Dear_me Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Please help because I don't know what I should do. My bf and I broke up last year and recently gotten back together but as happy as I am to be together again and I cannot forget about his infidelity. I never trusted him because he is very charming with the ladies, sometimes even too friendly even when I'm around. I know its not fair to judge him based on his past, but his past really bothers me because I know that he has been with more than 20 women within 8 years and 6 of those years he had a gf (so I can only assumed he cheated on her). During the summer a close and mutual friend of ours told me he had cheated on me. When I confronted him he denied it and instead got really angry for being accused (but he usually has an angry temper anyways). I assumed all guys would deny their cheating ways even upon their death bed. But it makes me soooooooooooooo angry because I've always been suspicious and in my thoughts these evidence and clues taunt me because they all point to his cheating ways, I wish he would just come clean. I know I've chosen to be with him again knowing what I know. But the 8 months that we were apart I was so hurt, angry when I found out about his cheating ways, but still missed him dearly. I tried to move on but couldn't...maybe I just needed more time? Now that we are back together again, I should accept what happened but I just cannot forget about it. But I know if I bring it up we will end up fighting and probably break up again. But how can I live each day and look at him and have those thoughts haunting me?
PegNosePete Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 It absolutely is OK to judge him on his past actions. It's the best indication for future behaviour. If he has cheated many, many times in the past then it is likely he will cheat again. Sure, people can change, but a past like that certainly makes him extremely high risk. Yes many guys (not all) will deny it until their death bed. It's the same for girl cheaters, it's not uniquely a male trait! You need to talk it through with him. If he gets defensive and starts an argument then he is not taking responsibility for his actions. His cheating must have consequences, otherwise he will have gotten away with it Scott free, and he will do it again. By letting him get away with it, you are showing him that his actions have no consequences, and giving him a free pass. By talking about it, and establishing and enforcing boundaries, you can prevent it from happening again.
Shindig Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 I agree completely with PegNosePete: the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. The fact that you can't forget about his 'mistakes' suggests that you don't trust him and that's not a good foundation for a relationship. You didn't find out from him that he was cheating, he wasn't honest with you. That he hid it from you is horrible because it implies he knew it would hurt you. He was assuming he could go on lying to you and could have you and all the other girls. He's either got to put forth some serious effort to get the trust back or it's time to find someone you can depend on. If he's not willing to put in the work (calling every night before he goes to bed, not ditching you on the weekends, etc.) he's not that into you and doesn't deserve you. When you find someone new that treats you like you deserve, you won't forget about this guy but you'll be grateful you found something better.
TheLoveAdvisor Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 20 women in 8 years? Wow! How many may have had STD?? You must set boundaries, have full access to his passwords, emails, ect... Since he has proving things in the past, then you have the right to set some rules...Problem is that you have already accepted him without doing this.... You need to sit face to face, and explain what you are feeling and what you need to do to help gain trust back, because that is the goal of a healthy realationship... He must prove certain things, at the same time you should have access to any available outlets like Internet, phone. You are not checking to see if he is lying, you are checking to see if he is being honest..If he really wants to be with you, then he will go along with your wishes until you feel you can trust him again. Trusting him again may never happen, so you must try to find a time when you either begin to trust him or move on.... I don't know about his or your morals and values, but in my opinion a person who sleeps with that many people in a short period of time doesn't truly value commitment, not to mention this man has charm value which many players in the field have... A man who seeks constant validation from women while keeping one girl in constant check, you are the one in check while he escapes to find others that don't mind a quick rump in the hay... You value sex, while he may find it a notch on his belt... Sex to most men is meaningless unless they are in love, if he is in love with you then he cannot cheat..
Sarahhhh Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 20 women in 8 years? Wow! How many may have had STD?? You must set boundaries, have full access to his passwords, emails, ect... Since he has proving things in the past, then you have the right to set some rules...Problem is that you have already accepted him without doing this.... You need to sit face to face, and explain what you are feeling and what you need to do to help gain trust back, because that is the goal of a healthy realationship... He must prove certain things, at the same time you should have access to any available outlets like Internet, phone. You are not checking to see if he is lying, you are checking to see if he is being honest..If he really wants to be with you, then he will go along with your wishes until you feel you can trust him again. Trusting him again may never happen, so you must try to find a time when you either begin to trust him or move on.... I don't know about his or your morals and values, but in my opinion a person who sleeps with that many people in a short period of time doesn't truly value commitment, not to mention this man has charm value which many players in the field have... A man who seeks constant validation from women while keeping one girl in constant check, you are the one in check while he escapes to find others that don't mind a quick rump in the hay... You value sex, while he may find it a notch on his belt... Sex to most men is meaningless unless they are in love, if he is in love with you then he cannot cheat.. Totally agree!!!!!!
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