Romantic Realism or Idealism ?

[SoItGoes.]

Hi all,

 

I don't have a specific question or relationship dilemma to pose to the LS community but I would be more then interested to receive some people’s perspectives on the notion of "love".

 

Personally my view is that in many western societies where the basic means of life are consistent and stable. We as a culture have turned to "love" and intrapersonal relationships as the last frontier to conquer, to lead to some kind of ultimate satisfaction. Marriages for love and passion on mass are a relatively new commodity in our societies and can be argued I think to be reflective of the increasingly culturally relativist stance we all seem to be taking. True moral sentiments and the notion of duty in life seems to be swept aside for the increasingly materialistic and narcissistic life many of us seem eager to pursue (personally on this broad perspective I stay neutral I think both angles on life have there obvious pros and cons.) However I do feel this has adverse effects on relationships. This newfound freedom allows us as individuals (especially amongst the young) to all mistakes those powerful emotions of infatuation (Damn that romantic biological drive!) as the long-term goal to peruse. Hence I feel increasing numbers of mismatched relationships and unrealistic expectations that the mass media place upon relationships.. Rom Coms and idealistic notions of the "one" and soul mates are the norm.

 

Whilst yes it’s clear I’m taking a really pessimistic stance here. Why not… People can point to the neurobiological evidence that shows passionate and obsessive love that so many seemingly unintentialy aspire to is at max a four year chemical ride that will inevitably sizzle out. My view is that it wouldn't harm to teach the young a more romantically relativistic view on relationship, maybe then we could have a increasing number of people understanding the notion of commitment and having similar temperate thus ultimately being good partners.

 

Most people of my peer group (late teen early twentys) Seem to stumble in and out of infatuation and powerful but ultimately doomed relationships and yet don’t seem to put much rational thought or logic into their relationships.. Its like a a drug that simply can’t be resisted and within the entire mirage of the relationship overly romantic notions are carelessly thrown about as if we live in some idealistic fairytale. As a community you guys at LS obviously put a lot of experience and rational thought into these discussions and so im eager for some other peoples perspectives. The entire subject fascinates me !

 

So LS obviously this verges on philosophy but do you think that we as a culture have our mass perspective of love in a twist.. Or do you think there’s no harm in aiming for ultimate passion perusing that heady feeling of infatuation and ultimately moving on? Obviously im generalizing a lot here but im just presenting a potential viewpoint...

Edited October 25, 2010 by SoItGoes.

[Els]

I honestly think this is very true. It's not just the infatuation - it's the expectation of perfection.

 

I grew up in a third world country, and I have NEVER heard of anyone divorcing due to lack of sex. I have never heard of people breaking up because the girl refused to use BC pills. I have never heard of people breaking up because 'he didn't buy me the right type of ring I wanted'. Those may all be exaggerations, but one impression remains clear from my view of this board: The things that many people here consider solid grounds for breakup, or dealbreakers, are so numerous and trivial that I don't wonder why so many are perpetually single.

[In The Green]

True, relationships are different compared to the past. Yet I am glad for some changes. As a woman I do not require a man to be allowed to survive. I now can work, own property and have means to fend for myself. In the old days if a woman's husband died and she couldn't remarry that family was in serious trouble - it was horrible how vulnerable they were.

 

However because of this the dynamic then changes from a woman must cleave to a man or "perish" to one of joining with man if she chooses. We've gone from "submit" to "choose". Choice is actually harder because you're not forced into a partnership, you chose to be there so in some ways your character is challenged so much more so, this type of partnership really reveals who you are. Both partners have to own up to their choice of mate and decisions or conduct done. As such, some do better than others.

 

I wouldn't really analyze late teen early 20s people. This is not the age bracket of logic nor wisdom - they're still growing up. Rom Coms aren't very idealistic - they usually depict very flawed, creepy people if you analyze the characters. They follow a very tired formula and are rarely inspiring for love.

 

I would instead say that the fear of loneliness/exile and inablity to be alone are much larger factors in people rushing in and choosing poor mates. It causes them to have lower standards and ignore their intuition.

 

Passion is important, when also coupled with things like commitment, intimacy, honesty, empathy, love, etc. Passion by itself can be a rather hollow thing.

[SoItGoes.]

In the Green.. Very true. I made no mention to the clear plus cultural relativism has created for Woman's equality. Interesting point regarding woman having to go from "submitting" to "choosers". Whilst this is a natural right of equality its also one i feel (as a man) woman are far more apt to make. How many times do you see a man blunder into a relationship on looks alone.. (more biased towards my age group of course) where as, it might seem that a woman's higher risk in the reproduction game has lead woman to biologically be more concise mate selectors..

 

However again challenging the wider picture, pychologically i personally find it harder to deal with emotions of 'what could be' then dealing with 'what is'. Happiness is subjective as they say..Freedom of choice is a inheritly good thing, but with this choice i still don't think it harms to challenge the romanticised view of perfection that the media throws at us. Especially when Children and dependents come into the picture regarding ending a relationship.. Maybe we are damaging our long term happiness by simply aiming too high..

 

Not to say that i can't distinquish between an unhealthy relationship worth leaving and a healthy relationship that should be cherished. I just question whether society is making some quite satisfactory relationships appear below par to many. Leading to a lot of grief and destruction.

[In The Green]

However again challenging the wider picture, pychologically i personally find it harder to deal with emotions of 'what could be' then dealing with 'what is'. Happiness is subjective as they say..Freedom of choice is a inheritly good thing, but with this choice i still don't think it harms to challenge the romanticised view of perfection that the media throws at us. Especially when Children and dependents come into the picture regarding ending a relationship.. Maybe we are damaging our long term happiness by simply aiming too high..

 

Ah this is where it does get subjective! People can sometimes recognize freedom of choice but almost all have great difficulty allowing one of the greatest principles of all: free will. (especially in relationships!) Our current modern concepts of relationships are still focused on trying to manipulate and control the other. "You have to do xxx and xxx to make me happy, secure, etc." Its of a funny act of being too controlling of the other person and at the same time giving away their power because they base their state off of what the other person does. This doesn't earn one a very good result as people discover in time.

 

Back to subjectivity...what is perfection? What is aiming too high? People are at all different levels of capability of love and the kind of life they want to experience. One person's heaven is person's hell, and all that. One person's ceiling is another person's floor. It is not for me to judge what others want for their dreams, my responsibility is to live up to my own.

 

As for broken relationships, I think in western culture we have forgotten the cycles of things, especially death/rebirth. Some things are meant to endure and other to die to allow for new things to enter. If life has change planned for you, it will happen either by you recognizing it early on or the train tracks will be diverted for you.

[desertIslandCactus]

It is said that one doesn't know if it is truly 'love' until in marriage, when you are actually living with the individual and bound by the matrimonial contract.