iheartboobs Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 (edited) So, short version of the back story: the wife and I split up - became friends - started dating again - went back to being just friends - and then I found out she'd been sleeping with a guy I knew since about 5 months after we split up. The problem, besides that I just don't like this guy being around my daughter (he's not a good man), is that the first time we became friends we had set guide-lines that we'd tell the other when we were ready to start dating and that anyone in our respective social circles was off limits (this was her idea). I respected these rules, she did not. So anyway, about a week ago I find her and the OM together... she tells me it's been going on for about 4 months and she's sorry but wants to stay friends. I say no but make a counter offer for a civil relationship for our daughter's sake and she eventually accepts. Last Saturday I'm out with some friends for my best friend's birthday party. This is the same social circle that the OM is a part of and his room mates are there. Now, my BF knows about everything and when he invited everyone out, he made it clear that the OM was not to come to his party. While we were drinking, his room mates wanted to know what that was about and I eventually told them. They said that sucks and they didn't know about it, but they could understand us not wanting him out with us and that they'd help me kick his ass if I wanted (no one really likes this guy). I said no thanks, as long as he doesn't hurt my daughter I didn't really care what he did... besides, the ex and I had fooled around while they were together (I didn't know she was with anyone else), and if I knew him, he had cheated on her at least a couple of times and probably had a girl on the side right now so they deserved each other. The room mates said that they didn't know about the ex, so they couldn't be positive how many he was with, but there were 3 for sure that he'd brought to the apartment for sex in the last week. 3. For sure. Maybe more. Do I say something? I know it's not my place, and she probably wouldn't believe me if I did tell her, but the only "friends" she has are the regulars at the bar she frequents (seriously, she has no real friends, just people she gets drunk with), everyone there knows that the OM is sleeping with multiple other women, and none of them care enough to say anything... if she isn't already, she's going to be a laughingstock. Part of me wants that to happen... she's certainly earned it. Part of me doesn't care. But there's another (very small) part that feels bad that she's going to be hurt (she thinks he's her soul mate, he doesn't give a **** about her), and doesn't want me to drag it out any longer than it already has been or cause her any extra embarassment. Do I say something, or do I just kind of go with my current plan of keeping my mouth shut and trying not to worry about it because it's not my business? Edited October 25, 2010 by iheartboobs
YellowShark Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Do I say something, or do I just kind of go with my current plan of keeping my mouth shut and trying not to worry about it because it's not my business? I would keep my mouth shut. Don't get involved in a dynamic that you don't need to be involved in. She will only take your "information" as sour grapes, and eventually use that against you. She needs to find out for herself. Good luck.
Author iheartboobs Posted October 25, 2010 Author Posted October 25, 2010 Yeah, I figured... that does seem to be the best way to go about it. There's just an annoying little voice in my head that sometimes thinks it's still my resposibility to take care of her, and every now and then I've got to get outside opinions to shut it up.
TLCbear Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 I agree, keep your mouth shut. If he is cheating on her, she deserves it and need to deal with it on her on.
fltc Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 As others have said, I don't think you should tell her but why not ask one of your mutual friends to mention it to her? She should know and she probably won't believe it from you but from someone who knows her and knows OM she probably will.
The-Zen-Warrior Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 iheartboobs : Like many have already stated, if I were you, I would stay the hell out of this situation! Leave it alone, walk away from it, live your own life ect. ect. ect. Problems with your now ex-wife are no longer your fight! You are no longer obligated in any way to fight for her, or fight her battles. I admire you wanting to help, by maybe spilling the beans about this "other man" and his late night conquests, but it really isn't your place to say anything. Let this one play out as it should. I don't think I'm being evil by saying this, but just pop a bag of pop corn, grab a cool one, bust out the lawn chair, sit on the side lines of the field of life and watch this one play out. I'm sure your ex-wife or soon to be, is going to be alright! Kind of re-affirms my personal belief in the notion of karma!
dreamingoftigers Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 I don't know about this one personally. I actually have a strict anti-infidelity code. I have told all of my close girlfriends that if they are smart they will not tell me if they cheat because I will tell their husbands. I will tell a BS because I feel that they deserve to know that they are at risk. There is a valid concern for this woman's safety, whether or not you have bitter feelings towards her. Whether or not she deserves it. It is not about taking care of her. My husband has treated me poorly, I will not do what he has done to me because I will not lower my personal standard based on who he is and what he's done. I act in a certain way, have a certain respect and live my life the way I live it regardless of what is "done" to me. If what people do changes who I am, then I am not really a solid person.
whichwayisup Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Let karma take it's course. I agree with Woggle on this one. Just make sure your daughter doesn't get hurt. How often is this guy around your kid?
Author iheartboobs Posted October 26, 2010 Author Posted October 26, 2010 (edited) Don't know how often he's around, but I'd guess a good bit... according to the ex, they've discussed his role in parenting my child. That pissed me off because his role is that he has none, but it's not like I can force the ex to do anything. When she has our daughter it's her time, and she can parent any way she sees fit unless I can prove that it's detrimental to our daughter's well-being. I worry about my daughter around her mother, too. Before the ex met me, she went from one physically/emotionally abusive relationship to the next, and now it's looking like she's getting back into old habits. It's hard to feel sorry for the ex... she's known this guy she's with for years through me, and she knows he's cheated on every girl he's ever been with and is proud of that fact, so any heart-break or embarrassment she gets is due to her own stupidity, and if she gets a terrible disease in the process, well, she's earned that too. But my daughter doesn't need to grow up thinking that how her mother acts is right, or that the men her mother dates are what she should expect or deserves in a normal relationship. Thanks for the advice everyone. I know keeping my mouth shut is the right thing to do, but like I said, there's a small part of me that still thinks it's my job to protect her and even though I know it isn't, that little voice won't quit bugging me. Edited October 26, 2010 by iheartboobs
FanFan Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 Thanks for the advice everyone. I know keeping my mouth shut is the right thing to do, but like I said, there's a small part of me that still thinks it's my job to protect her and even though I know it isn't, that little voice won't quit bugging me. I disagree keeping your mouth shut is the right thing to do. It would be if she is just your ex, but she is not, she is more. She is the mother of your child and his OM is AROUND YOUR CHILD! Do you want your child's mother to get HIV or other STDs? The longer this goes on, the more hurt she will be. This affect YOUR CHILD! Ask yourself this question: Is it in your child's best interest for this to drag on any longer? Is it in your child's best interest for her mother to be involved with someone like that. There, you have your answer. That small part of you was telling you to do the right thing all along! Now, tell her in a caring way. Tell her that you care about her well being and tell her what happened. Use a friend to back up your story if needs to be. Or ask a mutual friend to be there when you tell her, to ensure that she is not perceiving it as you being jealous. Do the right thing for your child.
Author iheartboobs Posted October 26, 2010 Author Posted October 26, 2010 I hate this man being around my daughter, but we have joint custody, which means I don't have a bit of say in who the ex exposes her to when I'm not around unless I can prove it puts her in danger. All I can do is hope for the best. If the ex gets a terrible disease, that's sad, but she's a grown woman (even if she doesn't act like it) and I don't have any say about who she sleeps with either. Besides, as much as it might hurt my daughter to watch mommy die from AIDS, I'll take that a thousand times over her growing up to be like mommy and dying from it herself. If she had a friend, I might bring it up with her, but she doesn't, and no matter how many of my friends I bring along to back me up she won't believe us. This is a woman that knows her boyfriend has bragged that he's never been with a woman that he hasn't cheated on, but still thinks he's being faithful. She's seen him leave his children with his drunk room mates to go have sex with a stranger, but swears he's a good father. She's known him long enough to tell that he has absolutely no respect for women, but still thinks that they're soul mates. Even if I really wanted to, how would I possibly convince someone as blind as this that her boyfriend has, at least, 3 girls on the side? Even if I agreed that it was my place to tell her (which I don't), I can't see it doing anything but stressing our already very fragile relationship.
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