GooseChaser Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 (edited) I have an ex-best friend from high school who I have known for seven years now. He is a guy, and I am a girl. Our high school years were when we were closest. We liked each other back then, but we both hid it and it just didn't work out. We have been in college for three years now. I don't see him very often. I do have the opportunity to, however; I am welcome at his group of friends' weekly meetups at a coffee shop. I dislike going too often, though, because it makes things too easy for him. I would prefer if he made an effort and really wanted to see me in particular, because he values me as a friend. As for now, his attention is often focused on his girlfriend and other friends. At times it makes me feel as if he doesn't see me as worth his time, as if I am "lesser" compared to the others (which of course is untrue). I feel disposable, and it's a horrible way to feel, especially when this guy was my best friend in the past. He sure lost interest in me fast when I told him I was waiting until marriage for sex, though-- which I have since changed my mind about-- sorta shows what he really cared about. (I have a boyfriend now, so I have no interest in this guy.) He has good qualities. He is friendly, social, and funny. Way back when, we were there for each other. He still acts nice to me, as if he considers me a friend. On my part, I don't feel that closeness to him anymore. He could be unaware that I am upset about this. I feel that we hardly know each other anymore. We rarely talk, and when we do, it is at a very shallow level; nothing deep. Is this friendship worth saving? How would I approach the talk about our friendship with him in a non-threatening way? "I feel we have drifted apart"? "We never talk anymore, and I miss you"? "Can you help me revive our friendship? Let's work together towards that"? Edited October 26, 2010 by GooseChaser
Els Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 He sure lost interest in me fast when I told him I was waiting until marriage for sex, though-- which I have since changed my mind about-- sorta shows what he really cared about. (I have a boyfriend now, so I have no interest in this guy.) He lost interest in you as a FRIEND when you told him that??? Why do you even still want him as a friend? Friends remain friends despite the other person's sexual practices and beliefs, because it isn't any of their damn business. This guy was probably just trying to get easy sex, not friendship.
Author GooseChaser Posted October 26, 2010 Author Posted October 26, 2010 He lost interest in you as a FRIEND when you told him that??? Why do you even still want him as a friend? Friends remain friends despite the other person's sexual practices and beliefs, because it isn't any of their damn business. This guy was probably just trying to get easy sex, not friendship. Effectively, yes. After that exchange he started to avoid me for a while, which was confusing and hurtful for me. On one occasion I tried to get his attention since I was behind him, and he just kept walking-- fast, as if he had not heard me. (Yeah, right.) It was near the end of the school year. He had also wanted me to go to school in-state. I decided instead to choose the college that is across the country. I figured, he's just a friend, we have no real "future" together, and he has no right to make that important, life-altering decision for me. My choice there also upset him. He prefers when people are near. It's been a long time since then, so the timeline is fuzzy. After some time he stopped avoiding me. Maybe I showed him that I really did care as a friend. I wouldn't be surprised if you are right and he always had motives behind his friendliness. It's very... disillusioning. I do feel like he doesn't care about me as much as his other friends. I have asked family and friends for advice, and they think that he is so mentally occupied with his girlfriend that he is letting other parts of his life slip. We hardly talk anymore, even when I see him at his meetups. He never calls, he never texts, and he never invites me anywhere special-- just same old, same old. He knows nothing about me anymore, I know nothing about his life, and the divide only widens with time. Is it time to let it go?
Author GooseChaser Posted October 26, 2010 Author Posted October 26, 2010 Oh yeah, I just remembered a few more things. He really upset me around when I left for college that fall after graduation, which contributed to my going on a leave of absence, and we didn't patch things up until the spring of the next year. At one point I was going to his weekly meetup frequently, and for some reason he didn't like that and I believe he was trying to behave badly and upset me so I would stop coming. For example, he would flirt with me when we both knew he wasn't interested (it made me feel like an object), he would sometimes ignore me, and play around with other girls to mess with me. At one party, which I drove him to, he ignored me the whole time, kissed every girl he could find except me, cuddled for a long time on the couch with a new acquaintance of ours (later hurting her and making her feel led on), stayed way later than I wanted to, and by the end I was just exhausted and face-palming. My friend stood up for me and told him to shape up and that it was time to go home because I was tired, and he looked surprised and got ready to go, but not before saying goodbye to every guest still at the party. On the ride back I wouldn't speak to him. He KNEW very well that his behavior would upset me and make me jealous. At this time I actually hated him. To continue the first paragraph, because of that belief, I decided to be stubborn and just keep coming despite my frustration and anger. Eventually I just couldn't continue and started taking longer and longer breaks in between my visits. He did notice the change. Now I hardly go, and feel very little motivation to change that. The games seem to have stopped now too. As much of a history as we have, I wouldn't mind letting him loose and making new friends.
Author GooseChaser Posted October 26, 2010 Author Posted October 26, 2010 Haha, a bunch of stuff I'd forgotten is coming back to me! Maybe my mind blocked it out temporarily for my sanity.... During that time that I was so frustrated with him, I was actually chasing him. Of course, he was trying to show me that he wasn't interested and wanted me to stop. However, my thought process was along these lines: "He was so saaad that I was leaving, and oh look, I'm still here! It's now or never." I just had to try, whatever the cost. I wanted to give it my best shot, and then if I wasn't successful, I would let it go. If I decide that I don't even want to try to revive the friendship and that in my mind the friendship is over, do I need to tell him so, or is that unnecessary?
Els Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 Unnecessary. You really are thinking about it an awful lot though. Are you sure there isn't more to the story? I don't typically spend that much of my time thinking and posting about a 'friend' who can't be arsed about me.
Author GooseChaser Posted October 26, 2010 Author Posted October 26, 2010 (edited) Well, we barely see each other already, so that will make it much simpler. I really don't think about it that much anymore. I did think it all over very thoroughly back when the drama was going on a year ago. I guess I did that because I was getting over my feelings for him and was already concerned about the state of our friendship. I have a fantastic boyfriend now who is easily taking my mind off of my old feelings for my ex-best friend. As I said, I had actually forgotten a lot of the details of the story, and it came back to me last night due to thinking about this topic. I have never said anything about it to him, though; he could be oblivious to what's going through my mind. I don't think it's too surprising that I would think about this a lot. Most significantly, he used to be a very close friend of mine [with motives, pff], and it is understandably hard to lose a friendship like that. Maybe our relationship has just run its course. We had a good run. I guess now I just have to stay away and let it fade. Sounds like a good idea to me! I need friends that care! Edited October 26, 2010 by GooseChaser
KikiW Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 As I was reading your posts, it sounds like he was really trying very hard to get YOUR attention. By being an ass, yes, but the impression I get is that he REALLY liked you and wanted the same in return, even if he had to try and make you jealous or angry to do it. Unfortunately, you've made it clear that you aren't interested in a relationship, and while you valued your friendship with him and the time you spent together, he has pretty much gotten the hint that he's not getting anywhere with you. If he wanted to be your friend, he would be. He doesn't want that though, he wants more, and if he can't have that then there's no point in maintaining a friendship. It's ok to mourn the loss of your friendship, it does suck when you think you have something good and it turns out you were on different "levels" and you're not going to find the same level. But I think you should let it go. Maybe someday he will realize he ditched a good friend, but maybe not. No need to wait around for that.
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