Only married a couple of months, but can't see a way forward

[desperategirl]

Early on in our relationship, my husband's father wrote a letter saying that I obviously came from a family that did not love each other, and are not close. This could not be further from the truth. In any case, he had never met my family, and only met me once. He was also saying how special his family is, and how hardly anyone has the exceptional kind of specialness that they have.

 

Needless to say this abuse of my entire family caused huge rows.

 

After this I refused to go to his family functions - not a big deal, I didn't argue with his family, just, aside from a funeral, I chose not to go to parties and stuff. They live a long way away anyway, so it's not that strange for us not to see them.

 

I went to see the family one boxing day, and I tried to talk to his sister in law, who turned her back on me and refused to talk to me. Same as his brother.

 

When I told my husband this, he said he found it 'hard to believe.'

 

We were planning the wedding, and his mother gave us a list of people to invite. She forgot to put some people on there, and I said that because of the amount of space, we couldn't invite them until other people turned us down, as they literally wouldn't fit in. She threatened to start un-inviting other people. I said no, we can just wait for the rsvps. I was very calm and polite in my e-mail, both my mother and husband read my e-mail and said I should send it, it's ok. Neither of his mother or father bothered replying. They told their son they are 'terrified' of me, as I always get angry at what they say.

 

On our wedding day, his parents wouldn't wear the flowers I bought them and we'd asked his brother to sit at the back of the church with his two young (noisy) children, one of whom has aspergers. We asked if he could take the children out if they started being noisy. We really didn't want any noise during the ceremony.

 

The brother said he would do it. As I walked up the aisle, the young son was running up and down the aisle shouting 'I don't want to be here.' He then sat in the front row, and screamed throughout the service, ruining the vows. My husband and I kept looking over, gesturing to take him out, but he didn't take him out. After a long time, he took him to the back of the church, but not out, and let him scream even louder so that the service was ruined.

 

During the speeches, both of his brothers made speeches (without asking me first). Neither of them mentioned the bride. At one point during the evening, I looked over at his brother, who made sure I was looking at him, then pointed at me and said something to the guy next to him and laughed. Nice thing to do to a bride on her wedding day, huh? This idiot is a lay preacher at his church, and thinks he's really special, but he's a nasty piece of work.

 

The next day, my husband's sister in law (mother of the awful children) went on facebook, laughing at me for having a free bar, and saying that she had to get drunk to survive the day.

 

Until a few days ago, when a couple of friends rang my husband to say that his brother had been rude to them, my husband did not believe a word I said about this. Now he believes it all, but I feel betrayed and let down, like he should be the one who has my back, and he didn't actually believe the things I was telling him. Like I was lying or something.

 

The honeymoon was ruined by arguments.

 

I feel like I just don't trust him or love him anymore, but I've only been married a couple of months.

 

What should I do?

[iheartboobs]

Damn.

 

Just... damn.

 

This stuff is new to your husband and he probably doesn't really understand how upset his actions have made you. Women understand unspoken communication much better than men, but they don't seem to want to accept that. Have you sat your husband down and explained the situation and how it makes you feel like you would a little child? If you haven't, chances are that he really doesn't get how you feel or why you're upset. We're not like women, y'all know exactly what's wrong with us without us saying a word, but we have no clue what's bothering you (or, most of the time, even if you're upset at all) unless you spell it out for us.

 

Tell your husband that he needs to realize that you (his wife) comes first and that you are now his immediate family. He also needs to realize that even if there has just been a misunderstanding between you and members of his family (because I don't know any of y'all - they could be lovely people and you may be a psycho) that it's still a problem important enough for you to talk to him about and that means it bothers you and should be adressed and not ignored. Finally, tell him how it makes you feel that your friend's claims are believed but yours are dismissed out of hand.

 

Don't just accuse him, but be sure to tell him how you feel. Tell him you don't feel loved and that you feel you can't trust him to back you up like he should. If you think you're falling out of love with him, then for the love of God be sure to tell him that! Suggest counseling if you think you need it. I hope it works out. Good luck.

[HopelessinDTW]

Early on in our relationship, my husband's father wrote a letter saying that I obviously came from a family that did not love each other, and are not close. This could not be further from the truth. In any case, he had never met my family, and only met me once. He was also saying how special his family is, and how hardly anyone has the exceptional kind of specialness that they have.

 

Needless to say this abuse of my entire family caused huge rows.

 

After this I refused to go to his family functions - not a big deal, I didn't argue with his family, just, aside from a funeral, I chose not to go to parties and stuff. They live a long way away anyway, so it's not that strange for us not to see them.

 

I went to see the family one boxing day, and I tried to talk to his sister in law, who turned her back on me and refused to talk to me. Same as his brother.

 

When I told my husband this, he said he found it 'hard to believe.'

 

We were planning the wedding, and his mother gave us a list of people to invite. She forgot to put some people on there, and I said that because of the amount of space, we couldn't invite them until other people turned us down, as they literally wouldn't fit in. She threatened to start un-inviting other people. I said no, we can just wait for the rsvps. I was very calm and polite in my e-mail, both my mother and husband read my e-mail and said I should send it, it's ok. Neither of his mother or father bothered replying. They told their son they are 'terrified' of me, as I always get angry at what they say.

 

On our wedding day, his parents wouldn't wear the flowers I bought them and we'd asked his brother to sit at the back of the church with his two young (noisy) children, one of whom has aspergers. We asked if he could take the children out if they started being noisy. We really didn't want any noise during the ceremony.

 

The brother said he would do it. As I walked up the aisle, the young son was running up and down the aisle shouting 'I don't want to be here.' He then sat in the front row, and screamed throughout the service, ruining the vows. My husband and I kept looking over, gesturing to take him out, but he didn't take him out. After a long time, he took him to the back of the church, but not out, and let him scream even louder so that the service was ruined.

 

During the speeches, both of his brothers made speeches (without asking me first). Neither of them mentioned the bride. At one point during the evening, I looked over at his brother, who made sure I was looking at him, then pointed at me and said something to the guy next to him and laughed. Nice thing to do to a bride on her wedding day, huh? This idiot is a lay preacher at his church, and thinks he's really special, but he's a nasty piece of work.

 

The next day, my husband's sister in law (mother of the awful children) went on facebook, laughing at me for having a free bar, and saying that she had to get drunk to survive the day.

 

Until a few days ago, when a couple of friends rang my husband to say that his brother had been rude to them, my husband did not believe a word I said about this. Now he believes it all, but I feel betrayed and let down, like he should be the one who has my back, and he didn't actually believe the things I was telling him. Like I was lying or something.

 

The honeymoon was ruined by arguments.

 

I feel like I just don't trust him or love him anymore, but I've only been married a couple of months.

 

What should I do?

Ok sounds like you had an awful wedding day, and the planning that went on before it. Your husband's family sounds like a bunch of a**holes, and I can completely relate. You'll have to deal with them as long as you are married. So to answer your question...Why did you marry him in the first place? What positive qualities does he have that attracted you to him? How long did you date before getting married? Did he act like this before being married? If you take his family out of the picture, would you still feel the way you do now? I really think you need to speak with him, and tell him EXACTLY how you feel. And that you really need him to back you up. He's obviously not use to be married...only 2 months. Don't make any rash decisions on emotion, think it through first. And do everything you can possible think of before taking a leap into divorce.

[LuckyClover]

iheartboobs, that is the best advice, Listen to him. HopelessinDTW, I agree with the question "Why did you marry him in the first place?". desperategirl, life is made up of decisions. It doesn't matter what choice you make; as long as, you can get through it's affect on your present. Good God Girl!! if iheartboobs advice doesn't work and I mean some serious actions towards showing at least, respect. I would leave his ass the next day. Get out of that mess.. If you don't think it's going to get better; by God, get it anulled. Don't have kids, Don't buy a house, Don't even buy him Christmas. Just go home, pack up and leave. He doesn't owe you **** and vice versa. Really, it's only been 2 months, it will be okay, His family pushed you out. Sorry

[imagine]

Desperate girl,

 

At this stage of your marriage, parent need to retire. You and your husband need each other.

 

I recommend marriage councilling BEFORE you get married. Do it now.

[desperategirl]

To everyone who answered:

 

Thank-you so very much for taking the time to respond. It's so lovely, and really helpful too.

 

I am going to follow the advice to talk to him. It's weird, it feels almost like I've got to a point where I don't want it to work, but I shall try to readjust my headspace.

[iheartboobs]

If it's only been a few months and you already don't think you want it to work out, then you really need to reflect on the reasons you got married in the first place.

 

Were you in love with your husband or simply in love with the idea of having a husband? A lot of women view a big wedding as a goal, like it's the end of a journey... well, guess what? It's not. The wedding is just the begining of the journey.

 

I'm not trying to put this all on you... I get that it's not your fault his family is full of A-holes trying to make things as hard for you as possible, but I also can't believe that they weren't like this before you got married. If the way your husband's family acts and his dismissal of it weren't enough to make you quit loving him before you got married, why is it now? Honestly, is it because there's no big wedding to reward you for your hard work any more? If that's the reason, you need to decide if you really love this man... because if you don't, things are only going to get harder for the both of you.