vanek26 Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Hey everyone. I'm a 20 year old male who was a hopeless hermit for most of his life, but over the past year I've broken out of my shell and have adapted to almost all of my age group's cultural trends. I go out, dance, drink, smoke, socialize, dress nicely, take good care of myself, etc. Reason being, I was lonely and desperate for a girlfriend. And although I am an attractive male (wish i knew how to upload pictures on here), being a social idiot made me very undesireable. Almost completely undateable, because A. my arena for meeting women was limited to school, work, and the internet only and B. I had no way to relate to the women I did meet. So I took a 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!" mentality. The results have been fairly impressive. I lost my virginity in the Spring and have had sex with 5 different women since that time, and have kissed or "hooked up" with countless others. But the elusive relationship status has still been out of my grasp. This seemed ridiculous to me at first because I always assumed you needed to be dating someone before they would reliably have sex with you. So it was strange that these women were eager to have sex but talk of a relationship scared them off. I decided I needed to rediscover the way I understand women and relationships. However, the learning curve has been sharp. Initially, all I had to go on was the media and conventional wisdom, which really give a misguided interpretation as to how women and relationships work. Of course, I understood the basics: Play hard to get to entice the women into wanting you because of that natural human condition that makes us yearn for what we cannot attain. I did that well. With some women, I was a little bit more receptive and sweet. With others, I was stoic and aloof. Either way though, whenever the conversation turned to relationship, **** hit the fan. Also, making that one fatal move seems to doom me beyond repair. There was this girl who I was having sex with multiple times a week as well as going out on dates, texting each other the cute stuff, etc. She seemed totally into me. As soon as I brought up a relationship, she started flaking on me. Now we almost never talk, and when we do she is extremely (and annoyingly) distant with me. Come to think of it, we haven't had sex since I brought it up. So, given my experiences, here is my thesis: In today's day and age with the flow of information faster than ever before, the concept of dating just one person doesn't make a whole lot of sense. There is just too much accessability to the opposite sex to limit oneself. Facebook, texting, picture messages, video chat, online dating sites, etc etc have all revolutionized the dating world. It's SO easy for women to get together with as many different men as they see fit, it just doesn't make sense to be exclusive. In fact, the desire to be exclusive seems to stem from insecurity. "What if I can't find anyone else?" A gorgeous, confident woman (the type of woman I am pursuing) does not fear this. She knows she has access to whoever she wants whenever she wants. It's just counter-intuitive to behave otherwise. Now, to clarify, this isn't always the case. I have met many stunningly beautiful girls who were hopelessly devoted to one single guy and were depressed that said guy would not be exclusive with them. However, I think that if these men would have expressed interest in a relationship from the get-go, they would have lost their luster. It's an uphill battle for sure. Your thoughts?
welikeincrowds Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Your thoughts? That you have an incredibly biased sample and you pulled your hypothesis out of thin air. People who don't want exclusivity don't want a serious relationship. That's it. Meanwhile, people who want exclusivity because they are insecure are people who shouldn't be dating. That's not a relationship, that's an issue that needs to be worked out, maybe with a mental health professional.
nice-easy-day Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 The results have been fairly impressive. I lost my virginity in the Spring and have had sex with 5 different women since that time, and have kissed or "hooked up" with countless others. But the elusive relationship status has still been out of my grasp. This seemed ridiculous to me at first because I always assumed you needed to be dating someone before they would reliably have sex with you. So it was strange that these women were eager to have sex but talk of a relationship scared them off. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe these women don't look at you as "relationship material"? It's not that they don't want an exclusive relationship, they just don't want it with a 'player'. Let's just be honest, you are a player and trust me you can't fool your g/f on that one. Now it sounds like you have come a long way with your life and I'm happy for you. I suggest go out and have fun like you are doing but get it out of your system. Let's call it "sowing your wild oats" Overall, I believe the main issue here is you're not putting into context the age group that you are dealing with. It sounds like you are in your early 20's. When you get to your early 30's the game is going to change a bit. Women are going to be looking for the 'exclusive' relationship. Also, you mentioned... [A gorgeous, confident woman (the type of woman I am pursuing) does not fear this. She knows she has access to whoever she wants whenever she wants. It's just counter-intuitive to behave otherwise.] Yes, this type of woman knows she can have you, and many other guys as a "boy toy." . Perhaps the exclusive relationship that you say you're looking for will only come when you make a girl feel loved and cherished. So overall I disagree with your post. I think you're looking at women and putting the blame on them instead of questioning your true intentions and what you want. It's not that most girls don't want a LTR. It's that you don't
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 That you have an incredibly biased sample and you pulled your hypothesis out of thin air. People who don't want exclusivity don't want a serious relationship. That's it. Meanwhile, people who want exclusivity because they are insecure are people who shouldn't be dating. That's not a relationship, that's an issue that needs to be worked out, maybe with a mental health professional. While the hypothesis is a bit of a stretch... it IS based on his observations and experiences which are very valid. It matches what I see from some of my relatives in that age group. Exclusivity is a mutual agreement, with no enforceability. Because of that I don't really see it as an insecurity thing for most people. It's more about establishing relationship boundaries... which should be done in any relationship. Insecurity is more commonly expressed as jealous or doormat like behaviors.
D-Jam Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 I think it's the other way around. Women get into hookup culture because they think boys won't like them if they don't put out...and if they can't get the guys the other women will belittle them. The OP is 20, and in my eyes I don't see anyone aged 16-23 as mature enough in this day and age to know if they really want to remain single and free or get committed. Many men and women in that age group fly more in insecurity and emotion. Men are pushed to become "ladies men" and it's somehow a badge of honor to shag many women. Women are pushed to be beautiful and desirable, and even trying to call a girl a "s!ut" for being promiscuous now more comes off as "you're just jealous because guys want me". The real issue/challenge is when people get older. Especially when you hit the age range of 26-35. Suddenly you have divisions. Those who want to settle down, commit, marry, etc...and those who either want to remain "single 4 life" or don't feel ready yet to settle down. Thus you hit many problems where you see men and women come out of dating disgruntled because one side won't commit or one side won't stop pushing for commitment. I can only imagine how much damage Generation Z is going to have when they get older and the mess made from hookup culture takes a real hit.
Fire Salamander Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 I used to be just like you. Now that you have gained social and emotional intelligence this is the truth. It's not so much that exclusive relationships are on the decline, but the non exclusive ones are on the rise. Nobody wants to give up their options.
FearandLoathing Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 They're not on the decline, it's just the age group you're discovering girls in. Also, being in an exclusive relationship doesn't make someone insecure lol. If anything I would say that someone who hooks up with many people or sleeps around is the insecure one, searching for validation through sex and many partners.
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