Star Gazer Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Exactly, because it's a mind game, and it's really horrible. Rejecting her after for all she knows he cheated on her? After she already feels rejected, used, stupid? And all because he shouldn't "jump through hoops" of fixing a relationship that he stupidly, absent-mindedly broke? I'd call it manipulative but it's just tactless. What the **** is wrong with you? Because he's not innocent. He had a pair of some other girl's panties in his car. That's a violation. It really sucks that how it got there was apparently way out of his control, but it still happened. This is why US law makes a distinction between murder and manslaughter. He is justified in doing time to ensure that his girlfriend doesn't feel like ****. This, this, this!!! While it's unfortunate what happened, the onus is on the OP to fix this situation. Breaking up with her would cause permanent, irreparable damage. She would NEVER trust him again.
BackUpOrGetStung Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 (edited) Star Gazer, Who are you trying to kid? There's a very high possibility that irreparable damage has already been done and she may never trust him again anyway. That's the whole point of breaking up with her. It's for her to decide if this is the case or not, while allowing the OP to keep his dignity. Edited October 25, 2010 by BackUpOrGetStung
Author flyfishin Posted October 25, 2010 Author Posted October 25, 2010 I have read what back up and got stung had to say and i think he has some very valid points. the relationship maybe down the tubes and I'm saving myself the torment and she may come to her senses. But I also I agree at the same time it isn't right doing that as what other people are saying. Here is an update she text me today and said she is really trying in her hear to forgive me but it's hard. She also said she trusted me like no1 else before and now that's gone. She also told her best friend about it who never met me yet b/c she lives out of the country right now and her best friend told her not to believe me I agree with everyone who says I need to setup a face to face and give it one last shot by telling in her eyes I was wrong for having them in there but I never ever cheated on her! I just am unsure as to how to go about setting this up. She seems very distant and didn't answer my phone call and text me that she was on a conference call at work. Never heard back. Do I wait for her or should I be aggressive and set some kind of a face to face up?
BackUpOrGetStung Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 She already doesn't believe you. She said she's trying to "forgive" not "believe". The trust is gone. End it now, while you can still play the card. Text her back and say you can't remain in a relationship where there isn't trust. It will bring her back in, so you can at least have a talk with her, if she thinks she's losing you in a manner that's not on her terms. You already said you're not going to do what I advised, so now I'm just going to sit and watch you squirm.
Angel1111 Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Here is an update she text me today and said she is really trying in her hear to forgive me but it's hard. She also said she trusted me like no1 else before and now that's gone. She also told her best friend about it who never met me yet b/c she lives out of the country right now and her best friend told her not to believe me I agree with everyone who says I need to setup a face to face and give it one last shot by telling in her eyes I was wrong for having them in there but I never ever cheated on her! I just am unsure as to how to go about setting this up. She seems very distant and didn't answer my phone call and text me that she was on a conference call at work. Never heard back. Do I wait for her or should I be aggressive and set some kind of a face to face up? Instead of being aggressive, maybe you'll just want to be persistent. In response to what her friend told her, I would've texted back and said, "I can see how she would say that because it looks very bad. I know that. But I didn't do anything." I get the impression that she wants to trust you and that she's not eager to trash her relationship with you. That's a very good sign. But you must understand that this is something that she's going to have to process before she can come to terms with it. Call her again tonight. If she doesn't answer, send her a text that says, "I need to talk to you - at least one last time. And then I'll leave you alone forever if that's what you want." When you talk to her, tell her whatever you think will help and then suggest that the two of you take a one-week break if she thinks she needs that. After that time, let her know that you will call her and the two of you can talk again. If nothing has changed after that, then end the relationship.
Angel1111 Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 She already doesn't believe you. She said she's trying to "forgive" not "believe". The trust is gone. End it now, while you can still play the card. Text her back and say you can't remain in a relationship where there isn't trust. It will bring her back in, so you can at least have a talk with her, if she thinks she's losing you in a manner that's not on her terms. You already said you're not going to do what I advised, so now I'm just going to sit and watch you squirm. I think you're making sense but I do think that just dumping her without some attempt to make it right would look more like an admission of guilt. It would be the final dealbreaker, also. I agree that the amount of drama needs to be minimized but I also think that they need to talk about it before he drops the axe. Anything else would be spectacularly unfair, and he would lose her for good over a move like that.
BackUpOrGetStung Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 I told him to explain everything before doing it, not just end it with no explanation. Doesn't matter at this point, anyway, he's already ruled it out.
welikeincrowds Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Instead of being aggressive, maybe you'll just want to be persistent. I agree with this. Don't try to control her, and don't give up. For what it's worth, resolved conflict brings people closer together. I know that seems silly to say considering that trust is specifically what was damaged here, rather than a difference of opinion on what color couch to buy or whatever, but still, this may ironically help build a history of compatibility, understanding, and teamwork. Text her back and say you can't remain in a relationship where there isn't trust. "OK, neither can I. Bye!" Relationship over. You don't seem to understand that this is his bad, his problem, his responsibility. She hasn't done anything wrong. Her reaction is perfectly justified in every single way. The key is already in the ignition and she's ready to turn. If he wants to stay in this, dumping her or otherwise pushing her away is the absolute worst thing he could do.
flying Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 "OK, neither can I. Bye!" Relationship over. You don't seem to understand that this is his bad, his problem, his responsibility. She hasn't done anything wrong. Her reaction is perfectly justified in every single way. The key is already in the ignition and she's ready to turn. If he wants to stay in this, dumping her or otherwise pushing her away is the absolute worst thing he could do. Yes, exactly. Obviously, OP, you don't want to have to apologize endlessly for something you didn't do. But this just happened, and you're already considering telling her "Choose. Do it NOW."?? Seriously?? I think that if you take Back Up's advice, your relationship is over, for all intents and purposes. She will not trust you again. Perhaps she'll stick around for a bit, and yay, you're in control. Except for the part where she's secretly resenting and not trusting you, and things are never as good as they could have been. I mean, yes, if you just say, I can't deal with this, figure it out, you will cut out the part where you have to apologize more than once. You will also cut out the part where you earn her trust back. Is that BS? If you say so. But you also say you want this to work out. So maybe it's just not going to be that easy. That's life, and you have to clean up your mess...seeing as you didn't really clean out the car.
Author flyfishin Posted October 25, 2010 Author Posted October 25, 2010 just to update the situation she told me she wants to see me so I am going over her place later to hopefully sort this out. wish me luck!
Angel1111 Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 just to update the situation she told me she wants to see me so I am going over her place later to hopefully sort this out. wish me luck! Let us know how everything went. Good luck!
Palilas Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 I'm devastated right now. My g/f who I love more than anything in this world and has easily been the most compatible girl I've ever met was looking for her keys in my car since she dropped them and she looked under my seat and found a thong! This thong was from be4 I met her in back in may I went away for a night with this girl and it mustve fell out of her clothes bag under my seat! I never slept with any1 in my car before so I know it had to be her because it was from a very petite girl and she had that build. Noow my gf thinks I cheated on her with somebody in my car! It looks horrible but yes I had my car cleaned and I guess the guys left it in there. My gf doesn't trust me and doesn't think she can be with me anymore. What the hell do I do? I love this girl so much and I can't lose her! I never cheated on her and never would! It looks so bad!!!!! Hey Buddy, Don't panic if don't done any of this such thing then its fine. You just need some more information on such matter there are many Online dating blog and dating tips would help you a lot.
Author flyfishin Posted October 26, 2010 Author Posted October 26, 2010 She took me back!! And said she believes I didn't cheat but she has to slowly work on trusting me 100% like before! Thanks so much for all your support tips and help!!!!
Angel1111 Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 She took me back!! And said she believes I didn't cheat but she has to slowly work on trusting me 100% like before! Thanks so much for all your support tips and help!!!! Excellent! I'm so glad to hear it! For your part, don't start acting guilty and overly grateful - just be yourself and she'll gradually realize that you never had anything to hide. Now go clean out that car from top to bottom once and for all.
Star Gazer Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 She took me back!! And said she believes I didn't cheat but she has to slowly work on trusting me 100% like before! Thanks so much for all your support tips and help!!!! Yay!! So glad you didn't dump her...haha!
Author flyfishin Posted October 26, 2010 Author Posted October 26, 2010 Excellent! I'm so glad to hear it! For your part, don't start acting guilty and overly grateful - just be yourself and she'll gradually realize that you never had anything to hide. Now go clean out that car from top to bottom once and for all. LMAO I just did!!!
dreamingoftigers Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 LMAO I just did!!! I read this comment after the "Yay!! So glad you didn't dump her...haha!" comment and I was like, wtf? She takes him back after all of that and then he dumps her?
Feelin Frisky Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 That's a bummer. Are you able to communicate with her or did she just shut you out? If you can still talk to her you might try to lead her to ask if there is anything else about you that has indicated untrustworthiness? If the answer is no, and assuming she doesn't really just want you out of her life, then reassure her that this was just a terrible coincidence. If you've shown her nothing but consideration and exclusivity to this point you should at least get credit for what you have. If she then still can't or won't see that, then let her go. I had a girl move in with me and one time this shelf I had over the bed with speakers built into the bottom got knocked off it's fasteners. A pair of hair pins fell down on the bed. I had to go through the same bit with her. She had to be led by me to face the facts of my demonstrated exclusivity to her over the previous many months and put it to her that life isn't always a perfect bowl of cherries. Either we get over it or we selfishly write each other off.
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