smk Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Where do I start - I did something I am not proud of this weekend... I burnt lots of bridges with people who care about me... It was my birthday this weekend and all along I had planned drink myself to a stupor this weekend - why I don't know... Anyways I started on Friday night and managed a bottle of whiskey (not good) then I continued that on Saturday at a party that I had to go to where the ex was also going to be there... Cut w long story short and I am standing at the bar and I turn around and who do I see standing next to me? Yup you guessed it - the ex - we didn't speak or acknowledge each other though - anyways that kinda set off a chain of events - I got a little emotional and punched a wall, then after a while I was picking fights with random people and ended picking s fight with one of my closest friends (he calmed me down eventually), jumped out of a slowly moving car at 3:00 am and almost got knifed, then came home. I continued thedeinking yesterday and ended up going bar hopping on my own and then proceeded at 3:00am to somehow find my way home, at home I got into a huge argument with my family and proceeded to say some very nasty things to them which I am not proud off, and then stormed out the house and somehow managed to get to work and sleep in the basement until office hours started. I have apologised to everyone but I know I can't take back the things I said and now I feel like the lowest level of scum on the planet at this very moment and wish I could disappear into oblivion. I have realised though that I need to lay off the juice completely for a long long long time... In the past 4 months I have become someone I truly dislike and despise. My family and friends who have done so much for me yet I treat em like crap even though I know they are going through so much of their own stuff... Argh I just keep on pushing everyone away, and I am actually more at ease with people I don't know.... Sorry for the rant i just needed to vent and despise myself....
HighPlainsDrifter Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Hey SMK. Haven't seen you for a while as I've been absent myself. I know we were/are both going through some ***** at about the same time. I hear you about getting to the anger stage. I have been getting there at times myself. I don't take it out on people though, but just have so much anger pent up inside me. Yep, the sauce is very evil when you are in these moods, let alone whiskey. That's gotta be the worst. All you can do is apologize to everyone and explain where it came from and hope they'll understand. Sorry man. Sounds like you had a down day. I hate the roller coaster as well, but the roller coaster only goes faster with whiskey. If you have to have anything, maybe have a beer or two. It's best to have none of course, but a couple beers won't make you lose control like that. It's best to have nothing of course, but at least with a beer, for me anyway, it mellows me out a tad. If I have too many, then I get hungover and depressed the next day. Alcohol is evil when your like this man. Believe me... I know...
GrayClouds Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 Action speaks louder then words, if you are sorry about your behavior you need to show them that you are, in this case time to seriously think about giving up drink for a good long time, maybe forever.
PegNosePete Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 Dude...! You need to stop that drinking! Pretend you're allergic or something, maybe you are allergic since it seems to do very nasty things to you! Could even try AA, even if you're not technically addicted, you are having problems caused by alcohol. And belated happy birthday
Author smk Posted October 26, 2010 Author Posted October 26, 2010 @ HPD - yeah i know i have been off for a while - havent really posted much - been devoting all my free time to the gym... good to see you are doing better too... whats been going with you??? the thing is the last 8 weeks i had been pretty good with every thing - wasnt thinking about her too much and just moving forward - she broke NC a couple of times for work reasons and I was civil and thats it - i broke NC one because i found out her mum was unwell and wishing her well nothing too loong just a simple txt msg. i have been doing ok with the booze as well, not drinking too much, been working out 5 times a week for 2hours each time, so lots of change there too, and then all of a sudden this happened and made realise that i really need to lay off the juice... as GC suggested i think thats the one action that will speak the loudest, i am going to try and attend a few AA meetings - and just take thinkgs from there... @ GC - you have been off for a while, i hope all is well with you. @ Pete - hows it gong dude??? yeah i know i need to lay off the juice, and this time i am sticking to the commitment, after the stunt i pulled this weekend the only way i am going to be able to make amends is by showing all the people i hurt that i can give up the juice for a while. i think i kinda realistic that i may still be grieving and have been keeping things inside and the volcano kinda erupted... still not an excuse. things is i have never been an angry drunk, i was always a happy drunk and this just shocked me...
PegNosePete Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 I am doing good... survived a wedding (without screaming "DON'T DO IT") and actually had a good time. Keeping busy with new things, taken up the piano, kept up the gym, amateur dramatics, playing a lot of Halo Reach and Dead Rising 2 and finally gotten around to watching SG-1... so definitely keeping busy. I'd recommend a bit of variety... the gym is good but 2 hours 5 days a week seems a little excessive. Take up some other activities too On the bad side my ex is trying to gouge £10,000 out of me and there is a good chance she'll get quite a bit, even though IMO she deserves nothing at all, the law sucks sometimes. But that's life I guess, easy come easy go. We were meant to be going to Mexico for our 1st anniversary, on the very day hurricane Paula struck! Now if that's not a sign then I don't know what is
Author smk Posted October 26, 2010 Author Posted October 26, 2010 @pete -it's good to hear that you're doing well and keeping busy. I am still running 5 miles a day at lunch followed by some serious weight training it seems to be the only thing keeping me sane at the moment and work. Back to the topic at hand I went to an AA meeting today and am going to keep at them... I honestly thought that I was doing pretty well then I go and pull a stunt like this...
HopeLove Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 Hi SMK, I agree 100% with GrayClouds. Hope you'll feel better soon.
HighPlainsDrifter Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Hey smk, Yeah, well everythings not roses by any means, but I'm starting week 8 of nc and trying to get over this obsessive bs. Some days are still a roller coaster, but I've been trying to talk things out with a counselor and my friends and that helps. I do go out every so often and toss back a few, sometimes too many, but I'm learnin that's not the way to go. The next day is just so much worse. I'm going to vegas this w-end though with a buddy to just get the f out of town. Basketball league starts soon and I'm on 2 teams so thatll keep me active through the winter. My ex is still a dipsheet so let her bring her misery onto someone else. I guess we are all growing by going through all this nonsense. Hang tough and glad to hear your doing the AA thing. This stuff is hard though man, so don't get down on yourself if you have a slip up. Lord knows I have! Got your back man...
GrayClouds Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Back to the topic at hand I went to an AA meeting today and am going to keep at them... I honestly thought that I was doing pretty well then I go and pull a stunt like this... Good, and get involved find some non drinkers to hang out with from time to time. Stunt like this is a way of saying your still hurting and saying you need to do something different to move on working at AA is a good something different.
D-Lish Posted October 28, 2010 Posted October 28, 2010 Your friends and family will forgive you. Now that you've made your apologies, you need to make the effort to maintain more respectful behaviour toward them. I work with a girl that is going through a really hard break up- and she's been a horrible bitch the past 6 weeks. There are times I can barely stand to be around her. BUT, I consider her a friend, and I recognize she is going through hell right now, so I am willing to put up with her irrational behaviour. I think most people are inclined to put up with some crap when a friend is in need (but there is a limit to what people will put up with). You've recognized that your behaviour is self destructive, and you now know it's affecting the people around you- so it's time to reign it in and deal with things differently.
Author smk Posted October 28, 2010 Author Posted October 28, 2010 @ HPD - enjoy vegas and have a good time... I realised that talking it out is the best thing - for the past 6-7 weeks i have isolated myself from people most days - sure i will meet up with friends at the weekend but i normally just kept to myself - and on weekdays i leave home pretty early, spend as long as i can at work and then hit the gym for a couple of hours before going home and sleeping - there have been days where i havent even seen my family and i live in the same house as them... maybe this weekend was everything coming out again and it made realise that i am still not fully over this girl - i am not blaming her for my actions or for what happened but its made me realise that the emotions and feeling i have are still pretty raw and i obviously havent let the wounds close and somehow i just opened up the wound again this weekend. Its just really f*****g annoying that its been almost 5 months since the break up (which is almost as long as our relationship) and i still cant seem to get her out of my mind. I went to a therapist, hit the gym, made new friends, wrote a journal, and just when i think i am doing well and moving on - i fall back down and have to start again - does this crap never friggin end???
D-Lish Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 The crap does end- but you have to deal with what you are going through and process it properly. I was a mess after my divorce, and alcohol was not my friend. When you are sober, and you have wits about you, it's easy to push the pain aside. When you drink, you open up a floodgate of emotions that you've been pushing aside. Try processing your pain while you are sober and taking it in stride. It's only been 5 months, not a lot of time in the grand scheme of things. Keep pushing forward. You can ignore the pain, or you can acknowledge it. In my experience, acknowledging it pushes things forward quicker.
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