I'm back, divorced now, What a ride. (long read)

[Just_Me_Again]

Hi everyone. I was here a long time ago when I felt my husband and I would split. I came seeking advice because my husband didn’t want any physical contact with me for several years. It’s quite common to hear of women who are cold and distant, but when a man doesn’t want anything physical, its very hard to understand and even more difficult to live with.

I can’t remember my nickname when I was here, I think it was something like “one foot out“. Because I was ready to leave, but trying so hard to save it.

 

Well, he finally got honest with me in Feb of 2009. He told me he was never in love with me, never attracted to me, and only wanted to have a help mate. He admitted that he got with me initially to escape his family’s constant chaos. This was quite a blow, but it sure explained all the birthday excuses, neglect, isolation, and loneliness of the marriage. Neither of us ever cheated, and now that we are divorced, we are both still single and alone. He loves his life, and mine is killing me.

 

When he first left, he was helping us with $100 a week for the 2 little ones. That didn’t last long because he decided he would float around and try out diff jobs a while. Then every time I asked for help all I got was an excuse. Through it all, I tried to be patient and understanding and even supportive of him finding what he wanted in life. I encouraged regular visits with the kids and made sure they saw him as often as possible.

 

About July of 2009, he decided to buy a house. It was a big beautiful place, everything “our” dream house was that we had talked about all those years. It wasn’t for his family though. It was for him and his mother. He didn’t have a dime to help us, but he gave her everything I had always wanted. We were still legally married at that point, and it really hurt that he would do this for her. It hurt that he walked away with so little effort after I spent 12+ years trying to fix things. He didn’t even try to fix it, he just left.

 

I was still in the same rental house we had lived in all that time, and I still had the same bills that we had as a couple. I was struggling and juggling to keep things paid. At one point, I couldn’t make a payment for the power that had already been on a payment plan. It was cut off on Sept 12th, and me and the kids lived without it until 2 days before Thanksgiving.

 

The ex wouldn’t help with the payment, or help to restore it once it was off. He was too busy paying the new mortgage and the new fancy cell phones and satellite services for him and his mother. Me and the kids managed cooking on a kerosene heater and using oil lamps. I made it as fun and normal as I could for them. We had a battery radio and danced around a lot those days.

 

Through it all, I was still being civil with him and believing that he would make good on things as soon as he got settled. He never did. It was humiliating to keep asking for his help week after week only to hear a promise I know was just another lie. I lost my patience with him one day at the bank cashing our last tax return check.

 

He had promised for months to give me half of it to make up for all the months he hadn’t helped and to get us on our feet again. I was so relieved to finally be getting it. He got the cash in his hand and counted out $1500 of an $8500 check. I was stunned when he handed it to me. I asked him where was my HALF, and he tossed out some BS about him owing his mother some money and some bills he had to catch up. I stood there is disbelief and felt a rage inside me that I had never felt. I didn’t say another word and took the kids and left. I took that $1500 and hired an attorney.

 

I knew he would never hire one, and if it was left to him, we’d never be divorced. I filed for the divorce, custody, and child support - as much as the law would allow. I got the settlement, and full custody of the kids. He never contested it. Well, a paper order doesn’t make money appear. I finally lost the struggle with the bills and was evicted from the house I had lived at for 12 years.

 

I wasn’t behind on rent, but the neighbors kept complaining about the grass being high, or the trash in a pile. I was broke. I couldn’t afford to pay anyone to mow, or buy a mower, or pay trash service. I didn’t even have $5 to put gas in my car and was stuck home a month. No one around me would help me, so I lost the house by breaking the lease on grounds of not keeping up the property.

 

Well, I was broke. I live on a disability income for some physical health issues, and there just wasn’t enough to move into another place. There was no housing assistance because even the waiting lists were closed. The only option I had was to move from North Carolina to Michigan where my oldest son lives.

 

Me, my 2 little ones, the dog, and the cat are living in a room in my sons house. That’s where I am today. This is what happens when one leaves everything on the other and dances around carefree without helping and stepping up to his or her responsibilities.

 

This is the first time in my life I have not been able to land on my feet, or have a place on my own. It’s humbling to be so poor and so stuck. I don’t know how to get on my feet again. I just started getting child support 3 weeks ago, and already came up short one of those weeks. We are 10 hours away from where we were. He won’t make the trip here to see the kids, and I can’t afford to make the trip there unless the money gets regular.

 

The kids both have birthdays and of course Christmas coming up. I’ll do my best for them as always. I still encourage the ex to stay in contact with them. I try to get him to phone and talk to them regularly and told him several times he is welcome to come see them. He seems to be fine with the way things are, and it doesn’t seem to bother him not to be seeing them on weekends like he use to.

 

As for me. I’m struggling on the inside now. I don’t know how to get on my feet again. I really have no idea where to start. Everyone says save money, but you can’t save what you don’t have. I still have bills to pay - car ins, car loan, storage fees, cell phone. There’s very little left to get needs like toiletries and things. Nothing left to save up.

 

I am also lonely as hell, but I have no idea how to trust anyone again. I am finding it hard to make a friend in real life (not online) much less letting anyone close enough to date. Yes, I have baggage, we all do if we’re honest, but I try to keep the past in the past. I’m 43 years old, out of shape, with 2 kids under 5. There’s not many men in my category to pick from. I feel like I’m damaged goods to be truthful.

 

The few men I have met in the last couple years gave me all the lines and only wanted a one night stand. I’m not like that. I want a mate for the long run. Even if we never marry, I want commitment and faithfulness, because I have 2 small kids to raise and need someone to be there the whole way for all of us, not just me. I don’t want them hurt again, so I stay alone rather than risking it.

 

Also, my life is such a mess right now, who would understand? Who would jump in the chaos and wade through it with me? I’m so alone, but so terrified to try again. The last decade of my life was all based on lies, how the hell will I ever trust what anyone says to me again?? I guess it will take actions and not words. Someone is going to have to show me one of these days… if there is even anyone out there for me.

 

Well, anyway, that’s my story and where I am today. I’m living in a corner of my sons house while my ex is living in our dream house when he’s not out on the road living his dream of being a trucker. I don’t like being single. I never wanted to be single. I’m glad he’s gone and glad that misery is over, but nothing’s changed for me I’m still lonely and still broke, and still struggling.

[Just_Me_Again]

I was OneFootOut here before if anyone recalls or wants to look it up. I found it and have been reading back through mysef

[The-Zen-Warrior]

Just_Me_Again :

 

Wow, this was a good "bringing us all up to speed" report. I'm sorry that everything that is taking place with you is happening. Now mind you, my marriage and divorce story is way different from yours, but being divorced I understand the nature of the beast.

 

Rarely do I get that upset with anything I read here on L.S., but your story here pushed some buttons. I totally resent the fact that your ex-Husband will not help you at all. I think it's sick that a man who helped father two kids into the world, won't go out of his way to still be in their lives. I also think it is without honor that this man would let you fall on your a** and lose just about everything, mainly that rental home for you and more importantly the children.

 

This is a hard situation that your ex-Husband helped to put you in! I personally feel that your ex-Husband should have rather purchased maybe a more cheaper new home for himself and his Mother, not gone so lavish on himself with the satellite television services and what not's! I would have kept it simple, affordable with enough money left over to mail off at least a couple hundred dollars a month for child support, and maybe a couple hundred dollars a month for alimony. This ex-Husband of yours sounds like a real cheap skate when it comes to his obligations as a former Husband and current Father.

 

I've never really been in your current situation! During my divorce everything pretty much went "my way", I kept the house, one of the cars, 50% custody of my kid, no real standard of living decrease, mine went well, yours sounds like a nightmare. Maybe you have already done some research and or foot work to try and help remedy your problem. But I would recommend investigating some low income housing in your area. Maybe even look into a program that they call here in Sacramento Calif. "section 8". Also seeing that you said you are on State Disability and get a check once a month, maybe contact your S.S.D.I. worker and try to enroll in some sort of "food stamp" program or low income food support program. Also if your State is anything like California, look into their low income or S.S.D.I. car insurance program. Here in California the state allows those who are on special programs to be able to purchase State car insurance, on a "sliding scale" payment plan. Also you might want to look into some type of female support groups in your area, some here in my town are always ready to offer up a couple free bags of food, a bag of free cloths and sometimes vouchers for food at restaurants and such.

 

Last, seeing that your ex-Husband has a judgment against him that was awarded to you in divorce court, start to hard press the court system! Contact the court and or county clerks office and address the plight of your current situation. See if there might be anyway for the courts or clerks office to put some pressure on your ex-Husband to be more diligent when it comes to doing the right thing! Also after a certain period of time, if you feel that your ex-Husband is in anyway in violation to the terms and agreements that were hashed out in court, file a report on him. Sometimes the courts just don't work for you to get you divorced, sometimes they still have to work for you, "after the fact" as to help enforce court judgments and laws to the divorced.

 

I really do wish you all the best right now, sorry I couldn't come up with a magic rabbit and pull it out of my hat here, but maybe this information will give you a good start.

 

Take care, and keep posting here on L.S., keep us all in the loop!

[PWSX3]

I don't know your area, but I know there are some good church's out there that would help....

 

Sorry to hear about your story...