kuma Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 IMO, a cheating spouse can't be a good parent if he/she is betraying the mother/father of the children. But I also think that if a cheating spouse is a good parent to the children, he/she is a good parent. So my answer is yes and no. I'd like to know other people's opinions. Thanks.
Owl Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 First off...a cheating spouse is acting as a bad parent by cheating. It sets the wrong example...teaches them lousy relationship techniques and provides a horrible role model that children WILL often follow...as we've seen here on LS. Second...while engaged in an affair, most WS's are so self-focused, self-centered, that ALL of their other relationships suffer. Marriage, friendships, parental, etc... That's my opinion, based off of what I've experienced and seen here on LS as well.
bentnotbroken Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 First off...a cheating spouse is acting as a bad parent by cheating. It sets the wrong example...teaches them lousy relationship techniques and provides a horrible role model that children WILL often follow...as we've seen here on LS. Second...while engaged in an affair, most WS's are so self-focused, self-centered, that ALL of their other relationships suffer. Marriage, friendships, parental, etc... That's my opinion, based off of what I've experienced and seen here on LS as well. Ditto and wise as usual.
michelangelo Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 My wife would miss the children's sporting events, be late to pick up kids from daycare or not even show up. Be gone on weekends, not cook dinner, etc. And lie dramatically when we would argue about what she was doing. Every "spare" moment she had she'd go screw the other guy. nevermind not spending the time with me. What about her own kids? She may be able to explain away to herself the time she stole from them, but they know better. Our daughter in her early 20s now. When the horrible truth of her mom's behavior was outed a couple of years ago she was very distressed. She told me she could never figure out why her mom was late to daycare or missed soccer games, or that her dad was more involved in the girl scouts than her mom. to find out her mom's real reasons for missing out on my daughter's life experiences? It hurt her a lot. Made her angry. I got no satisfaction about that. It hurts all the way around.
desertIslandCactus Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 I noticed with my H .. that the years of his being a loving, caring, sacrificing parent - completely changed once he was with the OW - and to the end of his life. Cheating brings with it: selfishness.
ladydesigner Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 I have to admit during my A my attention was not as focused on the kids as it was pre-A. Its still makes me sick to this day. I was still a good mom just not the mom I should have been:sick: This is probably the single most reason I hate my past A or any A that involves children. So sickening:(
Idalis Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 (edited) When I read posts on here by an OW/ OM saying that they can get over this GREAT MM they were with and I see there are kids in the marriage I get sick to my stomach. How can anyone think that a person that would sacrifice time with their kids, and a relationship with their kids to go spend time with them has even the slightest idea of what LOVE is, when what they are doing is the epitome of selfishness. One of my best friends' dad had an affair for years, she hates her dad, not b/c of the affair but b/c he was never there at her school functions, at home for dinner, just the little things that kids need from their parents. Sad really, that now that she's an adult he's trying to form a relationship and she won't speak to him. Edited October 27, 2010 by Idalis typo
bentnotbroken Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Mr. Messy would sometimes be at the event, but texting ow. Me thinking it's business because it was on the work cell. He did leave town saying he was on business more than once missing activities. He even texted ow during family gatherings, Easter dinner, Christmas Eve party, New Year's Eve, while he was sitting with the family in church. He used our youngest to cover for him meeting the OW. He would take youngest to the mall so he could conveniently met OW there. When oldest caught him and confronted, he tried the guilt trip. Great parent huh?
YellowShark Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 My EX was literally making out with her OM on our own deck while her step-son and I were sleeping inside. I would say that makes her a horrible parent, thank god I caught them red-handed first instead of her own step son! (Additionally the OM's wife was 7 months pregnant and asleep in her bed literally across the street in their own home while my EX and her husband were necking on our deck! Another bad example of a future parent.) So I agree with all the other posters so far... a cheater is so wrapped up in their own selfishness that they've dropped the ball as a "good" parent.
mtndew Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Would miss the children's sporting events, be late to pick up kids from daycare or not even show up. Be gone on weekends, not cook dinner, etc. Sounds familiar, only problem I am the MM who 3 years ago had an EA with an incredible OW. The above describes the BS in my case. I was and always will be the one who does 90% of the running, getting things done on time, getting them there on time, laundry, dishes, etc. Just because I had an EA doesn't make me a bad parent. I agree it is not a great thing for the kids, now teens, to see a relationship that is not ideal. But it is not good for them to see the anger, the constant frustration of not getting what needed done, when it needed done, the waste and abuse of the financial end and so on as projected by their mother, the BS, daily. It all happened before they were born and will continue til who knows when. Sure there are those who totally get lost in the fog and do as you all describe. But there are those of us who got caught up in something maybe we shouldn't have. But we are still good people doing good things and helping to raise good kids.
Spark1111 Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 First off...a cheating spouse is acting as a bad parent by cheating. It sets the wrong example...teaches them lousy relationship techniques and provides a horrible role model that children WILL often follow...as we've seen here on LS. Second...while engaged in an affair, most WS's are so self-focused, self-centered, that ALL of their other relationships suffer. Marriage, friendships, parental, etc... That's my opinion, based off of what I've experienced and seen here on LS as well. This is my experience as well....he MAY have been a great parent BEFORE and AFTER the affair, but during it? Only in his imagination and the stories he spun to her to make him look like a hero in her eyes. He was also extremely kind to her son, who was stuck in the middle of her post-divorce drama and acrimony. Why? To re-inforce the image he needed reflected back in her adoring eyes: My Knight In Shining Armor. The reality? He was cold, distant, somewhat resentful and more than a little cheap with all of us. He became insistent that all we wanted him for was his paycheck. (ha!) And she, concurred with every thought and opinion he ever had. Why wouldn't she? More resources for her and her son. He was very generous to them, while stingy with us. I think it will remain the part of the A that will haunt him forever.
seren Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 When my H was in the A, he pushed away me and our son, we both thought he was stressed and made excuses for his crappy behaviour and attitude. Our son knew me as an assertive woman, to see me cry (and pretend it was onions, lots of onions during a time) or for him to often take the brunt of my H's indifference was cruel and uncalled for. In fact it was H's indifference to our son that almost saw the end of our marriage. Yet on D Day our lovely son (23 at the time) went in, hugged his Dad, told him he loved him, but that he was a pr**k. When we discovered that H was trying to come to terms with PTSD from experiences in Iraq, it was our son that sat with him and told him he was loved (me too, but losing the respect of his boy was a huge concern for H). I think that during the A, he wasn't a good enough parent. But he has always been a good Dad.
bentnotbroken Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Would miss the children's sporting events, be late to pick up kids from daycare or not even show up. Be gone on weekends, not cook dinner, etc. Sounds familiar, only problem I am the MM who 3 years ago had an EA with an incredible OW. The above describes the BS in my case. I was and always will be the one who does 90% of the running, getting things done on time, getting them there on time, laundry, dishes, etc. Just because I had an EA doesn't make me a bad parent. I agree it is not a great thing for the kids, now teens, to see a relationship that is not ideal. But it is not good for them to see the anger, the constant frustration of not getting what needed done, when it needed done, the waste and abuse of the financial end and so on as projected by their mother, the BS, daily. It all happened before they were born and will continue til who knows when. Sure there are those who totally get lost in the fog and do as you all describe. But there are those of us who got caught up in something maybe we shouldn't have. But we are still good people doing good things and helping to raise good kids. The infamous BUT. The school house mentality...."they did it first"
michelangelo Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Would miss the children's sporting events, be late to pick up kids from daycare or not even show up. Be gone on weekends, not cook dinner, etc. Sounds familiar, only problem I am the MM who 3 years ago had an EA with an incredible OW. The above describes the BS in my case. I was and always will be the one who does 90% of the running, getting things done on time, getting them there on time, laundry, dishes, etc. Just because I had an EA doesn't make me a bad parent. I agree it is not a great thing for the kids, now teens, to see a relationship that is not ideal. But it is not good for them to see the anger, the constant frustration of not getting what needed done, when it needed done, the waste and abuse of the financial end and so on as projected by their mother, the BS, daily. It all happened before they were born and will continue til who knows when. Sure there are those who totally get lost in the fog and do as you all describe. But there are those of us who got caught up in something maybe we shouldn't have. But we are still good people doing good things and helping to raise good kids. You make yourself sound like a victim. Fog's pretty think on your street. Your wife may be as lousy as you say she is. However, you taking the time and resources to cheat is further depriving your children of that time and resources and especially your example of living an honorable life.
desertIslandCactus Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 And while we're at it ... Kids don't need to be 'blended' with another family ... They're not cookie dough.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 IMO, a cheating spouse can't be a good parent if he/she is betraying the mother/father of the children.. I agree. When one hurts and betrays a person their children love and adore, you are being one crappy ass parent. and also, if one is enamored in an affair, they aren't just doing it on their lunch hours, they are taking family time away from their children. So just another reason a cheater isn't being a good parent.
YellowShark Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Sure there are those who totally get lost in the fog and do as you all describe. But there are those of us who got caught up in something maybe we shouldn't have. But we are still good people doing good things and helping to raise good kids. I think there is a difference between a good parent and a responsible parent. A responsible parent does what you did, (take care of the kids.) But IMHO a "good parent" doesn't cheat, steal, lie, betray, etc. A good parent sets a benchmark of integrity for their child to emulate. I think that is reflected in the disappointment/hurt the child feels when they learn that one parent threw the other parent under a bus for a OM/OW.
Author kuma Posted October 27, 2010 Author Posted October 27, 2010 First off...a cheating spouse is acting as a bad parent by cheating. It sets the wrong example...teaches them lousy relationship techniques and provides a horrible role model that children WILL often follow...as we've seen here on LS. I agree. I believe most parents want to be a great role model for their children. They teach them that lying and hurting others are not acceptable behaviors. I remember my parents were mad at me for lying and hiding something from them.
Spark1111 Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 How many of us grew up being admonished: "Whether what you did was right or wrong, you must always tell me the truth. If you lie to me, you will be in much worse trouble." It's how trust is built and maintained in ALL relationships, IMO. So not are you lying to your family while having an affair, you are teaching them that this is an acceptable way to handle problems in a relationship. Ugh!
YellowShark Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 So not are you lying to your family while having an affair, you are teaching them that this is an acceptable way to handle problems in a relationship. Ugh! I truly believe this is what happened in my case. I found out while in couples therapy that my EX's father left her mother for another woman when she was a just a child. I feel that this event somehow taught my EX a bad lesson. Hence her proclivity to cheat in her adult relationships with little or no remorse.
Author kuma Posted October 27, 2010 Author Posted October 27, 2010 My wife would miss the children's sporting events, be late to pick up kids from daycare or not even show up. Be gone on weekends, not cook dinner, etc. And lie dramatically when we would argue about what she was doing. Every "spare" moment she had she'd go screw the other guy. nevermind not spending the time with me. What about her own kids? She may be able to explain away to herself the time she stole from them, but they know better. Our daughter in her early 20s now. When the horrible truth of her mom's behavior was outed a couple of years ago she was very distressed. She told me she could never figure out why her mom was late to daycare or missed soccer games, or that her dad was more involved in the girl scouts than her mom. to find out her mom's real reasons for missing out on my daughter's life experiences? It hurt her a lot. Made her angry. I got no satisfaction about that. It hurts all the way around. I'm sorry. I hope your daughter is ok now. In my case, my mom never missed my events. Because my events were not held on Sundays. She used to meet her MM on Sundays.
xxoo Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 I don't think you can be a good parent while acting in ways that will reasonably destroy your child's other parent.... If the cheating won't have a negative effect on the spouse (say, using prostitutes when the spouse has absolutely no interest in having or discussing sex....), I don't see that affecting quality of parenting.
mtndew Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 But IMHO a "good parent" doesn't cheat, steal, lie, betray, etc. A good parent sets a benchmark of integrity for their child to emulate.. I know a lot of folks that have never had an affair, but they cheat on their taxes, lie to their kids about a lot of stuff, I'm sorry some don't lie, they just don't tell the truth, and they betray their business partners and clients. All in plain site of their kids. They are emulating what their parents taught them. What is integrity anyway? It's doing what's right when no one is watching. Except your kids are always watching. So are they "good parents" as well? Is the mom who knows her husband is having an affair but does nothing because she likes the lifestyle he provides a good parent? Am I less of a parent because I had an EA some years back than those that lie, cheat and steal and betray in other ways?
Owl Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Am I less of a parent because I had an EA some years back than those that lie, cheat and steal and betray in other ways? No, you're not. But at the same time, you were equally reprehensible while you were doing so. And if you continued on in that behavior, and never truly changed...you were at least equally as bad a parent as those you described. Again...my viewpoint on the subject.
bentnotbroken Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 I know a lot of folks that have never had an affair, but they cheat on their taxes, lie to their kids about a lot of stuff, I'm sorry some don't lie, they just don't tell the truth, and they betray their business partners and clients. All in plain site of their kids. They are emulating what their parents taught them. What is integrity anyway? It's doing what's right when no one is watching. Except your kids are always watching. So are they "good parents" as well? Is the mom who knows her husband is having an affair but does nothing because she likes the lifestyle he provides a good parent? Am I less of a parent because I had an EA some years back than those that lie, cheat and steal and betray in other ways? I was not a good parent when I was showing my children the only way to deal with your problems is to lash out at whoever was near. When I drank more than I should have or when I tried to commit suicide. In the middle of those situations I felt that I was attending to their physical needs. I was there for everything and then some. I couldn't see what was right in front of me. I was not a good parent. The behavior of cheating can be seen, the thought process of a woman/or man who stay for whatever reasons can't be witnessed without action. So unless it is spoken, "I am staying with your cheating parent for XYZ reasons" how are the kids going to know what thoughts are rolling around in a person's head. Cheating, especially physically, has certain behaviors that are identifiable and visible.
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