Boyfriend's female friends

[bianca_87]

I'm in a relationship with my boyfriend for over two years, and while I'm happy with most things, the main thing that causes fights and unhappiness for me from time to time is his friendship with women.

 

I am okay with him being friends with women in general, and I have gotten along and hung out with some of his female friends (not exes)..however there are some things that makes me uncomfortable.

 

1) He is the type who stays friends with his exes, and the one I'm most threatened about is his last one before dating me as he use to bring her up now and then in the beginning of the relationship, and I felt compared which wasn't the best feeling. But when I told him to not mention her anymore, he stopped out of respect, but they do still communicate. She is overseas, but the last time she came to visit they had a fling, but that was before I met my boyfriend. Now after three to four years, she's coming back again and he wants to catch up with her. He tried to convince me it is just friendship and nothing more, and that they've been friends even before dating, but I can't help but to feel really uncomfortable. I'm already uncomfortable with them communicating, but for her to see him after being out of the country for quite a bit of time, and knowing what happened the last time she came back...I just can't help but to feel insecure. The reason for their breakup sounded very unresolved. At the time neither of them wanted to get serious. When I told my boyfriend how horrible I feel about him wanting to see her, he told me he needs time to decide what to do as she is important to him too and that he really wants to catch up with his friend. I'm scared once he sees her in person again, he'll want her again and think about her a lot.

 

Am I being unreasonable? Should I really be okay with it and suck it up?

 

2) He has a female best friend (I haven't met this person). This one isn't an ex, but she is very close to him and they text most days. He has been friends with her for nearly ten years, and he has had the history of helping her whenever she's in a mess. Now he is the type to say Love You to people he cares about when they need to hear it. I was quite devastated to learn that he would say Love you to his best friend as well as some of his exes. I know the kind of "I Love You" he would say to these women is different to the one I get from him, but he is still saying these words to all these women. I love hearing these words from him but to know he is also saying it to other women makes me sad and feel like I'm competing with these other women. I've expressed how I felt, and again it became something he needed to think about because to him it felt like it was something he had to change about himself. I've decided to compromise and told him I rather he say those words to his best friend instead than his exes, and he was finally ok with that. To be honest I am still not okay with him saying these words to his best friends and have such a close connection with her. I, on the other hand consider him my best friend and wish to have the closest connection with him. I just don't know how to deal with it.

 

It is just hard to understand...if it was me and if I am doing something that I know is hurting my partner I would try my best to stop. I am not asking him to end these friendships. I am grateful he is considering at least, but if I was really that important he wouldn't need that much time to decide what to do. That tends to bother me a bit.

 

Any advice? I can't help but to feel territorial, I really love him and as selfish as it sounds I want to feel like the only special woman in his life. I feel that is lacking in the relationship and I want it so much.

Edited October 25, 2010 by bianca_87

[bianca_87]

It is a very difficult situation, as I don't want to appear like I'm trying to break up friendships, or change who he is, but it is very hard to ignore the feelings I have about the situations. I wish there is a way for me to deal with it.

[Fire Salamander]

Wow I thought only women did this.

I guess the only thing for you to do is... go make friends with lots of guys. Play the same game.

 

Otherwise you're just going to have to accept this or leave him.

[bianca_87]

Wow I thought only women did this.

I guess the only thing for you to do is... go make friends with lots of guys. Play the same game.

 

Otherwise you're just going to have to accept this or leave him.

 

Yes women tend to throw around I love yous very easily, I sometimes say that to my female friends too.

 

I do have guy mates, that is why I am generally ok with my boyfriend having female friends, but I never ever say I love you to my guys mates, to me friendship is what you make of it. I am there for my friends, that shows I love them already. Saying I love you and sending xoxo especially through texting is what I reserve for my boyfriend. Is it fair to say I want the same in return?

 

It is so hard to break up with him, but it does make sense to end it if this is something he can't give me.

[bianca_87]

Stop being so territorial then.

 

Not helping.

[GooseChaser]

I wouldn't worry about if he is going to get back together with his ex, or even hook up with a friend. If it happens, it happens, and you will know it wasn't meant to be. In that case, you would then be free to meet someone new who makes you happy rather than insecure.

[bianca_87]

I wouldn't worry about if he is going to get back together with his ex, or even hook up with a friend. If it happens, it happens, and you will know it wasn't meant to be. In that case, you would then be free to meet someone new who makes you happy rather than insecure.

 

Thanks for your reply. That makes sense. It's just I wish to feel like I'm his most special girl, and I'm not getting much of that with the way he is with his close female friends.

[PratyekaYana]

It is just hard to understand...if it was me and if I am doing something that I know is hurting my partner I would try my best to stop. I am not asking him to end these friendships. I am grateful he is considering at least, but if I was really that important he wouldn't need that much time to decide what to do. That tends to bother me a bit.

 

Any advice? I can't help but to feel territorial, I really love him and as selfish as it sounds I want to feel like the only special woman in his life. I feel that is lacking in the relationship and I want it so much.

You are the only special woman in his life in the sense that you are the only woman with whom he has chosen to maintain a romantic relationship. His exes are just that--previous companions for whom he demonstrates no desire to reattach himself. This is an issue of insecurity, but, more importantly, it is an issue born out of compatibility.

 

To feel as close to your boyfriend as you would ideally want, he would have to revamp the nature of his entire relationship with these other, platonic female friends. Is that fair? Should he avoid catching up with a friend because you fear the possibility that doing so would awaken some connection that he's managed to suppress heretofore? Should he stop being so verbally affectionate towards his friend--with whom he has a decade of history--simply because you cannot emotionally distinguish his ILYs towards them from the ones that he offers to you? No, on all fronts.

 

By that same token, is it fair for you to continually feel of lesser importance to your boyfriend's social circle? Is it fair for you to be constantly stricken with insecurity and anguish over who your boyfriend consorts with? No, again, on all fronts. Your need to be the closest, non-kin female presence in your boyfriends life is an understandable one. You'd find many in the world about who mimicked your feelings on the situation. The issue arises in the fact that your boyfriend isn't of that disposition.

 

Please note that I'm not trying to make a judgment call here. I share your boyfriend's philosophy on friendship with the opposite sex, and I don't think he's doing anything wrong in your relationship. I also don't think that you're doing anything wrong in trying to form a relationship that is comforting to your standards. Your only "downfall" is that you haven't yet decided whether or not you can eventually stomach your boyfriend's social arrangement. Can you see yourself, down the line, eventually becoming comfortable with the gender structure of his social circle? Is the relationship worth trying to make such psychological strides?

 

If not, you might be better off just getting out of it.

 

Wow I thought only women did this.

I guess the only thing for you to do is... go make friends with lots of guys. Play the same game.

 

Otherwise you're just going to have to accept this or leave him.

What game? It isn't as if he suddenly went out and picked up a new batch of female friends and this abrupt change in his socializing is what's causing the OP's insecurity. They were there before the OP even entered her boyfriend's life. How would deliberately entering into friendships with guys (for the express purpose of making her boyfriend as uncomfortable as she is for an entirely different set of reasons) be in any way justified?