People who think other people are interested in them for the dumbest reasons

[Eeyore79]

One of my friends put it nicely "It's not flirting; it's called having a conversation with the opposite sex".

 

I'd think flirting would be pretty obvious. Holding eye contact for longer than necessary, touching you and possibly letting a hand linger on your arm or leg, looking you up and down, subconsciously straightening clothes or flicking hair, stroking her neck or chest while talking, getting a bit closer than is polite, making cheeky flirtatious comments... to me, those things would suggest flirting.

 

Just talking and smiling, and generally being friendly, isn't flirting... although I can see how a desperate man might jump on any little bit of attention and interpret it as interest. Also if you don't have experience of women flirting with you, you probably don't know what signs to look for, so may interpret friendliness as flirting.

[Eeyore79]

chocolate at christmas? Uhh its your fault.

 

So you're suggesting that giving someone a gift at Christmas means you're flirting with them?

 

I give all my friends small token gifts at Christmas, whether they're male or female. Several of my other friends received an identical box of chocolates and didn't assume I was hitting on them. I even take a little something to work for my boss, and I give little presents to elderly neighbours. I suppose I must be flirting with all of them, eh?

[irc333]

Yeah, I've asked out friendly women before...in fact, that was one of the reasons I"ve asked them out. lol

 

But I don't say they were leading me on either.

 

 

I can't recall too many men "complaining" about this. I do however see a lot of threads where guys ask if we think someone is interested in them because they've gotten something other than disinterest or hostility.

 

Personally I make it a policy to just see friendliness in the public domain as something usually innocuous. I don't let myself get turned around by it. I often wish people were more friendly and outgoing--taking pleasantries the wrong way and responding in ways that make the initiator uncomfortable would tend to defeat the more perfect world I wish we lived in. A lot of women are either led to believe that they should not interact with guys they don't know or draw conclusions that all men will act the same way and get deluded that she is interested if she is sociable. It's too bad for all of us who just would like to be as pleasant as possible to our contemporaries and feel something similar in return. I guess there's no sign we can wear that says we're just "nice".

[Feelin Frisky]

I agree with this in such a big way, because I am a genuinely friendly person and I like to have male and female friends. And it is disappointing for me that most male friends sooner or later, will attempt to make it more. So I can understand why some women avoid being friendly to men. In my case I have decided to just be me, if some people read something more to my general friendly manner, then those people get cut off, and I continue to have friendships with people who see it for what it is, innocent friendship nothing more.

 

Actually WongFuProductions sell nice guy and nice girl t shirts. Maybe that could be the sign.

 

I had an on-line sort of fling with this really bright and funny woman on another site. One day I'm in the pool at my gym lost in thought about some flirtatious exchange with her and I beamed with a smile. This gay dude across the pool saw me and thought I was telegraphing some interest to him. This guy did double takes every time he saw me in the gym for a couple of weeks and one time walked into a free-standing cardboard advertisement for whey protein while looking at me and tripped forward in a calamitous spill with the cardboard personal trainer. It was pathetic and hysterical. I had to give him "mean eyes" to start telegraphing the opposite of interest to him.

[Crazy Magnet]

The first two posts in this thread are a total win!! Where's the like button on this forum?? lol

[PJKino]

I never had women attracted to me hell most i approach run away and act like how dare i approach their airspace so yeah any women who gives me the time of day im kinda taken back by and probably overanalyze:p

 

But in the end i realize theres no way this womens attracted to me and dont do anyhting to save embarassment and awkardness for both parties..

 

Unattratcive Men like myself and others should know there place and not overreact to some women being nice as anythign more then it is..

[Surrealist]

I'd think flirting would be pretty obvious. Holding eye contact for longer than necessary, touching you and possibly letting a hand linger on your arm or leg, looking you up and down, subconsciously straightening clothes or flicking hair, stroking her neck or chest while talking, getting a bit closer than is polite, making cheeky flirtatious comments... to me, those things would suggest flirting.

 

Just talking and smiling, and generally being friendly, isn't flirting... although I can see how a desperate man might jump on any little bit of attention and interpret it as interest. Also if you don't have experience of women flirting with you, you probably don't know what signs to look for, so may interpret friendliness as flirting.

 

Nope. Though the above points may be flirting, a lot of people (myself included) would NEVER flirt using those cues, particularly the physical ones. In fact that could be interpreted as sexual harassment, and that would not just be confined to a workplace situation. I, as I am certain many others, are much more subtle with flirtations. Sometimes it can be a fine line.

 

I would never buy chocolates or spend any decent amount of time alone at lunches or somewhere with someone I was not interested in. Polite discussion / conversation in typical situations where the occasion either arises or demands (such as having to talk to someone at work to do the job). But nothing further to leave no ambiguity.

 

Having said that though I can understand somewhat your position and OPs, because I am by nature a pretty friendly person which has led to the problems I mentioned earlier with attracting women I not only have no interest in, but they are polar opposites of who I am and my lifestyle.

 

I never heard of a man complaining about being ogled before. You must be a very attractive man.

 

In this instance I would love to be able to boast, but believe me, I can't as the women in concern here were nothing like the type I would date.

 

And yes, I honestly found it disturbing. This was one of the points I raised with my supervisor and HR at the time, that is, just because I am a guy means no less that I feel disturbed and uncomfortable by the advances on me. I would personally sense if a girl was feeling uncomfortable around me if i was doing it so i wouldn't dare continue with any flirting if I picked up on it.

 

Anyway I find this thread an interesting topic myself.

[nice-easy-day]

Alright so let's take it a step farther. Let's say your actually going out on dates with a girl and getting all the friendly responses as mentioned in the above posts? Then is it legit to assume the girl is at least considering you? Girls, do any of you go out on dinner dates or to the movies with guys you just consider friends without making it clear your only doing it to "hang out"?

[Titania22]

I had an on-line sort of fling with this really bright and funny woman on another site. One day I'm in the pool at my gym lost in thought about some flirtatious exchange with her and I beamed with a smile. This gay dude across the pool saw me and thought I was telegraphing some interest to him. This guy did double takes every time he saw me in the gym for a couple of weeks and one time walked into a free-standing cardboard advertisement for whey protein while looking at me and tripped forward in a calamitous spill with the cardboard personal trainer. It was pathetic and hysterical. I had to give him "mean eyes" to start telegraphing the opposite of interest to him.

 

That's so funny. I smile and laugh because on thoughts in my head all the time.

 

This one time I was actually praying and this guy turned his head and looked straight at me. Later he told me I was giving him a very alluring look like I wanted him to kiss me. It's all good though, because I was praying a prayer of thanks for letting me get so close to such a hot guy and staring at his bare neck at the time.

[Feelin Frisky]

That's so funny. I smile and laugh because on thoughts in my head all the time.

 

This one time I was actually praying and this guy turned his head and looked straight at me. Later he told me I was giving him a very alluring look like I wanted him to kiss me. It's all good though, because I was praying a prayer of thanks for letting me get so close to such a hot guy and staring at his bare neck at the time.

 

It used to happen a lot to me when I lived in NYC and rode the subway. I'd think of something and entertain the tought in my head not realizing that I'm beaming. Then I'd get vibes from females (mostly) who perhaps thought I was trying to glamour them. I don't think I could actually do that on purpose. It felt so natural though and probably looked more harmless to the ladies than trying to telegraph something to them on purpose. I had an instant with these two gays once too--they didn't look gay at all but I noticed them touching in ways guys wouldn't. I think they wanted a three-way with me. That would be a no.

[somedude81]

I once had a close male friend who was totally shocked when I declined to date him, because apparently I had been flirting and leading him on for months!

 

I don't think I did anything that could be seen as flirting - I didn't do anything that I wouldn't have done with a female friend. We chatted and had deep conversations, we met up for coffee and I sometimes brought cake to share, we had lunch together occasionally, I gave him some chocolates at Christmas, etc. For a while I had a bf, and I was always trying to set him up on dates with other women.

 

I'm not really sure where he got the idea that I might be interested in more than friendship.

The first thing that women need to realize, is that men don't really care about friendships with women. Men want sex.

 

When talking to a new guy, your first thought should not be, "oh he seems nice. He'd made a good friend." It should be, "He wants to sleep with me." Even if the guy doesn't make any moves, he probably still wants to sleep with you, but he's either shy or not very confident.

 

I'd say that 90% of the guys would not bother going to lunch and having deep conversations with somebody they did not want to sleep with. I can easily see why this guy thought you were into him because you gave him special attention. To you, he was just a friend. To him, you could have been a, 'almost girlfriend.'

 

I never mentioned anything about him being attractive (he wasn't), I was never cheeky or sexy, I didn't touch him in a flirtatious way or give out flirtatious body language, I didn't maintain eye contact any longer than was polite,

Since I am obviously the inspiration of this thread, I'd just like to point out to loverofloveandstuff that the girl I made my thread about did all the above. Eeyore79 recognized that those actions can be seen as flirting.

 

Now imagine a girl doing that to a guy for a couple of weeks and also doing a dance that involves a lot of contact. I dance with about 10 girls every class and she's really the only one that I thought was flirting.

 

I'm still not sure who was at fault - whether he was reading to much into my friendship, or whether I was too friendly. Where do you draw the line between friendship and flirtation anyway?

I'd say you were too friendly. You needed to establish at some point that you two were just friends.

 

The mans natural instinct is to pursue women and try to sleep with them. The woman needs to understand that and put the breaks on the situation before it becomes too complicated.

 

I don't know tbh. I think most people can naturally pick up on when others are being flirtatious or showing interest as opposed to being friendly. But obviously, there are still many who cannot.

 

I would also like an answer to this.. can anybody can clarify the difference between the two in written terms?

I believe that there are four stages.

 

1. No attention
   
2. Being nice/pleasant
   
3. Being really nice/possibly flirting
   
4. Obviously interested.
   

Stage 3 is the danger zone as it can be hard to tell if somebody is being really nice or if they may be flirting.

 

Most people are at level 2 with people they casually know. When a girl is being nicer/more interested that just about every other girl, they guy takes it as a sign.

 

If I'm standing by myself and a girl walks over to me, gives me a big smile, touches me on my arm and lets it linger, then takes my hand and pulls me somewhere; that's much more than stage 2.

[Tim The Enchanter]

The first thing that women need to realize, is that men don't really care about friendships with women. Men want sex.

 

 

Nah. Once again, you're generalising. If I just wanted sex, I'd go to nightclubs, bars or get a prostitute. I don't, that's why I put myself through the rigours of dating.

 

Sure there are plenty of men who don't care about relationships and just want sex, but there are also plenty of men like myself, who want a relationship. We know that the sex in a loving relationship is infinitely better than any drunken one night stand.

[OceanGirl]

Somedude, the difference between stage 2 and stage 3 is often perception

 

There are also girls who are very outgoing and touchy/feely with just about anyone (even other girls).

 

I was in a situation where a guy I worked with accused me of leading him on He cited examples of when I would always smile at him and look like my face lit up when I saw him. Then also how I had "that look" in my eyes that he knew meant I liked him.

 

I was never attracted to him in the slightest.

[LittleTiger]

This seems rather silly to me. Obviously these misunderstandings do happen or people wouldn't post about them but it amazes me that they do. Everybody seems to be involved in 'game playing' these days - if she does this, you do X, if she does that, you do Y. I don't get it. Whatever happened to good old, up front, communication - that way there are no misunderstandings and nobody gets hurt?

 

Most people consider me a very friendly, open person. I have both male and female friends. With either, I will go out for lunch, a meal, a drink or hiking for the day and I will give them a hug and a peck on the cheek. I make friends easily and I consider these activities to be a normal part of platonic friendship.

 

I really doubt that every one of my straight male friends wants to have sex with me but, even if they did, I've always make it clear right from the start that I'm not available ie married (when I was) and now in a very happy LTR. (Incidentally, my partners have never minded me having male friends.)

 

Not one single guy has ever been offended, annoyed or upset by my behaviour - even one or two that I know find me attractive. They know the rules - friends means friends. They respect that and they don't overstep the mark or expect more. I don't see how misunderstandings can happen if everybody is clear about their intentions.

 

If a guy, or girl, misinterprets friendliness for something more and then finds out they were wrong - what's the big deal? It's not a rejection. The person likes you but doesn't find you sexually attractive. That's life - it happens to all of us.

[loverofloveandstuff]

Since I am obviously the inspiration of this thread, I'd just like to point out to loverofloveandstuff

Don't flatter yourself. ONE of the inspirations...

[Leigh 87]

But there are different types of people. Some people can be open and friendly and do things like hug, give presents to, have meaningful and/or personal conversations, and basically be quiet close to the opposite sex. Without wanting anything more than friendship, even if they find one another to be attractive.

 

Although there are some guys, such as Somedude, who would not be able to easily have a very attractive girl be openly flirtatious towards him, without being a little annoyed at her behvior; he has been alone for a long time in that area, and so would not want people to so readily be out going with him, if they are a cute girl. it would be frustrating.

 

I apologize about my lack of spelling, I am writing on my lap, where my comp is seated, sitting in bed.

 

Personally, I would never assume anything until it was really obvious that we both felt a certain way... you know, through asking open ended questions, so you KNOW they are into you.

 

I would never assume a person is interested unless I had certain conversations witht hem and made sure they were, however, a lot of people simply are not confident with the opposite sex, and if people flirt, they do not know what is going on.

 

I would feel silly to think that all nice guys were flirting with me.. I do not think that highly of myself. I wonder if hot girls and guys thin that way ( that every one is flirting with them)?

[gypsy_nicky]

I agree with your points OP but you missed a few things. Often though, guys who are desperate and socially backwards (only a few) miss out on important social cues. Mostly body language and a girls voice tonality.

 

 

I am not going to quote particular threads, but asking why a woman wants to know about your life, chats a lot to you, smiles and makes eye contact when you guys talk... b1tches PLEASE. This is normal friendly behaviour. This does not mean the girl is flirting with you or 'leading you on.' Stop reading into things that mean nothing.

 

This becomes not so normal 'friendly behavior' if the girl pushes a lot of information from you too quickly in a short amount of time- if you two are still early acquaintances.

 

 

I smile a lot. It's part of my job to walk around smiling and making small talk with people... so yes, it has become a habit. I am not trying to lead any of you (only the lookers, haha) on. So please, stop blabbing on about how some girl shot you an ear to ear smile and you were therefore totally surprised when she declined to go on a date with you.

 

the way you smile lets a guy know if your interested. I think you know that when your interested in someone, when you smile at this someone, your meant to convey it differently than a normal smile and just the opposite when you flash a friendly smile, you know the proper social cues so as not to come off as a flirt.

 

Also a guy needs to pay attention how the girl smiles towards other people. If the smile he gets is the same as the others get then obviously there's no interest on her part.

 

Just in case you didn't realise, asking how somebody is, what they are doing on the weekend and anything of the like, is normal. This is NORMAL conversation - (this is related to a very recent thread). Automatically assuming that somebody is flirting with you because they make conversation with you is pathetic. Come on guys, use your heads; doesn't mean she wants to have your babies.

 

this also depends on how you ask them, and how much information your pressing for.

[gypsy_nicky]

But there are different types of people. Some people can be open and friendly and do things like hug, give presents to, have meaningful and/or personal conversations, and basically be quiet close to the opposite sex. Without wanting anything more than friendship, even if they find one another to be attractive.

 

Although there are some guys, such as Somedude, who would not be able to easily have a very attractive girl be openly flirtatious towards him, without being a little annoyed at her behvior; he has been alone for a long time in that area, and so would not want people to so readily be out going with him, if they are a cute girl. it would be frustrating.

 

I apologize about my lack of spelling, I am writing on my lap, where my comp is seated, sitting in bed.

 

Personally, I would never assume anything until it was really obvious that we both felt a certain way... you know, through asking open ended questions, so you KNOW they are into you.

 

I would never assume a person is interested unless I had certain conversations witht hem and made sure they were, however, a lot of people simply are not confident with the opposite sex, and if people flirt, they do not know what is going on.

 

I would feel silly to think that all nice guys were flirting with me.. I do not think that highly of myself. I wonder if hot girls and guys thin that way ( that every one is flirting with them)?

 

 

and this is why guys need to hold back on asking someone out/making advances too quickly.

[LittleTiger]

I wonder if hot girls and guys thin that way ( that every one is flirting with them)?

 

No, they don't!

 

If they do then they are obscenely arrogant.

[loverofloveandstuff]

I agree with your points OP but you missed a few things. Often though, guys who are desperate and socially backwards (only a few) miss out on important social cues. Mostly body language and a girls voice tonality.

What you said is true. It's not what you say, it's how you say it. It's not what you do, it's how you do it.

[LittleTiger]

What you said is true. It's not what you say, it's how you say it. It's not what you do, it's how you do it.

 

Yes, this is absolutely true and relates to what I said in a different thread. There is flirting with everyone and there is 'sexual flirting' - very different things.

 

Both guys and girls need to learn the difference or life can get very confusing.

[OceanGirl]

This reminds me of my dad who always thinks that women are flirting with him.

 

He would tell mum and us how some sales assistant brushed his hand while giving him change and that means that she wants him. We all go

[Eeyore79]

I would never buy chocolates or spend any decent amount of time alone at lunches or somewhere with someone I was not interested in.

 

That's a very male perspective though. Girls tend to cuddle their friends, talk to them for hours on the phone, meet them for lunch or coffee, give them little gifts like friendship bracelets, swap presents at Christmas... men tend not to do these things. So when a woman treats a man like she treats her girlfriends, the man interprets it as her being interested in him.

 

I would always tend to assume that I'm just friends with someone unless we've explicitly said otherwise, or unless we've kissed or something. If we've spent time alone together and we haven't kissed, we're just friends. Men seem to see things the opposite way: they think there's relationship potential unless it's explicitly been ruled out. From the female perspective, a relationship is ruled out by default unless stated otherwise.

[somedude81]

Nah. Once again, you're generalising. If I just wanted sex, I'd go to nightclubs, bars or get a prostitute. I don't, that's why I put myself through the rigours of dating.

 

Sure there are plenty of men who don't care about relationships and just want sex, but there are also plenty of men like myself, who want a relationship. We know that the sex in a loving relationship is infinitely better than any drunken one night stand.

I didn't say men just wanted sex. There is a huge difference between wanting sex, and wanting nothing but sex. The problem women are having with guy friends is that the girl thinks her guy friend has no interest in sex. That's just wrong.

Somedude, the difference between stage 2 and stage 3 is often perception

 

There are also girls who are very outgoing and touchy/feely with just about anyone (even other girls).

Stage 3 itself is all about perception.

 

When a girl is touchy/feely with other girls it's innocent 99% of the time. That's not an issue. When it's with guys, that's when an issue can develop.

 

Another things is people can warp their perceptions to see what they want to see. It's very easy for a guy to think that a girl who's touchy is into him.

 

I really doubt that every one of my straight male friends wants to have sex with me but, even if they did, I've always make it clear right from the start that I'm not available ie married (when I was) and now in a very happy LTR. (Incidentally, my partners have never minded me having male friends.)

You'd be surprised. Maybe not all do, but more than you think have considered it.

 

Age is also a factor. The younger the guy, the more likely he is to think about it.

 

Not one single guy has ever been offended, annoyed or upset by my behaviour - even one or two that I know find me attractive.

That's a huge sweeping statement. BTW just because the guy hasn't said or doing anything to show he was offended or annoyed, doesn't mean he wasn't. Not every guy breaks the nearest thing he can find when he's upset by a woman.

 

They know the rules - friends means friends. They respect that and they don't overstep the mark or expect more. I don't see how misunderstandings can happen if everybody is clear about their intentions.

Establising the rules upfront is very important. Misunderstandings most often happen when there are no rules.

Don't flatter yourself. ONE of the inspirations...

Way to ignore absolutely everything else I said

and this is why guys need to hold back on asking someone out/making advances too quickly.

I'm not sure about that. The people who have a hard time reading social cues tend to wait too long to ask somebody out.

 

I am constantly second guessing whether I think a girl is into me and that's why I rarely ask girls out.

Yes, this is absolutely true and relates to what I said in a different thread. There is flirting with everyone and there is 'sexual flirting' - very different things.

 

Both guys and girls need to learn the difference or life can get very confusing.

Would you care to explain the difference? And how to tell? Making a thread about it would be great.

That's a very male perspective though. Girls tend to cuddle their friends, talk to them for hours on the phone, meet them for lunch or coffee, give them little gifts like friendship bracelets, swap presents at Christmas... men tend not to do these things. So when a woman treats a man like she treats her girlfriends, the man interprets it as her being interested in him.

Bingo!

 

they think there's relationship potential unless it's explicitly been ruled out. From the female perspective, a relationship is ruled out by default unless stated otherwise.

Thus the confusion between the sexes.

[Green]

My favorite part of this thread is when the OP told Somedude that he shouldn't flatter himself and wasn't the sole inspiration for this thread... (c'mon)...(he was)

 

In other news Men arn't being rewarded for their overemotional responses to women. Seriously a guy who can control his emotions and not get upset when things don't work out with a woman will be rewarded because that guy will do splendidly with women.

 

Also I don't ask myself if a girl is interested in me, I ask myself if I like them. Because as the guy its my job to try and the girls job to worry about if she is going to accept or reject me. I don't try to pre screen accept and reject because I am not a fragile man physicaly or otherwise. (mentaly/spiritualy)