havehope Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Just wanted to say this is a great website! I've been reading here over the past year when I get sad and need encouragement, and now finally have the courage to post. I really take what other users say to heart in post-replies. My ex and I dated 4 years before splitting over his cowardly telephone confession to sleeping with this other girl (who openly hated me and talked crap about me for years - needless to say they're still dating). I immediately did NC, breaking it because I thought one day he would apologize since he confessed- and since I felt I lost my best friend, I hoped for some sort of friendship to result. (problem #1) We've talked sporatically since the breakup, both initiating convo (problem #2). The conversation is friendly, but it always ends with him saying how he misses me / our future / whatever else he misses. Point is, were on speaking terms now. Because I realized I don't want to be with him, that I'll never have the best friendship I once had with him, and any friendship that comes out of this will be half-ass anyways, I want to start NC now for good. That and the things I've found out about him since the split, make me want to stop talking to him. I don't think we can ever be friends again and I need closure somehow. I've felt this way for a while, just don't know how to go about it: My question is... because i talked to him after the cheating, (and never got mad/got closure) and now we're on speaking terms, is it too late to randomly do NC and completely disappear without an explanation? I only ask bc it's been about a year now, and he thinks we're 'okay'. But I need/want do NC for me. So... Did I miss my window of opportunity to do no-warning NC? Or do i owe a warning? "If they were dumb enough to walk away, then be smart enough to let them go."
PegNosePete Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 It's never too late to NC. If you think he'll bug you then you could give him a text/email saying what you're doing, and not to bother responding. But don't make it confrontational, and don't say anything which would elicit a response.
Author havehope Posted October 25, 2010 Author Posted October 25, 2010 Thanks guys - I really appreciate it. (Thanks for reading it all, despite the length -I tried to edit it because its a long origional post but I'm still getting used to stuff here). I guess I want things to end "okay" and like you said, nonconfrontational between us because I have this fear of someone dying and the last thing they heard from me was how angry I was at them (which was probably why I never got closure)
WTRanger Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 (edited) My question is... because i talked to him after the cheating, (and never got mad/got closure) and now we're on speaking terms, is it too late to randomly do NC and completely disappear without an explanation? It's good to go no contact, but this is the cowards way out. If you want him to constantly contacting you, constantly ask you where you've gone, call you spineless, call you names, get mad, lose his mind, etc. Then, by all means, just drop off the face of the Earth. Just tell him, straight up, that friends isn't working for you. That you can't really repair what he did so it's time to just move on from each other. Being honest with someone is never confrontational. If he turns it that way, then that's no your problem. If you just stop, then you'll be no better than what he did to you. Though, at least he had the guts to tell you he cheated. He could have just left you in the cold wondering where he went. Edited October 25, 2010 by WTRanger
Author havehope Posted October 25, 2010 Author Posted October 25, 2010 WTRanger, you bring up a good point that I didn't think of before. I definitely don't want to be a coward about it - I just thought it might be less painful than the conversation of "We can't be friends" but the more I think about it, random NC at this point would be painful too. I guess if roles were reversed, I'd like the courtesy/decency of an explanation if I thought we were 'okay'. I know other posts say "giving a NC warning defeats the purpose" but I suppose this is a different situation. Like I said, thanks for the advice and for bringing that to my attention
WTRanger Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 The thing is, you two are on speaking terms so he at least deserves a warning. The no warning NC would be applicable for the situation at the start when he admitted to cheating on you, then you can just drop off the face of the planet and focus on yourself. Because, his cheating warranted it. Now if you just stop then there's no reason, in his mind, for you to stop all contact. Especially if you've been receptive or at least acting nice towards him. Just be honest with him. As you said, you'd want the same from him. You don't have to spill your guts or reasons at him, just keep it simple. Just tell him that you don't see the two of you really progressing as friends, which is the truth. Trust me, if you just stop you will open up the gates of Hell. You will take a hard situation into a flat out insane situation. You will hurt him far far far far far worse if you just stop talking and ignore him. When you ignore someone, it is the worst form of emotional abuse you can do to someone. The truth may hurt him, but it's the truth. He will understand that. Plus, you don't want to carry the guilt around the rest of your life that you couldn't just tell him, do you? What if he died and the last thing you remember is ignoring his pleas to at least talk to him, to at least act human and give him a reason?
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