chise Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 Hi, I do not think my story has nothing special but I need to share it with someone who can give advise on what is going on. I have a live in bf and he has a live in gf. None of us have children. I am thinking about break up with my bf so I do not feel guilt or remorse, I guess from my side it is more an exit affair. He does not want to leave his gf and he was clear from the beginning. He was the one pursuing me and we are having an affair lasting for several months. Both of us have deep feelings and what started as a casual sex thing turned into something more deep. We like each other very very much and attraction is extremely intense. Last time I saw him he was more caring than ever, telling me he misses me and I felt his feelings were stronger. Then something changed and he became distant. When I asked, he said he was having guilty feelings but after some thought he understood he wants to spend time with me. I am still confused, he is still distant but when he txt me he is still very caring - saying he loves me, calling me pet names .. I want to be with him but his pulling back confuses me. So I do not know if he wants to finish this or continue .. Is it normal for people having affairs having this "guilty crises" ?
Circular Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 Yes it is very common. Expect more of the same unless he takes action to leave his gf. Otherwise you'll just be caught in the same mess most of us have been caught in. It's a roller coaster and it can really through your life off track. This is basically what happened between me and my xAP, I finally decided it was time for me to end it, so I did. Typically when I saw her everything was great and typically for the next few days everything was good between us, then she'd become distant. This pattern only became increasingly more pronounced over time. It's a mixture of guilt and the fear of exiting the relationship they are in. Sometimes a sure thing for some, no matter how emotionally unfulfilling, is better than a not-so-sure-thing.
Author chise Posted October 26, 2010 Author Posted October 26, 2010 I am in love with him but I have never asked him to leave his gf. Actually I do not even think about this. Which bothers me is the roller coaster. Do not know where we stand as if I am just an spectator and he decides at his leisure. This hurts my feelings, stresses me out as I never know which behaviour is aproppiate and exposes me to rejection every time I contact him. For example, now he didn't end it. He said something - I am trying go put some distance because I feel guilty - and the opposite - I want to spend time with you. At the beginning he was the one trying to see me all the time and now he is pulling back, even if it is clear we are closer than ever.
pureinheart Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 Ok, here's the deal...neither of you are M and are in essense free from any legalities and children, which is usually the reason for not leaving the SO. I am not sure what his "driver" is, although I would run for the hills as he could very well be a committment phobic. What is it that YOU want???? That is the main question and the only thing that matters right now.
Circular Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 I am in love with him but I have never asked him to leave his gf. Actually I do not even think about this. Which bothers me is the roller coaster. Do not know where we stand as if I am just an spectator and he decides at his leisure. This hurts my feelings, stresses me out as I never know which behaviour is aproppiate and exposes me to rejection every time I contact him. For example, now he didn't end it. He said something - I am trying go put some distance because I feel guilty - and the opposite - I want to spend time with you. At the beginning he was the one trying to see me all the time and now he is pulling back, even if it is clear we are closer than ever. But if you've never asked him to leave his girlfriend for you then where is the future? Without a goal, without a picture of where and what things could be then there is no 'forward' in the relationship, only a stagnant state. Yes, and like you for me she didn't end it either, even though she was the one putting distance between us due to guilt. What you have to do is take a step back and look at the bigger picture. He lives with his GF, you haven't talked about being together or talked about him leaving her for you. Everyday he goes back to his 'sure thing' and they have their relationship. To him (not consciously) you are an option that fulfills a need he has. You very well might be feeling closer but this dynamic is the same that's driving him away.... I've been there, I've had a front row view... as you both feel closer the pressure of guilt and 'what am I doing' increases on him and then starts the distancing part, he'll be cold, emotionless and then he'll give into his feelings, the extreme closeness he experiences will start the cycle over again... and again... and again... at some point he'll either realize he has to break up with his gf, or end it with you becasue the conflicted feeling is way to distracting to his life.
Author chise Posted October 26, 2010 Author Posted October 26, 2010 It is not that easy. Maybe we are not married but I am living with my bf for eight years, I do not think bf is the right term either. And same for him. What I want is being with him BUT I am not expecting him to leave her. I am just happy with him in my life but now everything turned strange ... I just wanted what we used to have before he started to feel guilty. And I do not know what to do. I stop contacting him, at least I am not feeling like a fool.
Author chise Posted October 26, 2010 Author Posted October 26, 2010 Circular, I realize this is exactly the problem. At the beginning the attraction was extreme and he was not feeling guilty. We even went together on a trip. Last time I saw him It was completely different. I do not know how to explain. He was the one saying that he misses me, saying he wanted to see my apartment, asking about all my things and so on .. We made love, never was like that and he said many times he cares so much about me .. It was just a huge change in his behaviour. And then ... the guity thing ! Out of the blue. But on the other hand, he went on holiday with his gf and was emailing me everyday to help me with a work thing ! I just do not get it.
20Seconds Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 Yes it is very common. Expect more of the same unless he takes action to leave his gf. Otherwise you'll just be caught in the same mess most of us have been caught in. It's a roller coaster and it can really through your life off track. This is basically what happened between me and my xAP, I finally decided it was time for me to end it, so I did. Typically when I saw her everything was great and typically for the next few days everything was good between us, then she'd become distant. This pattern only became increasingly more pronounced over time. It's a mixture of guilt and the fear of exiting the relationship they are in. Sometimes a sure thing for some, no matter how emotionally unfulfilling, is better than a not-so-sure-thing. Circular you are absolutely right, and after a while it feels you are going through a mangle each time you see them. It breaks you down until you get to the point when you have to get out or go mad. The thing is Chise, I doubt he has much idea of what this is doing to you because he is so wrapped up in his own guilt and confusion. That is why you must think about what you want.
Circular Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 Circular, I realize this is exactly the problem. At the beginning the attraction was extreme and he was not feeling guilty. We even went together on a trip. Last time I saw him It was completely different. I do not know how to explain. He was the one saying that he misses me, saying he wanted to see my apartment, asking about all my things and so on .. We made love, never was like that and he said many times he cares so much about me .. It was just a huge change in his behaviour. And then ... the guity thing ! Out of the blue. But on the other hand, he went on holiday with his gf and was emailing me everyday to help me with a work thing ! I just do not get it. Yep, that's it 100% Thing is, you won't get it for awhile. It took me forever to figure it out. Like you, the behaviors I was experiencing form her were so contradictory. I finally came to the conclusion that me not being able to figure it out wasn't because of me, it was because of her. She had become so highly conflicted and was struggling back/forth with it so much that the intensity was increasing because she was feeling guilt on both sides. Guilty for knowing she had to distance herself from me, and guilty for doing what she was to her H. What she wound up doing was trying to reassure me how much she loved me, how much she missed me, how good it was for us to be together. Then she'd turn around and act distant, this was the guilt of knowing she was in a M and had two children to think of and look out for. So basically her reassuring me intensified the feelings and made the opposite guilt even stronger.... kinda like loosening a tooth before it finally pops out. Matter of fact, one of the most intensely passionate moments between us happened after she'd been distant for 3 weeks and we hadn't seen each other. It was incredible, but then again... *poof* it changed again a few weeks later. What you'll eventually realize is he is struggling with this big time. He's doing the only thing he knows (albeit cowardly) to break free from what's tormenting him. That is to continue distancing himself from you, he'll stop saying he misses you, stop saying he loves you, he will then stop sharing things with you. And, then he'll bounce back again... then it'll start over again... it's a viscous cycle driven mostly because he doesn't have a good emotional reason to break up with you... I'm sure he has plenty of logical reasons, we all do.
Author chise Posted October 26, 2010 Author Posted October 26, 2010 Thank you very much. I start to make sense of all this ! Sometimes I think he was using me but I do not think so, I think he is struggling. I have never been a demanding person. Always laid back, joyful and positive. I have never being a problem for him. When I saw him I laugh because I am happy and he knows this is me. I did nothing wrong, I didn't change, I don't pursue him ... so yes, I guess it is him trying to deal with this. Anyway I do not want this take away all my happiness so last week I sent him an email explain how I feel because of him behaviour. He never replied. He texted me during the week, always being sweet and caring but never mentioned the email. So finally I asked why he never replied ... Still waiting ! But at least now I know I cannot contact him without making a fool of myself.
bentnotbroken Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 Thank you very much. I start to make sense of all this ! Sometimes I think he was using me but I do not think so, I think he is struggling. I have never been a demanding person. Always laid back, joyful and positive. I have never being a problem for him. When I saw him I laugh because I am happy and he knows this is me. I did nothing wrong, I didn't change, I don't pursue him ... so yes, I guess it is him trying to deal with this. Anyway I do not want this take away all my happiness so last week I sent him an email explain how I feel because of him behaviour. He never replied. He texted me during the week, always being sweet and caring but never mentioned the email. So finally I asked why he never replied ... Still waiting ! But at least now I know I cannot contact him without making a fool of myself. If you are having secret sex with him, you are using each other.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 Hi, I do not think my story has nothing special but I need to share it with someone who can give advise on what is going on. I have a live in bf and he has a live in gf. None of us have children. I am thinking about break up with my bf so I do not feel guilt or remorse, I guess from my side it is more an exit affair. He does not want to leave his gf and he was clear from the beginning. doesn't matter what your affair partner will do....you still should break up with your bf because he deserves someone that doesn't cheat.(assuming he himself isn't a cheater) He was the one pursuing me and that is relevant how? and we are having an affair lasting for several months. Both of us have deep feelings and what started as a casual sex thing turned into something more deep. We like each other very very much and attraction is extremely intense. again, you need to set your bf free from you. do the decent thing, move out, set him free. Last time I saw him he was more caring than ever, telling me he misses me and I felt his feelings were stronger. Then something changed and he became distant. When I asked, he said he was having guilty feelings but after some thought he understood he wants to spend time with me. I am still confused, he is still distant but when he txt me he is still very caring - saying he loves me, calling me pet names .. I want to be with him but his pulling back confuses me. So I do not know if he wants to finish this or continue .. Is it normal for people having affairs having this "guilty crises" ? doesn't matter, you don't mention anything about your bf in this post other than you live with him...so its obvious how insignificant he is to you and you are probably using him because you don't want the hassle of moving out. break up with your bf first, move out, then you can sort out all these feelings. your confusion and lack of knowing what is in your other man's mind should not be your bf's problem. set him free....move out.....then figure out the other man.
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