Should i call it quits with him or not? I don’t want to hurt him.

[Ilovelove]

Where do I begin? I am in my early twenties and I have dated a few unserious fellas. So when I met my current boyfriend, I felt like my prayers had been answered. I am a very emotional and sensitive person and I have been though bad breakups in the past, ie I have been dumped. I am no angel because I have called off about 1 or 2 relationships in the past; however I did so based on cogent reasons. (Definitely not frivolous reasons or excuses). Anyway, I met my current boyfriend about a year and a few months ago and we started dating shortly after. He is the sweetest guy ever. He is far from perfect but the traits that I love about him, include his love, his dedication to our relationship, his caring attitude etc. He could be a bit controlling /jealous at times, but nothing excessive. I guess he simply loves me. He would do anything within his power to make me happy and he has never cheated on me. After we dated for a few months, I realised that I didn’t have to pretend. He accepted me for who I was flaws and all. No man has ever treated me the way this guy has.

 

At the start of the relationship, he used to smoke marijuana. I didn’t think too much about it because I was in the honey-moon phase. In fact, I was the one who pushed for a relationship. He was a bit reluctant to embark on one straightaway, but I realised later that his reluctance was due to the fact that he wanted us to get to know each other better. After we got together, I realised I had a problem with his smoking habit.

 

 

Let me give you a little background history. I am 24 years Old. He is 27 years old. We met when I was 22 and he was 26. I come from a very conservative background. My parents are successful lawyers and I just qualified as a lawyer. I went to a top-rated university and never did drugs or anything of that sort. In fact, I’m not much of a drinker. Please don’t misinterprete the aforementioned information. I am trying to give you some insight. I am not a ‘goody goody’, but I guess I am one of those people who grew up believing that life followed a logical order- High school, university, get a great/high-paying job, get married to a successful man and have children. He on the other hand, didn’t do so well at university and I believe this was as a result of his habit. Given the right circumstances, he would have excelled. He keeps telling me he wants to get married to me. I know he does. I do not doubt his genuine heart or feelings towards me.

 

 

In a nutshell, he had smoked weed throughout university and that affected his grades and motivation. So when I met him, he didn’t have a job or car etc. He wasn’t really doing much. However, after dating for a while, after a lot of struggles and prayers, he stopped smoking. He didn’t stop solely because of me. He always had the intentions of quitting, but the pressure I put on him hastened the process. He quit marijuana for good and hasn’t smoked for 6 months of thereabout. That was a turning point in his life. He became more motivated and started working on various projects eg real estate etc. Nevertheless, it was difficult for him to get a full-time job. A corporate job or simply put a 9-5. Obviously, his grades were quite poor and he didn’t have much experience (owing to the fact that he had smoked weed for so many years). We were thus presented with a situation where he WANTED to get a job, but he couldn’t. I realised that I needed stability from him and that was lacking. He lives at home with his parents, has no car (yet), has no ‘proper job’ (although he makes some money from deals. He is ‘self-employed’ estate agent. ). Right now, he has no steady means of income.

 

 

I will cut the long story short. After a year and a half together, I am beginning to lose my attraction for him. I feel like I am his mother. Ideally, I would love to be with a man who didn’t come with so much baggage. It’s been so stressful sometimes because his situation is getting in the way of the progression of our relationship. After my post-graduate degree (which I am currently undertaking), I would love to get married. However, it is unlikely that he will be ‘financially stable’ anytime soon. I’m trying to be realistic here. I wouldn’t want to pressurise him into getting married earlier than he would have wanted to. I want him to achieve his goals and ambitions before settling down. However, I’m not sure I am willing to wait in vain. On the one hand, things might blossom in a couple of years. On the other hand, what if this doesn’t occur until many years later? I wouldn’t want to wait for so many years, especially when the future is so uncertain…..It’s a 50/50 thing and I am torn.

 

I have lost my attraction for him (in some ways) because I am surrounded by ‘successful’ people who are within the same age-group as him. Anytime I hear a friend of mine is engaged, or a friend’s boyfriend got promoted, or a friend’s boyfriend got a new job, I begin to think about him. Sometimes, I get angry at his past. I wish he never allowed marijuana interfere with his life. His ignorant days are starting to interfere with his future and it really sucks

 

 

I haven’t been able to introduce him properly to my mother because I know she will ask a lot of questions. For example, ‘what does he do’?. What do I say in response to that?

I am a realist and I would only ever marry a man I love. However, I must take into consideration, the fact that financial stability is crucial. I wouldn’t want to find myself in a situation where I would be the one handling all the bills. I don’t want to go through a rough time, catering for myself and my Husband. I have so many fears and I am utterly confused about what to do.

 

I used to be so loving but I realise I am gradually changing towards him. He means a lot to me and I don’t want to give up on this relationship unless it is necessary. At the same time, I am getting older. Where I come from, women get married between the ages of 24 and 27 years old. So there is some societal pressure on me to ‘find a decent man’, whilst I am still in my ‘prime’. I am also getting a bit nervous because I have turned down so many men. Obviously I have been in a relationship and I wasn’t going to cheat on my boyfriend.

 

I have spoken to him about this situation many times. He is trying. I must admit. He is trying and he has been pursuing his agency work. However, the fact remains that he needs to become stable- He needs a steady flow of Income. I feel like his situation is preventing us from progressing. Ideally, we would have been engaged if things were okay.

 

What do I do? I cannot compromise certain beliefs I have about the type of man I would want to marry. I also don’t want to put too much strain on him. Recently, all I talk about is the Job issue. Sometimes, I feel cruel, but other times I realise I genuinely want us to have a future together, and this won’t happen unless he sorts himself out.

 

What do I do? WHY am I starting to lose my attraction??

Edited October 25, 2010 by Ilovelove

[WTRanger]

Life follows no plan. The people that think marriage follows college are usually only going to college to get their Mrs. degree. You've had this moment planned out, and now it's not going according to plan and you are freaking out. Do you have a checklist?

 

What I seeing is a lot of excuses. You've got to let go of your control, at least a little bit of it. You are trying to change a generally laid back person, I hesitate to say lazy because I don't know him. But his life is way more at the whim than yours. Yours is rigidly structured, his is fly by the seat of your pants. Now they are finally conflicting.

 

Can you compromise at all? You may have to be the financial backer until he gets himself stable. Why aren't you willing to do that? Do you have this idea that the man must be the breadwinner of the family? The man must make all of the hard moves, hard decisions? If you can't love a man becuase he's not gainfully employed, then you need to consider ending this relationship. Are you willing to do that? It sounds like he's trying to make changes in his life, though slowly, so why can't you change some of your ideals for him? It sounds like he loves you for who you are as a person. Not your job, not your education, not your fancy-schmancy job title, not your income, nothing else but who you are to him.

 

For one thing, stop worrying about this "future" of yours. I can bet you if I talk to you in even 2 years, what has happened in your life will be no where close to what you had planned out. It's good to have goals, but a rigid time line is crazy.

[Ilovelove]

//What I seeing is a lot of excuses. You've got to let go of your control, at least a little bit of it. You are trying to change a generally laid back person, I hesitate to say lazy because I don't know him. But his life is way more at the whim than yours. Yours is rigidly structured, his is fly by the seat of your pants. Now they are finally conflicting.//

 

Does that mean We are incompatible? He isnt lazy. Being rigidly structuted isnt such a bad thing or is it? How do we resolve this conflict? I guess that's the ultimate question.

 

//Can you compromise at all? You may have to be the financial backer until he gets himself stable. Why aren't you willing to do that? Do you have this idea that the man must be the breadwinner of the family? The man must make all of the hard moves, hard decisions? If you can't love a man becuase he's not gainfully employed, then you need to consider ending this relationship. Are you willing to do that? It sounds like he's trying to make changes in his life, though slowly, so why can't you change some of your ideals for him? It sounds like he loves you for who you are as a person. Not your job, not your education, not your fancy-schmancy job title, not your income, nothing else but who you are to him.//

 

I can definitely compromise, but not to the extent you are asking me to. I am very traditional but also realistic. For example, I realise that life throws unexpected challenges at us, and I would be willing to support my Husband if he was going through a rough patch. However, that differs from knowingly embarking on a journey, where I would be obliged (indirectly or directly) to bear the financial responsibilities solely. So, I do believe the man (ideally), should be the breadwinner. Im so confused.... I pray things get better.

 

Thanks for your input. I need to refrain from thinking that I have control over everything. I sometimes get unhealthily obsessive about getting married and settling down ...Sigh

[WTRanger]

Does that mean We are incompatible? He isnt lazy. Being rigidly structuted isnt such a bad thing or is it? How do we resolve this conflict? I guess that's the ultimate question.

 

Thanks for your input. I need to refrain from thinking that I have control over everything. I sometimes get unhealthily obsessive about getting married and settling down ...Sigh

 

It sounds to me like you want a man that comes from a similar lifestyle as yours. Unfortunately, this guy isn't that. This is the point in your relationship that you have the make the decision to move forward and the TWO of you (neither only him nor only you should be making changes) work on compromises, or you end it. If this progresses further and you end up pressuring him to marry and work in a job he hates, the end result won't be pretty.

 

For what it's worth, any female that is overly obsessed with marriage and settling down is the best known man-repellent possible. There's something romantic about talking about your future, but obsessing over it is another thing and can be quite a turn-off. You want to have goals in life, but it shouldn't be structured. You can't freak out that you aren't married and have "X" number of kinds and "X" house and "X" job by a certain age. Life just doesn't work that way.

[hoping2heal]

I'm not saying this to slam you, but I am getting the distinct impression you aren't emotionally mature for something like marriage right now. Being structured and motivated is fine, it leads to many great and productive things. However, it's sad to me that you are wanting to bail on this guy just because the chips are down. If he was still sitting around smoking pot; hey I'd get it. That's not the case. He's trying to get his life together and do the right thing, it's just hard right now. You might find yourself in that position one day, despite making all the "right" decisions to the best of your ability, would you like to be abandoned then? You're young kid, it's great that you have goals and come from a family of motivated individuals. Just because you know how to pass exams and have academics and career figured out, doesn't mean you've got people and life figured out.

 

Certainly if you aren't attracted to this guy anymore, you probably shouldn't continue seeing each other.

[TomerT]

Dear Ilovelove,

By considering myself as practical and rational man I can understand your fears and confusion. Let me draw you your "perfect" scenario...You meeting very successful guy, he meets all your criteria, your parents love him...love is infinite, sex is incredible...everything perfect...You getting married...and after say one year he loosing his job (not because he is bad, but because, for example, company banqueroute...or something like this...) He is very successful ! Trying to find another job...It doesn't go so well...He get depressed, start drinking (in the good case)...and you can apply your imagination to imagine how things will be after and how your life will be...This is only one scenario...I can give you thouthands like this ! (and all this actually happened before !)

My point is - that of course that is good to be practical like you are, sometimes (actually most of the times) life will act very unpredictably with us (even though seems to us we thought about everything, like you do)...

 

So would I suggest, is frankly talk with him...talk about all your concerns...

Make some schedule for his progress (since you mentioned that he started to take control over his life), don't make it as an ultimatum, but you are right that you can not wait forever. I agree with this. Both agree that this is the "road map" to your future together. If he can not commit to it, probably it is better to finish this relationship now (or at least take a break)... This is what I would do, I reckon

[Oscar Wilde]

I agree with TomerT's wise words. First of all you must communicate each other and you must let him now about your concerns.

 

Bests regards,

 

Oscar Wilde

[Downtown]

LoveLove, what has your BF being doing for the past nine years since high school? I ask because his "smoking weed all through university" likely only accounts for four years. Given that he made poor grades and did little work in university, you seem to be saying that he has done little more than smoke weed and lay around his parents home for nine years following high school.

 

If so, there is a very good chance he has serious underlying emotional issues and immaturity likely is at the top of the list. Significantly, when a person is immature at 19 or 20, you may reasonably expect him to grow out of it. When a man is immature at age 27, however, it likely is something he will never grow out of because it probably is a symptom of something missing in his early childhood development. While that type of immaturity can be treated, it requires years of therapy to address. Moreover, a man like that can easily be a wonderful person to date during a one-year honeymoon period of infatuation -- like the one year you've been dating your BF.

 

At issue, then, is whether your BF is going to be able to sustain the "grow and be a better man" attitude or, instead, will crumble when life throws real stress at him -- as will occur when you have children, have illnesses, and when he grows resentful of not being the main bread winner in the family. I do not know the answer to that issue. But I remain skeptical because you are describing a man who is immature and has been behaving irresponsibly for nine years, and probably was doing so all through high school as well.

 

On top of that, he likely was "self medicating" all that while. Was he trying to treat depression or low self esteem? IMO, emotionally healthy, happy people do not try to escape reality -- at the very time that other young people are building a foundation for a career -- by living with their parents and smoking weed for nearly a decade. And where the h*ll were his parents during all that time? Why did both of them choose to be "enablers" who permitted their adult son to sit around their home smoking pot?

 

Because I am taking a far more harsh view of the situation than other posters, I should explain that I followed the path you are now on. Like you, I worked very hard and got multiple university degrees, got the good jobs, and earned a very good living. Also like you, I value people for who they are, not how much money they make. I therefore fell in love with a person who had not done well in school and had emotional issues (she had been sexually molested for years by her dad). As your BF appears to be, she was immature in a way that requires years of therapy to correct -- and a willingness on her part to do so. She nonetheless was able to hold herself together and put on a good act for the period before our marriage. After that, however, she was unable to handle the stresses of real life, never mind that she had once adored me and seemed so perfect. Over a period of 15 years, I spent a small fortune taking her to weekly visits with six different psychologists. All of it was to no avail because she did not have the ego strength to confront her emotional issues and really work on them.

 

Of course, I do not know how serious your BF's immaturity and other emotional issues are. I am just saying that, if he has such serious issues, a year of dating likely is too short a time to reveal them. So please be careful and take your time if you decide to stay with him. Namely, take time to be sure he has a sufficiently strong sense of self worth that he can handle your being the bread winner without becoming increasingly more resentful of you each year. From what you have said so far, there is little indication he has a strong self image and sense of worth. And, if he does not have that by age 27, he likely will never have it. Certainly, you cannot give it to him. I learned that the hard way after trying in vain for 15 years. Take care, LoveLove.

[GrayClouds]

//What I seeing is a lot of excuses. You've got to let go of your control, at least a little bit of it. You are trying to change a generally laid back person, I hesitate to say lazy because I don't know him. But his life is way more at the whim than yours. Yours is rigidly structured, his is fly by the seat of your pants. Now they are finally conflicting.//

 

Does that mean We are incompatible? He isnt lazy. Being rigidly structuted isnt such a bad thing or is it? How do we resolve this conflict? I guess that's the ultimate question.

Is suspect on of the reason you was originally attracted to him was he helped you be less intense, a bit more spontaneous, his flexibility and by his strong focus towards interpersonal realtionships rather then external things. We are often attracted to people who balances our strengths.

 

No your not incompatible if you can see these things he offers as strengths rather then weaknesses and as long as he sees your bias towards structure as a good thing. You both have an opportunist to learn form each other. For both challenges each other to grow in ways that is does not come natural. And that is what a great realtionship does challenges us to grow and become more rounded in our approach to life.

 

So the opportunity is there for you to help he become more struchture in his approach in life, he can help you be less so and more open to unexpected joys and a bit more carefree life. It starts with you having open and honest conversation about this being important for both of you and deciding that this is something you both want. It means your willingness to give up some control while his taking a bit more.

 

This is hard and difficult stuff, specially being younger, it usually does not come easy but those who have the love and courage to do so are the ones you have those great loves and realtionships though out time.

 

Let me add being highly structured person is not a bad thing but finding someone else who is highly structured who has the same goal of yours is a difficult fit to find. Having some you is flexible to your goals may make life easier for you in the future, if again, you see their flexibility as a strength and gift rather then a weakness. But that is a challange when you have been taught that structure and being goal oriented is always good.

 

Remember any strength can be a weakness if a person become too reliant on it.