I Did Something This Morning - A Vent...

[YellowShark]

...because honestly? He's got nothing to lose. He screwed around, got busted and then convinced you to stay in the marriage. Those "magic words" and probably some sad puppy eyes did the trick, in his way of thinking, and you went for it. And that justified renewing his effort of cheating on the marriage.

 

Once again wise advice.

 

That's what happened to me Star727. I bought my EXs excuses, promises, and gaslighting to stay in the relationship. I bought them hook, line and sinker. Alas two years later she did it all over again, just like your husband has been doing it again and again for the past two years.

 

So now forget the words and rely on the actions. Since you've had multiple d-days since the 1st d-day, and he has gone as far as to buy a pre-paid hidden cell phone, his remorse level is zero by his actions.

 

[edited to add...]

 

When you go out of your way to visit a store and purchase a pre-paid cell to keep in contact with the OW/OM that is pre-meditated. The WS is planning ahead to make sure the BS is "out of the loop." A cheesy-but-true Dr. Phil line is "People with nothing to hide, hide nothing."

Edited October 26, 2010 by YellowShark

[Star727]

Shark, you are right. I bought it all hook line and sinker. I was afraid to be single again. I was afraid to finish raising the kids by myself. I was afraid to run my household alone. I was afraid to go places by myself, getting someone to fix things in the house, etc. I didnt want to start dating again. Dating is a lot different than it was in the 80s. I was afraid to go it alone so I hoped and prayed he would do right but he didnt.

 

Now I have to get the strength in me that I know is there. I have to put on my "big girl" pants and handle my business now.

 

I'm still scared...

[YellowShark]

Shark, you are right. I bought it all hook line and sinker. I was afraid to be single again. I was afraid to finish raising the kids by myself. I was afraid to run my household alone. I was afraid to go places by myself, getting someone to fix things in the house, etc. I didnt want to start dating again. Dating is a lot different than it was in the 80s. I was afraid to go it alone so I hoped and prayed he would do right but he didnt.

 

Now I have to get the strength in me that I know is there. I have to put on my "big girl" pants and handle my business now.

 

I'm still scared...

 

You're scared of being single again, finishing raising the kids, running your household, going places by yourself, getting someone to fix things in the house, and dating again. Fear of the unknown is totally natural... and dating again is fun, don't knock it!

 

But you're not scared of the man who bought a pre-paid cell phone so that he could carry on with the OW - (while he promised you to your face "it was over.") That guy you're not scared of Star727, but trust me, inside he's petrified of you. You hold the key to his power, the respect he takes pride in by seeming to be an honest upstanding member of the community.

[fltc]

I'm still scared...

 

Of course you are but you probably have plenty of friends/relatives who can offer an encouraging word and some advice when needed.

 

One more thing, you have a support group right here, don't be shy about using it!

[Star727]

Shark you are right. I believe he is terrifed of what I might do. He called this afternoon making small talk. I answered his questions and said I had to get off the phone. He's scared to death right now and he should be.

 

He wasnt scared enough not to get involved with someone who works close by me though. And he wasnt scared enough to stay away from her when I gave him an ultimatum. I guess I wasnt firm enough then.

 

I do hold the power. His life will be terrible but mine will not. He's the one who will wonder if people are talking about him but I can walk around with my head held high because I have nothing to be ashamed about.

 

Well, I'm off work now. Leaving for home. Pray for me everybody....

[quankanne]

we will ... and know that we've got your back, honey

[desertIslandCactus]

Star, I've been single for 24 years.. The Lonliest I have ever been in my whole life is when my H (best friend) turned his back on me in the latter days of our 22 yr marriage.

 

It's possible he is even promising the OW that he isn't having intimacy with you (as mine did).

 

You are quite right to get your finances together.. I wasn't given enough notice before being thrust into the world.

 

Get your other priorities taken care of and tell him that his so-called choice to stay with you has been hurtful to you and isn't working out.

 

Then if you don't see Full repentance, he should go.

[strength-abounds]

Star, from the way it sounds you do not need this piece of ****.

 

For your sake of both mind and body, leave and never look back. If H has not cut ties with OW after 2 years, he never will.

 

It's time to start loving YOU again.

 

Good luck and God speed.

[ilovelife75]

good luck Star. You sound so strong and brave, I am so proud of you, and you should be proud of you, too. You deserve to be happy and in a relationship where you are treasured and love and adored. And you can find that again. I am so in awe of you.

 

Can't wait to hear what happened.

[Star727]

This is what happened yesterday and this morning:

 

I got home yesterday and didnt have much to say. He was especially quiet so I know he's been looking for the phone and waiting for me to say something but I let him stew over it all night.

 

This morning he gives me this stupid story.

 

Sidenote: The 1st secret phone is sitting on top of the tv because he accidentally dropped the current phone and kicked it under the bed so I wouldnt see it and picked the old phone up and said that was what he dropped. He put it on top of the tv to prove it hasnt been used because it was off and not charged.

 

His story was that he took the 1st phone and charged it and saw that he had minutes on it and decided to use them up talking to his mother (lives down south). He charged it in the car on Sunday but now he can't find it. I asked how many minutes was on the phone and he said about 500 (the phone I took had 845 minutes on it). He was really anxious about finding the phone. This discussion of the phone went on and on while I was dressing for work (he's on vacation this week).

 

I picked up the house phone and pushed the redial button and lo and behold, OW's cell and home number were on our home phone. That ******* called her from our home. He needed to talk to her that bad that he used our phone. Then I went off.

 

Told him I was done with the marriage. He can now go be with OW and not have to hide and sneak anymore. That since he's so unhappy being here, its okay to leave now. I further said I'd be happier living alone than living with a man and be lonely. He is an extreme conflict avoidance type personality so he didnt say much. All he said was "its not what you think", "you are making a mistake". I told him to kiss my big fat ass and start making plans to get the hell out of my house.

 

Then I went to work.

[bentnotbroken]

I know this must be incredibly hard( been there) I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself and I am sorry it came to this after all your hard work. You deserve so much more. There are good men out there and I know one is waiting for you. Hugs hon.

[whichwayisup]

Star, from the way it sounds you do not need this piece of ****.

 

For your sake of both mind and body, leave and never look back. If H has not cut ties with OW after 2 years, he never will.

 

It's time to start loving YOU again.

 

Good luck and God speed.

 

The guy hasn't suffered any consquences so there has been no reason to change. He believes he has full control here which is why he still is in the house and still married. Little does he know what's about to hit him!

 

I agree with SA, time to put you first, love yourself and find "you" again.

[whichwayisup]

I picked up the house phone and pushed the redial button and lo and behold, OW's cell and home number were on our home phone. That ******* called her from our home. He needed to talk to her that bad that he used our phone. Then I went off.

 

Told him I was done with the marriage. He can now go be with OW and not have to hide and sneak anymore. That since he's so unhappy being here, its okay to leave now. I further said I'd be happier living alone than living with a man and be lonely. He is an extreme conflict avoidance type personality so he didnt say much. All he said was "its not what you think", "you are making a mistake". I told him to kiss my big fat ass and start making plans to get the hell out of my house.

 

Then I went to work.

 

You are so strong! As painful as that must have been, I'm sure a weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

[Star727]

I feel a little lighter today. For the past two years I felt this weight in my chest all the time. I was suspicious of him, I was checking and double checking stuff trying to catch him doing something. I never believed anything he said. I endured no sex and little affection for these past two years.

 

We didnt do anything on our anniversary (Oct 4). I didnt say happy anniversary and he didnt either. The day just passed by. The only one who acknowledged it was my mother and she gave us a card with money in it and I took it and spent it.

 

I had prayed to God to help me. To take the pain away so I could get on with my life. He answered me. He allowed me to endure 2 years of loneliness with a man so that when we get to this point, I have no feelings left. I am truly not sorry about our break up, I'm looking forward to my future, and I really feel that this is the time.

 

I have known since D-Day (July 2008) that our marriage was not going to survive this. But I wanted to wait until I WAS READY. I wasnt ready then. I was too brokenhearted, too upset, depressed, lost, scared of the future. I'm still a little scare of the future but I'm over everything else.

 

When you lay in bed with a man you have loved most of your life and he shows absolutely no interest in you - after awhile you give up and it stops hurting. Thats where I'm at right now. I'm in a good place mentally. I just had to endure these last two years to see for myself that it was never going to get better and nothing was going to ever change. I know that now so I can move on.

[YellowShark]

Sidenote: The 1st secret phone is sitting on top of the tv because he accidentally dropped the current phone and kicked it under the bed so I wouldnt see it and picked the old phone up and said that was what he dropped. He put it on top of the tv to prove it hasnt been used because it was off and not charged.

 

Wow. When I posted before I didn't know there was an original secret phone. So if I read correctly he has gone TWICE to get a "secret phone." Once without your knowledge of his affair, and then a second time when you DID know about the affair. I would say his remorse level is zero for sure! Maybe even negative 1 or negative 2!

 

His story was that he took the 1st phone and charged it and saw that he had minutes on it and decided to use them up talking to his mother (lives down south). He charged it in the car on Sunday but now he can't find it. I asked how many minutes was on the phone and he said about 500 (the phone I took had 845 minutes on it). He was really anxious about finding the phone. This discussion of the phone went on and on while I was dressing for work (he's on vacation this week).

 

Feels good to have the power doesn't it Star727. You've got him by the balls - literally!

 

I picked up the house phone and pushed the redial button and lo and behold, OW's cell and home number were on our home phone. That ******* called her from our home. He needed to talk to her that bad that he used our phone. Then I went off.

 

Yup. He's doing what my EX did. Profess innocence to my face, and then cheat on me while I was not home. It broke my heart.. and convinced me that she was toxic and could not be trusted one bit. She would say ANYTHING to me! She was treating the MM-with-pregnant-wife she was cheating with better than me! - (the guy who stood by her side for 7 years!) That's when I realized her remorse level was zero.

 

All he said was "its not what you think", "you are making a mistake". I told him to kiss my big fat ass and start making plans to get the hell out of my house.

 

That's how the gaslighting goes, he doesn't take any ownership for his affair, the phone calls to the OW, or the TWO secret phones. You are the villain "making the mistake" in his eyes. So typical.

 

Stay strong Star727, don't let him weasel his way out of his ownership in all this with lies and deflection. Good luck!

Edited October 27, 2010 by YellowShark

[Spark1111]

I feel a little lighter today. For the past two years I felt this weight in my chest all the time. I was suspicious of him, I was checking and double checking stuff trying to catch him doing something. I never believed anything he said. I endured no sex and little affection for these past two years.

 

We didnt do anything on our anniversary (Oct 4). I didnt say happy anniversary and he didnt either. The day just passed by. The only one who acknowledged it was my mother and she gave us a card with money in it and I took it and spent it.

 

I had prayed to God to help me. To take the pain away so I could get on with my life. He answered me. He allowed me to endure 2 years of loneliness with a man so that when we get to this point, I have no feelings left. I am truly not sorry about our break up, I'm looking forward to my future, and I really feel that this is the time.

 

I have known since D-Day (July 2008) that our marriage was not going to survive this. But I wanted to wait until I WAS READY. I wasnt ready then. I was too brokenhearted, too upset, depressed, lost, scared of the future. I'm still a little scare of the future but I'm over everything else.

 

When you lay in bed with a man you have loved most of your life and he shows absolutely no interest in you - after awhile you give up and it stops hurting. Thats where I'm at right now. I'm in a good place mentally. I just had to endure these last two years to see for myself that it was never going to get better and nothing was going to ever change. I know that now so I can move on.

 

Balls in your court darling! I am so proud of you. Use this anger to galvanize a plan of action.

 

What do you want to do? Divide assets? Do it now! Change locks? Do it now. Join a gym and be gone while he packs up his stuff? Do it now.

 

Call the OW and tell her.....anything you want to? Today's the day!

 

Inform family? Ok, do it today!

 

Take back your power and control...today! It wasn't what you thought? Then WTF was it?

 

Be proud of yourself! And....get moving forward today!

[goingstrong]

 

I told him to kiss my big fat ass and start making plans to get the hell out of my house.

 

Then I went to work.

 

Priceless!!! Only if all of the BS's could say this, then they would save themselves tons of heartache.

[whichwayisup]

Priceless!!! Only if all of the BS's could say this, then they would save themselves tons of heartache.

 

This only happens when the BS is fully ready to get out of the marriage and it's over. NOONE is going to say that and mean it unless there's well past their 'enough is enough' phase.

[quankanne]

Told him I was done with the marriage. He can now go be with OW and not have to hide and sneak anymore. That since he's so unhappy being here, its okay to leave now. I further said I'd be happier living alone than living with a man and be lonely. He is an extreme conflict avoidance type personality so he didnt say much. All he said was "its not what you think", "you are making a mistake". I told him to kiss my big fat ass and start making plans to get the hell out of my house.

 

Then I went to work.

 

nicely handled ... now's the time to start splitting your assets and getting your name off any credit cards. And if you're determined to divorce, line your lawyer up immediately so you can file. Because I suspect he thinks he can weasel his way out of this, and a plan of action that's being executed is the best reality check you can give ...

[Silly_Girl]

Star!! You took step one to a light heart and a peaceful mind. I wish you luck and strength. Be very proud of yourself lady!!!

[desertIslandCactus]

I feel a little lighter today. For the past two years I felt this weight in my chest all the time. I was suspicious of him, I was checking and double checking stuff trying to catch him doing something. I never believed anything he said. I endured no sex and little affection for these past two years.

 

We didnt do anything on our anniversary (Oct 4). I didnt say happy anniversary and he didnt either. The day just passed by. The only one who acknowledged it was my mother and she gave us a card with money in it and I took it and spent it.

 

I had prayed to God to help me. To take the pain away so I could get on with my life. He answered me. He allowed me to endure 2 years of loneliness with a man so that when we get to this point, I have no feelings left. I am truly not sorry about our break up, I'm looking forward to my future, and I really feel that this is the time.

 

I have known since D-Day (July 2008) that our marriage was not going to survive this. But I wanted to wait until I WAS READY. I wasnt ready then. I was too brokenhearted, too upset, depressed, lost, scared of the future. I'm still a little scare of the future but I'm over everything else.

 

When you lay in bed with a man you have loved most of your life and he shows absolutely no interest in you - after awhile you give up and it stops hurting. Thats where I'm at right now. I'm in a good place mentally. I just had to endure these last two years to see for myself that it was never going to get better and nothing was going to ever change. I know that now so I can move on.

 

Star, This reminds me of a scripture John 8:32 - Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.

[bentnotbroken]

I feel a little lighter today. For the past two years I felt this weight in my chest all the time. I was suspicious of him, I was checking and double checking stuff trying to catch him doing something. I never believed anything he said. I endured no sex and little affection for these past two years.

 

We didnt do anything on our anniversary (Oct 4). I didnt say happy anniversary and he didnt either. The day just passed by. The only one who acknowledged it was my mother and she gave us a card with money in it and I took it and spent it.

 

I had prayed to God to help me. To take the pain away so I could get on with my life. He answered me. He allowed me to endure 2 years of loneliness with a man so that when we get to this point, I have no feelings left. I am truly not sorry about our break up, I'm looking forward to my future, and I really feel that this is the time.

 

I have known since D-Day (July 2008) that our marriage was not going to survive this. But I wanted to wait until I WAS READY. I wasnt ready then. I was too brokenhearted, too upset, depressed, lost, scared of the future. I'm still a little scare of the future but I'm over everything else.

 

When you lay in bed with a man you have loved most of your life and he shows absolutely no interest in you - after awhile you give up and it stops hurting. Thats where I'm at right now. I'm in a good place mentally. I just had to endure these last two years to see for myself that it was never going to get better and nothing was going to ever change. I know that now so I can move on.

 

 

:(:(This makes me so sad to read. But I understand it all too well. Though the timing and sequence were different, the end result was the same...fear, elation, hope and they all lead to the most wonderful time in your life.

[freestyle]

Star--I'm sorry, I don't know all of your backstory---is the OW single or married?

 

Is there a BH on her side of the fence who should be informed?

 

I'm so sorry your WH has put you through that kind of hell for the last two years---it's almost as if he was punishing YOU for HIS indiscretions--I'm very angry on your behalf.

 

Yep, I'd say his credibility is permanently shot at this point.It's bad enough that he cheated in the first place--but to feed you false hope of reconciliation, all the while still engaged in calculated deception---it's just heinous.

 

may your heart heal swiftly.............we're here for you.

[jthorne]

I don't want to speak for Star, but it's been asked twice and I know she has a lot on her mind... It's my understanding that the OW is divorced.

 

And I second that we are here for her.

[Star727]

I'm sorry, I forgot to answer that. The OW is divorced, lives alone, drives a jag during the summer and an SUV during the winter, makes more money than I do or my WH do where we work, dresses very provocative (tight blouses, short skirts) tries to look sexy so the guys can ogle at her. She parties a lot and from what I've heard through the "Sistergirl" network at work, she's not looking for a husband or a live in. She's 52 and enjoys her freedom.

 

So its possible WH will not be able to move in with her. Wouldnt that be funny if she rebuffed his intention to move in? Then he'd have to stay with one of his male friends and that won't make him happy at all. I'm so sad about that...