silvermoon7 Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 (edited) My new boyfriend has never been in a relationship before, and has been rejected by women in the past. When I agreed to be his girlfriend, he started crying. On our second date, he confessed his love to me and started crying intensely, because he said that I am everything he has been looking for in a woman. We've only been dating for a short period of time, but he's already cried nearly ten times ('out of happiness,' he says), and it's beginning to make me feel uncomfortable. I feel like I'm the man in this relationship sometimes, even though I'm a woman. Is it normal for a man to be this emotional? He is unlike any man I have ever dated, and yet he has been very kind to me. He tells me I'm amazing and beautiful every day, and writes me love letters and poems. However, I can't help but feel weighed down by the intensity of his emotion. I feel that I should also question if his feelings are genuine, considering that he said that he loved me on our second date, despite the fact that we had only known each other for a week before we started dating. I don't even know if I love him, because everything is happening too quickly. Nonetheless, I'm beginning to feel like he feels much more strongly about me than I feel about him. I want to give him a chance, but at the same time, his emotional nature makes me feel uncomfortable when he cries. I told him this politely, and he told me that he felt it was irritating that I wasn't flattered when he was crying, because he was 'pouring out his heart to me' and showing me that he trusts me enough to be completely open with me. Is this normal behavior? I'm a bit perplexed, because I've never encountered a man like him before. He's a bit of a recluse with very few friends, so perhaps his intense emotions are to compensate for his lack of social experience. Edited October 26, 2010 by silvermoon7
Green Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 It all comes down to attraction. If all his crying leaves you wanting to dump him then you shouldn't feel bad to do so. If you are intreagued and want to keep dating him more then you want to dump him then go ahead. being overemotional around you is kind of disrespectful.
Feelin Frisky Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 This IS unusual. I can cry with joy at something that really moves me but acting that way and professing love after two dates is strange. Either he's been terribly abused and affection is something so foreign to him that he is moved to tears or perhaps he has some kind of birth syndrome like Aspergers where he has a social disconnect which, in Aspergers, often gets people who don't know the syndrome very angry and impatient towards a sufferer. I have a nephew with it and the condition in his case manifests as him always asking questions but he doesn't understand what listening to the answers and relating them into understanding means nor does he consider that people are investing their time in him and expect some validation because of it. He is insatiable and relentless in his questioning which no one can satisfy. So people get angry, shun him, make fun of him and talk about him with contempt. I could see that him getting some affection from a girl might shock his world because he's used to nothing but contempt. Maybe I'm totally wrong--just trying to suggest possibilities. Good luck.
Surrealist Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 Definitely strange, too much emotion invested too soon by the look of it. What stands out as a concern is not only the short amount of time you've been together, but his persistent display of emotions of which it seems he expects you to accommodate. Now when you told him that his crying is making you feel uncomfortable, he should of well respected that. The overwhelming display of emotions together with the hastened progression of the relationship at such at early stage is a big red flag. I think you're fair to give him a chance, but be on the look out for selfish and / or abusive behavior. Believe it or not, people who exhibit such emotions and a sworn love for someone so prematurely in a relationship have the potential to become abusive because they are more concerned with fulfilling their own infatuations and fantasies. Hope this helps.
Tim The Enchanter Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 He sounds like he's been kept in solitary confinement for his entire life. It also sounds like he's trying to emotionally blackmail you, which is obviously a big red flag. Tell him that he needs professional help.
loverofloveandstuff Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 He sounds like one of those guys that would threaten self harm if you ever left him. Do you actually still feel attracted to him after all the crying? I would lose all sense of attraction to someone who was that emotional and desperate - no matter what he looked like and his other personality traits. I would dump this guy in a heartbeat.
OceanGirl Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 If a guy cried that early on, I would never be able to have sex with him again.
Sivok Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 He's definitely foreign to love. And if you're his first relationship ever, he's overwhelmed with feelings he's never felt before. Also, if he really doesn't have many friends... Then his entire life (if not physically, then mentally) is going to revolve around you. If this is a level of emotion you feel you might be able to meet eventually, then stick around. If not, well, it's only going to get worse. He already seems unhealthily attached to you, and I don't see that getting any better - he'll just grow more codependent and obsessive about you. Oh, and yes, even at this point, if you do dump him - expect him to bug you for weeks or months to come. It's like that facebook group, 'I hate it when you're nice to the weird kid and he ends up stalking your life'
OceanGirl Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 He's definitely foreign to love. And if you're his first relationship ever, he's overwhelmed with feelings he's never felt before. Also, if he really doesn't have many friends... Then his entire life (if not physically, then mentally) is going to revolve around you. If this is a level of emotion you feel you might be able to meet eventually, then stick around. If not, well, it's only going to get worse. He already seems unhealthily attached to you, and I don't see that getting any better - he'll just grow more codependent and obsessive about you. Oh, and yes, even at this point, if you do dump him - expect him to bug you for weeks or months to come. It's like that facebook group, 'I hate it when you're nice to the weird kid and he ends up stalking your life' So true. There is a guy I met over 9 years ago that had no friends and I felt sorry for him and became his friend. He ended up developing a crush on me and calling me/e-mailing/wanting to come over all the time. I finally had to cut off all contact. That was 5 years ago. He still comments on EVERY single status on my FB, on every picture, he sends me cards for every single birthday and Christmas and tries to befriend my friends to keep tabs on me. At this point I feel like he will do this for life...
Angel1111 Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 I think he's got big problems. I dated a guy once who told me he loved me on the 2nd date, sent me roses every week we were together (3 wks), and when I ended the relationship with him, he went completely off his rocker - calling me about 40 times a day, threatening me, calling my office and leaving messages, writing letters to my family (he got their address info off of caller ID) - in general, freaking me out. I finally had to call the police. I also changed the account number on every one of my credit cards because I didn't know the extent of what he might've done when I wasn't looking. I got the impression that he was quite experienced at terrorizing women once they dumped him. Men like this are way too insecure and intense. He's screwed up and he's manipulating you with tears. It's not possible for him to be in love with you by a second date, unless he knew you previously. He's just looking for someone to latch onto. Also, guys who move really fast usually are the verbally/physically abusive type. They want to hook you into a relationship very quickly, make you feel overwhelmed with attention, etc., and then later the nightmare begins. This is not a man you'll ever be able to lean on, but he'll continually lean on you and suck you dry of every ounce of energy you have. If I were you, I would walk. Just be prepared for a great deal of drama if you do.
Author silvermoon7 Posted October 26, 2010 Author Posted October 26, 2010 He sounds like one of those guys that would threaten self harm if you ever left him. Do you actually still feel attracted to him after all the crying? I would lose all sense of attraction to someone who was that emotional and desperate - no matter what he looked like and his other personality traits. I would dump this guy in a heartbeat. This is exactly what I'm worried about. He told me that there was a period of time shortly before he met me where he was so depressed (from constant rejection) that he had briefly considered killing himself. I'm beginning to realize that I don't think I can be with someone like him in the long-term, but I am a bit worried about the drama that will ensue if I break up with him. I am starting to lose attraction for him, due to the crying. Sometimes he kisses me profusely when he cries, which makes me feel even more uncomfortable, even though he seems to be unaware of this.
Angel1111 Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 This is exactly what I'm worried about. He told me that there was a period of time shortly before he met me where he was so depressed (from constant rejection) that he had briefly considered killing himself. I'm beginning to realize that I don't think I can be with someone like him in the long-term, but I am a bit worried about the drama that will ensue if I break up with him. I am starting to lose attraction for him, due to the crying. Sometimes he kisses me profusely when he cries, which makes me feel even more uncomfortable, even though he seems to be unaware of this. I hate to say it but I believe that's part of his game - to make you shy away from breaking up with him because you fear what he might do. The thing about kissing you profusely when he's crying - that would completely turn me off. This guy has several screws loose.
Author silvermoon7 Posted October 27, 2010 Author Posted October 27, 2010 I hate to say it but I believe that's part of his game - to make you shy away from breaking up with him because you fear what he might do. The thing about kissing you profusely when he's crying - that would completely turn me off. This guy has several screws loose. I don't think he is intentionally manipulating me, but on a subconscious level, it's definitely a possibility. He is really kind and seemingly normal in most ways, except for when he is way too emotional and expressive. He was bullied as a child, and isolated himself for many years as a result. He's spent most of his life alone, in his room (on the computer). It seems that this could definitely have influenced his mental state and behavior. I honestly think that he thinks it's normal to regularly cry and pour his heart out to me. I don't know exactly how bullying and isolation can affect someone's mental state, but I feel like his past has affected him more than he realizes.
strength-abounds Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Welcome silvermoon. I apologize if this sounds contentful or hateful but Charles Manson is more emotionally sound than this dude is. Run away and run fast. Good Luck.
Author silvermoon7 Posted October 27, 2010 Author Posted October 27, 2010 Welcome silvermoon. I apologize if this sounds contentful or hateful but Charles Manson is more emotionally sound than this dude is. Run away and run fast. Good Luck. I'm starting to feel like I should run away. He's incredibly nice to me though, and we share a ton of common interests. He's also extremely loyal, which is hard to find in a relationship sometimes. He said he would do anything for me, and I was flattered by his words. I just feel that his overemotional nature is putting a strain on our relationship. I've never met a man who cries this often and confesses his feelings so quickly. I just don't understand why he can't see how abnormal his behavior is, and how uncomfortable it makes me feel.
Green Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 I'm starting to feel like I should run away. He's incredibly nice to me though, and we share a ton of common interests. He's also extremely loyal, which is hard to find in a relationship sometimes. He said he would do anything for me, and I was flattered by his words. I just feel that his overemotional nature is putting a strain on our relationship. I've never met a man who cries this often and confesses his feelings so quickly. I just don't understand why he can't see how abnormal his behavior is, and how uncomfortable it makes me feel. In the end this is all about ATTRACTION. It's not like he is your husband who sudenly broke down and cried infront of you... he is a brand new boyfriend who really needs to be on his "A" game and showing you the best version of himself. It's actualy kinder that you just dump him if you arn't romanticly interested then continue dating him because you feel sorry for him. You really should not feel sorry for him or worry about him. If you respectfuly tell him that you don't want to date anymore and he tries to hold you emotialy hostage by shaming you, or guilting you, or threatning harm on himself ect... that is on him and you shouldn't feel guilty about that. You date some one in the begining because its fun, and most important you are attracted. If you were attracted to this guy he could tell you that he was about to go fight a rival gang leader and steal a valuable diamond from a museum and you would just be hotter for him. But in your case you are not attracted so you are on here only because you feel guilty for not being attracted. Look it would be easier to dump him if he was cheating or threatning you ect... but being unatractive because you cry a lot is as good a reason as any to dump a person. Some girl out there will find his crying attractive... better yet he won't make the same mistakes he made with you with the next girl and she will be attracted and want to keep dating him.
Author silvermoon7 Posted October 27, 2010 Author Posted October 27, 2010 In the end this is all about ATTRACTION. It's not like he is your husband who sudenly broke down and cried infront of you... he is a brand new boyfriend who really needs to be on his "A" game and showing you the best version of himself. It's actualy kinder that you just dump him if you arn't romanticly interested then continue dating him because you feel sorry for him. You really should not feel sorry for him or worry about him. If you respectfuly tell him that you don't want to date anymore and he tries to hold you emotialy hostage by shaming you, or guilting you, or threatning harm on himself ect... that is on him and you shouldn't feel guilty about that. You date some one in the begining because its fun, and most important you are attracted. If you were attracted to this guy he could tell you that he was about to go fight a rival gang leader and steal a valuable diamond from a museum and you would just be hotter for him. But in your case you are not attracted so you are on here only because you feel guilty for not being attracted. Look it would be easier to dump him if he was cheating or threatning you ect... but being unatractive because you cry a lot is as good a reason as any to dump a person. Some girl out there will find his crying attractive... better yet he won't make the same mistakes he made with you with the next girl and she will be attracted and want to keep dating him. For his sake, I hope that some girl finds his crying attractive, because I certainly don't. I think he just lacks a lot of awareness in terms of what is considered to be normal behavior. For instance, he tells me that he cries because he thinks I'd appreciate it. *sigh* I found him attractive at first, and his personality endearing. It's too bad his crying and constant attention is so emotionally draining.
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