vanessa.wk17 Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 I have been with my partner for a year now; and this is my first relationship. In this time, I admittedly put him through a lot. I didn't give him any space; I would start an argument over minor issues almost every day; if he didn't call or message when I wanted him to I would flip out. Even when he didn't say the right thing in a message I would make a scene. He was always patient though. But each day I would make life hard for him .. I was learning i guess. I found out a couple of days ago that he kissed another girl. It was at a going away dinner at work, and it hadn't last long .. 15-20 seconds. He had said that in his mind we were already over .. Around the time that he kissed her, he had tried to break up with me, but we said we'd give it another go. I know the only reason that it happened was because I pushed him too far with my behaviour and he couldn't handle it anymore. But I have learnt and we are both going to move on from it, and I know when he says that he won't happen again that I can believe him. The only thing is that I am finding it hard to get over the fact that he kissed another girl. What do you think I should do?!
Hopeful30 Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Its up to you whether or not you can live with it. If you know why he did it, and you can forgive him, and if you truly feel you can believe it won't happen again, then give it a shot. Of it hurts, and it will for a very long time, but what can you do? It is what it is.
reservoirdog1 Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 What do you think I should do?! First, ask yourself this: How likely are you -- REALLY -- to change your obsessive, controlling, borderline emotionally abusive behaviour you described? Because if you're not, then it's moot. You should end the relationship, and then commit to working on yourself so you don't wreck your next relationship. This sounds like one of those cases where his behaviour is a symptom of the broader problem in the relationship. If you want to salvage it, you need to put hard work into changing your behaviour. If you don't, I predict the lifespan of your relationship will be measurable in months.
Author vanessa.wk17 Posted October 27, 2010 Author Posted October 27, 2010 Thank you hopeful for your comments .. reservoirdog1 - what did you mean by his behaviour is a symptom of the broader problem in the relationship? As hard as it is, I can understand the way he felt and at the end of the day, I guess I am the one to blame for this ..
reservoirdog1 Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Thank you hopeful for your comments .. reservoirdog1 - what did you mean by his behaviour is a symptom of the broader problem in the relationship? As hard as it is, I can understand the way he felt and at the end of the day, I guess I am the one to blame for this .. I need to be a bit clearer. He made a decision to kiss the other girl while still in a relationship with you. It sounds as though you two were back together that point, if just barely. That makes the kissing wrong. Cheating is often not the problem in and of itself; the cheater is usually dissatisfied about something in the relationship, and cheats in order to get that satisfaction. The dissatisfaction may be reasonable, or unreasonable. But the fact remains that people who are totally fulfilled in their relationship don't generally cheat -- they have no reason to. This doesn't excuse cheating, but it does help EXPLAIN it. There's a difference. Each partner has an obligation to try to do the work necessary to build a relationship that's satisfying to both of you. By flipping out on him repeatedly over nothing and starting arguments for little reason, you weren't doing that work, or not doing it well enough. It sounds like you've recognized that. In the course of rebuilding after cheating, both partners need to go through some introspection, and consider what things about their own behaviour could have contributed to an environment in which the cheater felt a need or desire to cheat. To put it another way: the cheater is 100% responsible for the decision to cheat. But BOTH partners are responsible for the state of the relationship in which the cheating occurred. And not necessarily equally responsible. From what you wrote, he was patient through your unreasonable behaviour, until he couldn't take it anymore. You can blame yourself all you want for what happened, but if you want to have a healthy relationship with this guy, you need to ask yourself the same question I posted earlier: How likely are you really to change your obsessive, controlling, borderline emotionally abusive behaviour you described?
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Thank you hopeful for your comments .. reservoirdog1 - what did you mean by his behaviour is a symptom of the broader problem in the relationship? As hard as it is, I can understand the way he felt and at the end of the day, I guess I am the one to blame for this .. No... it's not your fault. He made his own choices. He could have dealt with your behavior in other ways. Whether you want to get past this or not is up to you. In your shoes it would make a huge difference as to how I found out about it.
Author vanessa.wk17 Posted October 31, 2010 Author Posted October 31, 2010 Hi Untouchable_Fire .. Thank you for your comment. His room mate saw it happen and told my best friend. She approached him, and he turned around and said he would tell me himself .. Two months down the track, he hadn't said anything, and she got to the point where she ended up telling me because she couldn't keep it a secret anymore. He has had a big falling out with her because he wanted to tell me himself, and he never had the opportunity to .. And I believe that .. So i dont know if that makes a difference?! Hi reservoirdog1 - Thank you! Your comments are always insightful. We had a big chat over the weekend about this situation and he kept making the point to me that in his mind we were over, and that it had gotten too much for him. I completely understand the way he is feeling, and why it happened .. Knowing that it occured whilst our relationship was volative makes it a lot easier to move past it. So that's what we are going to do! I guess at the end of the day .. a kiss is just a kiss .. and I know it didn't mean anything otherwise we wouldn't still be together. Or am I trying to convince myself?
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