cheating in a sexless marriage

[eris23]

I know that most people are going to just want to yell at me or tell me I am a horrible person or something, so try to say something constructive with your flaming.

 

I just cheated on my husband of 4 years. Let me explain.

 

 

When I dated my husband he told me he was a virgin, and was waiting for marriage. I respected this. When we got married and didnt have sex for a few months I really considred leaving him. He didnt even want to sleep in the same bed because "sleep is important to him and I may disturb him". We had a lot of issues, and I even ended up in the psych ward for a bit. But I decided that I love him and I want to stay with him no matter what. We have been married 4 years and never had sex, never french kissed, and never slept in the same bed.

 

He is simply not interested in sex. He is not attracted to naked ladies, and is bored by anything sexual. Sometimes I get a hug, sometimes a peck on the cheek...this is all.

 

He calls me his best friend and that is how we live

 

Ive been living like this for 4 years. I recently turned 30 and all kinds of strange stuff is going on with me. I am no longer satisfied to just be who I currently am. But I digress...

 

I decided I deserve intimacy. I am a human and I have needs. Turning 30 did something weird to my sex drive. I think about it constantly. Even after I "take care of myself" I immediatly start thinking about men again. I dont even need to watch porn. All I need to do is pop in the DVD of Twilight and Im ready to go.

 

Ive talked about this with him a hundred times. Ive cried to him. I even told him Im thinking of cheating.... do you know what he says...do you know what ALL he says...

 

"You just dont understand how I feel"

 

So, night before last....I snapped. I just snapped.

 

I made a post on craigslist and long story short I met a random guy and gave him oral sex.

 

And you know what, I feel bad but I DONT feel bad. This is going to sound like a really really crappy thing to say and Im a really really crappy person to say it...but I loved it. And Im probably going to do it again.

 

Im going to tell my husband about this, I just have to figure out how to do it

 

I just cant live the rest of my life without sex or intimacy or even kissing. God I miss kissing so much. Sometimes I just daydream about kissing all day long.

 

I guess I just needed to let it out - I needed to tell someone.

 

The thing that scares me is how bad I DONT feel. And Im sure this is going to happen again.

 

Should I live my life of "friendship" with my husband ? I love him so bad it hurts, and I dont want a divorce. I just dont know what to do.

[thomasb]

You should divorce in my opinion. And I rarely say that. You both deserve to be with someone who you can be truly intimate with. I don't think cheating is ever the answer.

[PegNosePete]

This will go one of 3 ways:

 

1) Tell your husband. He will recognise your need for sex and because he doesn't want to satisfy it, he will give you permission to seek it elsewhere. Between you, you can establish some ground rules (what is allowed, which guys, how much detail does he want to know, etc).

 

2) Tell your husband. He won't understand, he won't change, and he won't allow you to seek sex elsewhere. You will realize you're incompatible with your husband, and get a divorce.

 

3) Keep lying and deceiving your husband, friends and family forever while being at high risk from STDs.

 

If you keep it from him you're not being fair to him, or to yourself. Can you see yourself keeping up this lying and deception for the next 40 years? Do you intend to have children with your husband? Do you think he would make a good father (certainly doesn't sound like it to me)? You say you can't live the rest of your life without sex or intimacy, but can you live the rest of your life with lying and cheating and deception, even when you're old and wrinkly?

[eris23]

I am going to tell him, and that may solve this problems for me - he might leave me.

 

I agree that divorce is probably the logical and correct answer.

 

I just love him so much. When it comes to other parts of our life together we are perfect. He really is my best friend and I love him more than I thought possible.

 

We are not having children - I cant.

 

But I agree cheating isnt the right answer, and he wont let me have sex with someone else.

 

any advice on HOW I should tell my husband what I did ?

[LiveWell]

I think if you tell your husband you are interested in having sex outside the marriage and have already done so, and want to continue doing so, he will be happy and relieved, assuming you can keep it sex-only and not get emotionally involved, and obviously not get pregnant or std's from another man.

[bentnotbroken]

I think if you tell your husband you are interested in having sex outside the marriage and have already done so, and want to continue doing so, he will be happy and relieved, assuming you can keep it sex-only and not get emotionally involved, and obviously not get pregnant or std's from another man.

 

 

Or more than willing to move on to someone else.

[Silly_Girl]

Or more than willing to move on to someone else.

 

But that may solve nothing (for him) as he appears ill-equipped to be in a long-term relationship.

[reservoirdog1]

3) Keep lying and deceiving your husband, friends and family forever while being at high risk from STDs.

Well, if her husband has never once had sex with her in their entire relationship, and has no interest in doing so, the chance of him catching something from her is basically zero.

 

No, you shouldn't have strayed outside your marriage. There, that's out of the way.

 

Having said that, you're not the only one who's been deceptive. Yes, you deceived him by straying without him knowing about it. But he deceived you by leading you to believe that your mutual sexual relationship would begin after your wedding, and then not coming through. Sounds to me like he never intended to, either.

 

I think your best option is to be straight with him. You need to tell him what you did, and why. He will probably be hurt. But keep in mind that, when you've brought it up in the past, he's said little more than just "you don't understand how I feel". You then need to lay our for him what your future requirements are with respect to sex.

 

Your requirements aren't unreasonable; in addition to being fun and a great source of pleasure, stress relief and endorphin release, sex is a powerful way for a couple to build intimacy in their relationship. The choice will then be his: make sex a component of the relationship; allow you to have sex with others; or let you out of the marriage.

 

If the marriage were to end, I see no reason why the two of you couldn't continue to be close friends. That's basically what you are now anyway!

 

If he's okay with you having sex with others, make sure you're both in agreement about what will happen if you get pregnant or contract an STD. "Full disclosure" of such things will need to be a requirement of any such understanding.

 

I'm generally very anti-infidelity, but assuming that what you've posted is truthful, this is one of those situations where, in my view, it's not totally unjustifiable.

Edited October 26, 2010 by reservoirdog1

[2sure]

Your H's treatment of you is abusive. He is denying you a basic human need...and not just sometimes...all of the time for the rest of your life. And he knows it, knows it is making you suffer, knows he deceived you upon entering the marriage...and doesnt care.

 

Intimacy is an important way for couples to connect and reconnect, to create a bond. Thats the bond that keeps you going through hard times & crisis. That bod is part of your history. Even if one spouse starts to withhold sex for some reason - the bond that has been created often compels both partners to try to work through that.

 

You have no intimate bond - past or present.

[bentnotbroken]

But that may solve nothing (for him) as he appears ill-equipped to be in a long-term relationship.

 

 

It would solve not being with her. And I don't know whether he is ill equipped or not. Maybe just not compatible with her.

[Silly_Girl]

It would solve not being with her. And I don't know whether he is ill equipped or not. Maybe just not compatible with her.

 

The issue is far greater than mis-matched libidos. He has zero respect for her needs, wants, desires; no one says he must comply, but he MUST communicate and appears completely unable.

[GorillaTheater]

The issue is far greater than mis-matched libidos. He has zero respect for her needs, wants, desires; no one says he must comply, but he MUST communicate and appears completely unable.

 

Which is why, like RDog, I can't bring myself to cast any stones despite my own opinions on infidelity. Yeah, she owns her infidelity 100%. But it's not like there was much of a marriage to betray, in my opinion.

 

I think your plan is sound, OP. Lay it out for your husband and ask him to pick an option. If he won't or can't, you pick.

[bentnotbroken]

The issue is far greater than mis-matched libidos. He has zero respect for her needs, wants, desires; no one says he must comply, but he MUST communicate and appears completely unable.

 

 

Then divorce is the best thing for all involved. So she can be rid of the insensitive lout and she can get her needs by doing oral on some stranger. All is right with the world.

[waynebrady]

I don't know why you as a woman would be upset about this. You are privileged in the fact that you don't need to have sex or even sleep in the same bed as him. Most women would love to be in a marriage like that. Be happy because you are lucky

[waynebrady]

Your H's treatment of you is abusive. He is denying you a basic human need...and not just sometimes...all of the time for the rest of your life. And he knows it, knows it is making you suffer, knows he deceived you upon entering the marriage...and doesnt care.

 

Intimacy is an important way for couples to connect and reconnect, to create a bond. Thats the bond that keeps you going through hard times & crisis. That bod is part of your history. Even if one spouse starts to withhold sex for some reason - the bond that has been created often compels both partners to try to work through that.

 

You have no intimate bond - past or present.

 

Abusive? I'd think it's the opposite. The OP is lucky, tons of women would love to be in her situation.

[eris23]

I never expected people to be so understanding

 

I am really beating myself up.

 

My biggest problem is that he basically promised me we would have a sex life when we were married, and this is where my feeling of " I deserve sex so I must cheat" feeling is coming from. ( even thought I think this feeling is wrong )

 

I just love him so much, I love him more than anything.

 

Im 30, and will soon be 31,32,33 .... these years for a woman are very sexual ,and im afraid my feelings of constant hornieness are only going to get worse

[eris23]

I don't know why you as a woman would be upset about this. You are privileged in the fact that you don't need to have sex or even sleep in the same bed as him. Most women would love to be in a marriage like that. Be happy because you are lucky

 

 

WHAT ?

 

 

i AM human

 

 

I mean its ok if you critisize me for cheating, I am certainly killing myself about it

 

 

but REALLY dude..women want sex too, especially 30 yr old women

[GorillaTheater]

my feeling of " I deserve sex so I must cheat" feeling is coming from. ( even thought I think this feeling is wrong )

 

I think it is wrong. I think it's destructive, dishonest, and lacks integrity and although I understand why you've found yourself in the position you're in, I won't pretend otherwise.

 

But that said, your husband has played the starring role in bringing your relationship to the crappy state it's in (it's just how you've chosen to deal with it that I take issue with). Be honest with him, let him know what you want your marriage to look like, and be prepared to end the marriage if agreement can't be reached.

[eris23]

I think it is wrong. I think it's destructive, dishonest, and lacks integrity and although I understand why you've found yourself in the position you're in, I won't pretend otherwise.

 

 

 

I agree with this 100% . I do not like how I feel, I think Im sh*t for feeling this way.

[GorillaTheater]

I agree with this 100% . I do not like how I feel, I think Im sh*t for feeling this way.

 

Then I have some good news: sex outside the marriage probably isn't for you. The better choice for you would likely be putting everything on the table with your husband, and either work on acheiving your mutual goals for the marriage or ending things as well as possible.

 

Don't spend too much time beating yourself up; spend alot more time picking a path you can be proud of from here on in.

[Silly_Girl]

OP, how CAN you love your H more than anything? I would lose respect for, and feel resentment towards someone who knowingly neglected me in that way. I'm a very romantic/sexual/affectionate person. So it would eat away at me and affect the whole of the R, for me.

 

My boyfriend was in a similar situation, he had been deceived in the same way by his wife. He then felt foolish and unreasonable and demanding when he tried to address it with her. And when months turned to years and years it got harder and harder, because they'd 'got by' for so long it seemed wrong to decide one day it was completely unacceptable, which it was.

 

This, right now, is your best opportunity to address the problems you as a couple have, as a COUPLE. I think if you don't it could get more complicated. And possibly now your boundaries have lowered somewhat it could get more complicated if you were to accidentally meet and fall for another man. Dealing with this now is the cleanest and fairest way. I feel sad for both of you and wish you well.

[reservoirdog1]

I don't know why you as a woman would be upset about this. You are privileged in the fact that you don't need to have sex or even sleep in the same bed as him. Most women would love to be in a marriage like that. Be happy because you are lucky

Oh for christ's sake.

 

Eris, ignore this. Please.

 

Wayne... not to put too fine a point on it, but... please lose your virginity BEFORE you make blanket pronouncements about what women like and don't like with respect to sex.

[eris23]

OP, how CAN you love your H more than anything? I would lose respect for, and feel resentment towards someone who knowingly neglected me in that way. I'm a very romantic/sexual/affectionate person. So it would eat away at me and affect the whole of the R, for me..

 

I dont know why I love him, but I do. It is probably because I feel in love with him before we were married. And I respect so many other things about him. He is a brilliant artist, and he is a teacher ( high school art) We have the same philosophy of life, we are really made for each other in so many ways

 

For years I just denied this... I pushed it out of my head. I basically told myself if this is my only issue Im lucky. All of my other ex's cheated on me, and, for a little while at least, I thought "at least he isnt going to cheat on me"

 

But I really do think it is age and hormones. I get honry again right after I take care of myself, and it is not so much that I want to have sex for the good feeling, but for the physical act of touching and being touched. I miss THE PASSION. I would be satisfied just making out with someone.

 

Ive told him this so many times...about how it is not so much I want to have an orgasm is is that I want to feel the rush of being physical

 

he says... " you just dont understant how I feel "

 

Ive said so many mean things to him the past few months. About the feelings Im having, and the things I want to do. Ive told him im thinking of cheating and Ive told him it will probably happen. And, like Ive said, he says " you just dont understand how I feel"

 

I dont think I could have romanantic feelings for someone else. I immediatly started to hate this guy as soon as he left the room.

 

_______________________________________________________

 

 

does anyone know HOW to start the talk ? How can I tell the man that loves me that I cheated on him.... Im afraid the words just wont come.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

In my humble opinion, you never had a marriage anyways...

 

If I read correctly you have never had any sexual intimacy with your husband. I am not very religious, but in my humble opinion, the marriage was never consumated...

 

The best move for you to make would be to end this relationship (either your husband is really messed up, or possibly gay).

 

Additionally, as tempting and easy as it may be, finding random partners for sexual intimacy is not something I would wish on my worst enemy...

 

The best outcome I could possibly see for you would be to read that you did not repeat your ONS type of deal again, and you exited your marriage respectfully, and (with time and patience) found a loving, capable partner.

 

Good Luck!

[Silly_Girl]

Eris, I think you need to 'book' it. Speak to him at a time when there's zero chance a conversation could develop and say 'this evening I REALLY need to talk with you, it's important'. This means you can't back down and pretend it was about which brand of cereal to but.

 

Ordinarily I'd think that 'warning' would be mean and would worry the other party but I think a) he needs to be prepared this could be different/more serious, b) judging by his usual behaviour he won't be unduly unsettled.