Separated MMs

[newlife2010]

I don't think he'd let me back off, he pretty much wants me full-time, all the time. And I'm tired of it. If I arrange something with a friend, he wants to come with, and I have to say, this friend doesn't know about you because you're married. Then I feel stupid for doing something I don't want to share with my friends. Then he says he and his friend will just come to wherever we are and pretend to accidentally bump into us. That starts to get old, and obvious! Or he pouts and asks me to arrange it for a different night when he has his son (which always fluctuates so it's impossible to plan around). I'm just tired of it. I don't know why I put up with it.

 

OMG!!!

 

This is unbelievable. How can you put up with this? Do you see how completely, just... WRONG... this is? This man has serious problems. I haven't even read the rest of the thread, but this is a HUGE red flag.

 

I am guessing, from this, that this man is afraid to leave his marriage unless he KNOWS he has you there with open arms. And I am guessing, furthermore, that he will never have what it takes to leave at all.

 

I am sorry for you.

[maravilla]

OP:

 

Do you really understand the magnitude of what you're in right now?

 

You say you love him, but it doesn't come across in your posts. And it takes work and love and understanding and forgiveness to make it through a partner's divorce and transitioning your R. I don't see that in your posts. You even say that he is making you see him differently. So why destroy what's left of his M?

 

If he got divorced, I think you probably would be with him. But it doesn't sound like it's going to last. You already resent him and he's still technically someone else's.

 

And maybe that's why he's dragging his feet. Maybe he notices YOU are the one making plans and not wanting him to meet your friends.

 

HE COULD MEET YOUR FRIENDS, YOU KNOW. I would bet you seriously hurt his feelings by not wanting to introduce him.

 

Take my words for what they're worth.

 

GEL

 

He's met some of my friends, and we hang out with them often. I've met some of his friends, and we hang out with them occasionally. We haven't introduced each other to our friends who wouldn't understand. If this has hurt his feelings, he hasn't told me. He says it's a smart thing not to yet. So I don't take this as meaning I don't love him, not one bit. It doesn't hurt my feelings that he hasn't introduced me to everyone; I want us to do that once we are a real couple.

 

What do you mean making plans, I'm saying I don't make plans because every time I want to, he wants to be part of them, without doing what he obviously needs to do for us to be a legitimate couple. The few times I've made plans we did the bump-into-each-other thing and now it would be too obvious. So I only make plans with my friends who know about him, and ignore the rest. That isn't healthy, you have to see that. That's why I want him to act and if he doesn't act then I have to walk. I can't put my life on hold for him anymore. He doesn't want me to tell any more people about us until it's official, as the more people who know, the more people would talk, and he doesn't want to hurt his wife by having the news get back to her.

 

And yes, his dragging his feet and wavering is making me look at him a different way. So be it. I want a man who is sure of what he's doing. I can't wait around forever, no matter how much I love him. I don't know how all OWs don't feel this way but I do. So yeah if you pick up on my frustration and dissatisfaction at how he has been acting/ not acting, you are right on. But it doesn't mean I don't love him and don't want to be with him the right way.

[GreenEyedLady]

No, I don't want to live my single life. I want to be with him. I'm not going to introduce him to the world when he isn't introducing me to his world. To me that's a double standard. I haven't dated and don't want to date anyone else. I just want to go have a cup of coffee or a glass of wine with a friend I haven't seen in ages because she doesn't know about MM. And we are living a lie all around because we are still in the affair. An affair is a lie. He is living a lie, I am living a lie. I don't like it and I want it to change and that's my struggle and why I started posting here about it. That's like saying I should tell my co-workers I'm dating a married man. Um no. Until we can come out as a public couple I'm not telling anyone else that I haven't already told, which is my very close friends and family, and I know he's not going to tell anyone else than he's already told. Again, that would be a double standard.

 

What am I supposed to forgive? That he tells me he wants to get a divorce but won't? That he's giving me only part of the picture?

 

I don't understand your posts but thanks for trying to help I guess. You have me all wrong if you think I want to go be single AND still be with MM. I only want to be single if MM doesn't truly want to be with me, which means getting a divorce. He has to pick, me or his marriage.

 

I'm not sorry I'm not all oozing butterflies and 'forgiveness' for a man that is still keeping me his dirty little secret despite telling me he loves me and wants to be in a real relationship with me. For a man that is lying to his wife about me and then you think it is a lie for me not to tell the whole world I'm with him? That's just not me and I don't think it means I don't love him. I think it means I'm protecting myself and trying to think with my head instead of my heart. I do think I need to step away, but not because I don't love him. Because I love him too much and it is making me do things I don't agree with and basically taking away from the life I want to live. Which is real love, which I guess isn't this, from him to me.

 

Thanks for the help.

 

You've just put into your own words what I was describing.

 

And if you don't get the forgiveness part, you aren't even near ready. You have to forgive each other for both your parts and move forward.

 

I won't post to you anymore because I already know where this is going and it will turn out the way it is supposed to.

 

What will be, will be.

 

GEL

[maravilla]

I want to add that I am getting the same bad feeling as well. The dragging of the feet, the money issue, all his complaints about his wife (which sound generic) and even Maravilla's own feelings. Maravilla, in one sense it seems more to me that you are bowled over by the feelings he has for you rather than actually reciprocating those same feelings. I could be wrong, but that is how it reads.

 

And while I don't agree with GEL when she says you are a cake eater, I DO agree that you need to step back and really evaluate what you want from him and if you want to spend the rest of your life with him. This is a family unit that he is breaking up for you (no matter what you or he says... he's doing it for you). If you don't 110% feel like you will be there for him for the long haul then you need to seriously consider your role in his life.

 

Okay, I get what you are saying, in that if these things have caused me to question who he really is, I need to get out, because then he will go back home and stay with his family. I understand that. I wish we had a chance to see if we could actually make it as a couple but from what everyone says and from how I know him he is just not there yet and I can't take all of this. So why not send him back home and try to move on on my own. I get what you mean. And I guess that's what greeneyedgirl means even though I don't agree with most of the finer points like me forgiving him and me needing to introduce him to everyone when he doesn't do the same for me. Thanks for the further explanation, I understand more now. I guess if I can't handle this then I need to walk, which will make him go back home, and then he was never meant for me anyway.

[maravilla]

indeed.

 

his actions of being with his family on Halloween show point blank that you can expect to spend holidays on your own.

 

even IF he says his daughter is making him pancakes for breakfast... why does he need to do things that way? why wouldn't HE be making an effort for his kids IF he's supposed to be affirming the relationship with the kids? he should be taking THEM out for a meal. is he that selfish and self centered that HE participates IF they are making it easy for him? i'd bet money he eats each meal at the house with his wife. don't think he doesn't.

 

where is his effort and energy? hmmm, looks like it's still at his home - with his family unit.

 

he's all talk. i bet his W doesn't have a clue. he's spending time and energy keeping the homefront from suspecting what he's actually up to.

 

as long as you are his secret - expect that he's not intending to divorce at all.

 

he hasn't told his W because he's trying to make things work with her. that's why he continues to participate as a family.

 

In his defense, he told me he was going to take his son to breakfast and he called home on the way to see if his daughter wanted to go. She was already making breakfast with her friend who had stayed over and he says she asked him to come eat some, so he did. I understand this but the problem is it seems to be a pattern.

 

First bold - he eats almost all of his meals with me. When he's with his son he either takes him out to eat or eats meals at home. He says his wife stays in the back or cleans while he spends time with the kids. Still, I think it shows that he is having issues breaking away from the family home. Which is fine, I understand, but then that leaves no place for me and I need out. I don't want to nag him not to go over there and I don't want to/ can't accept him always going over there, so I feel I have no other choice but to walk.

 

Second bold - me being his secret is what I have a problem with. We can't have a real relationship in the dark.

[maravilla]

OMG!!!

 

This is unbelievable. How can you put up with this? Do you see how completely, just... WRONG... this is? This man has serious problems. I haven't even read the rest of the thread, but this is a HUGE red flag.

 

I am guessing, from this, that this man is afraid to leave his marriage unless he KNOWS he has you there with open arms. And I am guessing, furthermore, that he will never have what it takes to leave at all.

 

I am sorry for you.

 

Thank you, to me it is off. Does it mean I don't love him? NO, but I worry about his need to be around me all the time. It doesn't seem healthy. Even if we were a 'normal', non-hidden couple, out in the open like I want, I would still want to do dinners and coffees and wine nights with my girl friends and I don't think he would like that at all, it seems he always needs me around and this worries me. From everything he's told me it's not that he has a problem with these friends not knowing about him - he thinks that's the right move for now because they wouldn't approve, they would talk, they would try to convince me not to be with him, etc. - but he has a problem with me going out without him. I think it's because of the situation but I don't know. I do know that it isn't healthy and I need it to stop and the only way, it seems, is to totally back off.

 

The 'open arms' dilemma is what I'm facing. I didn't realize he would only leave if I was helping him along every step of the way. I thought he really wanted to leave. I went by what he told me and so far it's not panning out that way and I've come to realize that if I step away at all, he takes it, as greeneyedgirl does I guess, as questioning my commitment to him. When really I am just exasperated at him saying one thing and doing (or not doing) another.

 

Thanks for the help newlife2010.

[fooled once]

Thanks for your thoughts. I get what you're saying and it's hard to reconcile it with my love for him. I am afraid of becoming her one day. She has given him everything, like I've been giving him, and, you're right, seven months versus all those years. He was clearly ready to leave but I'm not sure why. Maybe it doesn't matter but I fear the same could happen with me.

 

To answer your question, he's almost 50. I think she's a year or two older than him.

 

So he is quite a bit older than you - like almost 20 years? And he is saying at 51/52, IF you wanted, he would have a baby with you? After being out of diapers and the baby stage for over 14 years? I don't see it and honey, if YOU do decide to have babies, you should be able to have that dream. His kids will never be a 'replacement' for yours since his are almost grown and really don't need a mommy - especially since they have one.

 

You are a young, energetic woman who he likes having on his arm. You make him feel good - the sex is good/great because for HIM, it is "new" sex ... not the same stuff he has had for 16+ years. What man WOULDN'T want that?

 

I DO see that you love him and I see that YOU have sacrificed for him.

 

I DO understand you not wanting to introduce him to ALL your friends ... I mean, do you introduce him as "Hey, this is my guy...well technically he is married and isn't 100% sure he wants to get a divorce, but maybe one day. But shh..his wife doesn't know about me and she doesn't know he wants a divorce" Seriously? "Dating" someone else's husband is bad enough --- introducing them to all your friends and co-workers? Nope.

 

And there is NO reason why YOU can't have a life!!! He has 2 lives, one with you and one with his family. He is out having breakfast at the marital home .... why should YOU continue to sit home and wait for him. Screw that - get out there and ENJOY life. Your life shouldn't end and you shouldn't have to sit around and wait for him. He should be wanting to be with you!

 

Please remember ..... YOU are important too. YOU aren't his wife, YOU aren't his fiance, YOU aren't his girlfriend (I don't believe so because he is married ... he really can't HAVE a girlfriend!). You are his mistress. You are his Other Woman.

 

Go have a glass of wine with friends. My goodness, even married couples don't have to be connected at the hips. I get together with my girlfriends once a month for lunch or dinner. There is no reason why I can't be ME, in addition to being WIFE and MOTHER.

[maravilla]

You've just put into your own words what I was describing.

 

And if you don't get the forgiveness part, you aren't even near ready. You have to forgive each other for both your parts and move forward.

 

I won't post to you anymore because I already know where this is going and it will turn out the way it is supposed to.

 

What will be, will be.

 

GEL

 

Nope, no clue what you mean about forgiveness. For one thing, it's hard to forgive someone who hasn't even asked for forgiveness and doesn't seem to think they're doing anything they need forgiveness for. For another thing, I actually don't even think there's anything to forgive him for per se, it's just that he is less ready to get divorced than he's been telling me, which is frustrating, but nothing I don't understand. Really all he needs to be sorry for is not being honest with everyone, I think including himself. And since he doesn't recognize that, let alone apologize for it, I think that talking about forgiveness here is totally out of place.

 

We obviously have a disconnect because I don't understand much of what you're saying, but that's fine, I appreciate any input at this point because I'm just trying to figure out what I should do and what's best for me. And I do understand what you and others have said about if I'm questioning him because of his recent actions/inaction, I should let him go. I'm not sure of anything anymore except that I love him and he loves me, but, as the song goes, sometimes love just ain't enough.

 

Since you don't want to post any more on my thread, thanks for your thoughts and all the best to you.

[maravilla]

So he is quite a bit older than you - like almost 20 years? And he is saying at 51/52, IF you wanted, he would have a baby with you? After being out of diapers and the baby stage for over 14 years? I don't see it and honey, if YOU do decide to have babies, you should be able to have that dream. His kids will never be a 'replacement' for yours since his are almost grown and really don't need a mommy - especially since they have one.

 

You are a young, energetic woman who he likes having on his arm. You make him feel good - the sex is good/great because for HIM, it is "new" sex ... not the same stuff he has had for 16+ years. What man WOULDN'T want that?

 

I DO see that you love him and I see that YOU have sacrificed for him.

 

I DO understand you not wanting to introduce him to ALL your friends ... I mean, do you introduce him as "Hey, this is my guy...well technically he is married and isn't 100% sure he wants to get a divorce, but maybe one day. But shh..his wife doesn't know about me and she doesn't know he wants a divorce" Seriously? "Dating" someone else's husband is bad enough --- introducing them to all your friends and co-workers? Nope.

 

And there is NO reason why YOU can't have a life!!! He has 2 lives, one with you and one with his family. He is out having breakfast at the marital home .... why should YOU continue to sit home and wait for him. Screw that - get out there and ENJOY life. Your life shouldn't end and you shouldn't have to sit around and wait for him. He should be wanting to be with you!

 

Please remember ..... YOU are important too. YOU aren't his wife, YOU aren't his fiance, YOU aren't his girlfriend (I don't believe so because he is married ... he really can't HAVE a girlfriend!). You are his mistress. You are his Other Woman.

 

Go have a glass of wine with friends. My goodness, even married couples don't have to be connected at the hips. I get together with my girlfriends once a month for lunch or dinner. There is no reason why I can't be ME, in addition to being WIFE and MOTHER.

 

Yes, almost 20 years older than me.

 

Thank you for understanding my feelings. You are right on. I don't feel comfortable introducing him to everyone until I know we are 100% together the right way. And he feels the same way. Yet isn't doing what it takes to get us there. So, I guess I've come to the conclusion that I've done all I can and I just need to step away.

 

Thanks again fooledonce.

[maravilla]

Even so, let's assume that he does indeed intend to get a divorce. Correct me if I'm wrong but Maravilla has stated several times that he does not want to let his wife know until after he's filed. Why??? What is the reason for this sneak attack? Doesn't this seem so... conniving? After she supported him as a good wife, a good mother to his kids, helped him through a serious illness... why would he turn around and be so cruel to her?

 

And Maravilla, why would you want to be with such a person?

 

Please don't take these ponderings so harshly, you have been very gracious with criticism on your thread... but I think this is stuff you should seriously consider!

 

Okay, this is my biggest issue. Whether he's not telling his wife about me because he's not sure he wants to leave, or whether he's not telling her because he doesn't want to hurt her or have a big blow-up, either way, it doesn't sit well with me. How can he do this to her when she has been there for him, despite his issues with her, which to me don't even sound like huge issues? I can't reconcile one with the other, I can't understand it, I don't like it. He could do it to me, so I get scared.

 

Today he told me that he just can't imagine how to break the news to her. In the past (sorry if I've already written about this, but it bothers me), he said he was going to tell her that his lawyer has some papers to deliver to her and he just wanted to let her know in advance. He told me she would then ask, 'what kind of papers?' and he would have to tell her 'divorce papers.' I told him, 'what?? You're going to tell her like that - make her guess and ask?' It really struck me that it was a lot like what he does to me - gives me pieces of information and then I have to ask about the rest, which I already know deep down. It seemed just cruel to end it that way.

 

So then he said he knows it requires a face-to-face sit-down and he asked me what I would recommend he say to her. I said, just the truth, I mean the truth is always best. (Ironic, I know.) So now he said he wants to have the papers drawn up and to tell her 'I just wanted to let you know I've decided to file for divorce, and I would like to have my lawyer deliver the papers to your lawyer instead of you having to be served directly.'

 

I know this has to be hard for him but it's even worse to drag it out and leave us both in limbo. I've told him this and he says he understands and he has to figure out how to tell her. I think a part of him is afraid she is going to beg and plead for him to stay, and then he will, and then he knows he and I will be over. My gut tells me this is one of the issues and why he wants to just shock-attack her with a surprise instead of sitting down and telling her the truth. Yes, it makes him seem cowardly and makes me lose respect for him even though I do love him. And yes I've told him this. I guess we are just at a standstill and I keep thinking he will man up, one way or the other, and take action on his own, and he doesn't. So there isn't much else I can do besides leave.

 

I do appreciate your feedback and don't take it as criticism at all. Everyone has been very helpful.

[2sunny]

the bottom line really is:

 

he is either going to divorce or he's not!

 

whether he has you or not should not be the deciding factor... otherwise he will always blame you for the outcome either way it goes.

 

that is why i say step away and let it play out the way it's supposed to - without you being involved.

 

IF he gets divorced - THAT is the time to consider spending time and energy on the relationship. that way YOU know he's available and has BEEN a man of his word with intentions to BE with you. until then - you have nothing but empty words and no action.

[Carrot2000]

 

His daughter is 16 and, he says, in her own little world. He hasn't had much interaction with her and he says she seems fine about the divorce. His son is 14 and seems to be having a tough time, getting into arguments with the mother and doing badly at school. His son has been wanting to spend a lot of time with him and he thinks he may want to live with him. He said his son told him he understands why he doesn't want to be at home and says that mom is a nag and he just wants to spend time with dad, if mom and dad can't get along enough for dad to live at home with mom.

 

 

 

Umm, so he's talked to his kids about a divorce but not their mother, his wife? MM says he's trying to avoid a bad scene with his wife, but really what he's doing is creating a chaotic situation for everyone.

 

I understand that you love this man and he has faults just like the rest of humanity, but he doesn't sound like a great catch. He cheated on his wife because he resented her. He resented the time and attention she gave his kids. He resented her for getting older. And now he's encouraging his son to resent her, too. Instead of telling his 14 year-old son to respect his mother and do what she says, he uses his son's complaint of her nagging (what teen doesn't view their mom as a nag?) as further proof that she is insufferable. He's making her out to be the bad guy when he's the one who's been an absentee parent and and unfaithful spouse. This is some seriously passive-aggressive behavior and the way he's handling things should give you some insight into how he deals with interpersonal conflict. It's only a matter of time before you are on the receiving end of his resentment and avoidance. If he can treat his wife of 16 years with so little regard, you don't stand a chance.

 

 

Maravilla, I agree that you have been very gracious throughout all of the criticism you've received and I hope you realize that none of it is directed at you personally. There is no doubt in my mind that you have some concept of right and wrong and you're trying to do the right thing here. I agree with everyone else who suggested that you reclaim your life and focus less on what MM's plans are, but I also think you could benefit from some IC for yourself. Some of the fOW on LS have come to realize that we have broken man-pickers and it might be good for you to examine how you ended up here and whether this relationship is about love or some deeper-rooted issue.

 

You have to know that you deserve better and that a 7-month relationship is not worth all of this drama.

[mustmoveon]

What do you mean making plans, I'm saying I don't make plans because every time I want to, he wants to be part of them, without doing what he obviously needs to do for us to be a legitimate couple.

 

He sounds very controlling & actually very immature for a 50 y/o man! Like others here, I am getting very bad vibes from this guy. If the wife doesn't know about you, why did he tell her & the kids he was moving out? To get a breath of fresh air? There are men who rent places the wife doesn't even know about to keep their OW happy. Maybe she thinks he's out of town on business a lot! I mean, you just don't know him well enough after 7 short months. I've said it a few times, but 7 mos is NOT long enough to be committing to a life with ANYone, least of all a man you've been having an affair with. If you were both single, would you be charging to the altar after 7 months? Methinks not. I'm saying this because I finally had to ask myself all the same questions & I didn't like the answers, but they did set me free.

 

The fact that he's home so much when he was, by his own admission, a pretty absent father is very suspicious to me as well.

[2sunny]

i don't think he's told his kids a thing. and i think this may be a situation that may be solved if you chat with his wife - who he says he's divorcing.

 

find out the truth about what she does or doesn't know.

 

or

 

leave - RUN - and never look back!!!! (this would be MY choice)

[whichwayisup]

Today he told me that he just can't imagine how to break the news to her

 

Sadly for you, this doesn't sound like a man who is about to divorce. I think he's greatly exaggerated the stuff he told you about his lawyer and that meeting, the conversations. Could be wishful thinking.

 

Either way, it's time for you to take a step back, let him be about his divorce, what is going on, when, where, etc.. Pushing and asking questions is making it worse. Let him approach you about it. And in the meantime, lay low and tell him YOU need space because him being indecisive is making you feel nuts.

[NoIDidn't]

Hi Maravilla

 

I'm starting to feel like BB07, but for different reasons. The more you reveal about his situation with his children, the more it sounds like he's just not ready for a divorce. It doesn't mean that he won't divorce, just that it may take longer than you expect - and expect it to take MUCH longer than the 19 days your childless friends experienced.

 

My best friend's mother married her MM of 13 years. I went to school with his kids. They hated him - even when he was married to their mom. He spent ALL of his time at my friend's house, so much that I didn't even know he was married. I don't think your guy is anywhere near prepared to hear his kids' true feelings about his absences. If he's anything like the guy I mention above, he'll claim their mother made them feel that way when its not even true. I saw my friends' father more than they did as I hung out with my best friend daily. It was a real shame to hear the lies he told my best about his ex-wife (that she was a drug addict, that she beat on him, that she was crazy, etc., etc.). He never showed up for any of our basketball games. That's enough to make most kids positively angry with a parent. It makes them feel unimportant.

 

But enough about that.

 

You've got your hands full. I honestly don't see him filing for divorce any time soon. I agree with your stance on introducing him to your friends when he's still married knowing you can't be introduced to ALL of his friends under similar circumstances. I know lots of people currently carrying on affairs - married people, that is. And they have enough sense not to bring their OPs around the friends that know and like their spouses. I have to wonder about the "friend" your MM would bring and the nature of their relationship.

 

Be careful with giving more credit than is due about that lease for a place to live. Leases can be broken. And he sounds like a man with means that's willing to throw away a couple thousand dollars if it will buy him more time with you.

 

Don't lose yourself in this process. If I worry about an OW, this is what I worry about the most. Its so easy to get lost in all the reasons for this, making sure the divorce is progressing, hearing about how much money she wants and how it may (or may not) impact any future she may have with him, hearing about the kids, the intense highs and lows. I've seen it turn outgoing cheerful women into nasty smug women who are only happy that they still "got him" in the end. You don't want to just end up with him, you want to maintain yourself and your sanity as well.

 

Always remember to care for yourself as much as, if not more than, you care for him. This time period is a time when it becomes all about the married person's situation and yours gets lost in the shuffle. That's why I recommend having a plan - regardless of the final outcome.

[BB07]

Hi Maravilla

 

Don't lose yourself in this process. If I worry about an OW, this is what I worry about the most. Its so easy to get lost in all the reasons for this, making sure the divorce is progressing, hearing about how much money she wants and how it may (or may not) impact any future she may have with him, hearing about the kids, the intense highs and lows. I've seen it turn outgoing cheerful women into nasty smug women who are only happy that they still "got him" in the end. You don't want to just end up with him, you want to maintain yourself and your sanity as well.

 

Always remember to care for yourself as much as, if not more than, you care for him. This time period is a time when it becomes all about the married person's situation and yours gets lost in the shuffle. That's why I recommend having a plan - regardless of the final outcome.

 

Great post NID, and the part I bolded above is soo true and it's so often used to keep you dialed in and hooked with the promise of more later. That is exactly what xmm did to me and I've saw the same story repeated here plenty of times. Of course my story is a bit unusual in that my xmm ended up not being separated at all, in fact he lied about almost everything so be cautious. I'm not saying that your mm is as big of a liar as mine ended up being but I'm not the first one or the last one that it happens to Marvilla. If you are curious about what happened to me, go read my thread, (have I got a story for you.) Some of them........are very bad apples and I never dreamed that mine would be such a deceitful lying POS as he was to me..........and his BS and the way it was discovered was by the BS and I talking. I see some similarities Marvilla and that is what concerns me about your mm.

[maravilla]

the bottom line really is:

 

he is either going to divorce or he's not!

 

whether he has you or not should not be the deciding factor... otherwise he will always blame you for the outcome either way it goes.

 

that is why i say step away and let it play out the way it's supposed to - without you being involved.

 

IF he gets divorced - THAT is the time to consider spending time and energy on the relationship. that way YOU know he's available and has BEEN a man of his word with intentions to BE with you. until then - you have nothing but empty words and no action.

 

Everything you say here makes perfect sense. Logically, I know I have to end this nightmare. But when I go to talk to him, everything gets twisted up in my head. His words sound great, I know he loves me, and my heart is really into him.

 

I don't know what is wrong with me! I'm at the point that I know I need to step away, and yet, I don't.

[maravilla]

Last evening I was at work and my cell was dead and MM tried to text me. He knows my direct line but didn't call me at the office. (Perhaps he didn't know I was still at the office but usually he would call and check.) I was in my car on the way to an important meeting and I was charging my cell phone when MM called me. He said he had gone for a drink and when I asked who with he hesitated and then said some people from his prior company. I thought it was weird that he didn't tell me their names, but, whatever. He sounded like he was in a bad mood. He said he had tried to text me earlier. I apologized and said my phone had been dead. I looked at my texts and I only had a 'hey' from him which is very strange. He usually texts me sweet things and uses pet nicknames and stuff.

 

So I said what's up? and he said he'd been thinking about what we talked about earlier and how I'd said we need a break. He said 'everything feels right when we're together, but...' and I said, 'yes?' but he just dropped off what he was saying and didn't say anything else. His tone was really gruff and I 'got' that he was wanting me to repeat what I'd said earlier so that we could take a break. As some have mentioned, I guess this is his passive-aggressive tendencies, of him making me say what he's thinking. So I said, 'well if we don't always feel right, then we shouldn't be together.' He didn't say anything. I said, 'what are you thinking? It sounds to me like we're in agreement that we need to step back and clear our heads and take space.' He still didn't say anything, he just mumbled some grunts and 'wells' and 'I don't know's.

 

It was extremely frustrating. It sounded like he was a completely different person. Then he said, 'Are you at your meeting?' and I said yes and that I would call him when my meeting got out. He asked me if I was still going to come over, which had been the plan. I said I would just go home after the meeting. Then he was like, 'If that's what you want to do.' I said, 'We can talk about this after my meeting, I'll call you as soon as it gets out.' Then he said, 'Are you coming over afterwards or not?' and his tone was really combative. I said, 'I don't know, I don't want to fight with you before this meeting and there's no time to talk right now. I'll just call you after the meeting and we'll take it from there.'

 

It was an important meeting that I had to present at, and everyone there was happy with my work and I was thinking, well I'll just forget about MM, he didn't even say good luck (even though earlier yesterday I had mentioned the important meeting and we had talked about it before), he's in a bad mood, but at least he's in agreement we need to take a break, and I'm just going to focus on myself and not him. Well after the meeting I turned my phone back on and I had all these texts from him where he was like, 'I'm sorry for my mental lapse, I love you and want to be with you,' 'I'll see you at my house,' 'Giants win the World Series yaaaay!' It was a complete turn-around! I called him and he was in the best mood ever, after having been in the worst mood ever. I said, 'what's up, I don't get it' and he was like, 'I'm so sorry I did that before your big meeting, how did it go?' etc. I said we really need to talk about what we were talking about earlier, because he sounded like he was done with us, at least for now, and I am at the same spot, so we need to reconvene. He was like, 'oh honey, I love you, just come over and we'll talk. I'm running you a bubble bath in the jacuzzi and I made you a drink.'

 

I felt stupid driving over there and I feel stupid right now looking back. Because he just acted like that strange conversation had never happened. He was in the best mood, singing and dancing and kissing me, and telling me he loved me. I tried several times to bring up our earlier conversation and he said, 'I was sitting here watching the world series and thinking about you and I realize that you're right, I need to make a schedule and follow through with it. I'm going to do that. I want to do that.' I said I felt like I was making him, and he said no, he wants to, he just needs my push.

 

So now we are back where we started at except it just feels strange and forced. I am really not happy. I guess I've had a lot of angst about this for awhile and now it is all coming to a head. I feel like he is confused and one minute he is so sure of us and the next he is not. So now I'm not sure of us at all. I don't know why I didn't tell him, look, I need a break whether or not you agree. I guess because he was in such a good mood and so happy and I was hoping naively that it would all work out.

[maravilla]

Umm, so he's talked to his kids about a divorce but not their mother, his wife? MM says he's trying to avoid a bad scene with his wife, but really what he's doing is creating a chaotic situation for everyone.

 

I worded it a bit wrong- I don't know if MM has actually talked to his kids about getting divorced, I think he's more hinted around about it to see how they would feel. So I meant that he says his daughter is okay with him moving out and would rather them get divorced then ignore each other and be unhappy. And he told me he asked his son whether he wants him to come home and what would happen if he stayed gone and his son said he doesn't have to come home if he can't get along with the mom, as long as his son can still see him and spend time with him.

 

Anyway I agree that he's making a chaotic situation for everyone. I think he's trying to test the waters with his wife, kids, and me to see how one possibility would go over the other. It's stupid!

 

I understand that you love this man and he has faults just like the rest of humanity, but he doesn't sound like a great catch. He cheated on his wife because he resented her. He resented the time and attention she gave his kids. He resented her for getting older. And now he's encouraging his son to resent her, too. Instead of telling his 14 year-old son to respect his mother and do what she says, he uses his son's complaint of her nagging (what teen doesn't view their mom as a nag?) as further proof that she is insufferable. He's making her out to be the bad guy when he's the one who's been an absentee parent and and unfaithful spouse. This is some seriously passive-aggressive behavior and the way he's handling things should give you some insight into how he deals with interpersonal conflict. It's only a matter of time before you are on the receiving end of his resentment and avoidance. If he can treat his wife of 16 years with so little regard, you don't stand a chance.

 

Maravilla, I agree that you have been very gracious throughout all of the criticism you've received and I hope you realize that none of it is directed at you personally. There is no doubt in my mind that you have some concept of right and wrong and you're trying to do the right thing here. I agree with everyone else who suggested that you reclaim your life and focus less on what MM's plans are, but I also think you could benefit from some IC for yourself. Some of the fOW on LS have come to realize that we have broken man-pickers and it might be good for you to examine how you ended up here and whether this relationship is about love or some deeper-rooted issue.

 

You have to know that you deserve better and that a 7-month relationship is not worth all of this drama.

 

Thanks. I guess deep down I do know that but I have just been hoping it would all work out. A broken man-picker- LOL. What is IC? Counseling?

 

Thanks for the kind words, they make me feel really hopeful. When I admit it to myself, I haven't been happy with him for awhile now, and I just want to be happy.

[maravilla]

He sounds very controlling & actually very immature for a 50 y/o man! Like others here, I am getting very bad vibes from this guy. If the wife doesn't know about you, why did he tell her & the kids he was moving out? To get a breath of fresh air? There are men who rent places the wife doesn't even know about to keep their OW happy. Maybe she thinks he's out of town on business a lot! I mean, you just don't know him well enough after 7 short months. I've said it a few times, but 7 mos is NOT long enough to be committing to a life with ANYone, least of all a man you've been having an affair with. If you were both single, would you be charging to the altar after 7 months? Methinks not. I'm saying this because I finally had to ask myself all the same questions & I didn't like the answers, but they did set me free.

 

The fact that he's home so much when he was, by his own admission, a pretty absent father is very suspicious to me as well.

 

He told his wife that he needs space and time to think, and they told the kids the same thing. According to him of course. I guess it's supposed to be like a trial separation.

 

When he goes home it's not for long periods of time and it's probably about the same amount of time he spent there with his family before he moved out (except for when he was sleeping). When he has his son or takes his son and daughter out to eat or to a movie, etc., then he says he is actually spending more time with them than before he moved out.

 

I guess I'm impulsive because I could see myself charging to the alter after seven months. And kind of the same thing here... I was so sure that we were right for each other that I just plunged ahead without having time to examine things.

[BB07]

Maravilla, you are on a roller coaster.....the highs are too high and the lows are too low. He has issues.........and it's hard to say if they are issues he has always has or if it's because of his confusion.

 

I noticed that a lot of the affairs that are discussed on here that the mm is passive aggressive, mine was. It seems to be the popular train of thought that mm who get into affairs are more likely to be pa which you gotta admit makes a lot of sense. Where as someone who didn't have pa would be more apt to talk about the issues before they get themselves into the more hurtful and selfish position of an affair. Food for thought!

I didn't see it for a long time with my xmm (the PA) but it was there.

You seem to have a great insight into yourself and your eyes are open about your mm. You aren't afraid to ask yourself the hard questions and you are not sticking your head in the sand........I do think you are going to come to a decision that will bring you some peace of mind. Yes it may take a while but you will get there.

[maravilla]

i don't think he's told his kids a thing. and i think this may be a situation that may be solved if you chat with his wife - who he says he's divorcing.

 

find out the truth about what she does or doesn't know.

 

or

 

leave - RUN - and never look back!!!! (this would be MY choice)

 

I doubt the wife would talk to me, and I also don't feel like I deserve any answers from her. I know her in a professional setting, from events she's attended with him, and I know I've helped wrong her. I know from him that she hates me and probably has no desire to talk to me at all. So I guess that leaves the RUN option. LOL.

[maravilla]

Sadly for you, this doesn't sound like a man who is about to divorce. I think he's greatly exaggerated the stuff he told you about his lawyer and that meeting, the conversations. Could be wishful thinking.

 

Either way, it's time for you to take a step back, let him be about his divorce, what is going on, when, where, etc.. Pushing and asking questions is making it worse. Let him approach you about it. And in the meantime, lay low and tell him YOU need space because him being indecisive is making you feel nuts.

 

 

More good advice that I need to take. Thanks whichwayisup.

[BB07]

I doubt the wife would talk to me, and I also don't feel like I deserve any answers from her. I know her in a professional setting, from events she's attended with him, and I know I've helped wrong her. I know from him that she hates me and probably has no desire to talk to me at all. So I guess that leaves the RUN option. LOL.

 

 

Actually you only know what he has told you. She might very much like to have her questions answered, a meeting of the minds can happen.

It could go either way......but also it would most likely make your mm very angry but yet on the other hand you gotta ask yourself, if there is nothing to hide, then why would it bother him so much. More food for thought.