'T WANT YOU, if they did they wouldn't have cheated in the first place. By the time they figure out who the real problem is, hopefully you have loooong moved on from their disfunction, and another reason is they are consumate liars. They have been lying to themselves, what makes you thik they will tell you the truth? Actions speak louder than words! If they are telling you they love you, but are dropping their knickers for OM/OW-They are LYING, plain and simple. Once again, if they wanted you, they would come and get you. 10. And really, think about your WS during the course of your marriage, they were not perfect, knock them off of their pedestal and see them for who they really are-Liars, dishonest, sadistic, selfish, self absorded, whorish, etc-That is the real them, not the fantasy princess/prince that you have made them out to be Do not compare yourself to, or get angered regarding the OM/OW-It is not their problem your WS is a whore, matter of fact it is now theirs 11. Realize what you want for your life, and follow that goal. Don't concern yoursefl with leaving the WS behind, they abandoned ship, not you. Let them drive and crash, or drive and win-either way they are not riding shotgun with you, so get your $hit together and enjoy your life Watch out for signs that you are in crisis yourself. If you see yourself spending too much money, or hanging with losers and deadbeats, or taking risks unlike your true personality, take a step back and analyze WHY? You can easily find yourself in crisis after this emotional kick in the nuts 12. Let is go, Let it go, Let is go-Bitterness, hate, anger will have you suffering from anothers poor decisions long after the dust settles, and why should you suffer for the remainder of your life because the WS is a @ss clown? Sorry no thanks, forgiveness begins and ends with YOU! Edited October 28, 2010 by Doing it Since '78
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