alwayshoping Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 (edited) Hey guys, I need to vent! This has probably been the worst week since we broke up. My friends are tired of me speaking about her so I have stopped. i feel like a bottle that is about to pop. I cant seem to sleep these days. All i do is stay up thinking about how she is. I had 3 nightmares in the past week. The first, i cut off the tip of my penis (its called the glans penis), and for some reason was very happy about it! It still worked and everything and i kept the bit i cut off in my hand as i walked around looking happy! The second, was a continuation of the 1st dream. This time i was sad that i had cut it off and wondered why would i do such a thing! I looked this up and it means i need to let SOMETHING go! The last I had last night, was my grandmother died and I awoke suddenly like I had just had a heart attack! Its crazy as i never have dreams! This week has been so hard! i have honestly never missed anything more in my life. Last night I cried, once again which is weird as I didnt cry when my GF broke up with me! I have managed 6 weeks 3 days NC and OMG its killing me. I just want to call her and talk. I want to hold her hand, and just hold her for hours without saying a word. Im really trying to be strong and not call her as the way she dumped me was horrendious. But I havent been a saint since the break-up and told her i never wanted to see her again. I miss her. I know I know. Go out, work out, meet girls etc etc etc etc I have believe me. I could have gotten with 2 really nice girls but they were not her so i didnt. I know i have to move on. But not yet. Im not ready. I still love her more than anything. I miss her like the desert misses the rain. I feel like crying alot lately and its just because I feel alone. I know people will say thats the only reason i miss her but its not! I miss her because its her. I could talk to a million people at uni etc but its not her. They dont get me like she does. Yes i could make idol chit chat with him and her but tbh i really want an honest conversation with someone without any false pretence. I love her more than a dog loves chasing its tail. I really do. I know she dumped me. She may have cheated. So i wont text her, but not because of those reasons, but because she hasnt called me. If she is happy then at least a small portion of my heart can have solice in the fact she's happy. I wish i could make all this crap go away but I cant. I really love her, period. I know Don Ho will say move on etc and stop acting like a pussy. But in all honesty im suffering here, and im doing it alone, strong and silently. So i think its okay if i miss the crap out of her. I really doubt I will find anyone better. I just wish she cared about me enough to call and tell me she still loved me. Afterall, she dumped me. I wish i could drive to her house and have kisses and snuggles. Jesus i sound like a douche. But its what I feel and I cant keep hiding my feelings for the fear it will upset people. Im upset. Im not angry or dissapointed. I truely will never love someone the way i loved her. Friends tell me thats a good thing lol. Im not too sure. I wonder how her day at work is. Is everyone treating her well? Is our cat okay? Has she found a new place to live? If theres a new guy then hes treating her with respect and affection? I know its non of my buissness but I want to protect her for as long as I live. Even if she broke up with me via a text from her ex. It was 2 1/2 yrs and you cant just throw things like that away willy nilly. I will always love her and really hope she calls. Even if I dont pick up (although i think i will) at least I will know she hasnt completley moved on and erased me from her mind. Edited October 27, 2010 by alwayshoping
bl22 Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 This whole post could have been written by me right now....minus the penis dream.
Author alwayshoping Posted October 27, 2010 Author Posted October 27, 2010 Im glad im not the only one feeling this way. I just wish things would get better one way or another. Sometimes I just think I should call her so she can tell me to go away and perhaps that will help me move on.
valpre Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Sorry you're having such a tough week. Good to vent! Time to try to stop thinking about her so much though - and pull yourself towards yourself instead. Try reading before going to sleep, just to get your mind focussed on something else. All this crap will go away with time, it always does, just hang in there.
Author alwayshoping Posted October 27, 2010 Author Posted October 27, 2010 Sorry you're having such a tough week. Good to vent! Time to try to stop thinking about her so much though - and pull yourself towards yourself instead. Try reading before going to sleep, just to get your mind focussed on something else. All this crap will go away with time, it always does, just hang in there. Thank you, Im doing so much reading with revision for uni but because she used to always be there when i revised its hard to do it and not think of her lol! catch 22! I just wish time would hurry up and let my heart let her go, because right now its kicking and screaming whilst holding onto her memory.
Author alwayshoping Posted October 27, 2010 Author Posted October 27, 2010 By the way, Has anyone ever felt they didnt want to go outside and socialise as they felt like an emotional time bomb? sometimes i feel im just going to burst our crying if someone says the wrong thing! God help me today.
bl22 Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Sometimes I'd just like to know if she misses me atall or regrets anything. She must get reminders of me from time to time and up until this month, she was always enthused with me and our relationship, that's what I dont understand.
valpre Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Thank you, Im doing so much reading with revision for uni but because she used to always be there when i revised its hard to do it and not think of her lol! catch 22! I just wish time would hurry up and let my heart let her go, because right now its kicking and screaming whilst holding onto her memory. Hehe, that is a catch 22. You could try to change your routine or environment around a bit, just to break the memory attachment. This may sound stupid, but I once changed my bedroom around, just so that things would feel different and not remind me of him so much - it helped. Melatonin is also something you could consider to help sleep.
bl22 Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 By the way, Has anyone ever felt they didnt want to go outside and socialise as they felt like an emotional time bomb? sometimes i feel im just going to burst our crying if someone says the wrong thing! God help me today. Yeah I went out with my friends a week after it happened, I couldnt concentrate on a single thing, it appeared like everyone was having fun except me and I began to get extremely emotional and had to leave. I then got home, give her a txt asking to see her the next day, and she replied with 'Id love too see you but it'd kill me seeing the pain in your eyes, I need space to figure things out myself. It's not fair on you if I carry on whilst I have feelings for someone else. Im sorry' Soul destroying it is.
Author alwayshoping Posted October 27, 2010 Author Posted October 27, 2010 Oh god I can imagine! Very similar situation to mine! I just wish a call or text would come through, or at the very least the day when I no longer check my phone very 2secs to see if she may have got back in touch! How can you go from speaking and texting someone everyday for 2 1/2 years and then somehow go nearly 7 weeks without so much as a hello. It baffles the mind. I just really hope she's happy, bcos if she's not I want to still be with her!
Author alwayshoping Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 (edited) haha i had lectures on depression today! like i really needed that! On the other hand, some hottie gave me a smile! that was nice. I just wish my ex would show up at my door hold my hand and kiss me. that would seriously make me so happy! oh well, back to another boring lecture and then home for the weekend (4day weekend haha something you look forward to when you have a gf, and something you dread when your alone!). Edited October 28, 2010 by alwayshoping
coltsfan1 Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 there are so many who understand how you feel, the first time me and my ex broke up i did go out, drink myself in to a stooper and cry.. I train and fight in small amatuer mma events in the midwest, none of my friends have EVER seen me cry. trust me it is ok at home alone, DO NOT do it in public.. your friends will understand but the next day YOU will feel like a fool. Atleast your ex is honest, mine has been lying to everyone we know. What are your hobbies, do you see friends/family when you go home for a long weekend? I was totally fine the 3 weeks my brother was on leave from Afghanistan, and she was calling all the wives finding out what we where doing. Just do your thing and try not to think about it!
Author alwayshoping Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 there are so many who understand how you feel, the first time me and my ex broke up i did go out, drink myself in to a stooper and cry.. I train and fight in small amatuer mma events in the midwest, none of my friends have EVER seen me cry. trust me it is ok at home alone, DO NOT do it in public.. your friends will understand but the next day YOU will feel like a fool. Atleast your ex is honest, mine has been lying to everyone we know. What are your hobbies, do you see friends/family when you go home for a long weekend? I was totally fine the 3 weeks my brother was on leave from Afghanistan, and she was calling all the wives finding out what we where doing. Just do your thing and try not to think about it! I would never do it in public and thankfully maybe over the worst of it. I felt alot better today. Haha I dont think my ex was honest if i hadent accidently read the text off her ex (who she maybe seeing) telling her to dump me quick then she wouldnt have done it. The reason she didnt give it another go was because she said I would never be able to trust her again. But i really think i would. My ex also lied to my friends about what happened so that she looks like the good one! she even convinced my best girlfriend that it was for the best, now they think im just silly for telling them about why she broke up with me as it never happened! Ive signed up for a marathon so ive been training with the rugby guys at my uni and going for big runs. Getting myself in shape really and trying to stay ontop of work at uni! im going home this weekend so will be nice to see the family and just have some home cooking and perhaps see some old friends. I just wish i could stop missing her. Apart from the emotional cheating she did with her ex (well he wasnt an ex, just a guy she slept with who had a gf 4 years ago and told her to f-off), or whatever she was doing with him, I know he will treat her like crap again and I just want to protect her, and i still miss her so much! Why do women always get attracted to guys who treat them like crap?
havehope Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 I'm proud of you for holding to NC!!! That is hard, and everyday is one day closer to getting over her and you should be proud of yourself! I told myself, "well if I could make it one week, then I can do another week" and kept building up time like that. Missing her will become easier when you hold NC. No one expects you to get rid of your feelings willy nilly. Don't rush it and allow yourself to feel all the emotions. I also felt like a social time bomb, and didn't want to go out because I thought I'd be the Negative Nancy of the group but looking back, I'm soo glad I went out when I didn't want to. Even though I still thought about him constantly in the beginning, it gets easier with each time you force yourself to do that. Going out and doing social things is really good - it distracts you, you spend time with people who like you and want to be around you, and you meet new people. With NC, and the marathon training, it sounds like your doing the right things. It will get better and you will be happy again
swfc_77 Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 dont go back there mate, the trust thing is easy to get over when you love some1 soo much, it took me a while to get visions and questions out of my head about the kid she got with after our first brake up. you know my story mate, im still hurting really bad but i'v got nothing left to say anymore. im just repeating myself to friends and family. a mutual friend talks to us both and she wanted to come to MY local the other night but she wouldn't because she said i would be there and i was. i was suppose to dj at a pub this weekend but im not doing it because she will be there and it will be strange and upsetting for ME....... fu..ck how she feels, i dont care anymore. you have got to let go, the dreams are bad i have them. i feel like im lost and dont know which direction to turn in life, you will prob feel the same. i also feel like i could rip some1's head off and have had a few near scraps at work because of all this anger. i was temted to take on a "6.5 builder yesterday as he made a clever remark, i think maybe just to feel a different sort of pain other than this dull ache i carry around with me. it will go pal, you dont want her to ring you.
WTRanger Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 The first step to moving on is to kill every last bit of hope you have. The hope is going to string you along for as long as you let it. Letting go of hope means that you are finally ready to accept that it is over. Much easier said than done, but you've got to start small. Start by deleting her phone number and you will start to feel much better.
Author alwayshoping Posted October 29, 2010 Author Posted October 29, 2010 Hey guys, Thanks you for all the replies. It really helps to know I'm not alone in feeling like this. I hope she thinks of me fondly as I do her. I'm tried changing my room around etc. Nothing. Swfc god I really think we are going through the same thing! It hurts and I nearly got in a fight last week with some smartass. But I accepted the person I want to be isnt a fighter. Although that ache always seems to be there, sometimes it's so strong I have to remind myself that we broke up nearly 2months ago not last night! Yet my heart hurts like it's just happened. I miss her like crazy! We had such a connection (in my head anyways). I know what you mean about just rehashing points to friends, mine are sick of it and now there is nowhere to go but try get over her. I know this is good for me as in my next relationship it will make me better but the big picture is sometime so hard to see unless you take a step back which takes alot of time! Oh well a good weekend is planned, I'm going to sell my mini and get another car as the memories of it just remind me of her. Time for new memories when I'm ready, but a huge part of me loves that car like I loved her and dont want to sell it so I can still remember her! Maybe I don't need a call nor want it. Your right. But people always seem to want the things they really don't need. Maybe she is one of those things? Hmmm going to be a good weekend to reflect on my life. Thank you everyone that replied. I loved reading your comments and it's really made my day happier x
swfc_77 Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 (edited) sell your car mate, get something nice. in fact i'll swap you for my van happy days. i have thought about getting something new, just to forget the memories we had i still have visions of us going to pick it up (its new-ish) and she was all excited as was i, i still find the odd chocolate wrapper of hers knocking about in there which reminds me of her yet again. bloody hairclips too all over my foooking house, heartbreaker. i just bin the things but im sure they climb back out. i changed my room and it does help over time, its like something has changed since you split up, like there's something happened since then. it doesn't get you over her but its not the same as when she was there. i re-decorated parts of the house she liked sad but it made me feel good. the cats ok, getting bigger and nastier, people are moving on, life goes on. i still think about her all the time but i dont want her she is a fu.ck up, a follower, a sheep. i found some condoms in my room that belonged to us, after i got a dose from her and she took half of them the cheeky tart, so i know what she will be up to. i had a word with our mutual friend last night after he told me she was asking about me and told him not to even mention my name to her, i really do not give a sh.it about her anymore. yeah i love her to death but i realise i didn't actually fookin like her as a person. the person i lovedwas not real, it was a show, it was a fake. i'v seen her true colours/colors (yanks) and they are not nice. its prob the same for you, you need to stop wanting her, and start accepting the fact she was not what you want. im not thinking about other relationship 1 bit, it wouldn't be good for me or whoever the lucky girl was. take some time for you mate i'll have a beer (or 10) for you tonight alwayshoping. keep ur chin up son Edited October 29, 2010 by swfc_77
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