Anniversaries and Holidays

[GreenEyedLady]

OP:

 

I was an OW. My MM left his M and we married.

 

We ALWAYS celebrated birthdays and OUR anniversary.

 

The BS is the one you are fixating on. Why is she taking up space in your thoughts?

 

If this is a R that you see yourself staying in, GET OVER HER. Focus on you and your R. And these are questions that you should be asking your lover. Only he knows. And if you are satisfied with his answers, then that's all that matters.

 

All I know is that if you accept what everyone here says about not having an anniversary or being able to celebrate birthdays or buy your lover gifts, then you will NEVER rise above OW. And if that's not something you want, then you're right on track. But if your expectations are the opposite, then start voicing them.

 

And stop worrying about things you can't control and worry about the ones you can. (How did you even know their anniversary?)

 

State your expectations and don't settle. Don't play his games. YOU set the tone. He does not have the power here, you do.

 

GEL

[stillafool]

I was hoping that all the things he told me were true. He SAYS that they won't be celebrating their anniversary, but I have no way to tell and I should probably just stop thinking about it all together.

 

 

Why don't you ask him to spend that day with you since he isn't celebrating his anniversary and see what he says. Also why are you worrying about his wife and what she's doing if MM already told you that you are the one he loves?

[Fieldsofgold]

OP:

 

I was an OW. My MM left his M and we married.

 

We ALWAYS celebrated birthdays and OUR anniversary.

 

The BS is the one you are fixating on. Why is she taking up space in your thoughts?

 

If this is a R that you see yourself staying in, GET OVER HER. Focus on you and your R. And these are questions that you should be asking your lover. Only he knows. And if you are satisfied with his answers, then that's all that matters.

 

All I know is that if you accept what everyone here says about not having an anniversary or being able to celebrate birthdays or buy your lover gifts, then you will NEVER rise above OW. And if that's not something you want, then you're right on track. But if your expectations are the opposite, then start voicing them.

 

And stop worrying about things you can't control and worry about the ones you can. (How did you even know their anniversary?)

 

State your expectations and don't settle. Don't play his games. YOU set the tone. He does not have the power here, you do.

 

GEL

 

GEL makes some good points. Tell him what you expect from him, and expect him to follow through. Don't tolerate excuses and BS. Let him know in no uncertain terms what you will and will not tolerate!

 

Tell him that you expect him to spend the anniversary day, and esp. The evening with you. Then you won't have to wonder or worry about what they are doing.

 

Go on and live your life, and if he wants to be part of it, good. Otherwise, leave him in the dust. Don't be the one sitting around, waiting to be fitted in.

 

If you make clear your expectations for the relationship, and that you won't settle for less, one of two things will happen. He will either man up and do right by you, or he will get the heck out of Dodge before sundown!

 

Either way, you will have your answer.

 

As for what to do with yourself and your time - go volunteer somewhere. Find a club or organization you can get excited about (or at least tolerably interested in.) You will have things to occupy your thoughts, activity to keep you busy, you will make new friends, and you will bendoing something you view as worthwhile. All very good for your mental health, self-esteem, and social life.

 

A little ancedote about presents, MM, and holidays. For a very special occasion, I gave my BF a beautiful and valuable antique porcelain figurine from my collection. And he gave me very lovely earrings. A few days after I found out he was M, I decided to ask him to return my gift, since he had accepted it under false pretenses. I wanted to return the expensive earrings he had given me, as well. When I arrived at his house, he wasn't home, but his OW was! I told her why I was there. She said, "Oh, you mean the one in the paper sack, in the floor of his car?" It had been there ever since I gave it to him! Rattling around in his car! In the heat, and in the freezing weather! It had never gotten past his car.

 

Then I gave her the box containing the earrings and asked her to return them to him for me. Her eyes got big as saucers and her jaw hit the floor. He had given them to her, first. Then snuck them away to give to me! I couldn't help wonder if he had given them to his W first. What a jerk!

[jennie-jennie]

I was hoping that all the things he told me were true. He SAYS that they won't be celebrating their anniversary, but I have no way to tell and I should probably just stop thinking about it all together. They are going to a halloween party together and dressing up in matching outfits with their daughter...He SAYS that he has to go...He also says that he wants me, that I'm the one he wants to be with and he's going to make it happen. That he just needs time. I didn't want to push him or pressure him, but I just don't see how I'm going to handle all these holidays that are coming up...

 

I guess I should just listen to my instincts and not my emotions, but that's just so hard to do, you know?

 

Which scenario is worse in your opinion:

 

If you believe him and he is untruthful, then you will not end up together.

 

If you believe him and he is truthful, then you will end up together (provided he manages to follow through).

 

If you don't believe him and he is truthful, you might very well not end up together anyway, because you would have destroyed the trust that is needed in a relationship.

[Ellin]

I get that, I really do. Not when it's becoming fashion, though.

But written with words like "I don't think it is romantic" and "fake" this and that sounds like these are facts. No? Can't be that all situations are on the same Amtrak. Just saying...

 

Hi E, long time don't rumble with your fairyself! Anyway, don't want to TJ.

 

No, statements which inculde "I don't think" and "it could be" are most definitely statements of opinion, not facts.

 

And what has it got to do with my post in which I said that PIH only described the way mind tends to work?

[Carrot2000]

So I guess you're off the NC he instituted?

[jj33]

I dont know if this works for you but when I was in the A it worked for me. l accepted that he had a prior obligation to his family. Thats true in your case too because he is still married and says he isnt leaving for at least 3 months.

 

You may wish he was with you, you may think oh it would be so great if we were going to spend the time together but you are not.

 

So instead of making it a competition with his family (which its not). Wish him well. You love this man right? And you believe he loves you?

 

So you assume that of COURSE he will miss you and wish he could share hte actual day with you. You create your own day to celebate the holidays whether its the day before or day after or a week before or a week after depending on what makes sense given both your schedules.

 

And on the day hope he has a great time. Think of him with his children (if he has any) or extended family.

 

If you really hope hes not having a great time, then how much do you really love him? Wanting him to be happy includes wanting him to be happy when he is not tied to your side.

 

Get over the jealousy and the notion that he can only be happy on special days when you are together. Its small minded and beneath you. He has other important people in his life and you are not his primary family at this moment so no you dont get the big holidays yet.

 

Have you even thought about how it would work when he leaves? He will still have a family and if he has kids they may be part of Thanksgiving Christmas etc.

 

As for his anniversary, thats a different story. I dont get why hes waiting until after his anniversary to tell her.

 

That being said, if hte marriage is not in good shape the anniversary may not be the gala celebratoin you are conjuring up in your mind and even if it is his heart wont be in nit if he is really planning to leave.

 

It could be that they go out to dinner. And? They are married they eat dinner together all the time right? No big deal. Once about a year after we stopped seeing each other, xMM texted me during his anniversary party. There he was in the midst of 60 or so people celebrating his anniversary and nipping off to text a FOW (me) telling me he missed me. (and btw meant nothing hes still married).

 

 

So the essence of it, is as another poster said, dont let your mind play tricks on you. If you believe he loves you and is leaving, then there is no need to get youself all twisted up over the holidays. Believe in your heart that next year will be different.

 

If he hasnt said something to her by mid January, at that point I would rethink your "faith" in his promises. Until then just try to sit tight. Live your life and see what happens

[stillafool]

Where is sc58?

[sc58]

Where is sc58?

 

Sorry, I haven't had time to post! Busy with work and got a ticket for running a red light yesterday...The day after I went to court to fight my speeding ticket. What kind of luck is that?? It ruined my mood so I went shopping

 

Anyways, to answer Carrot2000's question, yes we broke NC...We haven't been seeing or talking to each other as much as we used to, though. I think the reason I keep thinking about the two of them together, celebrating the holidays, etc. is because I don't think I understand how he's going to file for divorce after having a good time spending the holidays with his W...He could change is mind after that...

 

But I do believe he loves me, and I also believe that he means what he says about leaving in 3 months. He said that I only have to wait 3 months, then we'll have the rest of our lives together. He even told me to take a week off of work in October (on one of our special days) so we could go on a trip together. And we are also celebrating his birthday together (ON his birthday) in a couple weeks. He says he doesn't want to spend that day with anyone else and reserved it for me...

 

We did celebrate our anniversary together (the day we met) and he got me the sweetest gift. He had gotten a little notebook that he drew all over, and wrote a little note or drawing about how much he loves me or about a special day we had together or an inside joke or a quote on every page of the book. It took him months to finish. He spent my birthday with me and bought me gifts that day as well. He surprised me and came by my office on my birthday and gave me flowers and went out to dinner later that week (I had dinner with my family that day). Now that I think about it, last year, we actually did get to spend time together on every holiday.

 

Thank you everyone for your comments and advice! They were very helpful. I'll try to get over the jealousy and not fixate so much on him and his W. He has always made an effort to celebrate the holidays with me and has always gotten me gifts, so I should believe him and just focus on OUR relationship and stop thinking about theirs.

[Carrot2000]

Anyways, to answer Carrot2000's question, yes we broke NC...We haven't been seeing or talking to each other as much as we used to, though. I think the reason I keep thinking about the two of them together, celebrating the holidays, etc. is because I don't think I understand how he's going to file for divorce after having a good time spending the holidays with his W...He could change is mind after that...

 

Damn, girl, I thought you were out of the woods. I was really hoping you would stand by your NC and your plan to live your life, go out with friends and not wait on him. Sounds like he's successfully sucked you back in.

[Mino]

Sorry, I haven't had time to post! Busy with work and got a ticket for running a red light yesterday...The day after I went to court to fight my speeding ticket. What kind of luck is that?? It ruined my mood so I went shopping

 

Anyways, to answer Carrot2000's question, yes we broke NC...We haven't been seeing or talking to each other as much as we used to, though. I think the reason I keep thinking about the two of them together, celebrating the holidays, etc. is because I don't think I understand how he's going to file for divorce after having a good time spending the holidays with his W...He could change is mind after that...

 

But I do believe he loves me, and I also believe that he means what he says about leaving in 3 months. He said that I only have to wait 3 months, then we'll have the rest of our lives together. He even told me to take a week off of work in October (on one of our special days) so we could go on a trip together. And we are also celebrating his birthday together (ON his birthday) in a couple weeks. He says he doesn't want to spend that day with anyone else and reserved it for me...

 

We did celebrate our anniversary together (the day we met) and he got me the sweetest gift. He had gotten a little notebook that he drew all over, and wrote a little note or drawing about how much he loves me or about a special day we had together or an inside joke or a quote on every page of the book. It took him months to finish. He spent my birthday with me and bought me gifts that day as well. He surprised me and came by my office on my birthday and gave me flowers and went out to dinner later that week (I had dinner with my family that day). Now that I think about it, last year, we actually did get to spend time together on every holiday.

 

Thank you everyone for your comments and advice! They were very helpful. I'll try to get over the jealousy and not fixate so much on him and his W. He has always made an effort to celebrate the holidays with me and has always gotten me gifts, so I should believe him and just focus on OUR relationship and stop thinking about theirs.

Wow,,,, I remember that, wait three months, after the Holidays... Funny, 3 months turned into 5 years!

[Confused4Now]

Wow,,,, I remember that, wait three months, after the Holidays... Funny, 3 months turned into 5 years!

Wow mine said the same exact thing...the good thing is I made sure there wasn't going to be a 5th Holiday season to go by....I ended it.

[Mino]

Good for YOU Confused!!! ( think we need to change ur name, ur not confused anymore) I wish I were that smart during that crazy A, but I did learn too, just took me a bit longer!

[Confused4Now]

Good for YOU Confused!!! ( think we need to change ur name, ur not confused anymore) I wish I were that smart during that crazy A, but I did learn too, just took me a bit longer!

I also started making a lot of friends since the beginning of the year. I told her I could assure her if she wasn't there during the holidays it meant she was going to stay in her marriage and I also told her I was not going to be alone and guess what....it looks like its going to turn out exactly how my GUT was telling me.