dingdong Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 I'm having real bother with trying to start again with my ex after a lot of problems. He wants to spend time with me, he wants to spend time on msn and emailing and chatting on the phone. He says he will do anything to fix everything that's happened and he's talking about moving house to be closer to me. The problem I am having is that he says he needs 'space'. I asked him what this means to him and he says he needs the space to work out what he wants and how he feels about me and if i am 'THE ONE'. I asked him if he wants me to stop contacting him or us to stop seeing one another and he said no. I am totally confused and what he is meaning, to me 'space' means NC and to break up. If anyone could give me some advice I would really appreciate it.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 In this case, 'space' sounds like he doesn't want more than you already have. 'Space' is the hole where commitment should be, in other words.
iknow Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 I mean, I am not sure what your relationship is like but I thought mine was perfect and then one day he said he needed space and it was NC and then the ultimate break up... I really hope yours is different, best of luck!
Feelin Frisky Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Issues of "space" resolve themselves when both partners in a relationship have balanced lives with separate interests other than each other. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is often true as "wanting" stays fresh rather than merely "having". If one has no other interests and no sense of fulfillment on his or her own except the other person they fancy, then it becomes unfair to the other person to have to take on the yolk of accommodating big new expectations. Can one really love someone else for who they are if he or she wants them to forget who they are and become a full time reciprocator? The answer I hope to convey is not to give someone else space, it is to develop interests and a sense of identity in which "space" also seems to be something of value which one needs for him or her self.
Author dingdong Posted October 26, 2010 Author Posted October 26, 2010 In this case, 'space' sounds like he doesn't want more than you already have. 'Space' is the hole where commitment should be, in other words. What do you mean? Do you mean he just wants things to stay as they are and for him to never commit to me? He is totally breaking my heart every day with this, to me space means it's over. He can't seem to communicate to me what he actually means. Today I asked him if he wants me to just leave him and leave it for good, I have given him countless options to get rid of me the easy way, I told him if he just tells me he doesn't want me then I will leave him alone and he won't take these options, he just keeps saying the same thing that he wants time to 'sort himself out' i ask him what he needs to do and he says 'i dont know' so its leaving him in control of the whole situation. he has agreed to come out with me at the weekend but as he says 'we are taking it easy' even though he was here for the whole of last weekend and ended up sleeping together. I really don't know what's going on and i'm falling to pieces over this.
tgr172 Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 Feelin Frisky has given you some solid advice. I think the point is that you need to want to have space also. Its not just a one way street. He now is the total focus of your free time. Find things or friends who require some of your time also... and give it to it or them. 2 reasons why this is good for you and the relationship. #1 sometimes guys to feel suffocated if a woman is constantly in need of attention, they feel like they are already married with children. Give it to him but not in a manner where you are sitting around pining over him. There is interest there on his part. So that gives you a chance to have your "me" time. #2 Once he sees that you are having fun with other people without him he will feel a need for you to get your enjoyment from him... If he cares. Call it jelousy if you will. I would suggest giving him some of your time if he wants it but if there is a conflict between schedules then dont always default to his desires. I recommend in those cases you tell him that you have already made plans and it would be rude to "dis" the other things but if you want we can make plans for the next day or the weekend. This way it puts you in control without just dumping him. He will think about you more and may not want to have as much space. lol. although you both will need some. another reason is if he turns out to not be interested you will already have a life of your own and it wont feel as bad. which will bother him even more. Trust me on this.
Author dingdong Posted October 26, 2010 Author Posted October 26, 2010 tgr172, I think you are right. You are all right. The thing I have the most trouble with is that I feel that he is calling the shots. He has commitment issues and is just using this as another way to stall everything. Him stalling over his divorce is what caused most of the problems in the first place. I think I would prefer if he said that we were back together again and just make it clear to everyone that we were taking it really slow. I don't like this feeling that he has a girlfriend from me but I am not getting a boyfriend back in return. I was on the phone to him earlier there and I had spoken about him coming away with me at xmas time. He said he thinks this is too soon and so I asked him what the time frame is then and he said he doens't know. It's like he wants a casual relationship from me without the commitment and he will then decide if he wants to commit to me from that or something. Surely after 3 and a half years this is not acceptable? I am all over the place with this, I am sorry If I am rambling
Livelovelearn Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 In my experience, with my first love, he used this on me around feb-march. I didnt know what he met as it was my first relationship. At the time he was going through alot in his life, and yes thats legit but also we were having problems and instead of normally working things out he did something else. It meant he wanted to see what else is out there but he was trying to let me down easily so that if things didnt work out with the other girls i was still there. And yes other women are involved because my ex told me this when he was dating another girl that he met on an online dating site and they moved fairly fast. First date he asked her to be his gf, she initiated sex. Clearly it was his way of controlling the only thing he had control over in his life. So take it from me, dump him before he dumps you and you find out that theres another woman and you turn into the ex girlfriend who cant let go because at one point i was like this. Good luck
lapse Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 space: the place of amorphous boundaries where people can shapeshift, disappear and reappear indefinitely Go ahead and give him the Bermuda Triangle if that's what he wants. Here's what I see: you want to follow his lead, you want him to be the leader because he's the one whose wants are uncertain. However, here's the thing: if you've ever been in a vehicle with someone who is navigating, but doesn't know where they're going, you get this feeling of anxiety when they say, "Oh, let's turn here... oh wait, no, turn around... this isn't right... let's try this road." Adventuring together is great, but when one of you knows where you want to go and the other just wants to toil around, the whole journey gets muggled. "Space" is where a lot of people go when they're floating along in a handbasket. So here's what I'm saying - my advice to you would be to take up the reins of *your* life and start filling your days with activities that you enjoy. Alone or with friends. Let him toil as he may, but don't leave your schedule open for him. This is not a way to get revenge for his uncertainty - it's a way for you to continue to enjoy your life and ensure that his uncertainty does not continue to affect you negatively. Additionally (and I hesitate to point this out because I would love to see you living your life for you and you alone), this retaking control of your life and determining your own direction will set a positive example for this guy. Obviously he is feeling quite flaky (not the Leader you are craving right now) and is uncertain about who he is. *You* living a full, vibrant life shows that you know who you are; and, my sense based on what you have posted, is that he feels overwhelmed with you playing follow the leader when he has no clue who he is... how, then, can he show you who you are? So. Given that his boundaries are unclear right now, you need to establish your own personal boundaries. e.g., "This is where I begin and he ends." And hopefully that boundary is clear and big enough that *you* define yourself as someone who is living her life fully and independently. Personally (and I'm projecting here so it may not be appropriate to your situation), I would not continue having sex with this guy because it is detrimental to your emotional health. To me, sex is the dissolution of boundaries, especially where emotions are present, and therefore something I do with someone I trust. And I can only trust someone who knows where they are and where they stand in relation to me. Can you trust someone who has told you they don't know who they are or how they feel? Anyway, I wouldn't say that you need to break up with him (unless you just feel like this situation is getting under your skin too much, which may be the case). I just think you need to start living *your* life and dreams and desires without letting him play such a significant role in them. It's hard to do when he's all you think about, but I think it is a *must* - it also serves as a positive role model for this guy who is floating around in his poorly crafted handbasket.
SithLord Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 If he wants space tell him to join NASA! Lol. All jokes aside, space means he wants to do his own thing and have his cake. Agreed to it and act fine with it and disappear off the face of the earth. Get into no contact mode right away. Trust me u r no exception to the cosmos and rules of the game.
valpre Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 space: the place of amorphous boundaries where people can shapeshift, disappear and reappear indefinitely Go ahead and give him the Bermuda Triangle if that's what he wants. Here's what I see: you want to follow his lead, you want him to be the leader because he's the one whose wants are uncertain. However, here's the thing: if you've ever been in a vehicle with someone who is navigating, but doesn't know where they're going, you get this feeling of anxiety when they say, "Oh, let's turn here... oh wait, no, turn around... this isn't right... let's try this road." Adventuring together is great, but when one of you knows where you want to go and the other just wants to toil around, the whole journey gets muggled. "Space" is where a lot of people go when they're floating along in a handbasket. So here's what I'm saying - my advice to you would be to take up the reins of *your* life and start filling your days with activities that you enjoy. Alone or with friends. Let him toil as he may, but don't leave your schedule open for him. This is not a way to get revenge for his uncertainty - it's a way for you to continue to enjoy your life and ensure that his uncertainty does not continue to affect you negatively. Additionally (and I hesitate to point this out because I would love to see you living your life for you and you alone), this retaking control of your life and determining your own direction will set a positive example for this guy. Obviously he is feeling quite flaky (not the Leader you are craving right now) and is uncertain about who he is. *You* living a full, vibrant life shows that you know who you are; and, my sense based on what you have posted, is that he feels overwhelmed with you playing follow the leader when he has no clue who he is... how, then, can he show you who you are? So. Given that his boundaries are unclear right now, you need to establish your own personal boundaries. e.g., "This is where I begin and he ends." And hopefully that boundary is clear and big enough that *you* define yourself as someone who is living her life fully and independently. Personally (and I'm projecting here so it may not be appropriate to your situation), I would not continue having sex with this guy because it is detrimental to your emotional health. To me, sex is the dissolution of boundaries, especially where emotions are present, and therefore something I do with someone I trust. And I can only trust someone who knows where they are and where they stand in relation to me. Can you trust someone who has told you they don't know who they are or how they feel? Anyway, I wouldn't say that you need to break up with him (unless you just feel like this situation is getting under your skin too much, which may be the case). I just think you need to start living *your* life and dreams and desires without letting him play such a significant role in them. It's hard to do when he's all you think about, but I think it is a *must* - it also serves as a positive role model for this guy who is floating around in his poorly crafted handbasket. Great post Lapse, agree with every word.
Author dingdong Posted October 27, 2010 Author Posted October 27, 2010 lapse, I totally agree with what you are saying. I think just now we are split up though and he just wants me stringing along to an extent. On his terms. i have plans to see him on Saturday and after which I have started drafting an email to him to explain my feelings. I am not happy with the way he is behaving right now and wanting me to hang about while he decides to 'sort himself out' whatever he means by that I have no idea. i think there is just too much indecision with him and it's driving me insane. I need to take some control back into the situation but also I want him to come back to me. I suppose no matter what I do I can never guarantee that will happen
coltsfan1 Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 when I needed space while me and my ex where together it was only to do things for me, ie gym, study, clean my place/guns/car. It was never to be out doing things that where dishonest!! that is just me I hope you know him well enough to vouch for his actions, if you have a bad feeling then you might need to listen to it!
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