2sure Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Good Parenting...I'm no expert but I dont have to be to know that being a good parent is often times the same as being a good person. So, I would say that someone who is secretly betraying one of two of the most important people in a child's life...not a good parent. A person who knows that this secret has the potential to damage the well being of their children and what the hell - risks it anyway...nope, not a good parent. The same parents who will claim the ability to give up their own lives for their children, the clothes on their back, the food from their mouths etc etc...oh, sorry - cant give my EA/PA. Anything but that for my beloved children. Nope, not a good parent. A person who secretly undermines the most essential aspects of the family unit and is basically OK with doing...uh, NO. Not a good parent.
bentnotbroken Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Good Parenting...I'm no expert but I dont have to be to know that being a good parent is often times the same as being a good person. So, I would say that someone who is secretly betraying one of two of the most important people in a child's life...not a good parent. A person who knows that this secret has the potential to damage the well being of their children and what the hell - risks it anyway...nope, not a good parent. The same parents who will claim the ability to give up their own lives for their children, the clothes on their back, the food from their mouths etc etc...oh, sorry - cant give my EA/PA. Anything but that for my beloved children. Nope, not a good parent. A person who secretly undermines the most essential aspects of the family unit and is basically OK with doing...uh, NO. Not a good parent. I like that! Anything that undermines the family unit and that would include cheating. I am going to keep this in mind to keep me in line.
michelangelo Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 I'm sorry. I hope your daughter is ok now. In my case, my mom never missed my events. Because my events were not held on Sundays. She used to meet her MM on Sundays. She's ok. But one residual impact is that when her mom tries to advise her how to behave (college kid away at school) over the phone, my wife doesn't understand when our daughter tells her she is no person to say how anyone should behave. And my wife thinks I put her up to it. I don't, but I sure don't argue with clear thinking.
Spark1111 Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Good Parenting...I'm no expert but I dont have to be to know that being a good parent is often times the same as being a good person. So, I would say that someone who is secretly betraying one of two of the most important people in a child's life...not a good parent. A person who knows that this secret has the potential to damage the well being of their children and what the hell - risks it anyway...nope, not a good parent. The same parents who will claim the ability to give up their own lives for their children, the clothes on their back, the food from their mouths etc etc...oh, sorry - cant give my EA/PA. Anything but that for my beloved children. Nope, not a good parent. A person who secretly undermines the most essential aspects of the family unit and is basically OK with doing...uh, NO. Not a good parent. Love it! Child psychologists say:"Show me a strong, happy, confident mother and usually, I will show you a successful child." And the father's role? Probably the same today as the mother's with one caveat: Love, respect and honor the mother. Why? Read rule number one again.
Author kuma Posted October 27, 2010 Author Posted October 27, 2010 I have to admit during my A my attention was not as focused on the kids as it was pre-A. Its still makes me sick to this day. I was still a good mom just not the mom I should have been:sick: This is probably the single most reason I hate my past A or any A that involves children. So sickening:( lady, no one's perfect. You sound like a great mom now. One of my best friends' dad had an affair for years, she hates her dad, not b/c of the affair but b/c he was never there at her school functions, at home for dinner, just the little things that kids need from their parents. Sad really, that now that she's an adult he's trying to form a relationship and she won't speak to him. That's a sad story. My mom told me to be polite to her new H (xMM), I accepted it. But if she told me to respect him (because he became my new stepfather), I would have had a serious talk with her. Mr. Messy would sometimes be at the event, but texting ow. Me thinking it's business because it was on the work cell. He did leave town saying he was on business more than once missing activities. He even texted ow during family gatherings, Easter dinner, Christmas Eve party, New Year's Eve, while he was sitting with the family in church. Wow, I'm sorry. I've heard that affairs and texting can be addictive as drugs.
Silly_Girl Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Love it! Child psychologists say:"Show me a strong, happy, confident mother and usually, I will show you a successful child." And the father's role? Probably the same today as the mother's with one caveat: Love, respect and honor the mother. Why? Read rule number one again. I know 2 people (one is my counsellor, one is a friend of 17 years) who work with children from traumatised families. Both state that the kid can handle pretty much anything from parent one, if parent two is consistent, fair and emotionally available to them on an ongoing basis. That's not to minimise the impact a bad parent can have, but more that I suspect the effect of ONE GOOD PARENT can be under-estimated.
Author kuma Posted October 27, 2010 Author Posted October 27, 2010 Just because I had an EA doesn't make me a bad parent. I agree it is not a great thing for the kids, now teens, to see a relationship that is not ideal. But it is not good for them to see the anger, the constant frustration of not getting what needed done, when it needed done, the waste and abuse of the financial end and so on as projected by their mother, the BS, daily. It all happened before they were born and will continue til who knows when. mtndew, your kids probably know that you're not happy in your marriage. Have you told your wife you're not happy?
Author kuma Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 And while we're at it ... Kids don't need to be 'blended' with another family ... They're not cookie dough. Well, kids don't have the choice anyway. Actually we were ok at first, the problem was my mom's new H didn't want to socialize with my dad. I thought it was fine because my dad was dating. So he stopped coming to our family gatherings. We had to coordinate separate gatherings. How many of us grew up being admonished: "Whether what you did was right or wrong, you must always tell me the truth. If you lie to me, you will be in much worse trouble." You're right. You can't tell your children not to do what you're doing.
oxfordsocks Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Can a parent that has cancer still be a good parent--OF COURSE. Yes they may have to endure some unwell days--or time in treatment--but it does not change their ability to parent. If anything--while in my affair I was soooo happy--my children had a very happy mother--what child doesn't like a happy parent. Am i any worse an example to my children for wanting happiness and finding it than my husband is for neglecting our relationship for years and years as an example to my children--does that make him a better parent because he didn't have an affair?? I agree having an affair and "doing that" would not have been my choice in a perfect world but i really thought i was trying to be a "happier person" be going in a direction that overall I thought would make me the person I wanted and desired to be. Just like cancer you have to go through the chemo to come out a healthier person in the end. Would I "promote" having an affair--no but I will forever promote my children to do and be the happiest and content person they can be.
Author kuma Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 The same parents who will claim the ability to give up their own lives for their children, the clothes on their back, the food from their mouths etc etc...oh, sorry - cant give my EA/PA. Anything but that for my beloved children. Nope, not a good parent. Wow, that makes sense... Thank you all for your posts. Have a good night.
Silly_Girl Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Can a parent that has cancer still be a good parent--OF COURSE. Yes they may have to endure some unwell days--or time in treatment--but it does not change their ability to parent. If anything--while in my affair I was soooo happy--my children had a very happy mother--what child doesn't like a happy parent. Am i any worse an example to my children for wanting happiness and finding it than my husband is for neglecting our relationship for years and years as an example to my children--does that make him a better parent because he didn't have an affair?? I agree having an affair and "doing that" would not have been my choice in a perfect world but i really thought i was trying to be a "happier person" be going in a direction that overall I thought would make me the person I wanted and desired to be. Just like cancer you have to go through the chemo to come out a healthier person in the end. Would I "promote" having an affair--no but I will forever promote my children to do and be the happiest and content person they can be. OS, I love this post and can't disagree with any of it. But I'd like to expand on the concept... No parent ASKS for cancer. If they are physically and emotionally unavailable due to illness/treatment it can be explained/justified. I am cross with parents who shun their children or do not make themselves available. I never intended to be a working mum, but many circumstances compounded and I am a single mum working full-time. As a result I have zero social life, no hobbies of my OWN, I rarely get dolled up and go out and my romantic relationship suffers because I will not prioritise anything over being available as a parent when I'm not in the office. Except my 50 minute weekly counselling appointment. I'm lucky, my son makes me happier than anyone else in the world so I'm hardly suffering, but NO LOVE AFFAIR IN THE WORLD would make me give up this precious time. I do not say that all cheating parents neglect their kids, or that non-cheating parents are there ENOUGH for their kids (me included) but I have a problem when I read in OW that MM is opting for affair sex over quality parenting time.
bentnotbroken Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Can a parent that has cancer still be a good parent--OF COURSE. Yes they may have to endure some unwell days--or time in treatment--but it does not change their ability to parent. If anything--while in my affair I was soooo happy--my children had a very happy mother--what child doesn't like a happy parent. Am i any worse an example to my children for wanting happiness and finding it than my husband is for neglecting our relationship for years and years as an example to my children--does that make him a better parent because he didn't have an affair?? I agree having an affair and "doing that" would not have been my choice in a perfect world but i really thought i was trying to be a "happier person" be going in a direction that overall I thought would make me the person I wanted and desired to be. Just like cancer you have to go through the chemo to come out a healthier person in the end. Would I "promote" having an affair--no but I will forever promote my children to do and be the happiest and content person they can be. One problem with that, cancer isn't something that one chooses. And as a child who watched her parent suffer, fight and die from that disease I resent the comparison to you choosing to cheat. Happy or not. Screw that crap.
Idalis Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Can a parent that has cancer still be a good parent--OF COURSE. Yes they may have to endure some unwell days--or time in treatment--but it does not change their ability to parent. If anything--while in my affair I was soooo happy--my children had a very happy mother--what child doesn't like a happy parent. Am i any worse an example to my children for wanting happiness and finding it than my husband is for neglecting our relationship for years and years as an example to my children--does that make him a better parent because he didn't have an affair?? I agree having an affair and "doing that" would not have been my choice in a perfect world but i really thought i was trying to be a "happier person" be going in a direction that overall I thought would make me the person I wanted and desired to be. Just like cancer you have to go through the chemo to come out a healthier person in the end. Would I "promote" having an affair--no but I will forever promote my children to do and be the happiest and content person they can be. Wow, few things that I read online get under my skin b/c I expect to read a lot of nonsense but this post disgusts me. For you to compare an affair that you CHOOSE to have to CANCER??? You have got to be kidding me!! In case you don't know cancer is NOT a choice, like screwing someone other than your spouse IS. And to compare chemo to having sex with someone other than your spouse?? This comparison is completely repulsive. Chemo is a completely different feeling than sex just FYI. Sorry to go off topic OP, anyhow, all those things that made you that much "happier" during your affair could have been had with honesty. And precisely this behavior is what I find odd, that people need to spend time regularly lying and away from their kids just to be happy around them.
oxfordsocks Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 OS, I love this post and can't disagree with any of it. But I'd like to expand on the concept... No parent ASKS for cancer. If they are physically and emotionally unavailable due to illness/treatment it can be explained/justified. I am cross with parents who shun their children or do not make themselves available. I never intended to be a working mum, but many circumstances compounded and I am a single mum working full-time. As a result I have zero social life, no hobbies of my OWN, I rarely get dolled up and go out and my romantic relationship suffers because I will not prioritise anything over being available as a parent when I'm not in the office. Except my 50 minute weekly counselling appointment. I'm lucky, my son makes me happier than anyone else in the world so I'm hardly suffering, but NO LOVE AFFAIR IN THE WORLD would make me give up this precious time. I do not say that all cheating parents neglect their kids, or that non-cheating parents are there ENOUGH for their kids (me included) but I have a problem when I read in OW that MM is opting for affair sex over quality parenting time. Silly girl I agree , no one asks for cancer. I might be crazy but in all honesty the time i had with my MM was some of the most wonderful time I have had in the last 16 years of my life, and that does include moments I have had with my children. Yes there are awesome moments with them -but when I was with my MM I would so want my children to see "the real me" . The real happy person that existed when I was with him and wanted to share that with them. Kids are a component of my life but they will go on to have their own lives and families that I will be a part of too. I agree they missed out on me being "present " on some occasions if i was day dreaming or being on computer or away visiting. I use cancer as no one expects it in their life--I was slowly at the dying breath of my relationship with my husband --a place where i didn't expect to ever be either. I truely believed that I was carving out a future with the person i was having an affair with--investing time with them for a good return. Now if this was a weekly occurance(mine was a long distance relationship) maybe it would be different but i can only answer on my situation. i do always feel bad when I don't have the same "children are the centre of my world mentality"i had an affair--I didn't abandon them-my kids and being a parent is a part of myself as a whole person--no one part overtakes. --I am a good parent on days and a rotten one on others--a human one. No one act or decision will define me.
oxfordsocks Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 As someone who's best friend just lost her baby to cancer, who use to bathe and help terminal cancer patients with daily things, and who sat and consoled a client the day the doctor called and said the cancer has returned, it pisses me off that you would make such a comparison!! No one chooses to have cancer. You chose to have your affair. Your comparison is reprehensible. As someone who lived through seeingg her godson diagnosed and live with cancer for 5 years and take his last breath at 11 years of age and die of course i don't take it lightly--I could have picked any number of illness--mental illness, heart disease -ASL. I could have picked a workaholic--an alcoholic--a dad who works out of country 8 months of the year to support his family. There are any number of illnesses,, circumstances that we choose and don't choose that impact our families. A person can "check out"intentionally and unintentionally and do things that impact thier family and its not an intentional thing to hurt them. No matter how perfect a parent you are and no matter what you do ---you can still be a good parent--one choice does not define you. I apologize in apparently offending you with the cancer reference
bentnotbroken Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 As someone who lived through seeingg her godson diagnosed and live with cancer for 5 years and take his last breath at 11 years of age and die of course i don't take it lightly--I could have picked any number of illness--mental illness, heart disease -ASL. I could have picked a workaholic--an alcoholic--a dad who works out of country 8 months of the year to support his family. There are any number of illnesses,, circumstances that we choose and don't choose that impact our families. A person can "check out"intentionally and unintentionally and do things that impact thier family and its not an intentional thing to hurt them. No matter how perfect a parent you are and no matter what you do ---you can still be a good parent--one choice does not define you. I apologize in apparently offending you with the cancer reference One choice might not define you but constantly doing the same crap over and over again, does indeed define you.
desertIslandCactus Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Can a parent that has cancer still be a good parent--OF COURSE. Yes they may have to endure some unwell days--or time in treatment--but it does not change their ability to parent. If anything--while in my affair I was soooo happy--my children had a very happy mother--what child doesn't like a happy parent. Am i any worse an example to my children for wanting happiness and finding it than my husband is for neglecting our relationship for years and years as an example to my children--does that make him a better parent because he didn't have an affair?? I agree having an affair and "doing that" would not have been my choice in a perfect world but i really thought i was trying to be a "happier person" be going in a direction that overall I thought would make me the person I wanted and desired to be. Just like cancer you have to go through the chemo to come out a healthier person in the end. Would I "promote" having an affair--no but I will forever promote my children to do and be the happiest and content person they can be. Oxford the best you can compare an A with .. would just be sin. Your choice. No need to compare it with an uncontrollable sickness or a disease.
PhoenixRise Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 As someone who lived through seeingg her godson diagnosed and live with cancer for 5 years and take his last breath at 11 years of age and die of course i don't take it lightly--I could have picked any number of illness--mental illness, heart disease -ASL. I could have picked a workaholic--an alcoholic--a dad who works out of country 8 months of the year to support his family. There are any number of illnesses,, circumstances that we choose and don't choose that impact our families. A person can "check out"intentionally and unintentionally and do things that impact thier family and its not an intentional thing to hurt them. No matter how perfect a parent you are and no matter what you do ---you can still be a good parent--one choice does not define you. I apologize in apparently offending you with the cancer reference Is having an affair JUST one choice though? You choose on a regular basis where and how you will spend your time. Multiple choices that you make regarding what priority your children will have in your life that day. You choose every day where your attention will be focused. You choose on a regular bases to be honest about your actions and whereabouts. You are choosing whether to model for your children honesty in relationships or deception. More than just one choice. Multiple choices. My FWH has admitted that his parenting was not the best during his affair. Our child lost time with him and she lost his focus while he was "working late" Conducting an affair requires way more than one choice. The fact that the WS or AP is happy doesn't mean the children don't pay a price for that happiness.
Author kuma Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 You're right. You can't tell your children not to do what you're doing. I meant We can't tell our children.... Not about you, spark. Sorry.
oxfordsocks Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Oxford the best you can compare an A with .. would just be sin. Your choice. No need to compare it with an uncontrollable sickness or a disease. In that case:: An affair is just that--an affair--it should not be compared to being a bad parent. The two are separate.
oxfordsocks Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 One choice might not define you but constantly doing the same crap over and over again, does indeed define you. i agree--doing the same thing over and over again may define you(not my case)
bentnotbroken Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 i agree--doing the same thing over and over again may define you(not my case) Hence the difference in cheating and not.
JAGeezer Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 In that case:: An affair is just that--an affair--it should not be compared to being a bad parent. The two are separate. Actually they're not. Just as the A takes time and resources that used to go to the BS, it also takes time and resources that used to go to the WS's children. That defines the WS as a bad parent for my purposes. And that's leaving out the damage that the WS is doing to the long-term stability of their family environment. The kids should always have priority...or at least they should have priority of the WS's AP. All to often, they don't. Trying to define the poor parenting during the A as a thing apart from the A itself, can be compared to a parent driving their kids somewhere while they're drunk. If the parent has a traffic accident, shall we consider the accident and the parent's state of intoxication as a thing apart from the injuries sustained by their children in said accident? Wishful thinking and blame-shifting at its finest. JAG
Spark1111 Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I meant We can't tell our children.... Not about you, spark. Sorry. My children sensed his disconnect and my resulting loneliness way before I did. My children suspected way before I told them. No insult taken!
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 IMO, a cheating spouse can't be a good parent if he/she is betraying the mother/father of the children. But I also think that if a cheating spouse is a good parent to the children, he/she is a good parent. So my answer is yes and no. I'd like to know other people's opinions. Thanks. Easy... No cheaters are bad parents by definition.
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