The XW's of the others

[blizzard]

Not to say I am going to do this...but God is it so tempting.

Just your thoughts.

 

Would you contact xMM's/xMO'S XW and ask questions regarding him?

 

I don't know a soul that would be openly honest about "who" he really is. Hence, his friends would protect him. After Dday I never contacted his BS... but she contacted me via email a week later with a oneliner asking "How long I had been talking with her WS." I didn't respond. I left it all alone. I knew that she knew about me. She had him send a no contact message written the way she wanted it. I phoned him to get details. We said our goodbyes. I mailed a closure letter...along with something we both cherished. And that was it. I swore I would never bother him again. And I honored "their" NC request. And it's been 5 months.

 

Fast forward to now. My stbx husband swears xMM does this kind of thing with women. That he was actually seeing another woman as well as me. He disclosed how xMM and OOW knew each other...but didn't specify who she was. He said that the BS will discover her in due time.

 

Now, I don't know what to believe. It's like xMM is sociopathic...because he REALLY lied well. And the I love you's? Well, meant nothing if this is was the case but he was so damn convincing. I really thought I knew him. He claimed to be honest and sincere. He pushed trust and faith that I didn't have in him...that he was divorcing.

Yet there is a red flag. Before we went from friendship to affair xMM did tell me that he cheated on his XW 10 years ago. But he said she was doing the same. He swore he would never tread those waters again. Of course, he swore he had been faithful to his now second wife for 10yrs...until me.

 

I am just curious about what the XW has to say about all of this. Would I seem like a weirdo seeking her out for answers? My fear is that they do share a child together...and she does speak with BS but rarely. Their relationship is sort of rocky. I just want to know is this what he is ALL about? He is professional serial cheater? If so I want to warn the BS so badly...I have done enough harm though...yet I don't want it to happen to her again. I feel the need to protect her if it is the truth. Are these normal feelings?

 

Do any of you want to contact your xMM/xMW's Ex? (alot of X's isn't it?)

Edited October 27, 2010 by blizzard

[desertIslandCactus]

It seems if you didn't respond to the BS, and you and MM made promises to not contact each other .. you are pretty much isolated.

 

Maybe it will all come out in the wash at another time.. Or if there is another contact by one of them?

[BB07]

I asked a question in another thread, not the same, but concerning contacting my xmm and I've been met with resounding no's. I'm agreeing with the advice given and since you and I are in similar situations in that it's OVER, I think you are going to get the same advice and I do think it's good advice.

 

You and me are done with these men.....so future contact is of no use.

 

But.........I so get where your curiosity comes from and why you want to know because I went through a week or two when I was burning to know some info about xmm but I got over it. You will too, I promise.

[whichwayisup]

Leave it alone.. All of a sudden you want to protect her? You ignored her email when she asked you a simple question, how long you had been talking to her husband. You are in NC mode with him (and her) so what's the real motive behind contacting her...

 

Their marriage is none of your business, don't open that door. IF you choose to do so, you must be prepared to answer all HER questions about YOU and HER husband being together.

 

Why add drama into your life when you're supposed to be healing and moving on.

[blizzard]

DC- yes. isolation is the perfect term. i am sure the future will tell all. as the old saying goes...the truth always comes out.

 

BB07- thank you, i will look for the thread. i am done with him, but not over him. i am not interested in contacting him...i just want to know if he charms all the women...if cheating is a profession for him. I felt like who better to know than the ex.

 

WWISU- yes. i do want to. because he promised her that he would do what was in his power to rebuild their marriage...i say no more lies to her. she has been through enough. to be remorseful, promising her "yes we can start over", agreeing to counseling...and yet to still play a game on the side...heck yeah i would want to protect her. no, i did not respond to her oneliner. it was a volatile and confusing time for everyone.

i don't necessarily want drama. but as i stated above, i just want to know if this is what he does. out of curiousity. what makes him tick...was his life really the way he described it. or was he one of those guys that had just perfected his game.

if i found out that he was still having affairs or that there were others besides me... that he hadn't learned from the experience at all...would i tell BS?...yes, absolutely.

[Fieldsofgold]

DC- yes. isolation is the perfect term. i am sure the future will tell all. as the old saying goes...the truth always comes out.

 

BB07- thank you, i will look for the thread. i am done with him, but not over him. i am not interested in contacting him...i just want to know if he charms all the women...if cheating is a profession for him. I felt like who better to know than the ex.

 

WWISU- yes. i do want to. because he promised her that he would do what was in his power to rebuild their marriage...i say no more lies to her. she has been through enough. to be remorseful, promising her "yes we can start over", agreeing to counseling...and yet to still play a game on the side...heck yeah i would want to protect her. no, i did not respond to her oneliner. it was a volatile and confusing time for everyone.

i don't necessarily want drama. but as i stated above, i just want to know if this is what he does. out of curiousity. what makes him tick...was his life really the way he described it. or was he one of those guys that had just perfected his game.[b/]

if i found out that he was still having affairs or that there were others besides me... that he hadn't learned from the experience at all...would i tell BS?...yes, absolutely.

 

[As a preface to my post, I ran into my xbf/mm last night, (and unfortunately it wasn't with my car!), so please forgive my bitter humor.]

 

Umm, let's see, this man you're wondering about has had two affairs. He's a known repeat offender. What would knowing he had more than two affairs tell you that you don't already know? He has clearly demonstrated that no, he didn't learn anything after the first affair, and yes, this is what he is capable of. What else do you need to know?

 

About the current wife. Does she know he cheated on his first W? I'm pretty sure she does, esp. if she and W #1 still talk. And SHE could ask W #1 any questions she wants to know. You've already done your part in showing her what she's married to. Further input from you is unnecessary. She has plenty of information, and plenty of resources for more imformation.

 

Personal experience here: as long as you keep wondering, and keep trying to figure out what was the truth and what wasn't, keep trying to figure out what makes him "tick," you will stay attached to him, in a negative sort of way, and won't be able to move on emotionally. You will find that you are still using emotions and energy and your precious time thinking about him, that you could be using to enhance and improve your own life and situation. You are still hoping for that little shred of evidence that says, yes, he really loved you, yes, you/your affair was different/special. This will only keep you attached in a bad sort of way, and will keep you in inner turmoil.

 

As far as understanding what makes him "tick" - You will likely never understand what makes him tick, unless you do an up-close, in-depth study of @zzholes. But why would you want to do that? You'd just be repeating a study that has been done many, many times before, always wih the same results. @zzholes are basically all the same. Dirty, stinky, and primarily used to put out $h*t. If you get close enough to one, and stay close long enough, you will get $h*t on. What else do you need to know? If you would like to read detailed case studies, just keep reading on LS.

 

Until you can quit wondering about him, quit trying to figure him out, quit wondering if your relationship was real, you won't move on and heal. Don't give him any more free rent in your head. Give the @zz hole and the relationship a proper burial, put it to rest, and walk away with your head held high. Spend your time thinking about YOU, what you need, how to best take care of you, how to be good to yourself. When you have really and truly laid the relationship to rest, you will be angry that you wasted any time trying to figure him out, or worrying about her and their dynamics. Trust me on this.

 

And good luck.

Edited October 28, 2010 by Fieldsofgold

[blizzard]

fieldsofgold-thank you...I needed to hear that:p

 

About the current wife. Does she know he cheated on his first W? I'm pretty sure she does, esp. if she and W #1 still talk. And SHE could ask W #1 any questions she wants to know. You've already done your part in showing her what she's married to. Further input from you is unnecessary. She has plenty of information, and plenty of resources for more imformation.

 

That is a very good point. One I hadn't thought of. She could ask the exwife questions I suppose. She has to know about his first affair, but why would she want him back? She may not have even told the exwife though...since their relationship has always been rocky. Yet, xMM told me that she had told everyone. That his entire family was going crazy.

 

xMM blamed that his exwife was cheating to begin with. That their marriage was in a bad place. So he began having an affair as well. The exwife got caught by OM's wife. xMM said he decided to come clean because he thought they were "even." Instead his exwife freaked out on him and kicked he and all his clothes out onto the front lawn. She divorced him. And took everything.

 

Thanks for the great advice...and the "chin up." I refuse to break NC but I am still trying to wrap my head around this guy. Unbelievable.

 

So sorry you had to meet up with your sociopath...God how uncomfortable.

fortunately he and i don't live in the same town. I am lucky in that respect.

[Dexter Morgan]

Not to say I am going to do this...but God is it so tempting.

Just your thoughts.

 

Would you contact xMM's/xMO'S XW and ask questions regarding him?

 

 

if my xW's OM, who she is now with, called me to ask questions about my xW, I'd have to say, "this is a joke right? you having the nerve to call me with questions as if I'd like to help you?.....you got what you deserved, her....sucks to be you".....then hang up.

 

 

I am just curious about what the XW has to say about all of this. Would I seem like a weirdo seeking her out for answers?

 

yes

 

 

My fear is that they do share a child together...and she does speak with BS but rarely. Their relationship is sort of rocky. I just want to know is this what he is ALL about? He is professional serial cheater? If so I want to warn the BS so badly

 

BS? thought you said she was an XW?

 

 

...I have done enough harm though...yet I don't want it to happen to her again. I feel the need to protect her if it is the truth. Are these normal feelings?

 

why would you feel the need to protect her when before you didn't?

[pureinheart]

Not to say I am going to do this...but God is it so tempting.

Just your thoughts.

 

Would you contact xMM's/xMO'S XW and ask questions regarding him?

 

I don't know a soul that would be openly honest about "who" he really is. Hence, his friends would protect him. After Dday I never contacted his BS... but she contacted me via email a week later with a oneliner asking "How long I had been talking with her WS." I didn't respond. I left it all alone. I knew that she knew about me. She had him send a no contact message written the way she wanted it. I phoned him to get details. We said our goodbyes. I mailed a closure letter...along with something we both cherished. And that was it. I swore I would never bother him again. And I honored "their" NC request. And it's been 5 months.

 

Fast forward to now. My stbx husband swears xMM does this kind of thing with women. That he was actually seeing another woman as well as me. He disclosed how xMM and OOW knew each other...but didn't specify who she was. He said that the BS will discover her in due time.

 

Now, I don't know what to believe. It's like xMM is sociopathic...because he REALLY lied well. And the I love you's? Well, meant nothing if this is was the case but he was so damn convincing. I really thought I knew him. He claimed to be honest and sincere. He pushed trust and faith that I didn't have in him...that he was divorcing.

Yet there is a red flag. Before we went from friendship to affair xMM did tell me that he cheated on his XW 10 years ago. But he said she was doing the same. He swore he would never tread those waters again. Of course, he swore he had been faithful to his now second wife for 10yrs...until me.

 

I am just curious about what the XW has to say about all of this. Would I seem like a weirdo seeking her out for answers? My fear is that they do share a child together...and she does speak with BS but rarely. Their relationship is sort of rocky. I just want to know is this what he is ALL about? He is professional serial cheater? If so I want to warn the BS so badly...I have done enough harm though...yet I don't want it to happen to her again. I feel the need to protect her if it is the truth. Are these normal feelings?

 

Do any of you want to contact your xMM/xMW's Ex? (alot of X's isn't it?)

 

The story I'm about to tell you was not the result of an A...

 

My exH's new gf (this was years ago BTW) didn't trust him as far as she could throw him. I don't think it was anything he did in particular, she was/is a psycho f. Well, I had talked to her a few times and she called one day wanting info, I wanted to see them work because that is how I am.

 

So I talk to her, for several hours of her grilling me trying to get info about our M and why we split and I wouldn't tell her because I don't roll that way. I should have never talked to her, she twisted everything we talked about, and all I was trying to do was encourage her that they should get councelling for their problems and remain together.

 

I was wrong for agreeing to talk to her, my heart was in the right place, although most people cannot be trusted, and I know that, especially after hearing a bit of how she thinks...wow...he picked one, that's for sure!!!!!

 

I will never do that again for any reason. It is why I advise strongly against talking with the BS...it's always a no win sitch.

[Ms. Red]

If my estranged husbands MW called me to ask Q's about him I would never call her back. In fact, she did call me to try and discuss our son with her. I never returned her call.

 

If I'm reading your post correctly, you want to call the first wife (XW) and ask questions about his character based on hearsay (from your stbxh) and if you find out anything bad you want to warn the current wife?

 

Sounds like waaaay too much drama. Stay out of it. Even if she told you things about him, would you even know if she was being truthful? It's not worth it. I think it would just bring up more questions.