Is it enough to only have some guilt but not total remorse?

[knuckles]

Hi I'm back after a long while.

It's been now 9 months since dating my new boyfriend. To make long story short and get to the point, I replied back to another man's kiss and there was some making-out. It was in a frat party and all of us got intoxicated. When I mean all, it's everybody I'm referring to.

 

This happened a month ago but ironically we had this conversation once long ago. My boyfriend wouldn't want to know if I drunkenly kiss another dude. The reason is because an ex confessed to cheating and he obviously wasn't too pleased about it and kept telling me it would have been better if she had kept her mouth shut. Instead of Why you did it, his first question to her was Why are you even telling me.

 

I've decided this isn't worth creating trust issues nor further dramas over a pathetic kiss. At the same time by not telling, I'm technically respecting his wish too.

 

However, the one issue what's been bothering me lately is why I don't feel heavy remorse (little if any). I know this won't happen again but I really don't regret going to the party nor getting drunk (when everyone else is doing it, it's hard to say no). What will change is I'm obviously not going to let another man kiss me.

 

So I'm I wrong for not feeling remorse as in crying or saying ''My goodness will he ever forgive me or not'', that type of thing. It's not coming out of me but I do feel quiet somewhat embarrassed about the way I acted out. I don't feel bad about partying all day long though.

It's like I feel guilty for not having those feelings.

Edited October 25, 2010 by knuckles

[BrokenArrow1987]

It's your fault for putting yourself in that situation. I mean getting drunk at a frat party is just asking for it in the first place. If you had the intentions of being faithful in the you would have reconsidered going. Since you were practically planning on cheating on him it's easy to see why you don't have anyremorse. maybe your getting back at him for not being concered if you are actaully cheating on him or not that he just rather not know about it. so what are you asking advice for? how you can try to feel more guilty? because no advice anyone can give you can make you have a conscious.

[knuckles]

so what are you asking advice for? how you can try to feel more guilty?

You got it. I know this can't be the normal reaction of someone who just cheated. There is something wrong and it's bothering me.

[BrokenArrow1987]

just because you dont feel bad for it dosent mean its not wrong. It's not ok to do something wrong just because you dont feel bad about it. thats what narcisists do. If I rob a store and I dont feel bad because I wasn't caught, I'm not going to try to figure out a way to try and feel bad about it. But maybe I may realize that it's ethically wrong to do and make a decision not to steal anymore. you get what I"m saying?

Edited October 25, 2010 by BrokenArrow1987

[BrokenArrow1987]

I use to be a professional shoplifter, theres no way I could pay back all I've stolen or remember everything I stole. I've never been caught but somwhere down the line I grew out of it and decided that all my justifications for stealing were bull**** and that if I can aford to buy something I should pay for it and if I can't afford it I shouldn't have it or should save for it. this is where morals come from and you wont feel guilty for anything if you have no morals. It's sounds like your a victim of need for instant gratification which is typical in todays society. If you just want to feel bad eat a bunch of junkfood and sit on your couch all day watching TV and you'll feel like crap in a few hours. Sometimes I wonder if I can be forgiven for my sins because I don't always feel as guilty as I should. But the time will come when you will see or hear about something that will remind you of yourself and you will relect back on your actions in life and not be happy with the person you are now and hopefully that will give you reason enough to change. At that moment you'll realize it not just the single kiss that you feel guilty about, but that it's a flawed characteristic about you that you may have always had for as long as you remember that led you to do these things. These flaws are part of what makes us human but when we decide to try to strengthen our character where we are weak is what makes a human a real man or woman.

Edited October 25, 2010 by BrokenArrow1987

[Bryanp]

I guess my question to you is how would you feel if the roles were reversed? It sounds to me that your boyfriend is not really that important to you at all.

[knuckles]

I guess my question to you is how would you feel if the roles were reversed? It sounds to me that your boyfriend is not really that important to you at all.

I've cheated on before by a past b/f (caught him where I walked in on him receiving oral sex from my now ex friend. The feeling I recalled at the time were anger and it was as if I wasn't good enough to him. At first I forgave him but then it escalated to me hitting him (I thought that was the way to deal with it, by turning physical) whenever I got reminded. This kept going on for so long until we had a big argument which led to us destroying each other cell phones. I threw his first then he went after mine and did the same thing. It was over as it wasn't solving anything and he was now starting to retaliate, which further infuriate me (it's like yelling on an explosive person, it doesn't help out and I can fight back... it's not like I'm small nor made out of feathers).

Anyways he's out of my life. Don't get me know, I do care about my boyfriend and know this won't happen again but it's my reaction which I'm questioning. There isn't as much remorse nor regret as I thought there would have been.

 

Alright maybe this isn't worth trying to beat myself over it and I should just focus on being a good girlfriend, not drinking to excess and simply not doing it again.

[make me believe]

My boyfriend wouldn't want to know if I drunkenly kiss another dude. The reason is because an ex confessed to cheating and he obviously wasn't too pleased about it and kept telling me it would have been better if she had kept her mouth shut. Instead of Why you did it, his first question to her was Why are you even telling me.

 

Doesn't this raise some red flags for you? I'd guess that you don't feel guilty for cheating because your boyfriend practically gave you permission to do so, as long as you don't tell him about it afterwards. It's REALLY weird to me that he said if you kiss another guy he wouldn't want to know about it. It makes me think that he's taking it both ways, and convincing himself it's ok for him to kiss other girls too, as long as you don't find out about it. I'd be extremely concerned if my BF told me that if I kissed another guy he didn't want to know about it..

[Untouchable_Fire]

I've cheated on before by a past b/f (caught him where I walked in on him receiving oral sex from my now ex friend. The feeling I recalled at the time were anger and it was as if I wasn't good enough to him. At first I forgave him but then it escalated to me hitting him (I thought that was the way to deal with it, by turning physical) whenever I got reminded. This kept going on for so long until we had a big argument which led to us destroying each other cell phones. I threw his first then he went after mine and did the same thing. It was over as it wasn't solving anything and he was now starting to retaliate, which further infuriate me (it's like yelling on an explosive person, it doesn't help out and I can fight back... it's not like I'm small nor made out of feathers).

Anyways he's out of my life. Don't get me know, I do care about my boyfriend and know this won't happen again but it's my reaction which I'm questioning. There isn't as much remorse nor regret as I thought there would have been.

Alright maybe this isn't worth trying to beat myself over it and I should just focus on being a good girlfriend, not drinking to excess and simply not doing it again.

 

Any chance that your taking revenge against your ex... by victimizing your current BF? I see girls your age do this type of thing a lot.

 

I would also note that the story you tell about your BF not wanting to know about cheating... seems like a rationalization to me. Your taking a story out of context and applying it to your own poor actions to artificially reduce your guilt level. It seemed from the story that his Ex confessed to cheating later, after a breakup. I might be wrong.... but that is radically different from your situation.

 

Also... you seem to have some anger control issues.

[knuckles]

Any chance that your taking revenge against your ex... by victimizing your current BF? I see girls your age do this type of thing a lot.

It's a possibility.

Also... you seem to have some anger control issues.

This was in the past. I haven't been getting into fights nor will I unless someone hits me or a touches me in an inappropriate manner (ex: an old man gropes me from behind then I'll sock him good).

[Woggle]

Quite honestly it seems you don't love him enough to feel guilty.

[knuckles]

Quite honestly it seems you don't love him enough to feel guilty.

I do feel some guilt but not to the point of crying nor asking for forgiveness.

[MalachXaviel]

When someone does something bad to me, it's not how guilty they feel that eases the pain. It's what they do to make up for it. I recommend telling him the truth, and then trying to make it up to him. If he finds out any other way, odds are that'll be the end of the relationship right there.

 

It's not necessarily always about sparing him from the pain, but also about karma and keeping your own integrity. Somewhere down the road this situation might happen to you again, but you may not be able to react to it properly because you'd have the experience of being on the giving end of it and not handling it the right way.

 

After all, how can you be justified in being mad about someone doing this to you and lying about it, if deep down you know you'd do the same?

[knuckles]

After all, how can you be justified in being mad about someone doing this to you and lying about it, if deep down you know you'd do the same?

I didn't know this was going to happen and always told myself how cheating was low.

I still haven't told him and nobody but him (who I haven't talked to since then) knows about the kissing incident.

 

There are times I feel awful about the kissing but not to the point of tears. I can now say we're in love.

[aerogurl87]

If you don't have remorse, then you never learned your lesson. Guilt just makes you feel bad, remorse makes you think twice about making the same mistake again in the future.

[knuckles]

If you don't have remorse, then you never learned your lesson. Guilt just makes you feel bad, remorse makes you think twice about making the same mistake again in the future.

I do feel bad about what happened that day but decided to put this behind.

 

Thinking about this every day isn't going to help out in anything.

[knuckles]

Yeah and the anger issue, not to sound rude, but I wouldn't be surprised if you wind up behind bars, your little anger tantrums how ever small they maybe can equivocate into an act of domestic violence. I think you have some issues with yourself that you need to workout.

I wasn't like this when my then first bf met me. He did it himself. Getting cheated on like that can make any individual react angrily.

[Woggle]

I wasn't like this when my then first bf met me. He did it himself. Getting cheated on like that can make any individual react angrily.

 

What he did was wrong but you are no longer with him so you need to take responsibility for yourself.

[knuckles]

What he did was wrong but you are no longer with him so you need to take responsibility for yourself.

I had gotten over that loser until we ran into each other two weeks ago at a bar.

Apart from that I've been careful at drinking since then and haven't repeated the same thing again.

I learned from this and no still haven't told him. I'm not planning to either.