Eternity001 Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 Just wondering if anyone here has been in a situation where they dumped someone and it felt completely right at the time and for awhile after. Then suddenly it creeps up on them or doubt does. I'm in that situation at the moment and was looking for some advice. I broke up with my ex 10 months ago after 4 years and have dated since, one person in particular for about 5 months. That was going perfect but suddenly about a month ago I started having crippling doubt and wonder if I made the right decision with my ex. I haven't been able to get her out of my mind since. There has been no contact between her and I for about a month also. For a good seven of those 10 months she has repeatedly asked me to be friends, catch up and/or get back together. I've stayed clear of it and blown her off most of the time. She hasn't tried to contact me for a month so I guess she's either found someone else or given up. I've kind of wound myself up over this and am a bit afraid to see her or talk to her. A bunch of her stuff is still at my house too so i will see her eventually, just wondering what you guys think I should do. Tough it out and not make any contact or catch up with her and get it out of the way so I can relax and maybe move on properly. Thanks in advance.
Ajax Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 It's funny, a lot of people here have the theory that someone eho dumped you won't want you back until you're over them. Sounds like the proof is in the pudding. Why did you break up with her in the first place, and why are you doubting it now?
Don Ho Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 Just send out a brief, friendly email or text. Maybe something like "hey come get your stuff one of these days or I'll have to start charging you storage! LOL". She if and how she responds.
nineyearsgone79 Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 I was just wondering why did you not write her back and you ignored her emails.. just curious because I had an ex do that to me. Disappeared... and never responded. Also why did you break up in the first place?
WTRanger Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 When someone is reaching out to you and you just up and blow them off, that pretty much pisses the other person off to no end. It shatters any sort of trust they may have or willing desire to get back to you. If you didn't want to talk at that time, you should have at least told her that. It's the human thing to do. Now if you start trying to talk to her I hope she returns the favor and ignores you. But hey, ignoring the problem in the first place totally solved it right? Now what should have been dealt with months ago is still alive and fresh. Or are you only interested because she finally stopped? She's doing what you wanted her to do the whole time you were ignoring her. Tell her to pick her stuff up, then leave her alone. You'll just be playing mind games with her.
TLCbear Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 I broke up with my ex 10 months ago after 4 years and have dated since, one person in particular for about 5 months. That was going perfect but suddenly about a month ago I started having crippling doubt and wonder if I made the right decision with my ex. I haven't been able to get her out of my mind since. There has been no contact between her and I for about a month also. For a good seven of those 10 months she has repeatedly asked me to be friends, catch up and/or get back together. I've stayed clear of it and blown her off most of the time. Move on and be happy with your current girlfriend. You're only just "doubting" now because she hasn't contacted you in a month, which is when you actually started "doubting". People like you kill me, you're fine and dandy when you got someone constantly calling and trying to stay in contact, because it's feeding your little ego, but when the person decides to leave your ass alone, you have a sudden change of regret or doubt. If you really felt you made the wrong choice, you definitely would have realized it way before now...hence...10 months break up. Remember to water that grass, lol. 1
WTRanger Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 (edited) There seems to be some harsh responses, myself included, but this is coming from people who have dealt with someone that acted as you have. This is the pain that has been caused, the confusion, the anger, the waiting, etc. The best thing you can do is learn from this. When she was reaching out to you, instead of doing nothing, you should have been up front with her. If you honestly have regret, the only thing you can do is be honest and up front with her. Speak to how you feel, speak to what you did was wrong and lacking integrity. Keep it short and to the point. However, don't really expect a rousing response if she sends one at all. Either way, if you do have real regret, you need to deal with it in a proper manner. If you ignore it, it will ruin your current relationship. Edited October 26, 2010 by WTRanger
Author Eternity001 Posted October 27, 2010 Author Posted October 27, 2010 It's alright, I somewhat expected the harsh reponses. I broke up with her initially because I felt like I needed space and some freedom, we had lived together for four years in a sharehouse, in a bedroom together. Not a lot of space. We wanted different things and at the time I was starting to resent her so I thought it better off we part ways. The thing about the current relationship that you point out, WTRanger is pretty close to the mark or at least for the last month anyway. I did ruin the current one but the two of us are also horribly incompatible. I have also told her numerous times over the course of the 10 months to pick up her stuff, she just never has. I've never been nasty about it or nasty in any way actually in that time. I certainly haven't received the same in return but that's fine. I've never ignored her, been nasty to her or anything like that. I've just never done anything about catching up with her and have always said to her we can't be friends if there is still feelings involved. She can't understand why if there is feeling involved that I'd stay away from her however. @TLCbear, I promise you it's not like that, I don't want her to feed anything. I'm far from egotistical I just never wanted to go back because this girl is very insecure and the majority of her messages have always been something along the lines of "hey lets catch up and have a coffee or are you seeing too many sluts now to fit me in" or "I really want to be friends but if you're seeing someone then don't bother". I have always said no about seeing anyone this entire time (yes I lied) I have blown off the meetings and being friends because she still obviously had feelings and I didn't really want to sit there and have her ask me if I was with anyone or have her tell me she's been with people, it's just volatile and unnecessary. What happened a month ago was there to be a party at my house. I got wind she was coming which took me by complete surprise because she hadn't been anywhere near me or my friends for 8 months. I sent her a message saying she was welcome but I'll go elsewhere. I did but she never showed anyway. In combination with the affect that had on me, of seeing her or her being in my life more or less as well my current casual partner not really working out has made me think twice, that maybe she was the right person for me. Either way I'll always care about her. I guess I can only learn from this as someone said, I have been a bit down lately too so maybe that also has something to do with it. I do miss her though and do hope that one day we can indeed be friends.
valpre Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 .. as well my current casual partner not really working out I have been a bit down lately too so maybe that also has something to do with it. It sounds to me like you're just missing her because things aren't going so well for you at the moment, and you're feeling a void because she is no longer contacting you. If you truly wanted to get back to together with her, I think you would be 100% sure. If you're not 100% sure, then leave her be and let her heal and move on. Take care.
TLCbear Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 It sounds to me like you're just missing her because things aren't going so well for you at the moment, and you're feeling a void because she is no longer contacting you. Exactly, totally agree.
Author Eternity001 Posted October 27, 2010 Author Posted October 27, 2010 You're probably right. She contacted me tonight funnily enough. Still wants to meet up, misses me. I think I'll do it.
Author Eternity001 Posted October 29, 2010 Author Posted October 29, 2010 I see her casually yes, I'm not with her as such. It's more of a casual thing these days. We both know we are horribly incompatible and it doesn't work as a relationship. Take that away and we enjoy each others company and have a great time together. My ex sent me about another 20 text messages last night saying various things.
SadGirl23 Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 i don't see why she would even bother with you! she must really give a shyt about you b/c the way you treated her, like she wasn't worth anything to keep the relationship.. hope she doesn't get with you and then drop you for someone else. :/ she misses you but will never trust you anymore.. don't let her fool herself.. she knows whats up.
TLCbear Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 I see her casually yes, I'm not with her as such. It's more of a casual thing these days. We both know we are horribly incompatible and it doesn't work as a relationship. Take that away and we enjoy each others company and have a great time together. My ex sent me about another 20 text messages last night saying various things. Ok, as long as you're both on the same wave length, I don't see a problem with it. Anyway, as for your ex, all I say is to figure out exactly what you want, don't play games with her, because it seems like she still want to be with you. Good luck.
Author Eternity001 Posted November 2, 2010 Author Posted November 2, 2010 Perhaps, I'm not quite sure what to make of it really. She sent messages such as "I would have stayed with you forever I reckon" and "just catch up with me once and if you don't like it I'll never bother you again" Along with various other things, part of me thinks it's just BS. I'm a bit apprehensive or quite a lot actually. I'm not really sure what to make of it. I get the feeling that if I see her it will just bring back emotions I don't need to deal with again or perhaps it might do the complete opposite and give me total closure. I guess I'm afraid of the former being the outcome and it screws me right up so I'm leaning towards doing nothing about it at this stage. She's been sending me random messages everyday since asking me how my day was etc. I haven't promised or said anything to her about catching up, mainly because I'm not sure if it will be overly beneficial to either of us.
nanana Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 You sound like my ex... comes back when I'm moving on, but when I start responding, backs off again. You started this thread saying you have regrets. Now you have the chance to spend time with her. I can understand why you don't think it will be beneficial to either of you. Maybe just tell her that, but please also explain that you do love her. Don't be cold or unfeeling. I think if you're this unsure about meeting up with her before even doing it, it might be a bad idea... Can I ask, since breaking up, have you guys had any bitterness or arguments?
Author Eternity001 Posted November 3, 2010 Author Posted November 3, 2010 (edited) I have always been aprehensive about meeting up with her and I have had countless chances to do so over the past 10 months. With her stuff being at my house still it's always an issue and something I wish I had done something about sooner. I know if I don't reply to her she'll just show up at my house being able to use that excuse that she is here to get her stuff. I have mainly avoided it because ex's in my opinion don't make friends and because there has always been emotions on both sides I just felt it would be a toxic situation. I have always been civil with her, never nasty. I haven't received the same in return, however. It's always been her asking me about who I'm with, how many girls I've been with etc - off handed insecure remarks like that. I have made a point of not telling her I've been with anyone to avoid any bitterness like that but she asks and throws it in my face nonetheless. So yeah, not quite sure what her motives are but I guess I'll find out, she wants to meet up this weekend. I think I'll do it just to get it out of the way. See what she wants and perhaps come to some sort of understanding. She tells me she genuinely misses me and wants to catch up just based on that, that's about all I have from her at this stage. She can't fathom why I wouldn't see her if I still care about her, the idea of it scares the **** out of me to be honest. Edited November 3, 2010 by Eternity001
Author Eternity001 Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 I'm not really the future looking type I can imagine doing things with her that we originally planned like travelling etc. That might just be because I've never really planned such things with anyone else. I don't know, I've never been this confused ever in my 27 years. I know if we ever did get back together the same old cracks would appear and I'd probably have to go through all this stuff again in a few months. At least then I'd know for sure, I suppose.
nanana Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Well it's good you've always been civil with her. That's the way my ex is with me too, and I tend to do what your ex does and make the insecure comments. When she makes those comments, do you tend to reassure her or do you let it go? Do her clingy behaviours not drive you away and was it the month of NC that got your interest back? In these 10 months have you ever gone through periods of feeling totally over her or not being in love with her anymore? Sorry for the questions. It's just your situation sounds almost identical to mine. Speaking on the other side of it, it probably is hard for her to understad how you can say you care but not want to be with her. It's confusing. If you meet up with her, be careful not to lead her on but also be aware that she will probably see this as a sign you're considering getting back together...
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