shayan Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Some history I am a 21 year student. I love to help people, have many good close friends, and have pretty good social skills. I apoligize because I have alot of humor and get distracted at points along in the post, but that should make it an easier read. here we go To start with good confident conversational posture is important. for men a good posture is often an open legged assymetrical and relaxed one. For woman a crossed leg relaxed posture works, women are so beautiful (sorry for digressing). It's very important to be relaxed and not too uptight or formal. In terms of eye contact it's not good to constantly look for a long period at the person (unless you are feeling the heat of passion lol), you should occasionally allow yourself to look away or atleast let your head be relaxed and move from time to time. Here is a good example of both postures and good eye contact, except for men allow your backs to lean backwards a little. http://www.corbisimages.com/Enlargement/42-21885647.html Next the most important thing is learning to talk naturally. This means going into conversation without any expectations and being just yourself. This is the hardest thing I feel most people have to overcome. Many people think that in order to have a succesful conversation the topics must be incredibly interesting or funny or something. This is wrong! In fact this is incredibly self defeating because it puts a lot of pressure on yourself to be interesting and makes it harder to just be your self. And if you can't be yourself in a conversation well then it's not going to go far. The feel of the conversation your tone and ability to be natural, confident, and open minded is much more important than the content. So what can you bring to the plate? My usual methodology especially for befriending strangers in classes, at parties, and on the subway (yes I've actually made friends who I still contact on the subway, it can be done), is to start by saying a regular hello and commenting on the scenery or just asking a question, improvisation is important. Here's a good example, you're waiting for the bus, and there is an old kind man sitting next to you reading the paper. You see that he is reading the sports section and you ask how your city's national football team is doing. From here you can gauge his response and move forward. Omg old nice guy well that's easy enough not too much pressure, what if it's a hot girl totally looking away and all intimidating. Hehehe Treat her exactly like you did the old man, she is just a person a human being, there is nothing about her that makes her more special than anyone else period. Repeat the bus scenario, walk up to her and ask her if she knows when the next bus is coming. She'll probably say no she has no clue, and then you can be like "no one does nowadays, I think the drivers, take extra stops at dunkin donuts." She will proabably laugh and then you ask something else. Do you see the trend I'm going with here, is the bus coming, or a football team standing such a hot conversational thread. Not really. And you didn't even need to memorize something to say, you picked up all the material from your environment. The more you improvise the better you get at it, so significant practice in real life situations is an absolute must. I've started numerous conversations by just saying hi, how are you doing? and get a response, here is an example I did on the bus. Hi how are you? "ok, this weather is killing me" "yeah I know, but you know what I love rain for some reason it makes me smile" and there you go. We don't have to have elaborate reasons to approach someone, we are human beings afterall and social by nature that's the only reason we should need. Also, it's ok to talk about just about anything as long as it isn't offending, or dirty. Golden rule. Ask listen carefully and respond people love being listened too. In fact if you can make them feel good about themselves, they'll attach those feelings to you and want to stay by. This doesn't matter if it's platonic or romantic, same sex, tran sex, or trans species (dogs talk too) conversation. When you are uncomfortable talking to someone it doesn't matter if you're talking about the most interesting thing in the world you will project that discomfort unto them and they'll want to get away yes dogs will run away too if you make them uncomfrotable unless they really like you. Avoid boasting, avoid talking about yourself too much, avoid putting the other person on the spot, and if they don't ask about you don't become irritated, it's ok to add the occasional self comment even if they don't prompt it. For example, she begins talking about her life's passion of sticthing, well it's ok to talk aboout what makes you passionate after you've listened to her and gave her feedback. So recapping everything thus far, Focus on being yourself and responding, instead of trying to be super interesting. convey confidence, and relaxation, comfort is incredibly important when making friends, you have to be comfortable. oh and I prefer asking for peoples emails rather than phone numbers because it's less pressure and responsiblity on the suppliers part. Unless they're old and don't have one. and also you will only make friends with a fraction of the people you speak to. I only advise you to ask for contact information if you felt you made a genuine connection to that person, if not just say bye and go. oh and most importantly you need to be Shojah, In persian this means brave. Because talking to people requires a sense of bravery I believe. And realize you will fail so many times and be awkward, and say the wrong thing, and look stupid. It just happens you can't care what others think you just got to be yourself. One time I went up three girls on a subway and jokingly said five dollar footlong because we were on the 'subway' get it. I didn't realize at the time the sexual implications that the comment had. Lol holy **** that was akward. More to come in the near future and tips. Please post any questions you have and I'll gladly answer.
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