Hopeful30 Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 He's affectionate one moment, and not the next. He insists and continues to insist that we are together, emphasizes that we are a couple etc (its been about a month) but when we go dancing, he leaves me for 10 or 15 minutes, I have no idea where he goes. Sometimes he tells me, sometimes he doesn't. I am not the jealous type, so I don't hound him to ask where he went or who that girl he was talking to was (we aren't serious enough for me to give him grief for it) so I just smile and say "hey you're back!", I don't demand an explanation. (Sidenote: His exes were psychos and I don't want to fall into that category either, so I refrain from asking when I have the urge, it hasn't nearly been long enough for me to have a right to know). I feel single sometimes. Sometimes he will hold my hand and kiss me, other times he won't. I don't get it. Sometimes he is sweet (hey baby how are you!) other times he isn't (hey ya whats going on). Wtf?? It's driving me mad because I don't know whether or not to let myself fall for him. Is he playing games? Is he not sure? WHATS GOING ON?!
Surrealist Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Maybe he thinks he is in a Friends With Benefits arrangement?
Author Hopeful30 Posted October 27, 2010 Author Posted October 27, 2010 Maybe he thinks he is in a Friends With Benefits arrangement? He is well aware that I have strong feelings for him, that we are exclusive, and I am always affectionate with him, so I don't see how he would get that idea. Could it be that he thinks I don't care because I don't ask questions?
Mad Max Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 He is well aware that I have strong feelings for him, that we are exclusive, and I am always affectionate with him, so I don't see how he would get that idea. Could it be that he thinks I don't care because I don't ask questions? Even if that were the case, do you want to be involved with someone that plays these types of games?
Feelin Frisky Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Either you like who someone is or you don't. Perhaps the initial phase of excitement with him is still hanging on but you're just discovering who he really is and that you're disappointed in that real person. I don't know how you "straighten" someone out in these regards. The guys seems somewhat inconsiderate from your description and this is often because people are self-serving and don't realize that someone else is investing their lives in them. I wouldn't blame you if this is not what you'd like to hear but sooner or later you're going to have to face it. Relationships that are just off kilter almost always get worse over time. Good luck on your choices now. (BTW, how do you know all his exes were psychos? Did he tell you this? If so, consider that it's not unusual for someone lacking in relationship skills to blame everyone else for their shortfalls. I had it happen to me--my ex told me her husband just kicked her out out of a clear blue sky. I later found out why--and it wasn't out of the blue. She was impossible to love and was just poison to anyone who tried.)
callingyouuu Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Don't take this the wrong way, but for some reason I'm getting the vibe that you might be a bit...needy. Things that you have against him: Sometimes he leaves for a few minutes at parties and then comes back.Sometimes he doesn't call you "baby."Sometimes his hand is not attached to yours. I'm not sure what exactly it is you're expecting of him after a month of dating. That said, if you're unhappy, you need to be clear and communicate that to him. Otherwise, he'll just keep doing the same thing.
Sivok Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Sidenote: His exes were psychos and I don't want to fall into that category either, so I refrain from asking when I have the urge, it hasn't nearly been long enough for me to have a right to know Sounds like he doesn't handle relationship downfalls very well. Regardless of what you do, he'll find a way to deem you the next 'psycho'
daphne Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 (BTW, how do you know all his exes were psychos? Did he tell you this? If so, consider that it's not unusual for someone lacking in relationship skills to blame everyone else for their shortfalls. No truer words were ever spoken... The guy doesn't sound like relationship material to be honest.
TaurusTerp Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Don't take this the wrong way, but for some reason I'm getting the vibe that you might be a bit...needy. Things that you have against him: Sometimes he leaves for a few minutes at parties and then comes back.Sometimes he doesn't call you "baby."Sometimes his hand is not attached to yours. I'm not sure what exactly it is you're expecting of him after a month of dating. That said, if you're unhappy, you need to be clear and communicate that to him. Otherwise, he'll just keep doing the same thing. +1 Calm down, jesus. Why do you need your hand held all the time? And 10-15 minutes? Who cares? It sounds like you're going stage 5...CHILL OUT.
D-Jam Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 +1 Calm down, jesus. Why do you need your hand held all the time? And 10-15 minutes? Who cares? It sounds like you're going stage 5...CHILL OUT. Agreed Some days I'm all cuddly and affectionate, other days I'm not. Doesn't mean I don't love my GF. It just means I'm not in the mood. Every moment doesn't have to be a hallmark moment.
kiss_andmakeup Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Have you ever read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus?" Albeit being a little outdated, it does have some solid insights into the different ways that men and women act and communicate. His times of emotional withdrawal are just him "going into his cave." It's normal for guys to need time to themselves; they don't want to be attached to your hip 24/7.
Author Hopeful30 Posted October 27, 2010 Author Posted October 27, 2010 Some days I'm all cuddly and affectionate, other days I'm not. Doesn't mean I don't love my GF. It just means I'm not in the mood. Every moment doesn't have to be a hallmark moment. lol I guess the way I put it, it does sound a bit needy. I'm just so used to being showered with affection, maybe thats why I find this a bit strange. But I don't care if he leaves or says hit to other people, goodness thats not the problem. The problem is HOW he does it. Sometimes he ignores me, stands a distance from me like we don't know each other. I feel ignored sometimes, or like he doesnt care. I don't feel beautiful and I don't feel like his girlfriend. Whenever I go out and dress up, my exes would always say "you look so pretty" or "wow come here let me give you a kiss". But with this guy, nothing. Just "hey lets go". If he disappears with a girl for 10 minutes then comes back from the upstairs of the club, pardon me if I get a bit hurt. I'm just used to that if I am someones girlfriend, we show up together, and we leave together. Not we walk in like friends, and walk out as friends, or meet outside when we have said bye to everyone. You walk out together. I'm not needy, I just feel single, like he doesn't givash*t. I don't expect affection all the time, I just don't want to be ignored.
flying Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Don't take this the wrong way, but for some reason I'm getting the vibe that you might be a bit...needy. Things that you have against him: Sometimes he leaves for a few minutes at parties and then comes back.Sometimes he doesn't call you "baby."Sometimes his hand is not attached to yours. I agree; doesn't seem like he's doing anything wrong, just from what you posted. I also agree with the point that a person who describes all exes as psychos is a red flag, though.
flying Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 If he disappears with a girl for 10 minutes then comes back from the upstairs of the club, pardon me if I get a bit hurt. Ah, OK, this is a bit different. He disappears with a girl? Is it a stranger? That's a little weird. Don't get so caught up in worrying about being classified as yet another "psycho" girlfriend that you feel like you can't ask him perfectly reasonable questions.
Author Hopeful30 Posted October 27, 2010 Author Posted October 27, 2010 Don't get so caught up in worrying about being classified as yet another "psycho" girlfriend that you feel like you can't ask him perfectly reasonable questions. You're right. You're absolutely right. I guess he makes me insecure about myself, and I've never been insecure with a guy because i'm so used to being complimented or appreciated. I don't feel that with him so I feel like I need to refrain from doing certain things to stay in his "good" books. I wonder why, I've never done that before.
Author Hopeful30 Posted October 27, 2010 Author Posted October 27, 2010 I also just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has contributed Feels good to be able to get real opinions and men who can say "look you're sounding needy" rather than a bunch of girlfriends who automatically classify the guy as "hes an *******" just because I might have an issue with something lol. Thanks again guys
LondonS Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Hiya I am in a similar situation with a Guy I am dating for a month... I took a whole day off today for him and he said we,ll spend it together but only today when I met him mid day, he told me he has to leave by 3pm, meaning only 3 hours together... I feel it was so inconsiderate of him knowing that I have taken a day off for him considering that I am a busy banking professional and it is much difficult for me to take time off...
BWLoca Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 You're right. You're absolutely right. I guess he makes me insecure about myself, and I've never been insecure with a guy because i'm so used to being complimented or appreciated. I don't feel that with him so I feel like I need to refrain from doing certain things to stay in his "good" books. I wonder why, I've never done that before. So...why would you want to be with someone who makes you feel so anxious?
Author Hopeful30 Posted October 27, 2010 Author Posted October 27, 2010 So...why would you want to be with someone who makes you feel so anxious? He doesn't make me feel anxious, he just doesn't reaffirm his affections for me, and i'm not used to that. He is a wonderful guy, i'm not going to throw him away because he perhaps shows his emotions differently....if thats even the case. That's what i'm trying to figure out. Is this just how he behaves? Or has he genuinely lost interest or doesn't care?
BWLoca Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Sorry, it just always comes across as odd to me when people don't feel like they can ask their significant others things. You could ask him casually where he disappeared to... "Did you get lost?" Show HIM some affection if you're craving it...
princefox3 Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Some days I'm all cuddly and affectionate, other days I'm not. Doesn't mean I don't love my GF. It just means I'm not in the mood.
John018 Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Every moment doesn't have to be a hallmark moment. Yep, this.
mmk1 Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 I agree with D-Jam. This thread is beginning to sound a little needy and that's not very attractive, boys and girls.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 lol I guess the way I put it, it does sound a bit needy. I'm just so used to being showered with affection, maybe thats why I find this a bit strange. But I don't care if he leaves or says hit to other people, goodness thats not the problem. The problem is HOW he does it. Sometimes he ignores me, stands a distance from me like we don't know each other. I feel ignored sometimes, or like he doesnt care. I don't feel beautiful and I don't feel like his girlfriend. Whenever I go out and dress up, my exes would always say "you look so pretty" or "wow come here let me give you a kiss". But with this guy, nothing. Just "hey lets go". If he disappears with a girl for 10 minutes then comes back from the upstairs of the club, pardon me if I get a bit hurt. I'm just used to that if I am someones girlfriend, we show up together, and we leave together. Not we walk in like friends, and walk out as friends, or meet outside when we have said bye to everyone. You walk out together. I'm not needy, I just feel single, like he doesn't givash*t. I don't expect affection all the time, I just don't want to be ignored. Uh... if I were dating a woman that acted like this... I would have a really serious "Come to Jesus" discussion with her. If she didn't fix the behavior, an unceremonious dumping would ensue. Or... you could just put up with it... like an insecure doormat.
nddb Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 I also just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has contributed Feels good to be able to get real opinions and men who can say "look you're sounding needy" rather than a bunch of girlfriends who automatically classify the guy as "hes an *******" just because I might have an issue with something lol. Thanks again guys Very mature attitude. I commend you as someone who's been married for nearly 20 years to a wonderful woman. Fact is sometimes both she and I have other things on our minds, and it's quality time that we actively and consciously decide to spend emotionally and romantically that counts. At other times, we wear various hats (partners, co-parents, friends, even people who just give the other some space). There are times we don't even like to be interrupted by one another when we have a serious project at work to complete. Every guy on the internet can come across as rich, good looking, macho or sensitive Mr. Modern Man. The kind a lot of men fantasize to be in real life. The female counterpart is the tough, super-self-assured, cross-me-and-you-are-gone women. The kind a lot of women fantasize to be in real life. I don't find many of these in the real world of people dealing with real issues, with humans having failings, and with loving forgiving couples. They inhabit mostly in forums like these. Take their "advices" with grains of salt. Big grains.
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