Suspicious about husband and claims over his "nightshift" job

October 26, 2010

I'm 30, my husband's32. For the past few weeks my husband told me he'd started working nightshifts to earn extra money [in addition to his day job which involves AutoCAD], which I wasn't too pleased about, but when I heard him saying we'd get more money if he did double shifts, I accepted the situation.

Surprisingly, there's been no extra income despite this!!

So for 4 weeks he'd been doing the nightshift, until my friend Suzanne who works as an airport taxi driver said he wasn't doing nightshift work - and the situation was far worse than I thought.She told me that she'd seen him going into discos every night of the week with a good friend of his - apparently he's called "Barry", from what she heard him shouting to his friend - and that what my husband had told me about nightshift work was complete nonsense.

She showed me the photos of it she had taken on a digital camera (whilst she was on her way to a pick-up, she said she'd got the photos whilst at the traffic lights!) - she always keeps the digital camera for if there's an emergency.

I confronted my husband about this last night, and he said it was complete nonsense. I told him about the photos and he said don't be silly, why would anyone take photos of me at work? However, he had a distinctive maroon jacket with Gothic lettering on the back, custom-made for him, so it could only be him!

I do know who Barry is, even though I don't know him very well, and I let his wife know, I've met her a few times, she's a lovely woman, and she said he's denying the whole thing too. She's as suspicious as I am, having seen the photos on Facebook on someone's profile page.

He said he wouldn't even go the disco anyway.Now he's refusing to speak to me, and is spending all his time away from home - I tried phoning him on his mobile, but got automated messages saying "the person you have tried to dial is not available".

Our relationship was good, but now it looks like our marriage is on rocky ground - how can I save it??

He's still claiming to have this nightshift job, but I'm suspicious.

How can I handle this?

October 26, 2010

Since he's not talking to you, I would start getting your affairs in order. At the very least, he has abandoned you. It's not appropriate for him not to talk to you. Your his wife. Isn't talking a major part of marriage?

Check the bank accounts, credit cards, bills, everything. Look at the cell phone records. Check the computer. On these boards, people recommend that you get a key logger for your computer to track his use. I would do that. Make sure you know how much money is coming in and leaving the house. Get a lawyer and if you can afford it, get a counselor. I know you want to save your marriage, but he's living a double life and has no interest in stopping. I wonder why he won't stop-- maybe he's got a monkey on his back.

I can't imagine a working person going to night clubs every night without having an extra bump to stay alert. I don't do drugs and love clubbing, but I only go out once a week. I'm not saying your spouse is on drugs, but it's something to consider. Also, sex is a big thing in clubs. I'm not certain your man is cheating, but if he wanted to, a disco or night club would be a good venue for that.

I don't want to freak you out, but I want you to start thinking of yourself now and do everything you can to protect yourself.

October 26, 2010

Follow him. If you tap him on the shoulder in a disco he can't deny being there.

October 27, 2010

Yes get going on him and make sure your finances are protected. There is nothing innocent here.

October 27, 2010

What a prick. I don't understand people who continue to lie when they have been caught out, evidence and all. Seriously, why do people do this??

But yes, do what everybody else said. Follow the bastard! Call his work. Take him for all he is worth.

October 27, 2010

your husband is lying to you. I am sorry.

October 29, 2010

Here's a link to a site that gives us ten reasons why a guy will cheat on you: http://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating_60/82_dating_list.html

In the meantime, answer these questions:

-- What sexual favor did you refuse to do for him?
-- Do you not wear lingerie to bed to sexually entice him?
-- How much weight have gained since you got married?
-- Was your hair long before you married him and then cut it short afterwards?
-- Do you not dress sexy enough when around him anymore?
-- Were you constantly nagging him before you became suspicious of your husband's behavior?
-- Did you make him feel inadequate about his sexual performance?

We have to be as honest with ourselves as we possibly can. It can very well be the case that you bare some blame for this.

.

Pssssst, 4thPlanet---men who have taken vows of monogamy in marriage are not supposed to just cheat on their wives, EVEN if their wives get haircuts! I know, outrageous.

OP, I'm a little unclear on why your friend is out snapping pics of your husband, but it sounds like you have pretty good reason to be suspicious. Honestly I'd be tempted to follow him, myself. Even if nothing sexual is going on, he's not being honest with you, and he's reacting like a sulky child to your attempts to figure everything out, very bad sign.

October 29, 2010

Here's a link to a site that gives us ten reasons why a guy will cheat on you: http://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating_60/82_dating_list.html

In the meantime, answer these questions:

-- What sexual favor did you refuse to do for him?
-- Do you not wear lingerie to bed to sexually entice him?
-- How much weight have gained since you got married?
-- Was your hair long before you married him and then cut it short afterwards?
-- Do you not dress sexy enough when around him anymore?
-- Were you constantly nagging him before you became suspicious of your husband's behavior?
-- Did you make him feel inadequate about his sexual performance?

We have to be as honest with ourselves as we possibly can. It can very well be the case that you bare some blame for this.

I also think he's cheating because you said that he hasn't come back with extra income. Sine he denies cheating on you, that brings you back to square one, only this time he knows that you know something's up. Because of this, he's going to be more careful about his cheating ways.

When you're alone with him, ask him the questions that I outlined above. Let's see how he answers them.

this is the lamest post i've seen here in all my years.

IF her H cheats it's because HE is to blame. something is missing inside HIM.

sheeez!!!!

October 29, 2010

Here's a link to a site that gives us ten reasons why a guy will cheat on you: http://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating_60/82_dating_list.html

In the meantime, answer these questions:

-- What sexual favor did you refuse to do for him?
-- Do you not wear lingerie to bed to sexually entice him?
-- How much weight have gained since you got married?
-- Was your hair long before you married him and then cut it short afterwards?
-- Do you not dress sexy enough when around him anymore?
-- Were you constantly nagging him before you became suspicious of your husband's behavior?
-- Did you make him feel inadequate about his sexual performance?

We have to be as honest with ourselves as we possibly can. It can very well be the case that you bare some blame for this.

I also think he's cheating because you said that he hasn't come back with extra income. Sine he denies cheating on you, that brings you back to square one, only this time he knows that you know something's up. Because of this, he's going to be more careful about his cheating ways.

When you're alone with him, ask him the questions that I outlined above. Let's see how he answers them.

well - this is so ignorant and ridiculous it almost made me laugh.

October 29, 2010

OP - i'm wondering how he figures he's getting away with the lie when he isn't bring in more money.

since he insists on lying and expecting you to believe him... follow him. then walk up to him while he's out and tell him not to bother coming home - you aren't willing to be married to a liar and a cheat.

end of story.

really, i was wondering "troll" - one post and hasn't returned...

October 29, 2010

He is indeed definitely lying to you You need to follow him to the "club" and when you spot him there you say "soo this is what your night work consists of huh" slap him, leave and leave the house you guys share until he figures his **** out because this is unacceptable especially for a married man.

October 29, 2010

Well, I've been a bit busy with work lately so sorry for the late reply.

Here's the answer to these questions:

-- What sexual favor did you refuse to do for him? None recently really, he seems to have no sexual favours he wanted me to carry out (unless you count him asking me in the past to dress up like Justin Bieber, Adolf Hitler and Blake Lively for him - yeuch!). By and large, he doesn't have many sexual favours that he wants me to carry out, apart from those mentioned above.
-- Do you not wear lingerie to bed to sexually entice him? He doesn't seem to be turned on by my lingerie recently, instead preferring to check his Twitter status and post Twitter feeds on football and his drinking habits.
-- How much weight have gained since you got married? Not much, I'm fairly active since I sometimes have to go out "in the field" (I work with roads and traffic for my day job, so that keeps me active!)
-- Was your hair long before you married him and then cut it short afterwards? My hair is long, but tied back normally.
-- Do you not dress sexy enough when around him anymore? I always dress conservatively (if you consider a white blouse and black skirt conservative), but some people would consider that sexy. I don't really dress up in "sexy" clothing anyway, it's always tasteful and sensible. He never has asked me to dress up sexually for him when we did have sex.
-- Were you constantly nagging him before you became suspicious of your husband's behavior? I hadn't nagged him at all, yes we had the odd argument but those were over silly/trivial things, not a major argument
-- Did you make him feel inadequate about his sexual performance? I've never criticised him, realizing the old maxim "Treat others as you would like to be treated", something I was taught as a child.

If I were to follow him to this disco/nightclub, how on earth would I go about it without him being suspicious?

I did try a keylogger on his computer, but that was a total washout - all it got was pages on AutoCAD, access to various football forum accounts of his and two AutoCAD forums, and confidential business documents - so no luck there.

As for my friend snapping pics, she's the equivalent of the "video vigilante", you know, those people who film drink-drivers and carry out citizen's arrests... she has a camera - one digital, and a video camera, - just for emergencies. It was fortunate she had them that night...

I just can't understand why he's behaving like this. I mean if you're significant other or husband were to do what mine was doing, how would you cope?

Especially considering we've only been married for 18 months now...

Edited October 29, 2010 by valuxha

October 29, 2010

Whenever a man goes into secrecy and turning his back on his wife and her questions, it's not a good sign. Easier said than done with what I would do.

Possibility if this is every night - it may even affect his day job.

I guess since, you feel uncomfortable with following him - perhaps your friend who took the picture, could keep her eye out, maybe even go into the club and snap another picture - if possible.

So on the easier said than done: If you cannot get an answer out of him, and cannot follow him - you have to wait for more info. to see what's going on and how you would wish to procede w your life and marriage.

October 29, 2010

I mean if you're significant other or husband were to do what mine was doing, how would you cope?

i'd divorce him! and i did, even after 20 years of being married! i deserved better than a man cheating on me - especially when he was the ONE person who was supposed to show me love, kindness and respect. cheating doesn't fill those qualities.

you have to decide what it is YOU want for YOU. i highly doubt a husband that treats you this way is at the top of your list. call him on his crappy behavior and tell him if this is how he's going to behave then to leave.

life is too short to waste energy and time on his little game he's playing.

October 29, 2010

Smack!!!!!Stung, redmelon, and 2sunny take that. At first I thought 4thplanet was nuts as well, but after reading his response, I realized it was a simple line of questioning..not a justification. The OP is trying to find out what he is up to and what his motivation was, and lo and behold she answered it without being offended..so it begs the question why are you?

October 29, 2010

Smack!!!!!Stung, redmelon, and 2sunny take that. At first I thought 4thplanet was nuts as well, but after reading his response, I realized it was a simple line of questioning..not a justification. The OP is trying to find out what he is up to and what his motivation was, and lo and behold she answered it without being offended..so it begs the question why are you?

Yes, recent discovery deserves much investigation .. and also pre-planning if there is to be a divorce..

October 29, 2010

So you've been married 18 mos, and you should feel intitled that you man loves as much or more than the day he said, "I do!" That's fair, however, if he's a sleazeball, all of this goes straight out the window. The way I look at it, you confronted him, gave him damning evidence, and he STILL lied to you straight to your face. This is a red flag in that this man is capable of anything. To him, his actions are unconscionable. The only advice I can give is - prepare yourself for the worst. Make sure you have a CLEAR plan of what you would do if it comes to the point of separation. pack, move to family/friends, hire a lawyer, change your cell number, cry, etc. Ask yourself, what's the one thing he could say to keep you from leaving him? Is it, "I'll stop working nights." You decide. Now really think if you caught him with another woman/man, is he saying this going to make your heart feel alive again?

There are so many creative way to catch him in the act, it's almost hysterical, as this dude is oblivious to being caught

November 1, 2010

Recently when we've had sex, he's been pushing me to try and dress like Justin Bieber or Adolf Hitler, and no matter how many times I tell him no, he's insistent that I should do it and acts like an upset child having a tantrum.

He seems to have stopped going the disco now since I "outed" his disappearing act, but as regards our sex life, the above thing is quite disturbing and I feel worried.

We do have sex, but he complains it isn't exciting enough. He does want me to dress up for him, but only as the following individuals:

Justin Bieber

Adolf Hitler

Robert Pattinson

Incidentally, he shows no sexual attraction to men, so why the hell is he doing this?

I just don't understand. Talking to him hasn't helped. He claims it's just who he is...

where do I go from here?

November 1, 2010

Recently when we've had sex, he's been pushing me to try and dress like Justin Bieber or Adolf Hitler, and no matter how many times I tell him no, he's insistent that I should do it and acts like an upset child having a tantrum.

He seems to have stopped going the disco now since I "outed" his disappearing act, but as regards our sex life, the above thing is quite disturbing and I feel worried.

We do have sex, but he complains it isn't exciting enough. He does want me to dress up for him, but only as the following individuals:
Justin Bieber
Adolf Hitler
Robert Pattinson

Incidentally, he shows no sexual attraction to men, so why the hell is he doing this?

I just don't understand. Talking to him hasn't helped. He claims it's just who he is...

where do I go from here?

OMG. That is creepy!!! Hitler?!? Bieber?? I can't even begin to imagine someone masturbating to Hitler (which I'm assuming he's doing if he wants you to dress up like him). That's probably one of the creepiest things I've read on here. Ugh, and he's your husband? I would suggest you go to counseling! Both of you.

November 1, 2010

Recently when we've had sex, he's been pushing me to try and dress like Justin Bieber or Adolf Hitler,

We do have sex, but he complains it isn't exciting enough. He does want me to dress up for him, but only as the following individuals:
Justin Bieber
Adolf Hitler
Robert Pattinson

The troll radar is going off. This is sounding unbelievable, and if it is true, then you cannot run fast and far enough from this sociopath....you are just a stones throw from being a headline when your liver join his "trophy" collection.

November 1, 2010

Truth is stranger than fiction, though. This isn't trolling.

He really did ask me to do those things Yuk.

Even weirder... he wanted me to dress as Taylor Swift - yes, I'm blonde, but no lookalike of her.,

November 1, 2010

Okay, so you're not a troll..that's cool.

I really meant the second part though...this guy sounds really disturbed.

November 1, 2010

Truth is stranger than fiction, though. This isn't trolling.
He really did ask me to do those things Yuk.

Even weirder... he wanted me to dress as Taylor Swift - yes, I'm blonde, but no lookalike of her.,

Even weirder? Sorry, but nothing tops Hitler and Bieber.

I'm sorry, I usually wouldn't be so flippant about couples separating, but to me that is grounds for divorce. Anyone who would ask me to dress up as Hitler would 1) lose my love immediately because I would just be so disgusted and 2) have some serious psychological problems that I would want nothing to do with.

I would run like the dickens away from this guy, but I understand with you two being married it makes things more difficult. As it is, go to counseling, because what he is asking is sick.

November 1, 2010

Tell him there's no pretending and dressing up .. that this is You .. Ask him how he wishes to proceed with the marriage .. counseling or whatever - Before there are children involved.

November 2, 2010

Run forest run. There is no amount of counseling that is going to fix this guy.

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Suspicious about husband and claims over his "nightshift" job

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