Anniversaries and Holidays

[sc58]

It's my MM and his W's anniversary next week....I can't seem to stop thinking about how they're going to go out for a romantic dinner and he's going to buy her a nice gift and how WE don't have an anniversary because THEY'RE the ones that are married. How do you guys deal with this??

 

His birthday is also the following week and I catch myself wondering what she's going to do for him...And now that the holidays are coming up, I don't know how I'm going to deal with it...I will be busy with my own family and friends, but just thinking of the two of them together, having a good time, makes me so sad. I just wish I could stop the thoughts and the wondering. How can I do that??

[pureinheart]

We have a tendancy of painting this romantic picture in our minds, I used to do it all of the time during a break up, imagining my ex out with someone else...in this case, I don't think it is romantic as you think. I would say the romance could be fake (if there is any romance at all) on his part, lest he would not be having an EMA.

[bentnotbroken]

As you said, they are the one's married. And whether the romance is fake or not, it is what it is. They will celebrate the way that they see fit romance, fighting, having sex or ignoring each other.

[BlackLovely]

It's my MM and his W's anniversary next week....I can't seem to stop thinking about how they're going to go out for a romantic dinner and he's going to buy her a nice gift and how WE don't have an anniversary because THEY'RE the ones that are married. How do you guys deal with this??

 

His birthday is also the following week and I catch myself wondering what she's going to do for him...And now that the holidays are coming up, I don't know how I'm going to deal with it...I will be busy with my own family and friends, but just thinking of the two of them together, having a good time, makes me so sad. I just wish I could stop the thoughts and the wondering. How can I do that??

The easiest way would be to end the relationship. It doesn't seem like you're able to deal with the realities of being an OW. There's nothing wrong with that, by the way.

[Confused4Now]

As you said, they are the one's married. And whether the romance is fake or not, it is what it is. They will celebrate the way that they see fit romance, fighting, having sex or ignoring each other.

AMEN to this....I know I once thought about it as well. I just don't go there anymore. I mean why...like bent says not matter how they are during those events they are still married....they choose how to to recognize those events.

[Mimolicious]

We have a tendancy of painting this romantic picture in our minds, I used to do it all of the time during a break up, imagining my ex out with someone else...in this case, I don't think it is romantic as you think. I would say the romance could be fake (if there is any romance at all) on his part, lest he would not be having an EMA.

 

 

Let me ask you something PIH.... What do you get out of paiting the same pic in every sitch? Would it be appropiate for me to say that the tendency that you have is painting the same "miserable" pic in your mind. No pun intended...

 

I was M to a person who obviously had an A, this is why he is now my xH. Yet, even after finding out, I didn't live in my pajamas 24/7 with my mascara running and turned every holiday, birthday, anniversary, all saint's day into a funeral because he had an OW. Life went on everyday and not exactly in this "Fake" unicorns and rainbow imaginary world that you want to think BS's create. His A was not the core value of my every day life.

 

Is this some type of coping mechanism or something???

 

If thinking this way makes anyone feel better about their situation then its kinda hypocritical to tell someone else that they are in fact living an "illusion". Remember, this is what your are imagining after all, they are in fact living it. Huge difference.

 

SC58- unfortunately, you really wont know unless you are a fly on the wall or manage to bug their house with some high tech shyte. It is what it is.

 

I certainly agree with Black Lovely. A person should chew what they can swallow.

[2sure]

sc58...

 

Anniversaries , holidays, etc just arent part of an affair relationship. So dont make them one.

 

Most MM cannot keep gifts OW gives them so thats usually not done either. Of course, if you are single there is no reason at all for him not to give you gifts at these special times.

 

BUT ..because you are missing out on those things and because you nevertheless remain available to him..

He should be making you feel special in any ways especially on your BD or with a vacation.

 

The thing is, affairs are not marriages - to put the same expectations on it is unrealistic. If you spend time thinking about him with his wife and family...an affair is not for you.

[jthorne]

sc58...

 

Anniversaries , holidays, etc just arent part of an affair relationship. So dont make them one.

 

Most MM cannot keep gifts OW gives them so thats usually not done either. Of course, if you are single there is no reason at all for him not to give you gifts at these special times.

 

BUT ..because you are missing out on those things and because you nevertheless remain available to him..

He should be making you feel special in any ways especially on your BD or with a vacation.

 

The thing is, affairs are not marriages - to put the same expectations on it is unrealistic. If you spend time thinking about him with his wife and family...an affair is not for you.

Actually, if we go by 2sure's post, affairs aren't BF/GF relationships either. A BF is free to spend holidays/anniversaries with his GF if he wishes. A GF can buy her man gifts and he doesn't have to worry about hiding them. (How insulting!) A BF can take his gal on vacations or buy her cool stuff without worrying about or hiding the credit card bill...

 

*shrug* Why miss out on that stuff?

[bentnotbroken]

Let me ask you something PIH.... What do you get out of paiting the same pic in every sitch? Would it be appropiate for me to say that the tendency that you have is painting the same "miserable" pic in your mind. No pun intended...

 

I was M to a person who obviously had an A, this is why he is now my xH. Yet, even after finding out, I didn't live in my pajamas 24/7 with my mascara running and turned every holiday, birthday, anniversary, all saint's day into a funeral because he had an OW. Life went on everyday and not exactly in this "Fake" unicorns and rainbow imaginary world that you want to think BS's create. His A was not the core value of my every day life.

 

Is this some type of coping mechanism or something???

 

If thinking this way makes anyone feel better about their situation then its kinda hypocritical to tell someone else that they are in fact living an "illusion". Remember, this is what your are imagining after all, they are in fact living it. Huge difference.

 

SC58- unfortunately, you really wont know unless you are a fly on the wall or manage to bug their house with some high tech shyte. It is what it is.

 

I certainly agree with Black Lovely. A person should chew what they can swallow.

 

 

It's the old stereotype double standard. BS stereotypically paint the affair as hot monkey sex and nothing beyond a booty call and AP stereotypically paint the marriage as and illusion of fakishness. Both with their own percentages of bull attached.

[whichwayisup]

It's my MM and his W's anniversary next week....I can't seem to stop thinking about how they're going to go out for a romantic dinner and he's going to buy her a nice gift and how WE don't have an anniversary because THEY'RE the ones that are married. How do you guys deal with this??

 

His birthday is also the following week and I catch myself wondering what she's going to do for him...And now that the holidays are coming up, I don't know how I'm going to deal with it...I will be busy with my own family and friends, but just thinking of the two of them together, having a good time, makes me so sad. I just wish I could stop the thoughts and the wondering. How can I do that??

 

You end it and walk away.

 

This is just part of the package deal one has to deal with when having an affair with someone who's married. They have a life already built with their spouse.

[Owl]

We have a tendancy of painting this romantic picture in our minds, I used to do it all of the time during a break up, imagining my ex out with someone else...in this case, I don't think it is romantic as you think. I would say the romance could be fake (if there is any romance at all) on his part, lest he would not be having an EMA.

 

You know...to a degree I've got to agree with some of the observations of other posters. You tend to paint this gloom and doom picture of the marriage...whereas having been through it I can both agree and disagree with your observations.

 

Let's take Mother's Day the year my wife was in her EA.

 

She was neck deep in her EA. Very emotionally involved with OM, and removing herself more and more from both our marriage and our family at the time. I knew there was something wrong...but was struggling with accepting that she truly could have become emotionally 'unfaithful'. This was just a couple of days prior to d-day.

 

The kids and I planned a day that we knew she'd love. We took her out to "The Cheesecake Factory" for lunch. I'd bought her a couple of gifts, and had helped the kids pick some out as well.

 

The first thing she did that morning was to come down and get on her computer and IM with OM.

 

She took her time getting ready, and it was very late by the time we got to the restaraunt. She barely noted the gifts that the kids and I gave her. She sat there distracted all through lunch, staring off into space and barely responding to attempts by the kids and I to talk with her.

 

Every opportunity she got that day to have me run an errand and free her up to IM with OM, she took. The kids were pretty much on their own.

 

So...you're right. It was a pretty lousy holiday. Not due to the failure of me or the kids to try to make it a good one. But entirely due to her distraction and distancing AS A RESULT OF THE AFFAIR.

 

Interestingly enough, once we chose to reconcile, one of the first things we did was to resume celebrating these kinds of things in a proper fashion.

 

My point to this is that even if it were the "gloom and doom" and completely unromantic event that you described, that could well be attributed solely to the WS themselves. The marriage is NOT always the main reason someone chooses to cheat...as a matter of fact, I don't believe it's the main reason. I believe that the "reason" is within the WS themselves. The marriage, the family, the BS...all may well be doing everything within their power to have a great relationship...and may even be succeeding. I know I certainly was...but because the "lack" was within her, that had little effect.

[Ellin]

Let me ask you something PIH.... What do you get out of paiting the same pic in every sitch? Would it be appropiate for me to say that the tendency that you have is painting the same "miserable" pic in your mind. No pun intended...

 

I was M to a person who obviously had an A, this is why he is now my xH. Yet, even after finding out, I didn't live in my pajamas 24/7 with my mascara running and turned every holiday, birthday, anniversary, all saint's day into a funeral because he had an OW. Life went on everyday and not exactly in this "Fake" unicorns and rainbow imaginary world that you want to think BS's create. His A was not the core value of my every day life.

 

Is this some type of coping mechanism or something???

 

If thinking this way makes anyone feel better about their situation then its kinda hypocritical to tell someone else that they are in fact living an "illusion". Remember, this is what your are imagining after all, they are in fact living it. Huge difference.

 

SC58- unfortunately, you really wont know unless you are a fly on the wall or manage to bug their house with some high tech shyte. It is what it is.

 

I certainly agree with Black Lovely. A person should chew what they can swallow.

 

I think PIH just wanted to say that she understands what the OP is going through and that often our mind plays "tricks" on us and makes us imagine things worse than they really are... It doesn't mean that she's getting anything out of it, or that she does it for some purpose, she's just saying that this is something that happens and make us miserable unnecessarily...

[East7]

It's my MM and his W's anniversary next week....I can't seem to stop thinking about how they're going to go out for a romantic dinner and he's going to buy her a nice gift and how WE don't have an anniversary because THEY'RE the ones that are married. How do you guys deal with this??

 

His birthday is also the following week and I catch myself wondering what she's going to do for him...And now that the holidays are coming up, I don't know how I'm going to deal with it...I will be busy with my own family and friends, but just thinking of the two of them together, having a good time, makes me so sad. I just wish I could stop the thoughts and the wondering. How can I do that??

 

I think that you should just ignore and not wonder what's going on between them, why do you care ?

This is part of events that you have to accept and ignore if you're having an A with a married person, whether you like it or not.

Talking of my own experience, me and my MW used to offer gifts and send cards to each-other for Xmass and each-other Birthdays. We had equal attentions to each-other. She loved my gifts and I loved hers. We even went in vacation together...It was weird because I was kind of 2nd husband and I was ok with that for a while until I got tired of the A.

[UntoldStory]

What a heartbreaking post to read, Owl. Thank you for sharing it.

 

I have been that MW, distracted and emotionally unavailable to my H and kids in the fog of the EA. I'm so glad to be out of that.

[jennie-jennie]

Actually, if we go by 2sure's post, affairs aren't BF/GF relationships either. A BF is free to spend holidays/anniversaries with his GF if he wishes. A GF can buy her man gifts and he doesn't have to worry about hiding them. (How insulting!) A BF can take his gal on vacations or buy her cool stuff without worrying about or hiding the credit card bill...

 

*shrug* Why miss out on that stuff?

 

The only vacations my MM takes are with me. We have our own anniversary which we celebrate. He keeps the gifts I give him in plain view. Don't know what you are talking about. Okay, the holidays I guess, I spend them with my children and he spends them with his. Big deal.

[Mimolicious]

I think PIH just wanted to say that she understands what the OP is going through and that often our mind plays "tricks" on us and makes us imagine things worse than they really are... It doesn't mean that she's getting anything out of it, or that she does it for some purpose, she's just saying that this is something that happens and make us miserable unnecessarily...

 

I get that, I really do. Not when it's becoming fashion, though.

But written with words like "I don't think it is romantic" and "fake" this and that sounds like these are facts. No? Can't be that all situations are on the same Amtrak. Just saying...

 

Hi E, long time don't rumble with your fairyself! Anyway, don't want to TJ.

[Carrot2000]

Wasn't MM supposed to be rushing his divorce to be with you? Aren't you on NC? And aren't you supposed to be going about the business of enjoying your life until he gets his act together?

 

For you own sanity, stop fixating on this man and his marriage.

[D-Lish]

Unfortunately, such a situation is something you sign up for when you get involved with a person that is married- it's just an inevitable conflict you are going to face.

 

You may be having an affair with him, but he's still having a marriage with his wife.

 

The only way to avoid this, is to stand up for yourself and leave the affair.

[sc58]

I understand what a lot of you have written here, that it just comes with the situation of having an affair. And yes, my MM was supposed to be "rushing" his divorce to be with me, which in actuality means waiting 3 months to even file. And yes, I was supposed to be NC and enjoying my life, but that didn't work out too well. I would LOVE to stop fixating on this man and enjoy my own life, but I just can't seem to get him out of my mind.

 

I just don't know how other OWs get through special occasions and holidays...

[MorningCoffee]

sc58...

 

Anniversaries , holidays, etc just arent part of an affair relationship. So dont make them one.

 

Most MM cannot keep gifts OW gives them so thats usually not done either. Of course, if you are single there is no reason at all for him not to give you gifts at these special times.

 

BUT ..because you are missing out on those things and because you nevertheless remain available to him..

He should be making you feel special in any ways especially on your BD or with a vacation.

 

The thing is, affairs are not marriages - to put the same expectations on it is unrealistic. If you spend time thinking about him with his wife and family...an affair is not for you.

 

I agree with this, yet having said that, I feel that unrealistic as it may be as an expectation, knowing it logically does nothing to lessen the pain when a single OW or OM misses out on sharing holidays with their MAP. Regardless of what they think or do not think of the MAP's celebrations, their absence on those special days just plain hurts, and getting a hurried phone call or a late night text just doesn't cut it. It is like a supercharger to the heart's desire for more of MAP.

[greengoddess]

I understand what a lot of you have written here, that it just comes with the situation of having an affair. And yes, my MM was supposed to be "rushing" his divorce to be with me, which in actuality means waiting 3 months to even file. And yes, I was supposed to be NC and enjoying my life, but that didn't work out too well. I would LOVE to stop fixating on this man and enjoy my own life, but I just can't seem to get him out of my mind.

 

I just don't know how other OWs get through special occasions and holidays...

 

look at his actions. would a man about to be divorced be celebrating his anniversary with his wife? Come on don't let this guy take you for a ride. Get your dignity back and dump him.

[20Seconds]

I understand what a lot of you have written here, that it just comes with the situation of having an affair. And yes, my MM was supposed to be "rushing" his divorce to be with me, which in actuality means waiting 3 months to even file.

 

I don;t understand. If MM is filing for divorce, why would he be going out to celebrate his anniversary?

 

Presumably his W knows and they have agreed to divorce?

[Spark1111]

look at his actions. would a man about to be divorced be celebrating his anniversary with his wife? Come on don't let this guy take you for a ride. Get your dignity back and dump him.

 

My fWS took every opportunity while away on vacation with me or the fam to text his OW and tell her how miserable he was without her...

 

To bad he forgot to tell us, because we had a wonderful time and so did he. Including anniversaries...

 

He also pulled out all the stops for extended family at the holidays...I guess he told her he had to...

 

He also told her we never to rarely had sex....

 

The text I intercepted which caused our DDAy was..."You're the one that I want! I want to reach my goals and take care of you and your son forever."

 

I told him to go get her, changed the locks, and starting moving on...

 

Psst...affair bubble broken, apparently.

 

sc, what are you doing? You are smarter than this. Move on. Trust your instincts and not your emotions here....

 

Save yourself from a world of pain and self-doubt.

[sc58]

My fWS took every opportunity while away on vacation with me or the fam to text his OW and tell her how miserable he was without her...

 

To bad he forgot to tell us, because we had a wonderful time and so did he. Including anniversaries...

 

He also pulled out all the stops for extended family at the holidays...I guess he told her he had to...

 

He also told her we never to rarely had sex....

 

The text I intercepted which caused our DDAy was..."You're the one that I want! I want to reach my goals and take care of you and your son forever."

 

I told him to go get her, changed the locks, and starting moving on...

 

Psst...affair bubble broken, apparently.

 

sc, what are you doing? You are smarter than this. Move on. Trust your instincts and not your emotions here....

 

Save yourself from a world of pain and self-doubt.

 

I was hoping that all the things he told me were true. He SAYS that they won't be celebrating their anniversary, but I have no way to tell and I should probably just stop thinking about it all together. They are going to a halloween party together and dressing up in matching outfits with their daughter...He SAYS that he has to go...He also says that he wants me, that I'm the one he wants to be with and he's going to make it happen. That he just needs time. I didn't want to push him or pressure him, but I just don't see how I'm going to handle all these holidays that are coming up...

 

I guess I should just listen to my instincts and not my emotions, but that's just so hard to do, you know?

[whichwayisup]

He is manipulating, and fooling you.

 

Do you really believe he is going to have a miserable time dressing up and going to a halloween party with his family? Being around those who know him, family, friends, neighbours? People who are in his daily life?

 

Take a step back and detach. Ask yourself if your bestfriend was in the same situation and she was telling you the same stuff that you're mentioning here, what advice would you give her? Probably the exact same stuff we've all said to you.

 

He is telling you what you want to hear, he knows how to push the buttons, to say the right thing. Not maliciously, but selfishly. He isn't going to say, "I'm really looking forward to going out with my family.." etc! He knows exactly what he's doing and why.

 

A man who is 'about' to divorce, and is miserable in the marriage doesn't act the way your MM has.