KarmasTestDummy Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 ...Instead of easier? I had a twinge here and there of regret and missing mm the first week...but coming up on two weeks NC and I'm feeling on the verge of obsessively thinking about him all the time again. I can't rationalize it, other than angry is wearing off and I'm just falling into the feeling of being abandoned and dismissed as nothing. I think the words steelknife asked her mm are really hitting me hard. She got to ask him, "can't you see yourself with me?" Now I feel at a loss. Why couldn't he see himself with me? Admittedly he hated everything about his w but said if he could make it work, he would. I don't expect any answers, just needed to vent. I'm falling into a rut and trying to bring my head up above water again. First session of therapy starts tomorrow. I'm so grateful for that. Hoping I can find some answers to inner-peace and self respect again...to bring some organization back into my chaos of a life. I don't think it helps that I saw ex-h a few days ago to arrange his child visit, and then he I spent all weekend home waiting and he didn't follow through, letting both me and my kids down once again. I feel like I am the one person put on this earth for everyone to tread on and treat like crap...taken advantage of time and time again. I just don't know how to put my foot down and put a stop to it.
gerib38 Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 I know exactly how u feel my mm broke it off with me on Oct 15th... i have been up and down with my emotions one day sad next day mad... i have sent him a few texts ... but i am trying real hard to do the NC ... i have been mushy i have been angry towards thim.... now im just wishing i had never texted him at all ...The wounds are fresh and i really thought i would have handled it better ... i think when u are in this type of relationship u just keep waiting for the end... mine told me he was in love with me ... wanted me to wait for him while he figured a way out of this mess ...I was just blind sided told me 2 days before he loved me and wanted me to wait ... now he says he just cant give me what i want that his feelings have nothing to do with it hes trying to do the right thing ... doenst want me to get hurt ......well too late buddy!!
Owl Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 It's called "withdrawl". You're dealing with the aftermath of a psychological addiction and dependency. You're "cold turkey" with the drug of your choice...MM. It's going to be hard for a while...it does get worse before it gets better. But...it does get better, and that's what you have to focus on. The other part of this would be to ask you what you're dealing to cope with all of this? What are you doing to fill your time, use all the energy that you used to invest in the relationship with him? What are you doing to alleviate the stress of dealing with the withdrawl? If you're just living life and doing the same things you were before, but now have this huge, unfilled gap of time and excess energy where that relationship was before, it's going to be harder to deal with. Go back to the gym...start working out. Take up an old hobby that you'd put aside, or start a new one. Get SOMETHING into your life as a new, temporary focus while you're healing and dealing. And find a friend there that you can talk with about all of this...someone who can provide an "in person" shoulder you can use when you need it.
gerib38 Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 if u ever want ton talk let me know im going thru the same thing and girl i know it hurts like hell... my skin hurts ... i hurt so much so i do know if u want my e-mail let me know or we can chat ... anytime
anne1707 Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Because it now feels real with the passing of time and initial shock. But you have to hold firm and look after yourself. You can do this.
jj33 Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 ...Instead of easier? I had a twinge here and there of regret and missing mm the first week...but coming up on two weeks NC and I'm feeling on the verge of obsessively thinking about him all the time again. I can't rationalize it, other than angry is wearing off and I'm just falling into the feeling of being abandoned and dismissed You are very wise. The anger wears off and there is a void where the relationship used to be. You are so strong and you are doing so great. You will weather this storm and come out stronger on the other side. The worst mistake people make is when the anger wears off, they cant bear the pain of the separation and they find a way back in or succumb to contact with the MM. You are too smart for that. It hurts but you will make it through. Big hugs jj
BB07 Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 You are very wise. The anger wears off and there is a void where the relationship used to be. You are so strong and you are doing so great. You will weather this storm and come out stronger on the other side. The worst mistake people make is when the anger wears off, they cant bear the pain of the separation and they find a way back in or succumb to contact with the MM. You are too smart for that. It hurts but you will make it through. Big hugs jj Good advice JJ......as always. KTD.........I get what you are going through right now and I know the pain very well. I went through a period like this and I'll admit it, I wanted to contact him even after all the ****z things he did, but I didn't. I held on and you can too. I know it hurts like hell, and you have to walk through that pain, you can't sidestep or pretend that it's not there, you gotta suck it in and walk through it. You can come out on the other side of it.........you really can, please believe that. I'm almost 4 months out and I KNOW I'm gonna be OK, I'm going to be better than before. No more drama, no more lies, no more heartache and the other side, the good side is getting closer and closer all the time. You can do this............hang on to yourself and we are here for you. Hugs.......
desertIslandCactus Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 ...Instead of easier? I had a twinge here and there of regret and missing mm the first week...but coming up on two weeks NC and I'm feeling on the verge of obsessively thinking about him all the time again. I can't rationalize it, other than angry is wearing off and I'm just falling into the feeling of being abandoned and dismissed as nothing. I think the words steelknife asked her mm are really hitting me hard. She got to ask him, "can't you see yourself with me?" Now I feel at a loss. Why couldn't he see himself with me? Admittedly he hated everything about his w but said if he could make it work, he would. I don't expect any answers, just needed to vent. I'm falling into a rut and trying to bring my head up above water again. First session of therapy starts tomorrow. I'm so grateful for that. Hoping I can find some answers to inner-peace and self respect again...to bring some organization back into my chaos of a life. I don't think it helps that I saw ex-h a few days ago to arrange his child visit, and then he I spent all weekend home waiting and he didn't follow through, letting both me and my kids down once again. I feel like I am the one person put on this earth for everyone to tread on and treat like crap...taken advantage of time and time again. I just don't know how to put my foot down and put a stop to it. Your Value has nothing to do with a man who has a family and in a commited marriage - who is not coming over to you. You were born as a free Whole woman, your happiness should not depend on this commited married man. You are Free - He isn't.
Grace2010 Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 it takes 21 days to break a habit/form a new one 21 days of NC, and then it will get easier. that's only three weeks ("Only"...I know. LOL) you CAN do it.
fooled once Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 ...Instead of easier? I had a twinge here and there of regret and missing mm the first week...but coming up on two weeks NC and I'm feeling on the verge of obsessively thinking about him all the time again. I can't rationalize it, other than angry is wearing off and I'm just falling into the feeling of being abandoned and dismissed as nothing. I think the words steelknife asked her mm are really hitting me hard. She got to ask him, "can't you see yourself with me?" Now I feel at a loss. Why couldn't he see himself with me? Admittedly he hated everything about his w but said if he could make it work, he would. I don't expect any answers, just needed to vent. I'm falling into a rut and trying to bring my head up above water again. First session of therapy starts tomorrow. I'm so grateful for that. Hoping I can find some answers to inner-peace and self respect again...to bring some organization back into my chaos of a life. I don't think it helps that I saw ex-h a few days ago to arrange his child visit, and then he I spent all weekend home waiting and he didn't follow through, letting both me and my kids down once again. I feel like I am the one person put on this earth for everyone to tread on and treat like crap...taken advantage of time and time again. I just don't know how to put my foot down and put a stop to it. Karma ((hug)) hang in there. This is a transition period for you. As much as you may want to talk to him, to hear his voice, to ask questions...don't. More than likely, he is going to pacify you and try to draw you back in. Don't let him. As for your ex-h --- man do I understand that. My ex was the same way - I was the one always left to comfort our son and try to make him feel better; and remind him that his dad loved him (even though the excuse for not exercising visitation was either "I need to clean my house" or "I need to wash my truck".) We can't make them take visitation, but we have to provide the kids for visitation. What you can start doing it making plans for what to do when he cancels visitation again. Make something fun for you and the kids. Don't get me wrong, I understand needing the "break" from raising the kids fulltime by yourself ((hugs)) and dealing with the grief and sadness over the end of a relationship --- feels like you are the one always doing everything for everyone else. BUT you are doing something for yourself starting tomorrow - counseling. I know some people go into counseling thinking all the answers will be provided to them. It isn't how it worked when I went. Plus, the first couple of visits is dealing with history and getting to know each other. So hang in there. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. Remember, this isn't about him rejecting you - it is about him being so messed up. He is the one who is choosing to stay with his allegedly abusive, drugged up wife. Can you image that life? Yuck! It's called "withdrawl". You're dealing with the aftermath of a psychological addiction and dependency. You're "cold turkey" with the drug of your choice...MM. It's going to be hard for a while...it does get worse before it gets better. But...it does get better, and that's what you have to focus on. The other part of this would be to ask you what you're dealing to cope with all of this? What are you doing to fill your time, use all the energy that you used to invest in the relationship with him? What are you doing to alleviate the stress of dealing with the withdrawl? If you're just living life and doing the same things you were before, but now have this huge, unfilled gap of time and excess energy where that relationship was before, it's going to be harder to deal with. Go back to the gym...start working out. Take up an old hobby that you'd put aside, or start a new one. Get SOMETHING into your life as a new, temporary focus while you're healing and dealing. And find a friend there that you can talk with about all of this...someone who can provide an "in person" shoulder you can use when you need it. Great post Owl!
on a learning curve Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 Awww, Karma...I am feeling for you. Venting is good - helps to work through all the emotional pain. Hang in there. You have been an inspiration to me. You WILL get through this period - Owl is right, it is "withdrawl". Take care of you.
Author KarmasTestDummy Posted October 26, 2010 Author Posted October 26, 2010 Awww, Karma...I am feeling for you. Venting is good - helps to work through all the emotional pain. Hang in there. You have been an inspiration to me. You WILL get through this period - Owl is right, it is "withdrawl". Take care of you. I may have to turn to you guys more often to express my feelings. My one good friend who has been up till now very supportive is getting irritated with hearing it. She swooped me away for a beach getaway last weekend and I was kind of a downer. Then she expected that to be it, I said I was done, so she quite frankly doesn't want to hear anymore bitching and moaning about it. So, I'm stuck...you're all I got LS. Muuuuaaaah! Thanks so much for being my rock. I hope I give as good as I take. I do have my moments of strength. I managed to cheer on my Monday night football team without thinking about his smart alleck comments he would have been making as my team lost miserably. Nice to know that i can still at least enjoy the pleasures alone that we shared together. As far as a hobby...I don't know. I definitely do have a big open space where my time and energy used to go. I've been trying to turn it towards my kids. The karaoke family night now like I mentioned...and been researching getting my lil bit in karate classes. But even still, that's two nights a week for a couple of hours whereas he used to text me til we were both near asleep every night. That's a huge void, which is why you see me posting a whole heck of a lot around bed time. I just lay here, thinking non-stop about him and completely unable to sleep.
Author KarmasTestDummy Posted October 26, 2010 Author Posted October 26, 2010 Karma ((hug)) hang in there. This is a transition period for you. As much as you may want to talk to him, to hear his voice, to ask questions...don't. More than likely, he is going to pacify you and try to draw you back in. Don't let him. As for your ex-h --- man do I understand that. My ex was the same way - I was the one always left to comfort our son and try to make him feel better; and remind him that his dad loved him (even though the excuse for not exercising visitation was either "I need to clean my house" or "I need to wash my truck".) We can't make them take visitation, but we have to provide the kids for visitation. What you can start doing it making plans for what to do when he cancels visitation again. Make something fun for you and the kids. Don't get me wrong, I understand needing the "break" from raising the kids fulltime by yourself ((hugs)) and dealing with the grief and sadness over the end of a relationship --- feels like you are the one always doing everything for everyone else. BUT you are doing something for yourself starting tomorrow - counseling. I know some people go into counseling thinking all the answers will be provided to them. It isn't how it worked when I went. Plus, the first couple of visits is dealing with history and getting to know each other. So hang in there. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. Remember, this isn't about him rejecting you - it is about him being so messed up. He is the one who is choosing to stay with his allegedly abusive, drugged up wife. Can you image that life? Yuck! Great post Owl! Ahhh how I'd willingly take a lame excuse from ex h, but it seems more often than not his girlfriend, the previous OW, throws a tantrum every time he's supposed to see them. I point blank do not want her near my house or around my children. This woman lived in my house and lied to my face for 4 years while my husband fathered two children with her. I have no choice but to deal with him, but her, I won't put up with. So...needless to say she thinks I'm refusing her to come because I'm secretly trying to steal him back (ummm I'm the one that left dear, not him)...and when he doesn't just say okay I won't go, she starts a huge fight til he can't go. It's so ridiculously old and nauseating. She left in his car this weekend and wouldn't return his calls. All i can say is that he is a very abusive man and I know she got her behind womped for those kinds of stunts, but i think she thrives on the drama and attention as much as my ex mm.
steelknife Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 ktd am not in the best position to advice you. i am hurting as much as you are. and i know, i truly do. waht it feels to hang around. to look at the ceiling and look at your cp like every minute for a message when we know we can damn well hear it when we get one. i just want you to know i know exactly what youre going through. in the meantime,just hang on. i know being in ths cycle sucks but this is the life youre living now. just hang on. tight. i know am not much of a help. (hugs)
20Seconds Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 ...Instead of easier? I had a twinge here and there of regret and missing mm the first week...but coming up on two weeks NC and I'm feeling on the verge of obsessively thinking about him all the time again. I can't rationalize it, other than angry is wearing off and I'm just falling into the feeling of being abandoned and dismissed as nothing. Hey Karma, I feel for you ((())) I'm 1 week NC tomorrow and it seems to be easing a bit, but every now and again I feel completely floored by a thought or a memory I'm just trying to fill life with as much as possible and try and connect or reconnect with people (friends and family) I feel I have neglected lately in terms of attention. I told a friend who knows about the A yesterday that I had ended it with MM and we had a good chat. It felt so good to tell someone. Keep talking to your friends, if they are good ones, they will be there for you.
Recommended Posts