Lookingforjoy Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 New to LS but been reading for ca. 10 mos and think you all are just great. My Story: Married 17 years , been with her for 19 . She had a 4 year old boy fm her previous marriage who'm I raised and love like my own (he is now 22). We had 1 child together who'm we love to bits (15 years & mature for his age). Outside : On outside perfect successful couple - she still attractive, me as well but both now 49 . We are now independant financially or almost there.House is owned - no mortgage... Inside : I have been unhappy in our relationship since almost 15 years. From the beginning I cheated on my fiance - then my wife usually with prostitutes. When I met and married my wife - I was an active alcoholic with sex addiction problems. I joined AA 15 years ago and now (since 2 years) am a recovering sex addict. My wife does not accept or want this part of me and never did/or will. She is in general a very principled but cold person with a rigid code of conduct. I am certain that my betrayal of her will never be forgiven in her heart .We are not alike, though when I was an active alcoholic I needed someone to organize my life etc... 2 years into our marriage (15 years ago) ; I lost an important job & I realized I am an alcoholic, joined AA and stopped drinking and am proud to say that i am still abstinent today but , as always recovering alcoholic. At the time of this great (for me!) revelation , I went to my wife for emotional support and she said "I am ashamed of you"....I felt more put-down than ever in my life... .. Still I stuck with it.. 6 mos later our darling boy was born and I fell in love with him. During the delivery my wife turned to me and said " I hate you for ****ing doing this to me - do you understand ?"in front of the doctors/nurses etc... I can never forget moments like these in our marriage and there have been many ..... Still I resolved that (as a new AA member ) I would not make any changes for at least 1 year abnd started to rebuild my life. For personal reasons it is not in me to abandon my son. I rebuilt my career - sober from alcohol but not from a need for sex and emotional support. I became successful but the marriage got progressively worse. My new job required us to move to another city by the seaside which I dearly love.My wife however could not bear the change and after 4 years and 2 years of incessant arguments and threats to leave- I told her she must back to the capital city from which we had come.More , I insisted she go because I did not want to spend another year in such unhappiness... If all she needed was a change of scenery top find herself (go back to work etc...) then I would commute and somehow force my company to open an office in the capital city( which i eventually did) After 6 mos of commuting and not being close to my young son - I went to see a psychologist to get therapy for my loneliness and understand my feelings. After 3 sessions with this woman, I developed a rapport which became friendship and I stopped seeing her as a patient. After 6 mos of friendship, I fell in love with her (she lives by the sea and my wife in the capital city abt 5 hrs away by car). Still something kept me in my marriage and I got my company to open an office in the capital and built a house with my wife (now 6 years ago..) Meanwhile , I kept seeing this other woman . usually only once every 3-4 months but she was always in my thoughts and on my mind.I stopped seeing any prostituates/other women. Every time she saw me , she welcomed me as the friend I know her to be.... My wife became pregnant 1 year later and I could not go through with it... I was too stressed and tired and made a fatal decision to force my wife to have an abortion. It is a decision which I regret every day. At the time, I thought it would be better to have an abortion an keep our marriage together for the other kids rather than have the child and then divorce as I felt unable to emotionally share the burden of raising another child with this woman- my wife.Seeing things in such a black and white fashion is simply stupid- nonetheless I fell prey to these short-term emotions. The OW did not know anything about this, I probably had not seen her for even 5 mos at that time as there were big gaps in our relationship (i felt incredibly guilt about needing to see her).I am very sorry for what I obliged my wife to do- it was wrong. Desperation does not help in making a decision. 2 years later (abt 5 years ago now) I started seeing another therapist (a man) who'm I have seen every week for the last 5 years until we finished our therapy about 5 weeks ago. Now I am writing to you. About 3 years ago , the inevitable happened and my friend got pregnant by me. The tempo of our seeing each other had been increasing to meetings every 2-3 weeks for 2-3 day periods and I simply was in love. When she announced this pregancy to me I was confused. I panicked. I did not support her and leave my wife immediately. Rather I went to my wife and broke down and told her everything and asked for her forgiveness.Everything had to come out.... I felt that I had wronged her completely (my wife) and something was entirely wrong for me to go ahead and just leave because of another woman. So I met my friend and told her I could not stay with her. I would support the child but I would not leave my wife to marry her. She said she would not raise another child as a one-person parent and decided to have an abortion.I will never forget her sadness. This broke her heart and then mine. I was/am the ruin of everyone's lives... I went back to my now bitter wife and for the next year I suffered being attacked in public by her rages and silent anger and resentment for all that i am and all that I made her do... . She said this is payback... Today she still talks with me with anger and contempt , putting down my feelings for the OW at every chance , then behaving as if all is normal except for me.. For my part , I cannot tell her that i love her... Through it all , I continued with my therapist and can say that after examining my childhood (neglect etc...) I have forgiven myself. I am a new person. I no longer act out my sex addictions and keep my interest focused on work and the family back in the capital city. I attended a sex addiction clinic in USA and dragged my wife to couples therapy which ulitmately proved not very useful.My wife's inability to open up continually lead us to dead ends... I am now stuck in a loveless marriage and dream about leaving my wife for the OW every day (as I have done every day for the last 7 years). At the same time , I love my family and don't want to lose the relationship with my sons.... In the last 2 mos I have finally told each of my sons about what has happened in our marriage/family and asked for their forgiveness. It had to be done. I told them I do not know what will happen next. So I am clean now but still messed up... My therapist and I have separated now about 2 mos agos because we both felt that I had unravelled well the past and the present was something that we felt I could probably deal with alone . In any case the therapy was tending to go in circles and cover old ground.. My wife does not want to go to couples therapy.She is continually jealous and suspects me of cheating on her at all times- so I have to prove who'm I am seeing and what i am spending money on etc...now since about 2 years. When I came clean to her 3 years ago- I told her everything about my past and my double-life...as it was the only way to make a new start with her... Meanwhile I think daily about the OW , who'm I still love.I cannot go back to her (yes I know it is presumptuous that she would take me back after now 3 years) or go on with my life until I find some happiness or resolution in my marriage. I cannot make a happiness out of an unhappiness.It must be clear conscious decision So I turn to you for advice. I feel fraudulent in my marriage and yet fear the breakup. Now I am on my feet , and I can not go back into the old role with my wife from 15 years ago.. I am tired. Where to go now....? Thanks for any thoughts on my problem
GorillaTheater Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 Wow. I'm amazed at the amount of destruction you've wrought not only in your own life but in the lives of so many others. I don't know that I'm up to the challenge of addressing this utter clusterf*ck of a situation, but here's my take: You have one hell of a tangled up Gordian Knot. So tangled up that it's impossible to sort it out and leaving you with few other options than to just cut it. Divorce your wife. Stay away from the other woman. For that matter, stay away from relationships with any other woman for some time to come. Continue with your recovery and counseling. I wish you luck. If you're a believer in Karma, I'd keep my head low.
SarahRose Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 Get a divorce so you poor wife might have a chance at happiness. I can't believe you actually told your kids about all your bs. You are supposed to be a parent, not a buddy. Keep your dirty laundry to yourself. Of course your wife is angry and doesn't want to go to counseling. Why would she want to go when you keep doing the same crap to her over and over? You're really lucky she didn't snip it off by now.
InternationalPlayboy Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 Quite simply, you are ****ed. Sorry.
Spark1111 Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 Looking for joy....you are addicted to drama my friend. Therapy, recovering, couple's therapy.....unh uh....it didn't work. You have not learned much, though you may be sober and PERHAPS no longer a SA... But you still love and are addicted to ROMANTIC drama. And you have replaced one addiction with another, not OVERCOME addiction. Now, instead of losing jobs and leaving a trail of bottles and escort phone numbers, you leave a trail of broken hearts everywhere you go. Mostly your wife's, whose coldness and frigidity and condemnation may come from a lifetime of NOT BEING ABLE TO TRUST YOU TO BE A STABILE, SOLID family guy. No wonder she did not want to leave her home in the city. She probably felt safe there with her friends, because in her entire married life to YOU, SHE could NEVER TRUST YOU OR FEEL SAFE WITH YOU: to hold a job, stay in one place, not have romantic affairs or raise another baby YOU TALKED HER INTO ABORTING! What man and father does that? Creates a wake of chaos and STILL blames his wife? Divorce her. Set her free to at least have a stabile life without all your ensuing drama. ANd you find the next woman, and the next to one, and the next to make you happy. Sheesh! I'm amazed she is still there. Probably has a bit of the victim's mentality after living with you all these years. Lacks confidence. You made her that way. Set her free, and your son who witnesses that everyday while you embark on your next affair or baby-making.
strength-abounds Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Wow. I'm amazed at the amount of destruction you've wrought not only in your own life but in the lives of so many others. I don't know that I'm up to the challenge of addressing this utter clusterf*ck of a situation, but here's my take: You have one hell of a tangled up Gordian Knot. So tangled up that it's impossible to sort it out and leaving you with few other options than to just cut it. Divorce your wife. Stay away from the other woman. For that matter, stay away from relationships with any other woman for some time to come. Continue with your recovery and counseling. I wish you luck. If you're a believer in Karma, I'd keep my head low. Gorilla, you have a unique and very truthful way of expressing yourself. Nothing better than brutal honesty.
desertIslandCactus Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 I think it is good that you confessed to your wife and your children. If you really think there is no hope of happiness in your marriage - then divorce. But Do Not take on another woman until you are Divorced! And most of all: Please, no more dead babies.
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