Online dating: an open list of needs/wants?

[Star Gazer]

I didn't realize that you have an album on here.

 

Wow, you are really pretty. Also, for what it's worth you are much better looking than your ex (he is kind of average - sorry just being honest).

 

I do see what you mean. If I could use one word to describe the vibe I get from your pictures, it's "classy".

 

Hahahahaha! EVERYONE says that about Skiman. I realize it's probably true, but at the time I thought he was the cat's pajamas! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder! And you really should see his arse...

 

And thank you, that's the vibe I aim for on a day-to-day basis. (Don't get me wrong, I have my party girl pictures too... I just don't use them as bait...)

[D-Jam]

I think lists do more harm than good.

 

First off, I don't care how many lists you make...there are guys on dating sites who simply email any and all pretty girls. Doesn't matter if she asks for height, physical shape, money, whatever. They simply go from hot photo to hot photo and email her with the idea of "can't harm anyone to try".

 

I think it's fine to say what you want in a mate. Lord knows I've had people tell me I needed to do that when I had a profile, but I agree on making it more prose and especially be aware that your list is like the same list most women ask for.

 

Cute/hot and sexy

Tall and in shape

 

This is all subjective. Even a quasimodo of a guy could think he's tall enough, in shape, and cute/hot/sexy. Plus in a profile it makes you look shallow. I'd probably leave the "cute/hot/sexy" part out and just decide for yourself when you're going through profiles in your inbox.

 

The tall part I'd also tell you to be realistic about. Seems like women left and right want 6' and taller, but there aren't enough guys that tall with the looks, intelligence, and desire for a RL compared to many who simply just want to get laid. Bear in mind many guys who see they are the "wanted standard" will decide banging random women is more fun than having a GF.

 

Intelligent and quick witted

Animated and passionate

Have a sarcastic sense of humor

Kind and reliable

Romantic and likes to express affection by touch

A gentleman that will treat me like a lady

Have a stable job and direction in life

Relationship oriented

Likes animals

All of this is the typical thing women put...and even guys who have none of those standards will email you anyway and pretend they do.

 

Intelligent, quick-witted, animated, passionate, sense of humor, kind, reliable...you can only really determine when you're dating someone. Maybe some of it you can get over emails, but you're not going to just say it and somehow keep the "idiots" from emailing you.

 

"Romantic and likes to express affection by touch" I'd be careful with. Many guys can be clueless and simply think to then try to move too fast. So you'll end up with guys on the first date trying to make out with you.

 

Gentleman, stable job, direction in life, RL-oriented...those again are things you can't determine on a web site. I've heard enough stories of guys who say to the girl how he wants to get married and have a family only to tell her a few months into it that he's not looking for anything serious. I've seen guys who open doors and pull chairs up until they get laid...then stop. Plenty more who appear as if they have a good job, only they don't...or they become massive workaholics and thus were hoping for a part-time fun girl as opposed to a girlfriend.

 

I'd tell you not to mention the animals, but perhaps if you have several photos of you on your profile, put one with your animals so anyone with allergies will know you love animals.

 

I'm not trying to knock your desires, but if the goal is really to "weed out" the undesirables from emailing you, then it won't happen. Maybe if you join some site that's all about hot successful people where the users can vote out the uglies and undesirables...but in reality many guys on dating sites will lie and play the numbers game to get what they want. If you're not meeting the kinds of men you really want, then think about two things:

 

1) Are you the kind of woman the "ideal men" would want?

 

2) Are those men on this site?

 

If #1 is a "no" then you rethink what you want. If #2 is a "no" then you're better off getting off the site and looking elsewhere to find those men

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I am considering putting a list of what I look for in a man on my profiles. I left it deliberately vague in the past so that more men would contact me. Now I worry that it made me seem "low value" and if I had a longer list men would see me of more of a "prize" than I really am.

 

So this is what I thinking about:

 

(in no particular order)

 

 

• Cute/hot and sexy
  
• Tall and in shape
  
• Intelligent and quick witted
  
• Animated and passionate
  
• Have a sarcastic sense of humor
  
• Kind and reliable
  
• Romantic and likes to express affection by touch
  
• A gentleman that will treat me like a lady
  
• Have a stable job and direction in life
  
• Relationship oriented
  
• Likes animals
  

Is this a turn off?

 

 

 

Um, yeah, you're going to find those online and all in the same person...

[LittleTiger]

Um, yeah, you're going to find those online and all in the same person...

 

Change the 'sarcastic sense of humour' to 'great sense of humour' and yes, that describes my man perfectly - and I met him online.

[callingyouuu]

I would find seeing a shopping list of qualities generally off-putting. I haven't even met the person yet, and I am asked to screen myself out the door? No, thanks.

 

We were covering romantic relationships in psych class a few years ago, and we all did an exercise where everyone in the class would list out his or her ideal qualities in a partner. Our TA read out all of the qualities we listed (anonymously, of course), and pretty much everyone, male and female, listed VERY similar things, even if not in the same words. Funny, attractive, passionate, outgoing, kind, financially stable...etc. The point? EVERYONE is looking for these things, because looking for the opposite would be a boring, ugly, lazy agoraphobe who kicks puppies and spends all of his/her money at the horse track.

 

OP, I just don't want you to turn away people who would actually be good for you by putting up a semi-arbitrary list of vague requirements on your profile.

[utterer of lies]

I tend to skip profiles like that. It shows a lack of imagination.

 

Not if it's the right few sentences.

 

Mindless droning is not sexy. And even if the text is ok, too much of it will just ruin everything. A few hooks to get into a discussions are good, a list of details of whatever is just plain boring.

[dispatch3d]

It's going to get attention from overly cocky guys who think they are the ****, and guys who actually have high self esteem. If I had to guesstimate the ratio of the two, it would be probably 10:1 minimum....

[Mme. Chaucer]

I'm sure I've posted this before ... forgive me if I'm redundant.

 

I met my SO online after MANY dating fails for both of us. He'd been trying, on and off, for FIVE YEARS.

 

The way we connected was not even related to any listed features. In our case, we both responded to the "tone" of one another's profiles. I think we both somehow revealed some of our core values, most deeply ingrained traits and where we were in life that way, and we were able to recognize our compatibility.

 

S never wrote that he had a hysterical sense of humor, but he sure demonstrated it.

 

Both of us happen to be very good at expressing ourselves through the written word, so this certainly worked in our favor.

 

Also, the photos - I can remember exactly how much I responded to his wry smile and twinkling eyes in his pictures. I felt a huge wave of YES. Even though he was smoking ... a terrible deal breaker for me, and he listed that he did drink, and I am a recovering addict.

 

I am not advocating abandoning your own standards. The smoking and drinking thing just happened to work out for me in this one case and I think it was a total fluke. What I am suggesting, though, is that you try to really let something deep about yourself be seen through your profile and then find the ability to ACCEPT that this is not going to be seen by just anyone. You are very attractive, OG, and you will always have the guys who are just seeing that ... but if a "right" person is looking at your profile, be sure that you are showing something for him to recognize!