Separated MMs

[Confused4Now]

I'm in the middle of the same crap with a separated MM, and all I can say is, if you protect yourself first, you have nothing (as much) to lose.

 

I just got to this point where I am making plans for myself (without him in it), guarding my heart and not letting him in. I know it's hard, but you have to do it. Eventually, if he does not divorce, or if he goes back to his wife, at least the rest of your life isn't in shambles.

 

It sounds like your MM is not sure about the divorce yet. If you keep pushing him, he is going to snap one way or the other. If you like a quick response (despite the outcome), then keep pushing him. It will most probably turn out detrimental to you though.

So here is the tricky part. I can say there times when I felt I was going to snap with all the drama that was going on. It was so bad....I lost 45lbs in like 2 months...my hair was falling out and I didn't even sleep. I had to get on depression and sleep medication. So once I realized things weren't going to happen for me and xMW.....I started plan B (work on me)....and stayed focus on me. I'm so glad I did too....cause for sure I would have snapped.

 

Just remember when you read the stories on LS...you want to think your story is so much different than all the others and what I learned is these stories are so much similar. Guard your heart as everyone has said.....and get ready for a bumpy ride. hugs to you

[maravilla]

So here is the tricky part. I can say there times when I felt I was going to snap with all the drama that was going on. It was so bad....I lost 45lbs in like 2 months...my hair was falling out and I didn't even sleep. I had to get on depression and sleep medication. So once I realized things weren't going to happen for me and xMW.....I started plan B (work on me)....and stayed focus on me. I'm so glad I did too....cause for sure I would have snapped.

 

Just remember when you read the stories on LS...you want to think your story is so much different than all the others and what I learned is these stories are so much similar. Guard your heart as everyone has said.....and get ready for a bumpy ride. hugs to you

 

Thanks, confused4now. I know what you mean and I also get what Pokeman means about snapping one way or the other. I keep feeling that he will file for divorce because he knows he needs to to be with me. I worry about pressuring him into it, but, that is just the situation - he either needs to be all in or all out.

 

I do sometimes get worried that he's taking me for a ride but I also feel, based on knowing him, that he is serious about getting divorced. All I can do is trust that instinct. If it changes and he seems less willing, well, then, I will watch for that. Sometimes they do leave and get divorced and there are examples on my thread of people who have experienced that. So how am I to know I'm not one of those? To me our situation seems a bit different than the norm in that he HAS left, he is at least taking steps in the direction of divorce and saying he wants divorced. I know he can always go back home and that often happens. I know that but why worry when it hasn't happened? He has actually given me no indication that he would go back home as long as I'm here for him. And I feel like I'm at the point where I'm fine either way. If we end up together I'm happy and if not, honestly I think I will just be glad there's a resolution!, and I will go on living my life without him and, honestly, would be excited to date single, less-drama-filled guys. Yes I would miss MM and be sad but it wouldn't be the end of my world. Perhaps I'm deluding myself that he's not that important to me, but, really, I think that as Pokeman says I've just learned to toughen up and worry about myself and whatever happens, happens. I don't mean to sound jaded but I've been learning through this relationship that sometimes people let you down and things happen that weren't expected or welcome and all you can do is keep your guard up and hope for the best at the same time, as strange as that sounds.

 

I don't know, my emotions about this will probably change tomorrow but that's where I'm at, and it's probably because in talking to him yesterday and today he has been very honest and has also sounded very sure of us and wants me to be sure of us too.

[Pokemon]

Maravilla, when my MM man first left his home for 3 months, he gave me no indication he was going back to his wife either. He told me he was SURE he wanted to be with me, no way he would go back. We took a few days off to let him think it through, and he bolted right back to her. The BS said she needed time and convinced him to go to MC to give it one last shot. He told me he did it for his kid, as he just HAD to try.

 

I checked out of the relationship. That lasted 3 weeks, then they split up again. Now the wife knows he's seeing me again.

 

I'm not saying it may happen to you, but he's definitely going to be unstable right now. I also felt like I would never take him back then, but you won't know until it happens.

 

Just try and take it easy, focus on your life and your goals. I hope for your sake he doesn't give you that drama. Guard your heart!!!

[maravilla]

Maravilla, when my MM man first left his home for 3 months, he gave me no indication he was going back to his wife either. He told me he was SURE he wanted to be with me, no way he would go back. We took a few days off to let him think it through, and he bolted right back to her. The BS said she needed time and convinced him to go to MC to give it one last shot. He told me he did it for his kid, as he just HAD to try.

 

I checked out of the relationship. That lasted 3 weeks, then they split up again. Now the wife knows he's seeing me again.

 

I'm not saying it may happen to you, but he's definitely going to be unstable right now. I also felt like I would never take him back then, but you won't know until it happens.

 

Just try and take it easy, focus on your life and your goals. I hope for your sake he doesn't give you that drama. Guard your heart!!!

 

I totally get what you're saying.

 

The strange thing is, several times I have suggested to MM that he take some time and think apart, without me as a distraction, and he clings on to me for dear life. He is very against any kind of 'time to think.' Maybe if he had it, he would go back to his wife or think about it, but, he thinks time apart is a bad idea.

 

I get that it's an unstable time and he could randomly decide to go back. I get what you mean. I have it in my head all the time. Thanks for sharing your experience with me. It stinks that they do this!!!!

[mustmoveon]

Maravilla - This is my first post, but I've been lurking for a long time & struggling with my own MM situation for over 2 years, but that is a story for another day.

 

MARAVILLA - You are wasting & investing FAR too much energy in a man you hardly know! Forget all the file, or not filing - you don't really know this man & forgive me for saying this, but you are utterly obsessed & over-analyzing his every move. I know because I did the same thing! You need to get out with some friends & take a break from this whole situation for a while. Can you go away somewhere? Last year I was in the same state & got a super cheap deal for a week in Rome & I left my phone at home & for the 1st time in over a year I was free from living from text to text & he almost went crazy with me gone & unavilable & guess what? Jealous & upset as he was - he still didn't leave! I know you think you know him, but I only started to really get to know my own MM at 7 months when he first tried to leave. It's all honeymoon in the beginning in any relationship, but even moreso with an A. I also think he sounds like he might have wanted out of his marriage for awhile & while he loves you, he's got you there to hold him upright with all your love & concern while he decides YOUR future. Don't give him the power to determine your future - he hasn't earned that right.

 

You are only in your 20's and have your whole life ahead & there are all sorts of wonderful single men who will love how intense & deeply you love. I don't like the sound of your MM at all - maybe because he reminds me of my own Mr. He-Loves-Me-He-Loves-Me-Not who I have finally shoved off the dock.

 

If you had many years invested in him that's one thing - but you don't know him well enough to invest so much in him, especially because he doesn't sound good enough for you!

 

Most of all, this is unhealthy for you & you're driving yourself around the twist! Your posts read like my own journal entries which is why I had to write you. You need to take care of YOURSELF & your physical & emotional health & tell him you love him, but you need him to go sort out his own situation & to call you when he's got it together.

 

I came down really hard on my guy over 2 months ago because I, like you, was utterly drained. He's been in therapy 2x a week for 2 months & gave me my space, took his & we just exchanged casual emails & now he's calling, texting, emailing & I'm not sure I want to go down this road again. I have a feeling he's moved out, but I read these posts & remember all the promises & times he let me down & wonder if I can trust him to follow through....He also told me he needed to know I would be there to catch him & I told him NFW & to grow the f--k up!

 

I have my life back in control & if he gets his act together he knows where I am, but taking charge of my life was so empowering & he has at least gone for intense help & is chasing me instead of the other way around.

 

You need to love yourself. If he loves you, he will sort it out because he won't want to lose you. You have to be willing to let him go & risk losing him because at least you'll find out now (rather than 10 years & 2 kids later) what kind of man he is. The next few months will tell you more about him - the real him, not Mr Romance - than you've learned in 7 months.

 

Hang in there, go out with your girlfriends, put your phone in the basement for the weekend & just take a break. Tell him you love him, but you need to take some time for yourself & you want to give him space to sort his life out. You constantly asking him for answers probably isn't helping because he's probably extremely confused with his mind changing by the minute. It's part of the process - his process & many men when pushed just back into a corner & freeze!

 

Life is short - get some space & objectivity & you may decide you don't want him! But you need to stand back to see the real picture & to get yourself back.

 

Hang in there!!

 

[mustmoveon]

This is YOUR choice, not his. Of course he doesn't want time apart - he's got you there giving him unconditionsl love while he giv you mixed messages. This is your life and you take the space for you - he can do whatever he wants.

 

I've never seen my MM so enthused as he's been since I told him to go sort his life out. I have no idea what will happen now, but I was a complete mess, my biz was falling apart, I was losing weight & then I took charge. Guess who's back? I'm being polite, but keep putting him off because as I said before, time apart has made me question whether I want to take another trip down Insanity Road.

 

You sound like a genuinely loving woman & he sounds like a selfish ^***)( - a little distance & realizing he's losing you can really inspire a man & if it doesn't - you don't want that kind of man, do you?

Edited October 31, 2010 by mustmoveon
Didn't indicate quote so it looked like all the same person

[maravilla]

This is YOUR choice, not his. Of course he doesn't want time apart - he's got you there giving him unconditionsl love while he giv you mixed messages. This is your life and you take the space for you - he can do whatever he wants.

 

I've never seen my MM so enthused as he's been since I told him to go sort his life out. I have no idea what will happen now, but I was a complete mess, my biz was falling apart, I was losing weight & then I took charge. Guess who's back? I'm being polite, but keep putting him off because as I said before, time apart has made me question whether I want to take another trip down Insanity Road.

 

You sound like a genuinely loving woman & he sounds like a selfish ^***)( - a little distance & realizing he's losing you can really inspire a man & if it doesn't - you don't want that kind of man, do you?

 

Thank you, mustmoveon, for your candid advice. I think you're right. The issue is more me than him. I've been giving him all of me, my whole life, and, as much as he loves me and wants to be with me, he's just not in the position to be able to do the same (even though he's trying).

 

This past weekend was... Interesting. On the one hand I felt like things were going between us, he was being open and honest, and I felt secure about him. But then old questions and doubts re-surfaced. Last night he had his son. I thought this meant he brought his son to his place where he's living. Instead, he watched a movie with his son at the family's house and then this morning they went back there this morning to have breakfast as a family.

 

Eeeek. I just felt so strange when he told me about this. I asked him why he kept going back home and doing family things, with his wife present, if he was ready to move on. He said last night his wife was at a movie w/ a friend and only came home during the last 10 minutes that he was there. And that this morning his daughter asked him to come eat the breakfast that she was making w/ her friend who had stayed over, so he felt that he should. Then he said he's still adjusting and he will stop and he wants me to tell him what I'm okay w/ and what I'm not. I just don't want to do that, and I told him so. I don't know what to do b/c I don't want to be always questioning him

and nagging him. If he feels like going home and doing family stuff, okay, but there is no place in that for me. I need to get out of the way if that's the case. He told me he wants to be w/ me and doesn't want me to get out of the way. He also told me that it's because he doesn't have a permanent place where his son can bring his things and so it's more comfortable for his son to stay at home sometimes. He says it will be different once he rents his long-term place, which he is looking at tomorrow (he called the owner several times this weekend around me to go view it, and we went over there and looked at the outside, and he talks excitedly about it to me, my friends and his friends (that know about us of course). The owner wasn't available to show it to him until tomorrow though.) I can't help but think this is a BS excuse (and told him that) because the house he's living in right now has a bedroom that his son stays in when he's there, and watching a movie and eating breakfast weren't things that his son needed his permanent things for, and they weren't things that couldn't be done elsewhere- like at his own place or a restaurant. I understand about wanting his kids to be comfy but it also sends them(and me) mixed messages and clearly isn't a sign of cutting ties with his wife and their home etc.

 

Also today he was talking to me about his son; he said he had asked him if he wants him to come home and his son said only if you and mom can get along. This made me feel strange in a lot of different ways. I said what if he had said yes and MM said well then he would have to work that out and do what is best for his son. I said well then where does that leave me?! What is best for

your son is for you to try your hardest to get along with his mother and stay a family. I said your son is not going to want you to get divorced and he said 'I don't know about that.'

 

I also felt so much guilt and shame, like a homewrecker. He tells me that even if I were to go away for good he would still get divorced because he has realized he isn't happy and it's not a good environment for him or his kids. But I feel like if I left he would go back home and try to work it out. Yet he says differently. He asks me to stay with him and not leave him when we're so close to being together for real and when he needs me the most.

 

This is the hardest situation I've ever been in and I really don't know what to do. I know I'm not happy with it and that I should get out and be happy. But he says it's just temporary and will be worth it. Maybe you're right mustmoveon that if I leave him it will force him off the fence- I guess it will one way or the other! But I feel like I can't walk away until I know I'm done for sure. And by then even if he becomes everything I want and need, it would be too late for us.

 

Thanks for listening. I feel really down tonight. He was supposed to take his son trick or treating but then his son no longer wants to go and is fighting with his mother (MM's wife) and so he went over to their house to see if he could rally up his son into doing something for halloween. Who knoows what that means, I'm sick of wondering and I guess he is not able to give me what I want at this point in time- a complete break away from his wife and her house (he says it will go to her, he says this is what he wants...) and so I have to cut it off. I don't want to make him do anything and I feel I've already expressed my wishes a lot. But he iks obviously not ready to do that which I feel okay with and he continues to do things I'm not okay with. Yet when I tell him this he says, don't leave me, I understand and will do what you want and need, and I want and need it too. WTF. It's exasperating.

[maravilla]

Hey Maravilla, thanks for the update. Sorry things are no clearer, and it does sound like he's waffling. How did the meeting with the lawyer go? Did he get any good advice?

 

He thinks the meeting with the lawyer went well and that it helped him feel more comfortable moving forward with divorce. He said the lawyer advised him to get everything he needs to do in place before he files: rent his house, open a separate checking account and credit card account, move some money into his new checking account, and even open a P.O. box, because once he files and there's an interim order in place, he won't be able to open any new contracts or do anything involving money without her agreement (and vice versa). He said everything will be split half and half of course no matter whose name it is in or which accounts are opened (we live in a community property state), but he will already have established his own arrangements so he won't have to go ask for her permission to do everything. I guess this makes sense but of course it means more time before he actually files, to get his ducks in a row.

 

He also told me that his divorce lawyer friend told me that the advice now is not for parents to stay together just for the sake of the children, but to be selfish and make themselves happy and then their kids will be happy too. He said he said that two crappy parents don't make one good parent. This advice makes him feel more comfortable about divorce as well.

 

I'm at the point where I believe he wants to file for divorce, I understand everything he's doing and why, but I just don't know if I can handle it. For instance last night he went to his family's house to decorate it for the trick-or-treaters and hang out with his son and hand out candy etc. I get this, in terms of him and his situation, but I'm uncomfortable with it, in terms of me and my situation. Does that make sense? He wasn't there long, a couple hours, and then he came back to my house. He brought me a dish from home for dinner and I told him I don't feel right eating something from their house. Then he told me that the neighbor lady brought it over when she brought her son over to hang out with his son. We watched a movie and drank some beer and all was good. I appreciate that he spends time with me and that it feels like we're a couple (he had spent the morning helping me move in furniture I had bought). But then there's this disconnect where he goes home for a little while and I feel like, WTF am I doing in this picture, I'm an outsider, he's still involved with his family and home life and it's not good, for me or for his family, for me to be in his life. I can't figure out if I'm too picky/demanding or if the whole situation is just as messed up as I think it is.

 

I guess I still feel like I first did when I came here and posted for the first time. That the situation is strange because when we're alone it usually feels like we're a great couple, and lately it's only felt even stronger that way! Yet I can't tell most people about him (well, I could tell some people, but I would prefer to wait until he's divorced or at least divorcing), and he can't tell most people about me and his wife still doesn't know we're involved so seriously and still doesn't know he wants to get divorced... I understand these things take time, and, since coming here to Loveshack I understand even more that these things are normal when someone is getting divorced, and I have become comfortable with the fact that's not purposefully trying to string me along (at least not consciously), but, I've become more uncomfortable being involved with him until his divorce is finalized or at least underway.

 

I would like to tell him that I need my own separate life apart from him until we are actually able to be a real couple, which to me would mean that he's filed for and proceeding with divorce and his wife and kids understand that the marriage is totally over, we don't have to be in hiding, he has a permanent place with all of his stuff there, he understands that the house is now just his wife's house and he doesn't go hang out there except to pick up and drop off his kids (or of course I'll understand if it's, say, his daughter's prom or there's some major reason to be there together with his ex-wife for the kid's sake, but in general, no going over there for meals and hanging out etc.), and his kids come over to his house instead.

 

I am beginning to strongly feel this way but when I think of how to tell him it I feel like he will take it as not supporting him, and say I'm not the right one for him. But I think that if he says that, he's not the right one for me either! Because I have been really unhappy in this situation and he knows it and if he wants me to be happy then he needs to understand, just like I really try to understand his situation. I also know that it's a strange time to grow a conscience but I feel like just by my presence in his life I'm pressuring him to leave his family. Even though he claims and has pretty much always claimed that he wants to leave her on his own accord, when I see him do things like hang out at home I think that maybe he isn't really so ready as he says, and I don't think I could live with myself feeling like if I had gotten out of the way, he may have stayed with his family, but because of me, he left them. Because as many have pointed out, we have just been an affair, and not a long one at that, and I feel we would work as a couple but how do I really know, having only known him in this circumstance and for not so long? I would hate for him to leave because of me and then for us to not work out.

 

I also feel that if I tell him this he may rush things to be with me. I guess that would mean he really wants to be with me and there's nothing wrong with that. If he really does want to file for divorce and have it done and over with like he says, then that would be the impetus to do it. In the meantime I'll be living my own life because I know it won't happen overnight and I will need to stick by what I said even though I'll really miss him and even if he tells me, oh it's happening tomorrow, or whatever. And if he doesn't ever end up doing it because I'm not there for him during this hard time, then I will just have to be okay without him, because it will show me we weren't meant to be.

 

I want to do this but it seems so hard and scary. I don't know if I can.

[maravilla]

I'm just following up on my own post, thinking out loud. Bear with me here plz. I was just thinking that if I tell him we need to be apart until he has done x,y, and z, I will still feel like his mommy, still feel like I'm 'pushing' him to do things that I quite frankly feel he should already be doing if he's truly ready to get divorced, as he says. I will also be missing him and wondering whether he is really doing all of these things.

 

So I feel like I have two choices. One is just to accept that things are this way for now, even if I don't like them, and keep the future goal in mind (which is what he says he does, and urges me to do). Or I can decide I am done with this relationship, and that means him, in this current shape and form, which might also mean forever. I have to be ready to walk away for good and not just because I'm hoping things will turn out the way I want them to. I have to look at it more like, 'things are this way, and I don't like them, so I am walking away from them' instead of 'things are this way, and I don't like them, so I doing what I can to change them, or waiting for them to change, or taking a break until they change.'

 

I have to be done with this and know that if things change, then separated MM can come back as no-longer-MM and we can see how things are between us at that point. I'd be a new me, because I really do feel like I need to figure out why I've done certain things and I need to just work on me and be happy without him, and he'd be a new him, obviously less conflicted, having worked out his marriage issues and himself and able to just focus on us (and his kids). In my mind that is what I want so why am I settling for something less? Because I'm hoping things will get better. But really I don't know if they will and in the meantime I'm in pain and I'm not able to live my life while wondering what's going on with him.

 

I can just imagine the conversation with him and the crazy-making that would ensure. I feel I would need to be short and to the point, and just say, this isn't what I want, and I'm not happy, so I need to get out. He'll say, but I thought you loved me, and wanted to help me. I'll say, I do love you but loving you and trying to help you is causing me a lot of pain and unhappiness, and even though I'll miss you I need to be on my own because this isn't making me happy. Then he'll say, I've been doing everything I can to show you I want to be with you. What else can I do to prove it to you? What can I do so that you won't leave me? This is the part that I dread. Because really there's nothing he can do. If I say 'file for divorce' and he goes and does it, I will spend the rest of my life feeling like I made him divorce his wife and leave his family. Even if it's not true, that's how I'll feel. I do not want to tell him to file for divorce (and sadly I have, in terms of 'if you want to be with me then you need to file for divorce.') He'll say, we just looked at this place (which we're doing today) and I'm moving in after thanksgiving (or whenever) and NOW you are leaving me? And I'll say that I can't even wait a few more weeks... I can't... it's just killing me. Is that selfish? Is it abandoning him when he has come this far? I don't know but to him a few more weeks feels like forever to me. I would rather just step away during those few more weeks and see if he really follows through or not. He'll say, are we over for good then? And I'll say, no, I want with you what I always wanted which is to be a real couple. But we aren't right now. So later on down the line, when you available to be a real couple with me, then we can pick back up. But right now circumstances are not that way and I'm not able to separate myself from the issues enough, and I need to focus on me. I think he'll then say, but you'll have moved on by then, or he'll ask me to wait for him, and then we'll be back into this game of how long? If he knew how long it would take he would have told me! So, no, I can't guarantee him I'll wait. So he'll look at it as me leaving him. I really don't want to hurt him and I fear he'll take it as me breaking his heart. I guess when it comes down to it I've been suffering because I don't want to hurt him. Yes I'll miss him if we're apart but I know a part of me will feel like, yay, now I can just live my own life while he sorts out his mess. But in the meantime he'd be really missing me and hurting and that makes me hurt, too. So basically that's why I don't know what to do.

[maravilla]

It will take time, but not that much time. How long does it take to open up a checking account or new credit card account? How long does it take to transfer money into the new account? The only thing that I see taking time is finding a place, but from your previous posts it sounds like he even has that lined up already. If his a s s is on the ball and he's ready for this divorce to happen he can have everything done within two weeks, tops.

Did he mention to his lawyer friend that he has you? Because let me tell you, my atty knew I was having an emotional affair with someone and his advice was to cool it, to cut contact for the duration of the divorce proceedings. I'm guessing your AP's atty will suggest something of the same. I just want you to be prepared for that.

Also, once I was done with my ex I was done. I never went by the house to pick up the kids, I never ate dinner there, nothing. I did spend my last Christmas there, but that was more of a closure experience for myself and the ex-spouse. It's weird to me that your MM does so much still with his family, but to each his own, I guess.

 

I asked him if he told his lawyer about me and he said yes. He said his lawyer said that that doesn't make a difference in the divorce settlement of assets and custody etc. but that his wife might use that to have his kids go against him if she knows about me. (She does know about our affair but doesn't know we are still involved, or doesn't know the extent at least).

 

He said his lawyer said it's fine to keep seeing me although he shouldn't rub his wife's nose in it. Then he said his counselor recommended a six-month separation from both his wife and me to figure out what he wants to do. But he said he doesn't want to do that.

 

You hit the nail on the head with your comments about him still spending time with his family/wife at their house. This is what shows me he still has an emotional attachment at least to the house. Which makes sense because he designed/built it and it was his house for a long time, before he was even married to his wife. And of course he has built a family for years as well. So to me it makes sense that he is struggling with whether or not to really cut all ties, but also wants me in his life. Well that is just killing me. I feel this huge weight and I need to tell him to sort it all out and really be able to be with me before he asks me to be with him. When I look at it objectively, it stinks. He goes and decorates their house and spends time with them and then comes to me to complain over beer and cuddling that his wife is picking on his son and making his son unhappy... am I just a pillow to soak up all his stress and problems? Yet I believe in an open, honest relationship where everything is shared, so I can't tell him not to involve me in it. Really I need to tell him not to have me in his life until he has worked it all out and it can be just about me and him, and him and his kids. Not his wife and their family home. It's not fair to me that we aren't a public couple, that his wife thinks he's just taking some breathing room and deciding what he wants (and not fair to his wife or his kids either), that he goes and spends time over there to leave me wondering what's really going on and feeling left out. Maybe I'm a baby but I just can't handle it! I agree that it's strange and I would rather him be like you and just be done with it. He's clearly not and so there's just no place for me. I'm not going to tell him to not go over there. Honestly if there's a chance of his family staying together then I don't want to be the one who messes it up. I feel I have already done a bunch of stuff wrong and everytime I tell him I feel guilty he says he is leaving anyway and I'm not the reason. Well I guess he needs to prove that then! Thinking about it so much makes me go crazy.

 

You're right that those things don't take a long time, which makes me think he should give me a time period in which he will file. He hasn't. The place we are looking at today is available to rent after thanksgiving. So it sounds like once he has signed that lease (which could be before thanksgiving?) and opened his accounts and transferred money (which, you're right, doesn't take long), he can file for divorce. IMO then he should be giving me this timeline of how long things will take, but he doesn't. It makes me think he thinks about doing it by then but how do I know he really will? And honestly I don't think I can go on with this quasi-relationship and him being semi-married, etc., for another month. If he sat me down and seriously explained what it all entailed and promised me to have this done by that date, I think I could do it. But he isn't doing that, and I don't want to make him do that, and call me impatient but I can't handle it the way it currently is. It's like a big guessing game and hoping and wishing game. He says in time we will be together and to focus on the end goal. But I see all my todays slipping away with me worried about what he's going to do, instead of really enjoying my life. That's not totally his fault; I wish I had the type of personality that could just let it be and see what happens. But I'm not; I like to have things in place and know what's going on. I need more security than I have and I don't want it to come out of force. So I guess I have no other choice, if I'm not satisfied with how things are. And I'm not. Thanks for sharing your perspective. This thread has become a place for me to vent but now I need to actually make some decisions! It helps to talk, thank you.

[Confused4Now]

It will take time, but not that much time. How long does it take to open up a checking account or new credit card account? How long does it take to transfer money into the new account? The only thing that I see taking time is finding a place, but from your previous posts it sounds like he even has that lined up already. If his a s s is on the ball and he's ready for this divorce to happen he can have everything done within two weeks, tops.

Did he mention to his lawyer friend that he has you? Because let me tell you, my atty knew I was having an emotional affair with someone and his advice was to cool it, to cut contact for the duration of the divorce proceedings. I'm guessing your AP's atty will suggest something of the same. I just want you to be prepared for that.

Also, once I was done with my ex I was done. I never went by the house to pick up the kids, I never ate dinner there, nothing. I did spend my last Christmas there, but that was more of a closure experience for myself and the ex-spouse. It's weird to me that your MM does so much still with his family, but to each his own, I guess.

Good post I just want to say your post is exactly how mine went minus the Christmas part.....yuck...heeeheee but seriously....when a person is ready to leave they will move fast....but then I don't like lingering death.

[maravilla]

Good post I just want to say your post is exactly how mine went minus the Christmas part.....yuck...heeeheee but seriously....when a person is ready to leave they will move fast....but then I don't like lingering death.

 

Confused4now, this is what stumps me b/c MM is usually a decisive, impulsive, impatient and results-oriented person, much like myself. (I don't think those are bad qualities although in the extreme they can turn bad.) When he wants to do something, he does it (and I guess that's why he moved out so quickly). So the fact that he drags his feet on actually filing shows me that he isn't sure he wants to get divorced. I have to listen to that louder than I do his words. Because when I bring it up he says, rather angrily or out of frustration, yes I definitely want to get divorced, you don't listen to me, what do I have to do to prove it?

 

What does it mean that, after spending most of the day with me, he goes home to decorate the house for Halloween and spends time with his kids there, and his wife was there too? Then he comes back to my house and spends the night with me. To me those two things are opposite and I don't know how I could hang out with my family and then go see the man I say I love and want to be with... it just boggles my mind. But he acts like it's a normal adjustment period and he's trying to make his kids comfortable. I think it's more like he's trying to wean himself away from the family home? Or make himself more comfortable with the arrangement or ease his guilt? I trust him but I have no idea what really goes on with his wife - I know they don't spend the night together or spend large chunks of time together but I also know she doesn't know he intends to file for divorce shortly (or at least that's what he tells me), she doesn't know he loves me and intends to be with me for good (or at least that's what he tells me), his kids don't know how long he's gone for or when he might be coming back home... it just seems like the ugliest situation in the world. Even worse than when we were having an affair and he was living at home. Except that now he is seeing his kids a lot more.

[Confused4Now]

Confused4now, this is what stumps me b/c MM is usually a decisive, impulsive, impatient and results-oriented person, much like myself. (I don't think those are bad qualities although in the extreme they can turn bad.) When he wants to do something, he does it (and I guess that's why he moved out so quickly). So the fact that he drags his feet on actually filing shows me that he isn't sure he wants to get divorced. I have to listen to that louder than I do his words. Because when I bring it up he says, rather angrily or out of frustration, yes I definitely want to get divorced, you don't listen to me, what do I have to do to prove it?

 

What does it mean that, after spending most of the day with me, he goes home to decorate the house for Halloween and spends time with his kids there, and his wife was there too? Then he comes back to my house and spends the night with me. To me those two things are opposite and I don't know how I could hang out with my family and then go see the man I say I love and want to be with... it just boggles my mind. But he acts like it's a normal adjustment period and he's trying to make his kids comfortable. I think it's more like he's trying to wean himself away from the family home? Or make himself more comfortable with the arrangement or ease his guilt? I trust him but I have no idea what really goes on with his wife - I know they don't spend the night together or spend large chunks of time together but I also know she doesn't know he intends to file for divorce shortly (or at least that's what he tells me), she doesn't know he loves me and intends to be with me for good (or at least that's what he tells me), his kids don't know how long he's gone for or when he might be coming back home... it just seems like the ugliest situation in the world. Even worse than when we were having an affair and he was living at home. Except that now he is seeing his kids a lot more.

OKAY I'm going to say it... you are way to close to this situation. I know cause I did it myself and if you don't try stop over analyzing everything he does you are going to drive yourself nuts. Analysis paralysis...not to mention if you keep asking him questions about everything your going to remind him of his situation and the whole point is to enjoy your time...not figuring out his stuff. Don't do it.....step away or stay with him and shut your mouth!!! Be happy he moved out...my xMW did nothing in the 5 years to be with me.

[maravilla]

OKAY I'm going to say it... you are way to close to this situation. I know cause I did it myself and if you don't try stop over analyzing everything he does you are going to drive yourself nuts. Analysis paralysis...not to mention if you keep asking him questions about everything your going to remind him of his situation and the whole point is to enjoy your time...not figuring out his stuff. Don't do it.....step away or stay with him and shut your mouth!!! Be happy he moved out...my xMW did nothing in the 5 years to be with me.

 

Okay. Thanks.

 

ETA - Too late, I've already driven myself nuts.

[Confused4Now]

Okay. Thanks.

 

ETA - Too late, I've already driven myself nuts.

But you'll be driving him nuts too....and I will assure you he will step away from you if you keep doing it. I did it and many times my xMW told me listen you are driving me nuts cause all we talk about is my situation. When I'm with you I want to not think about anything but just US. So focus on that. Everything will fall in place...These things take time....I know mine did.

[maravilla]

But you'll be driving him nuts too....and I will assure you he will step away from you if you keep doing it. I did it and many times my xMW told me listen you are driving me nuts cause all we talk about is my situation. When I'm with you I want to not think about anything but just US. So focus on that. Everything will fall in place...These things take time....I know mine did.

 

I don't think I am cut out for that. When it comes to this relationship, I want what I want now. Is that a bad thing? Maybe. But it's how I feel. I can't just accept being in the dark and not knowing. I am the type to question and wonder. It's just who I am. Guess I gotta get out of this situation.

 

Thanks for the help.

[Capris]

 

What does it mean that, after spending most of the day with me, he goes home to decorate the house for Halloween and spends time with his kids there, and his wife was there too? Then he comes back to my house and spends the night with me. To me those two things are opposite and I don't know how I could hang out with my family and then go see the man I say I love and want to be with... it just boggles my mind. But he acts like it's a normal adjustment period and he's trying to make his kids comfortable. I think it's more like he's trying to wean himself away from the family home? Or make himself more comfortable with the arrangement or ease his guilt?

 

Although i have never been in this situation , i can see why it bothers you. It seems to me as a normal process. We have an A with a MM, we dont really want them to destroy their families but we want them to ourselves. Yours is on his way to you, it is hard for him to leave his kids. When he was in the A but still at home, he didnt see his kids much cause of his feelings for the wife. Now that he is away, he can see more clearly what really matters to him. Decorating the house for halloween does matter cause its an activity he does with his kids and now he doesnt have to avoid it because of the wife. Less pressure.

 

This is where the doubts come crawling in. What if he decides he wants to go back to his wife? What if he realizes that the thing he was avoiding at first is actually the life he always wanted?

answer is hard: it might be. Maybe thats why he hasnt told his wife about you YET. As you want to be sure about what you are going in, he does too. If you werent around and he was again seperated this would probably be the process he would go for again.

 

 

I trust him but I have no idea what really goes on with his wife - I know they don't spend the night together or spend large chunks of time together but I also know she doesn't know he intends to file for divorce shortly (or at least that's what he tells me), she doesn't know he loves me and intends to be with me for good (or at least that's what he tells me), his kids don't know how long he's gone for or when he might be coming back home... it just seems like the ugliest situation in the world. Even worse than when we were having an affair and he was living at home. Except that now he is seeing his kids a lot more.

 

Panic stopper: He wouldnt lie to you about not telling his wife about his intensions for you. If he had told his wife, trust me he would tell you, its something you DO want to hear.

 

 

You have to be patient a little more with him, it is harder for him at this point.

Also you have to realise that he is going to spend time with his family even if you two get married, so you should figure your feelings out about that now.

 

Sorry but i have to go. I'll log again tomorrow to catch up!

Be patient!! it seems good from the little i have read!

[BB07]

=maravilla;3074481]Confused4now, this is what stumps me b/c MM is usually a decisive, impulsive, impatient and results-oriented person, much like myself. (I don't think those are bad qualities although in the extreme they can turn bad.) When he wants to do something, he does it (and I guess that's why he moved out so quickly). So the fact that he drags his feet on actually filing shows me that he isn't sure he wants to get divorced. I have to listen to that louder than I do his words. Because when I bring it up he says, rather angrily or out of frustration, yes I definitely want to get divorced, you don't listen to me, what do I have to do to prove it?

 

What does it mean that, after spending most of the day with me, he goes home to decorate the house for Halloween and spends time with his kids there, and his wife was there too? Then he comes back to my house and spends the night with me. To me those two things are opposite and I don't know how I could hang out with my family and then go see the man I say I love and want to be with... it just boggles my mind. But he acts like it's a normal adjustment period and he's trying to make his kids comfortable. I think it's more like he's trying to wean himself away from the family home? Or make himself more comfortable with the arrangement or ease his guilt? I trust him but I have no idea what really goes on with his wife

 

Marvilla, I'm sorry to say but you are answering your own questions as I've bolded above. They aren't good answers are they and it's clearly driving you nuts. Trust your intuition hon.

 

I know they don't spend the night together or spend large chunks of time together but I also know she doesn't know he intends to file for divorce shortly (or at least that's what he tells me), she doesn't know he loves me and intends to be with me for good (or at least that's what he tells me), his kids don't know how long he's gone for or when he might be coming back home... it just seems like the ugliest situation in the world. Even worse than when we were having an affair and he was living at home. Except that now he is seeing his kids a lot more.

 

Marvilla I'm afraid a big ugly ****storm is going to happen when she does find out. You know.......I'm feeling bad for her (the wife) and you probably are also, because she doesn't know the truth of what is going on. If I had to guess he hasn't told her the truth because he doesn't want it to feel as final as it will if she knew the REAL reasons he left. I also think that she probably is thinking that it's just a temporary thing him moving out, (would explain a lot of why he is still playing part time husband uh?) I'm afraid he is "showing" you and her by his actions that he isn't nearly as sure as he says he is. On the other hand I do get why he would feel the way he does and he should seriously consider what he is doing and planning on embarking on as a huge change in his life, but yet to drag you down the road of his uncertainty is not fair to you. Also.....he shouldn't deceive his wife any more about the real reasons that he is not with her, he shouldn't let her hope for reconciliation if he is truly sure that it isn't going to happen.

I'm thinking dday will happen and he will scamper back home....when the ****e hits the fan and if you allow yourself to stay in it, there will be a lot of going back and forth and you are going to be right in the middle of it.

I know you are very torn about staying in it because you love him and you don't want to let him down and you feel like he needs you and I also get that you probably feel paralyzed afraid to make the wrong decision for yourself, but yet you have to look out for YOURSELF before him. He can't and won't put you first. I know it sucks....and I'm not telling you what to do, but I'm afraid I can see the writing on the wall.

[maravilla]

This is where the doubts come crawling in. What if he decides he wants to go back to his wife? What if he realizes that the thing he was avoiding at first is actually the life he always wanted?

answer is hard: it might be. Maybe thats why he hasnt told his wife about you YET. As you want to be sure about what you are going in, he does too. If you werent around and he was again seperated this would probably be the process he would go for again.

 

Panic stopper: He wouldnt lie to you about not telling his wife about his intensions for you. If he had told his wife, trust me he would tell you, its something you DO want to hear.

 

 

Yeah, I think he hasn't told her about still being with me and wanting to be with me seriously so that he can keep the door open. He says he hasn't told her about me because he's afraid of hurting her. He said he knows he's hurting her now but not really hurting her, not as in leaving her for good, and he's getting up the courage to be able to do that because it's hard. Honestly I think that both reasons are why he hasn't told her. In case it gets too hard or we don't work out, he can go back, and also because he doesn't want to hurt her. Either way, it leaves us in this standing pattern.

 

He pointed out that he does everything with me and spends time with me and we go out where people can see us; it's not just shacking up for secret sex. I said I know but those two things-- his not wanting to hurt his wife by her knowing we're still together, and us going out in public together where people see us and could tell her-- are opposite of each other. He said he knows, and he knows it doesn't make sense, but he's crazy and he acts on his feelings and there's a side of him that doesn't care what people think as long as it doesn't hurt his wife.

 

 

 

You have to be patient a little more with him, it is harder for him at this point.

Also you have to realise that he is going to spend time with his family even if you two get married, so you should figure your feelings out about that now.

 

I have absolutely no problem with him spending time with his kids. He has mentioned his son living with him and I am all for it, even though that means I won't get to see him nearly as much for quite some time (I personally don't want to be around his kids until they are divorced). Right now his son goes to stay with him some nights and I am always totally flexible and supportive. If anything I think he really needs to strengthen his relationship with his kids by being around them more. But what I'm not okay with is his hanging out at home with his wife. I understand if it's a significant shared event for the kids, like Prom or maybe a birthday party being hosted there or something, but I would not be forever cool with him going back there for breakfasts and Halloween decorating like he is now. The way I see it is that if he wants a new life without being married to her (which he says he does), then he needs to have the kids over to his place to decorate and eat etc.

 

I'm trying to understand it as a short-term adjustment period for the sake of his kids, and maybe even for his own sake, fine, but I don't think it's how a normal divorce works and I can't stick around for long if he keeps it up. Now when it comes to his relationship with his kids, I am totally for him seeing them as much as possible. Just not with his wife at the house that is supposed to be going to his wife, from what he tells me.

 

Thanks for all your help capris!

[maravilla]

Marvilla I'm afraid a big ugly ****storm is going to happen when she does find out. You know.......I'm feeling bad for her (the wife) and you probably are also, because she doesn't know the truth of what is going on. If I had to guess he hasn't told her the truth because he doesn't want it to feel as final as it will if she knew the REAL reasons he left. I also think that she probably is thinking that it's just a temporary thing him moving out, (would explain a lot of why he is still playing part time husband uh?) I'm afraid he is "showing" you and her by his actions that he isn't nearly as sure as he says he is. On the other hand I do get why he would feel the way he does and he should seriously consider what he is doing and planning on embarking on as a huge change in his life, but yet to drag you down the road of his uncertainty is not fair to you. Also.....he shouldn't deceive his wife any more about the real reasons that he is not with her, he shouldn't let her hope for reconciliation if he is truly sure that it isn't going to happen.

I'm thinking dday will happen and he will scamper back home....when the ****e hits the fan and if you allow yourself to stay in it, there will be a lot of going back and forth and you are going to be right in the middle of it.

I know you are very torn about staying in it because you love him and you don't want to let him down and you feel like he needs you and I also get that you probably feel paralyzed afraid to make the wrong decision for yourself, but yet you have to look out for YOURSELF before him. He can't and won't put you first. I know it sucks....and I'm not telling you what to do, but I'm afraid I can see the writing on the wall.

 

bb07, I don't know if it makes a difference in terms of what you're saying, but, his wife does know about our affair. She doesn't know he is continuing to see me. I would think she would wonder or assume but he says he doesn't say one way or the other and she doesn't ask. Now in the past he has told me she's asked and he's denied so as not to make the divorce ugly and not to hurt her.

 

I could see her getting really mad once she finds out we've been together this whole time. Or just assumes that if he tells her or she finds out that we're together now. He's trying to avoid this but I don't see how it's possible to avoid it. I don't know whether this would make him scamper back home... he left after she found out about our affair, and she still wants to be with him. I think he is just really afraid of hurting her but that's rather inevitable and he's obviously hurting her slowly instead of all at once!

 

I agree it's not fair to drag me down his road of uncertainty, especially pretending all the while he's certain (which I'm sure he is, when he's talking to me).

[maravilla]

I feel silly. We were on our way to lunch and he asked me if I was okay and I just burst out crying! I said I'm an emotional mess and I just can't do this anymore because I'm not happy with the situation. He asked me if I can be happy knowing we will be together in the long-run and I said, I will be happy when we are actually together, but until we are, no, I don't think I can be happy. I have tried to accept the situation for what it is, but I can't, and I don't want to pressure him to change it.

 

He actually handled it really well. He said he would like me to hang in there with him and he has done everything to make it easier on me and he thinks it will be worth it in the end. At the same time, he understands if I'm unhappy and he loves me so he's not going to fight me anymore, he will give me what I want. He told me he wants to do things on his own timeline and do what is best for his custody of his kids and his relationship with them and so as not to hurt his wife too much, but that he also doesn't want to lose me.

 

I said that I can't help worrying and wondering and I'm afraid I'm going to drive him crazy with my questioning. He said something strange: that he doesn't mind my questioning, that in fact it helps him decide what to do and he is comfortable with everything he's done so far even if it was because of my prodding sometimes. He said he believes he is strong enough to carry us both through this and even if I start to doubt us, he will have faith in us and that me expressing my doubts and fears and questions helps him, instead of hurts him/us. He said he needs me to keep him in check and that I always end up being right.

 

This is so confusing.

[Capris]

He said he knows he's hurting her now but not really hurting her, not as in leaving her for good, and he's getting up the courage to be able to do that because it's hard. Honestly I think that both reasons are why he hasn't told her. In case it gets too hard or we don't work out, he can go back, and also because he doesn't want to hurt her. Either way, it leaves us in this standing pattern.

 

I understand your frustration... Its like standing in front of the finish line,the others are waaaay back, just staring at it when you can just take a step and win!

Doesnt it suck when they "cant decide"? Like wtf man? you left your family for me, wth are leaving a door open??!!

 

BUT...if it isnt the only life he has known, it sure is a life he has been living for years...its a life decision that has his own kids involved. Truth is you are standing in a critical condition right now... As i see it (with all my insecurities and all) he may decide to go back to his wife...BUT...thats better...not the wife returning thing, but if he wants to go back, its better for you to know that now. Its better for both of you to get a clean start. This of course is hard and you already know that.

 

The only thing i can advise you is patience...i really dont know how long this is going on, but give it time! try not to think of it too much and if you do, keep it in here. Maybe telling him all your worries isnt good for the pressure he is already going through..Just a thought.

 

He pointed out that he does everything with me and spends time with me and we go out where people can see us; it's not just shacking up for secret sex. I said I know but those two things-- his not wanting to hurt his wife by her knowing we're still together, and us going out in public together where people see us and could tell her-- are opposite of each other. He said he knows, and he knows it doesn't make sense, but he's crazy and he acts on his feelings and there's a side of him that doesn't care what people think as long as it doesn't hurt his wife.

 

Those two really dont go together if you think of it as a math problem. But in real life and when it comes to a man who is going what he is going through, i find it normal. Maybe he still finds it appealing too. Dont forget its the only life you two have actually known (the hiding and stuff) Sometimes i think about that in my A and say to myself "what would it be like if we CAN be together?"...i end up thinking it would be like you describe your current relationship, cause we are used to the hiding and all the exitement..

 

Of course that just one aspect of the situation. Sometimes men may think like: well if they find out ok, as long as its not me who bared the bad news...get what i mean?

 

And dont forget, as much as we love them, as much as good men we know they are, they were still at some point cheaters.

 

 

 

 

I have absolutely no problem with him spending time with his kids.

............

I'm trying to understand it as a short-term adjustment period for the sake of his kids, and maybe even for his own sake, fine, but I don't think it's how a normal divorce works and I can't stick around for long if he keeps it up. Now when it comes to his relationship with his kids, I am totally for him seeing them as much as possible. Just not with his wife at the house that is supposed to be going to his wife, from what he tells me.

 

its good you have decided where you stand when it comes to the kids. Now as for the wife, again, there is nothing more that i can advise you do to than patience...You have waited long enough for him to make these steps, its just a little longer to finally have what you want..meaning al normal life, with or without him. I think the ball is in his court now. The only thing you can do is love him as you always did.

 

Another approach may be the one i sometimes follow: "do what you would do if i wasnt in the picture" as you mentioned in one of your posts, you are A reason, but not THE reason of the divorce... If you are the only reason, then its better for him to go back and you to go on...(this includes advise for myself also)

 

Just some thoughts...

It is really nice meeting you,maravilla! you remind me of my way of thinking!!

[2sunny]

I feel silly. We were on our way to lunch and he asked me if I was okay and I just burst out crying! I said I'm an emotional mess and I just can't do this anymore because I'm not happy with the situation. He asked me if I can be happy knowing we will be together in the long-run and I said, I will be happy when we are actually together, but until we are, no, I don't think I can be happy. I have tried to accept the situation for what it is, but I can't, and I don't want to pressure him to change it.

 

He actually handled it really well. He said he would like me to hang in there with him and he has done everything to make it easier on me and he thinks it will be worth it in the end. At the same time, he understands if I'm unhappy and he loves me so he's not going to fight me anymore, he will give me what I want. He told me he wants to do things on his own timeline and do what is best for his custody of his kids and his relationship with them and so as not to hurt his wife too much, but that he also doesn't want to lose me.

 

I said that I can't help worrying and wondering and I'm afraid I'm going to drive him crazy with my questioning. He said something strange: that he doesn't mind my questioning, that in fact it helps him decide what to do and he is comfortable with everything he's done so far even if it was because of my prodding sometimes. He said he believes he is strong enough to carry us both through this and even if I start to doubt us, he will have faith in us and that me expressing my doubts and fears and questions helps him, instead of hurts him/us. He said he needs me to keep him in check and that I always end up being right.

 

This is so confusing.

 

:rolleyes: oh brother! :rolleyes:

 

he will SAY anything to you to keep stringing you along.

 

step away until the divorce is FINAL! you will then have solid EVIDENCE that he actually is willing to DO anything and everything to be a man that is available for you.

 

until he DOES exactly that - he may NEVER be free.

 

 

if you step away and take care of yourself while he goes through this long drawn out process - you save yourself from getting on the wild roller coaster ride he's going to be on until it's all a DONE DEAL.

 

take care of YOU - no one else is going to do that for you - certainly not him... he will ALWAYS look out for HIS best interest... now YOU take care of YOU first and foremost!

[Capris]

 

This is so confusing.

 

Is it wrong i dont find it confusing at all?

What i just read is a couple holding on to each other, helping each other get through a reaaaally tough time.

 

About his wife not knowing about you two...he is willing to fight for custody...isnt an affair a BIG thumbdown on that if he reveals it is still going on?Good reason to hide it if you ask me..

 

I dont know if im right or wrong, or just using your comeout to reassure my A(silly thing to do but it happens), but i just read a really nice and honest relationsip between you two under these circumstances.

 

 

Just some thoughts again..

[Silly_Girl]

What HAS he done or arranged? It's all a bit mysterious and this is one situation that has no place for mystery and secrets.

 

You were very upset, and said he handled it well. From here it looks like he handled nothing but calmed you down and smoothed things over. Is there more that I've missed? Apologies if so.