lenny Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 I have been dating an amazing man for the last 2 months and things have been moving very quickly between us. Since we hooked up we have spent most of every day together and he's spending the nights almost every night. We are starting to care very much about each other. We've had a few disagreements already and they were handled quite maturely I believe on both parts so we both feel the issue is resolved and it's brought us even closer. We don't really talk though ... We talk about day to day things but he definitely won't talk about his past. I have known the guy for 20 years but not any real specific things. We're from a small town so everyone knows everyone elses business but he's lived out of town for the last 10 years. When alcohol is involved little bits come out but I don't get a full picture of things. During a fairly emotional discussion when alcohol was involved he stated that he found what he wanted with me, had no interest in playing the field anymore, and the past doesn't matter. When I do start talking about things he gets a little annoyed that I need to over analyze everything. I want some idea's on how to draw him out a little more.
luvtoto Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 That's what girlfriends are for. The emotional talk. What man is interested in emotional discussions?! He probably just doesn't see a logical need to talk about stuff that happened over the last ten years. Men are logical. Men aren't emotional beings. So, yea...it's not in his nature to talk or have a long emotional talk about his feelings. If you push it, he will get irritated. What's the point of talking about the past?! Give him one, if you really need to get him to open up.
that girl Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 What exactly do you want to know? It sounds like you already have a pretty good idea about his past. It isn't like he is a man of mystery.
luvtoto Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 What exactly do you want to know? It sounds like you already have a pretty good idea about his past. It isn't like he is a man of mystery. Exactly! If there's no point, then there's no point. Men think logically. Try not to take it as rejection, but just realize it's a man trait.
that girl Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Exactly! If there's no point, then there's no point. Men think logically. Try not to take it as rejection, but just realize it's a man trait. Ummm.... are you a man luvtoto? Either way, I find the whole idea that men are logical while women aren't offensive and sexist. So is the idea that men aren't emotional creatures. And sure, in general women tend to talk about relationships more, but it isn't true in every case.
luvtoto Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 (edited) Ummm.... are you a man luvtoto? Either way, I find the whole idea that men are logical while women aren't offensive and sexist. So is the idea that men aren't emotional creatures. And sure, in general women tend to talk about relationships more, but it isn't true in every case. Nope. Not a man. But, was tired of the frustrations men were causing me. So, I decided to research them and read about them. I made a conscious decision to understand them better. This entire forum is based on most guys doing the same things. Do a search on "why didn't he call" or why did he this...or that. There are exceptions to everything in life. But, from my experience most men will react in the same way to the same situations. Once again. I am speaking from "my own experiences". This is what *I* know and have learned about men. Yes, men are emotional creatures. Hmmm. Don't remember sayin' they weren't. They just approach emotions differently than women. Edited October 27, 2010 by luvtoto
Author lenny Posted October 27, 2010 Author Posted October 27, 2010 Actually, I suppose there's really nothing I need to know. For the most part when it's appropriate he does talk to me and I'm learning more all the time. I just get taken by surprise sometimes. This weekend for instance, we went for a visit at a friend of mine of whom the bf is an aquantance. The friend was making conversation and asking how have you been? Any kids? Did you ever get married? To which the bf responds he was with a girl for quite a while and she had a couple miscarriages and that after the miscarriages they never really got along. This was a total shock to me. I was a little hurt that he'd go and share this kind of information with a practical stranger but I had no idea about it - no idea he was with a girl for quite a while, no idea about miscarriages ... nothing!! Really, I knew he had no kids but he could have gotten married along the way and I would have been clueless. This seems to me a rather significant thing to share. But then when it comes to dating history with people we both know or he finds out I'm friends with, he has no problem sharing. If we bump into someone we both know, he'll tell me they dated for a bit like 10 years ago which is kinda good because then I'm not surprised when the old date talks to me about how they dated for a bit. To me, being in a relationship entails knowing more about that person than everyone else and them knowing more about you than everyone else - and loving each other in spite of/because of these things that make up you. Granted, we haven't been together that long and maybe I'm just jumping the gun on this; as well it could be I'm knee-jerk reacting to the shock I had this weekend. It's not like I have a need to know all the gritty details or anything but he has a high-level overview of my relationship history and I wouldn't mind having a high-level overview of his.
Vyliss Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 It's rather naive to think men don't have emotions or want to talk about emotions. Men DO have and want to share emotions with a woman, what happens is a man doesn't feel he can TRUST a woman enough to tell her if he is keeping something back. This is probably due to negative past experiences with other women. Anyway, to the OP, how are you trying to get him to open up? Do you ask direct questions? Like.. so what happens with your ex? Why did you break up? etc Or are you more vague about it? Or are you saying it like a complaint like: "Why don't you share more of your past to me?" Also the fact that he'll share more with a stranger than with you means either: You're not asking the right questions... OR he doesn't trust that you'll react positively to what he has to say. He may worry his past will share you off.
strength-abounds Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Why worry about his past? It's the past. Leave it there. If you care deeply for him, start making a future and stop worrying about the past.
Author lenny Posted November 1, 2010 Author Posted November 1, 2010 When I ask him direct questions .... after being quized as to where in the hell did that come from .... I get direct answers. It's basically not welcomed to enter into any of discussions about the past at all so I'm just not worried about it any more. We talk about what happened today, and what we want to do in the future and leave it at that. Anecdotes from the past come out here and there when a similar situation happens and it's appropriate. I think I am okay with this now.
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