I Did Something This Morning - A Vent...

[desertIslandCactus]

Regardless if he is sniffing around her, or if she is reciprocating, or with his response of: it isn't what you think .. His lack of cherish and affection toward his Wife, is very telling..

[ilovelife75]

amazing Star. Way to go! You are so strong and I know you will be just fine.

[Star727]

His lack of cherish and affection toward his Wife, is very telling..

 

Thats another thing I told him. I said "you don't respect me at all. Its a shame that after 24 years, I can mean that little to you".

 

Of course, he didnt say anything, just kept watching tv.

 

Makes me feel that he's been "tolerating" me all these years so that he can have a good decent lifestyle.

 

1) he didnt have a very good job when we got together. I got him hired where I work;

 

2) he had bad credit so I'm the one who got the house;

 

3) I make more money than he does so I've been paying the majority of the bills and his paychecks "supplement".

 

4) I have the credit cards so when his car breaks down, guess who gives up the credit card? Me

 

5) The friends we have are because of me. If they had to choose between us, they'd choose me.

 

6) he has some physical problems resulting from his prostate cancer surgery. things that came up over the last couple of years that he is ashamed of - but as his wife - it didnt bother me. Now OW will have to live with it. Ha! Ha!

 

7) he is not in a financial position to get his own place. He can just "put something on it" for whoever he might be living with. As his wife, I just took half his paycheck and added it to mine and paid the bills.

[desertIslandCactus]

Thats another thing I told him. I said "you don't respect me at all. Its a shame that after 24 years, I can mean that little to you".

 

Of course, he didnt say anything, just kept watching tv.

 

Makes me feel that he's been "tolerating" me all these years so that he can have a good decent lifestyle.

 

1) he didnt have a very good job when we got together. I got him hired where I work;

 

2) he had bad credit so I'm the one who got the house;

 

3) I make more money than he does so I've been paying the majority of the bills and his paychecks "supplement".

 

4) I have the credit cards so when his car breaks down, guess who gives up the credit card? Me

 

5) The friends we have are because of me. If they had to choose between us, they'd choose me.

 

6) he has some physical problems resulting from his prostate cancer surgery. things that came up over the last couple of years that he is ashamed of - but as his wife - it didnt bother me. Now OW will have to live with it. Ha! Ha!

 

7) he is not in a financial position to get his own place. He can just "put something on it" for whoever he might be living with. As his wife, I just took half his paycheck and added it to mine and paid the bills.

 

This has been a very Dependent man .. who had his audacity to be cheating .. But then I think to myself, you see it with the entertainment industry often .. The woman is taking care of him .. still not enough..

 

Considering the possible affect of the prostrate surgery, it is beyond belief that this cat would be wondering, when he probably can't even handle his Wife.

[Star727]

Considering the possible affect of the prostrate surgery, it is beyond belief that this cat would be wondering, when he probably can't even handle his Wife.

 

The subject of sex is what really pisses me off the most!!!! Here I am, a 54 year old healthy sexual woman who has not had sex in months. Has not been kissed passionately in 2 years. And I'm suppose to sit back and let my husband have fun with another woman and not be mad about it. He's got to be crazy.

 

He keeps raising the "impotency flag" at me as his excuse to "I'm not having an affair. I can't do anything with anyone anyway." But, he has a prescription for Cialis and he has been taking them. He told me months ago that his sex life is over and he's okay with that. I think it was an excuse to not have sex with me. He's not the 'big stud' he was 20 years ago. He has ED and I know he couldnt satisfy two women in his situation so I think he chose to satisfy OW.

 

The thought of that alone has deadened my heart. I look at him now and feel absolutely nothing. No sadness, longing, nothing. I keep in my mind that he has used me for 24 years. Used me for a place to live, used me as an alternative money source, used me as a cosigner for his Lincoln, used me to put himself in a position to get respect from people when he was ignored before.

 

I kind of feel stupid now. We got married because I got pregnant. Now I wished I had just had the baby and let him go his own way. I've done the majority of the parenting anyway. The bad thing about all this - I do not have positve things to say about marriage to my daughter. When she gets to the point that she's ready to marry or have a serious relationship, I am praying she doesnt come to me for advise.

 

My father gave me some advise as I was entering adulthood and I took heed until I got together with my WH and now I wished I had listened to my Dad. He said "never put all your trust and faith in a man because he is only human and he will let you down".

 

I didnt listen to my Dad.

[desertIslandCactus]

It's not your fault. You did the right thing in loving, honoring, obeying your H.

 

It appears you just got a dud .. At 54 you are still young enough to turn things around.

 

If he is still verile enough to have sex with another woman, he should be dumped.

[BB07]

Star, you seem to be a very smart strong woman, you are going to be alright and you'll be better for losing your excess baggage. I wish you well....

 

OH DIC.......ya know I like you, but surely you misspoke with that obeying your husband thing??????

 

Sorry for the TJ...

[desertIslandCactus]

....

 

surely you misspoke with that obeying your husband thing??????

 

Sorry for the TJ...

 

 

I thought it was in the Marriage Vows .. Love, Honor Obey? for the woman to say .... Love, Cherish for the man to say

 

If Obey offends thee - replace it with cherish ... (whatdo I care)

[YellowShark]

He keeps raising the "impotency flag" at me as his excuse to "I'm not having an affair. I can't do anything with anyone anyway."

 

Well his "impotency" issue didn't seem to stop him from buying TWO secret pre-paid cell phones and racking up 800+ minutes calling the OW! If it wasn't a PA, it definitely was an long-term EA.

[jthorne]

Well, I don't think Star should feel bad about the two years. Obviously, she needed those two years to prepare herself, so those weren't a waste.

 

And she can't say she didn't try to save her marriage.

 

It's definitely not her fault that H chose not to try, and chose to be a jackwagon instead. she gave it her best shot, and I think that's so admirable.

[desertIslandCactus]

Well, I don't think Star should feel bad about the two years. Obviously, she needed those two years to prepare herself, so those weren't a waste.

 

And she can't say she didn't try to save her marriage.

 

It's definitely not her fault that H chose not to try, and chose to be a jackwagon instead. she gave it her best shot, and I think that's so admirable.

 

 

That's true Star. Two years ago you wouldn't have known for sure, now you do. To declare your own life.

[2sure]

Star

 

My marriage was not as long as yours. My H cheated on me repeatedly for no good reason. My divorce became final 2 months ago.

 

I still hurt because I loved him and because I feel stupid, etc. But you know what else? I feel whole again. I feel like ME again.

 

You'll be amazed.

[Fieldsofgold]

I do have one concern - finances.

 

Please talk to an attorney ASAP. I'd hate to see the H take you to the cleaners.

 

Please get legal counsel ASAP and get your finances/property nailed down.

 

I know how it feels to lie next to your husband and have him ignore you.

 

I love that you told him to kiss your azz and get out!

 

(although I was really liking Bent's suggestion about smashing the phone, wrapping it in divorce papers, and dropping a piece of it on her desk!)

 

My guess is, she won't want him.

 

BTW, I am very, very proud of you. Stand strong!

 

Now go take care of your finances!

[Star727]

I'm looking forward to some closure. I asked him this morning when was his "move out" date. He got up and toss his bills at me and said because I had not been paying them (I just ran out of money!!!!!) he has to pay them and now I've mess up his credit (his credit was in the toilet long ago) so he can't get an apartment.

 

I said that I assumed he was moving in with OW. He said that is no longer an option. I said, "Oh, so its okay to mess around with you while you were living with your wife, but now that you will be free, she doesnt want you anymore? What kind of shyt is that? You mean after 10 years of you two sneaking around together, you finally are free to be with her and she immediately nixes the plans? Don't you feel stupid and used????? About how I feel. Doesnt feel too good does it?"

 

So now, I have to wait until he gets his financial house in order before he leaves the house. The one good thing he is doing - we were in a financial situation and borrowed a large sum of money that I was going to have to pay tomorrow but he said he will pay it all next week. That was weighing on me for the last couple of months and now that weight is off. He also said he is going to pay the electrical and gas bills so I can concentrate on my personal credit card bills to get them paid down.

 

Now, all of a sudden he wants to do all this financial stuff. My feelings havent changed. I do not want him anymore. I mentioned this to my mother and she suggested that I let him move out when he can because I don't want to burn bridges and/or antagonize him because me or the kids might really need his help one day. She said since I've lived with him for 24 years, I can deal with him a few months more, then I'll be free of him. After he leaves, she will give me whatever financial support I need. I think my mother wants him to leave on decent terms because as a widower, she has come to depend on him alot for "handyman" things. He took good care of my mother and she wants to be in a position to call on him if she needs to.

 

Unfortunately, my 18 year old son overheard some of our conversation this morning and came in the room crying and begging us not to break up. He said all his friends only live with their mother and now he's going to have to do that too. He kept asking why can't we all live together. I explained that sometimes moms and dads see their life differently as they get older and then they can't get along with each other like they used to. WH promised he will always be there for him and his sister. He said he'll be just a phone call away. My daughter slept through the whole thing but the son will tell her when he gets home from school so we will have to have this conversation again.

 

I just dont understand him. I left my watch on the bed at home this morning and left for work but went to our gas station (to get coffee/paper) which is an everyday thing. As I got in the car, WH pulled up, came to the window and handed me my watch! I was very shocked.

 

I wish I could talk my mother into giving me some money to give to him so he could leave. I kind of mentioned it but she said the ending shouldnt happen that way. She further said to me "look, you practically picked him out of a trash can, dusted him off and created a man. You gave him his dignity when he didnt have any. Let him leave with his dignity. You are a Christian woman so act like it. If you don't want to be married to him anymore, okay, but stop trying to do things in a hurry. Let him take his time, take care of his business, then he will leave. And I'm not helping you until he does leave, the right way."

 

I told my Mom, "okay". She's a strong woman and I think I got some of my strength from her. We talked a long time this morning while at work and while I explained what was happening, she didnt get angry, or take my side immediately. She just said that just because people get married doesnt mean they are to stay married. God had a reason for us to be together and its possible that the journey is just over now. She further said "you helped someone who was probably praying to God for help and the help came in the form of you. Now you've helped and your job is done."

[desertIslandCactus]

Frustrating as it is to those of us who feel protective for you - a woman who has been through hell with this user/man ..

 

I know your mother is right about haste.. Am always telling my sons that .. And I too am against using your mother's money to pay him off.

 

You'll have to put up with him a bit longer, but I hope you can put him in a separate bed.

 

It seemed telling to me, his comment that it was "no longer an option" .. almost like an admittance of his prev infidelity.

 

The watch: He is going to try to get back in with you again, and is probably buying time. (He needs to be scared about his future!!!)

 

I'm sorry about your children. Mine were 17. Others who have been through this, will be of comfort to them. In time they will come to understand.

 

Yes, Field's comment .. Cover yourself financially by seeking legal council .. If you don't have an attny .. you can get a free consultation with many family law attnys..

[desertIslandCactus]

You know, for what he has done to you over the years - financially:

 

He should use his whole paycheck to pay down the bills, so you can get caught up - part of his staying there.

 

If he still doesn't understand .. tell him he has stolen 24 yrs from you and his infidelity was the nail in the cauffin.. That you're 54 and you are going to reclaim what is left.

[Star727]

It seemed telling to me, his comment that it was "no longer an option" .. almost like an admittance of his prev infidelity.

 

Yeah it does. So all that garbage about "she's just a friend" was some BS. I already knew they were in a relationship. You don't stay involved with someone even with the threat of divorce hanging over your head for a simple friendship.

 

Well seems like I'm stuck with him for a little while longer. He's not going to be a happy man in the house. By the time its over and he leaves, he will wish he had just left when I first told him to.

 

- I dont have to pay his bills anymore;

 

- He's still going to have to help pay the household bills;

 

- I'm going to sit back and let him keep doing the laundry (wash, dry, fold)

 

- He can continue to be my chauffeur and do most of the driving

 

- I will start going out on weekends with my girlfriends. I have missed them but they are my college friends and know all whats been happening so they'll be glad to see me; D-Day #1 is when I told them. They told me then that from now on "its not about love anymore". I either didnt understand what they meant, or didnt want to believe it because I was so totally in love with him and so heartbroken. But I get it now.

 

- I will do him like he's done me for 24 years - leave out of the house and not tell him where I'm going or when I'm coming back

 

- I will doing things with the kids and not include him

 

- I will be pleasant, only answer his questions, never initiate a conversation, not start an argument. I will sit there and watch tv, play on my laptop, talk on the phone, talk with the kids, then go to bed, get up in the morning, go to work.

 

- If he doesnt like whats going on in the house or if he feels left out, ignored or unappreciated - he can leave at anytime.

[jthorne]

Why aren't you asking him to leave? Because it's unlikely that he will unless forced.

[desertIslandCactus]

Yeah it does. So all that garbage about "she's just a friend" was some BS. I already knew they were in a relationship. You don't stay involved with someone even with the threat of divorce hanging over your head for a simple friendship.

 

Well seems like I'm stuck with him for a little while longer. He's not going to be a happy man in the house. By the time its over and he leaves, he will wish he had just left when I first told him to.

 

- I dont have to pay his bills anymore;

 

- He's still going to have to help pay the household bills;

 

- I'm going to sit back and let him keep doing the laundry (wash, dry, fold)

 

- He can continue to be my chauffeur and do most of the driving

 

- I will start going out on weekends with my girlfriends. I have missed them but they are my college friends and know all whats been happening so they'll be glad to see me; D-Day #1 is when I told them. They told me then that from now on "its not about love anymore". I either didnt understand what they meant, or didnt want to believe it because I was so totally in love with him and so heartbroken. But I get it now.

 

- I will do him like he's done me for 24 years - leave out of the house and not tell him where I'm going or when I'm coming back

 

- I will doing things with the kids and not include him

 

- I will be pleasant, only answer his questions, never initiate a conversation, not start an argument. I will sit there and watch tv, play on my laptop, talk on the phone, talk with the kids, then go to bed, get up in the morning, go to work.

 

- If he doesnt like whats going on in the house or if he feels left out, ignored or unappreciated - he can leave at anytime.

 

Your plan is.........Marvelous ...

 

Work on his getting the accounts paid down - and CLOSED, that have both your names on them..

 

Separate beds.

[Star727]

You know, for what he has done to you over the years - financially:

 

He should use his whole paycheck to pay down the bills, so you can get caught up - part of his staying there.

 

If he still doesn't understand .. tell him he has stolen 24 yrs from you and his infidelity was the nail in the cauffin.. That you're 54 and you are going to reclaim what is left.

 

 

Yes. I like that. Like my friends said "its not about love anymore". I did a budget just now to see where I am if he was gone today. It doesnt look good. But it will once I pay some things down. The utilities (electric) have killed me this summer but it soon will be manageable. Gas bill soon will rear its ugly head as the months get colder but I'm jumping on it now so it wont get ahead of me in a few months. I can handle the credit cards (thank God I dont have many).

 

My mom will help in my daughter's college expenses so I'm not too worried about that.

 

Our job health insurance re-enrollment is in a couple of weeks and I already told him he has to carry his own health insurance that he cant be on my plan because I dont want to be the responsible party for him.

 

Unfortunately, unless WH takes our son to his last bowling tournament in May (his final year of the Junior League), its a weekend out of town tournament that we take him to every year, he wont be able to go because I'm not driving there (Detroit) and WH and I will not be living together by then so I have no intention of traveling with him. I told him that and he was bothered by it, saying its not our son's fault. I said, "no, its your fault, so you take him, I'm not going".

 

Yes, I'm going to reclaim my life back. There an anxious feeling in my stomach and I smile whenever I think about it. So much I want to do, so many places I'd like to go. I'm excited!

**************************************

 

I have lived such a safe, predictable life and I'm ashamed of myself that I didnt take chances, stepped out there and tried new things. I always opted for safe and it really got me nowhere.

 

- I bought a house around the corner from where I grew up;

- Stayed with a man that didnt treat me right for 24 years;

- Stayed at the same job for 31 years;

 

The only thing I have to show for that are my two beautiful kids. I guess if that was the way I was to live so that they would grow up like they have - then I've done my job.

[desertIslandCactus]

Yes, my children are a huge blessing to me also.

 

And there's a lot to be said for being on the same job for 31 years.. You have job security and an income = independence.

 

The only good thing about him staying is to get the children used to the idea - and that he knows he must now help out more with the bills - and while making you free from his debt responsibility.

 

His getting his debts in order and with no outside expenditures for housing at this time - will also Hopefully keep you Free from having to pay him spousal support..

 

If you ever give him a payoff - for the house or whatever - hopefully it will entail freeing you from future spousal support.

[Angel1111]

Star, some of the things you say to him really crack me up. haha. Good for you! I really admire your stance on this. It's the only way to keep your dignity, really, and he has pretty much left you with no choice.

 

While I agree with your mother, please don't get into this mode of being Miss Nice at all costs. I think at some point there needs to be a goal of when he will move out because otherwise it can go on forever. As far as your son is concerned, I understand that he's upset, but he's 18 for goodness sake, he won't even be living at home that much longer; plus, he can live with whoever he wants to live with, or go back and forth as much as he wants. It's not like he's a minor. Whether the kids are upset or not, you have every right to be making the deicion you've made. If it comes down to it, their dad can explain to them how he has betrayed you for the last 10 years.

 

I'm pretty stunned at the screwed up relationship he has with the OW. Ten years and this is the result? Man, he just lost in every way, didn't he?

 

Btw, what's the status on his phone. Is it still MIA?

[quankanne]

star, seriously consider contacting a credit counselor to figure out a game plan leading up to the divorce, and after. Such a person can offer ideas on how to effectively strategize your finances, and possibly help you find a way to get him off your milk wagon (i.e., completely separate that responsibility from you or the marriage). At the very least, you'll get a game plan in hand ...

[YellowShark]

star, seriously consider contacting a credit counselor to figure out a game plan leading up to the divorce, and after. Such a person can offer ideas on how to effectively strategize your finances...

 

Great advice.

 

Btw, what's the status on his phone. Is it still MIA?

 

Ya Star... where's "pre-paid cell phone #2" currently?

[Fieldsofgold]

star, seriously consider contacting a credit counselor to figure out a game plan leading up to the divorce, and after. Such a person can offer ideas on how to effectively strategize your finances, and possibly help you find a way to get him off your milk wagon (i.e., completely separate that responsibility from you or the marriage). At the very least, you'll get a game plan in hand ...

 

I can't emphasize strongly enough how critical it is that you get financial legal advice. You feel in control now, BUT If he hooks up with a shrewd advisor, he could have you over a barrel financially and property-wise. You'd be amazed how marital asset and property laws work. There is a reason most people do it BEFORE tipping their hand to the spouse.

 

It is essential that you get legal counsel for protecting yourself financially, as soon as possible. This is not about divorce. This is to protect what you have worked hard for. He can ruin you, if you don't.