savannah86 Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 My last relationship was bad. He cheated. Abused me mentally/emotionally. The only way I got enough strength to get away from him was by going through his emails and phone and everything to figure out what he was really up to... i found pictures from other girls, creepy pictures that he took of my friends without their permission.. caught him constantly looking at porn (I'm talking about in the middle of the day from when he said he was at the library. I've no problem with guys looking at porn... just he did it ALL THE TIME.) and finally him trying to lure a 15 year old girl back to his apartment for drinks and "things your parents wont approve of ;)" Anyways. Its been almost a year and I'm in a new relationship. Its great, he treats me so well. But I still have that compulsive need to constantly go through his stuff! I like to. It makes me feel safe. It fills in the details. My new guy and I met on a dating site. He still talks to this other girl from the site... it didnt work out romantically for them but she's still a friend and a girl who has problems and is recovering from an eating disorder and I guess he likes to be needed. He likes that he can help someone. Thats fine. She used to send him flirty texts which I found because of the snooping. He told me about her and things were fine. Its just that finding it made me want to snoop more. So I periodically look through his phone and his facebook. I never really find anything. I once found a message from that girl that said, "Are we still on for tomorrow?" And got very upset. We fought about it and he explained that they hang out sometimes and that she was coming over to help clean his apartment and he was paying her back by making him dinner. I understand. And he has a lot of friends that are girls so its not weird to me. He said he knew i didnt like her and was trying to protect me from this by not telling me about her and shoving their friendship in my face. He said he would agree to tell me when he was hanging out with the people I didnt like because I said it would make me more comfortable. But i just cant stop looking through his stuff. I dont want to stop. I dont see the problem with it! I know there might be something wrong... he says it makes him feel really uncomfortable and like I dont trust him. I dont know. He can look through my stuff all he wants. Aside from hurting his feelings, I dont see the problem. And given my past experiences I can honestly say that I'm confident nothing is going on. I just dont want to stop. But I dont want to fight anymore. Please give us some advice on how to work this out so everyone is happy.
Shindig Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 If he doesn't mind your snooping and inevitable "finds" and resulting confrontations like the one you described then I think you're okay but it sounds like you're not as cool with it as you say. Clearly the flirty single ladies are threatening even if they don't pose a legitimate threat to your relationship. I understand being upset when people are disrespectful of your relationship but you don't 'own' them and can't control how they behave. Your guy does have a responsibility to you at least if he intends to keep you. Maybe develop a policy that if he's going to hang out with single women that he needs to bring you along until you can get a sense that they're really just friends and learn to trust him through witnessing his behavior. If these girls really just want to be friends and your guy really just wants to be friends, your coming along shouldn't be a problem. You're a legitimate part of his life, right?
Author savannah86 Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 Things I've found: Him saying "I love you!" and similar responses from his girl friends. Pretty regular, long phone conversations. Emptied text message inboxes. Things I've found that have made me upset: "So are we still on for tomorrow?" Secret meetings. I feel like if I was being COMPLETELY unreasonable then I would have freaked out about everything I've found..which, lets be honest... really isnt that much. Its just the secret meetings that have bothered me. Everything else I have never brought up nor held against him. I just need advice on learning how to stop. I've thought about it all day and I've figured out why I do it: It makes me feel safe. He says I'm looking for something. I'm actually looking for nothing. And every time I find nothing it makes me feel good, secure.
BellaBellaBella Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I would tell him, simply I have trust issues. You know this. I am sorry I have this baggage, but here it is. So, you doing things like meeting people and not telling me triggers me. If you care about me, you will be honest and tell me. It takes time to build trust.
painfullyobvious Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Be honest with him as you are on this board. Also, I think you really need to take care of yourself as well. Look at getting some counseling to address your self esteem as abuse always effects this area of your life. Find ways to occupy your life with things that you enjoy as to not remain so focused on relationships for your happiness. You possess everything you need inside yourself for happiness. Do not tolerate abuse ever again in a relationship
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