Wisteria Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 My boyfriend and I have been together a little over two years, and it's been relatively rocky the whole time. He has a lot of issues (health, job) and tends to be moody. I was the first woman he'd dated in years. Many times I thought that I should end it, and that I wasn't happy with the relationship, but I did care deeply about him. And there were many times when I was so happy and ready to do anything for him. I loved him (not sure about that now), but he never seemed sure of his emotions. Over the summer I had an argument with a member of his family, which ironically led to an IMPROVEMENT in our relationship. That person no longer wants to see either of us, and it turns out he was glad to not have to deal with that person anymore. But about a week and a half ago we had a small disagreement, which I thought was settled rather quickly. We had a good couple of days after that, then suddenly no contact. When I finally got him to talk to me, he admitted that he was avoiding me, that there was something going on regarding me that he didn't want to think about and he needed time to think. He said he wasn't sure he wanted to break up, and that there wasn't anyone else. He said he would contact me after returning from a short trip out of town. He was going out of town Monday. I assume he's back. Regardless, he hasn't called. I have not contacted him since, and in fact took his number out of my phone to diminish temptation to call him. The first couple of days I was great. I wasn't mad, and actually thought that breaking up would be the best thing for both of us. But in the last couple of days, I've been depressed, wondering exactly what went wrong, wondering if he cares at all or if we're even still together. And, of course, whether or not I should try to contact him. I know the answer on that one, but it's still eating me up. I have his laptop, so I'm sure he'll contact me at some point to get it back. So, any advice on how to get through this maddening wait? I've thought about calling him and just breaking it off altogether. The limbo is killing me, and I really wasn't happy to begin with. But I'm having a hard time letting go.
WTRanger Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 I wouldn't jump to conclusions and call it off before he has a chance to speak. However, you do need to communicate to him that making you wait for an unknown period of time is unfair and hurtful. Then, if he decides to continue to avoid you then you can go ahead and assume the worst and call this whole thing off. Sometimes, people are gutless cowards and they want you to break it off, so they pull the old "Ill avoid you until you either: A: Lose your mind and blow up at me which gives me the out to say you treat me like crap and I'll break up or B: Let you say, "It's over!" because I'm too cowardly to do it.
Author Wisteria Posted October 27, 2010 Author Posted October 27, 2010 Thanks WTRanger! His birthday is coming up, so I thought about sending him a thoughtful, not gushy, card. something like, "I hope you're well" or "thinking of you." Not sure how else I would really communicate anything without breaking NC. I will say THANK GOD that he's not on Facebook (the only person in the world, apparently!)
Capital P Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 To be honest, this guy is taking the complete piss. So if you send him a card saying you are thinking of him its just going to massage his ego even more and hell be more likely to keep the silence going. If i were you, and this is from experience. My ex did it to me. We didnt talk for ages, then i tried to get her to meet up, and she just didnt turn up And i later found out that she was bored because i was chasing So if you want him back id just leave it from here. It will take a few weeks but he will call, he will have to out of curiosity. At the mo though he knows you will make contact so he is probably out having fun Dont contact him, wait for him to contact you, THEN work out how to reel him in
WTRanger Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Unless the two of your are back on speaking terms, don't send him squat for his birthday. As I said, communicate to him one and and one time only that you do not like being kept in limbo. Then based on his response or lack of response, move on with the appropriate course of action. You've got to stand for what you feel is right, and being kept in the waiting room isn't right. Keep it simple, keep it on point, and don't let yourself ramble. Don't turn into into a list of things he's done wrong. Just tell him you thought he'd contact you after he was back. Don't give him an ultimatum either. However, you don't have confirmation he's back right? A "short" trip could be longer than what you'd expect. My guess is this whole thing may revolve around that family member.
Author Wisteria Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 Thanks for all the responses. I do appreciate them, and they're giving me a lot to think about. I'm pretty sure that this is about the short trip itself, because originally I was supposed to go, but then we couldn't seem to agree on some key aspects, so I said I didn't want to go. When we were planning it, it was Monday night only, returning on Tuesday. He could have changed the plan, but that's not likely from what I know of him. I only found out he was going when I called his mother to find out if he was OK after suddenly not hearing from him for a few days. That's when I finally just went to his house and tried to find out what was going on, and he told me he needed to think. It's also not likely that he's out on the town. This is a guy who spent the majority of his time either with me or on his couch watching TV. The one friend that he hasn't pushed away is married with a small child. When they do occasionally go out it's always an early night.
WTRanger Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Thanks for all the responses. I do appreciate them, and they're giving me a lot to think about. I'm pretty sure that this is about the short trip itself, because originally I was supposed to go, but then we couldn't seem to agree on some key aspects, so I said I didn't want to go. When we were planning it, it was Monday night only, returning on Tuesday. He could have changed the plan, but that's not likely from what I know of him. I only found out he was going when I called his mother to find out if he was OK after suddenly not hearing from him for a few days. That's when I finally just went to his house and tried to find out what was going on, and he told me he needed to think. It's also not likely that he's out on the town. This is a guy who spent the majority of his time either with me or on his couch watching TV. The one friend that he hasn't pushed away is married with a small child. When they do occasionally go out it's always an early night. I thought he was supposed to have things figured out after the trip, and now he's requesting more time to think? Unfortunately, this doesn't sound like it is shaping up to be a good ending. Most normal people don't need this much time to think, and I'm sure he already has his mind made up. He's just too scared to tell you so he's hoping you'll do it for him. You've been giving him enough time. It's time to lay the law down and get some power back.
Author Wisteria Posted November 3, 2010 Author Posted November 3, 2010 Hey all, Just an update: I called him and told him that it was time to talk. We ended up having a great talk and decided to stay together. He was finally able to talk to me and articulate some of the things that had been weighing on his mind, and he also listened to me. I think things have ended up much better than they were. Thanks all for your advice!
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