Coeurbrisé Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Hey guys, I've been lurking on this forums for quite some time now. Trying to get some advice or tips to help me get over this hump. It hasn't been working too well so I've decided to post my story, in order to find the help that I need. ****warning: this post is lengthy**** My ex and I had been dating for close to 3 years now. We met on the internet and were on a long distance relationship. We live like 600 miles apart but we managed to meet more the once. Our relationship was great in the beginning but towards the end, it was difficult at times. I've been depressed throughout this relationship and it caused a lot of arguments and bickering. I know it was mostly my fault so I tried to change but unfortunately the changes came too late. My ex had a crush on somebody that I considered a friend. They spent a lot of time talking, texting and playing games together and I got jealous and started fights over it with my ex. I told this ''friend'' to back off because I noticed how they were spending a lot of time together and they just ignored it and it went on and on so I deleted them. My ex didn't appreciate my jealousy, saying that this person was just a friend and that nothing was going on. I didn't really believe her and one night after I was ignored the whole night in favor of her new ''friend'', I decided to break up with my ex. I regretted my decision right away, feeling like maybe I was just being jealous and that I hadn't thought about it carefully. After this happened, my ex went on a vacation with her friends. That vacation had been planned for months prior. What I didn't know is that there was a last minute change to the vacation and my ex was meeting up with her ''new friend'' ( mind you, my ex had known this person for roughly a month before they decided to meet.) They met up and ended up having sex. I was very crushed and upset when I learned what happened. I was especially upset about how my ex had planned the meeting while we were still dating and how she never admitted to anything until I made her confess it. After this, we officially broke up and went on no-contact. I became very depressed and suicidal. I cried all the time and missed a lot of work over this. I didn't know what to do with myself so I started going to counseling. Unfortunately therapy isn't really working for me and its been almost 3 months since the break up and I'm still very depressed and suicidal. So during the no contact period, my ex asked about me a lot to our common friend and we ended up talking again. She told me things like how she missed me and loves me and how she felt unsure about her decision. She also insisted that she didn't love that other person but somehow felt attracted to them because they had a lot in common and the prospective of a new relationship was attractive. We went on talking for a few weeks and she'd ask me very deep questions like if I thought that me and her were meant to be together and if I hoped that we would be back together. A few days after that conversation, I learned that she was meeting up again with her new ''friend'' and I became quite angry with my ex and basically told her that I hated her and didn't want to talk to her ever again. She was very upset about it saying that she needed me in her life and that I was her best friend and that she had no intentions in making her new ''friend'' her best friend. She was also upset about me deleting all her text messages, throwing away her gifts and deleting her pictures. They officially started dating after they met up. Now I'm sitting here, depressed with only anger and bitterness in my heart. I trusted her and loved her so much and she replaced me so easily. It really hurts and I don't know how to cope with this pain. I was doing so much better and I had decided to kick depression to the curb like 2-3 weeks before the breakup and now this happened. My self-esteem totally crumbled, my spirit shattered. I've been isolating myself more and more and been contemplating suicide as a solution. Not only would it get rid of the pain but it'd bring me satisfaction to know that I hurt my ex as much as she hurt me. I've tried suicide in the past and I almost succeeded but I decided to live and now I regret my choice, I wish I would have went all the way with it and died because my ex was the only good thing I had. I have nothing now. I don't really have friends, I don't really have a family. It seems like there's no way for me to get out of this and feel better so I think about suicide and other bad things. I don't know what to do anymore because I not only lost my girlfriend but I also lost my best friend. Now I don't have anybody to talk to anymore and it frustrates me even more considering the hard times I'm going through. I've tried talking to the only friend that I have but he's already sick of me talking about it and he doesn't understand it because he's never been in a relationship. I'm left lonely and heartbroken and I feel like I will never find another person like her. I'm rather shy and a bit overweight and a geek so I'm not the type of person that flirts and goes to clubs/bars. It's really tough for me right now, thinking about my ex being happy with somebody else while I'm all alone and angry. I don't know what to do or how to think anymore..I just go through my days hoping/wishing and waiting for the right occasion for me to off myself. I think I need help...
GrayClouds Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Sorry for your loss, it is very hard. It sounds like your a person of depth and care a great deal for your EX. That is something that says a great deal about you and something of which you should be proud. Even without the depression a break is difficult but trust me it does get better. There are things you can to do to help it. It is good you are in therapy. If the person your seeing now is not helping, and you feel like you given it enough time, try someone else. The other thing to do is to look into medication, it may not be a long term need but it can help you get to place where you can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Make sure your spending time with people who care, force yourself to be social with friends and family. Keep doing the thing that make you feel good. Finally, and this is paramount. Start getting some physical exercise. Even if you have to start with walking. do it every day, then twice a day go for a half hour/ hour walks. Then add some running into your schedule. Seriously look at join a gym and starting a lifting routine. There is no more effective treatment for depression then physical activity. It will not only give you something to do, keep your mind off the break up, but help you feel better. As a added bonus you will look a bit better. None of this is easy but waking up feeling like you do is not easy either but working hard at the things I suggest will make things better. Good luck and be kind to yourself. .
GrayClouds Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 And make sure your eating regular and good healthy food.
deuces Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 My heart goes out to you! I know it is difficult and you feel very alone but know that you are not alone. There are people out there that care. But they aren't going to find you if you don't find the strength and courage to leave your room/house. I know how it feels to make someone your life. I did the same thing with my ex. She broke up with me 3 months ago and it is still a struggle for me to just to get out of bed. But at the end of the day, I have to. I make myself. And you should too. I know it's not easy. There were times where I would just sleep all day so that the day could just be over. I don't have many friends either and don't like going out much but there are other ways to meet people. Try volunteering somewhere to change your perspective and help those who are less fortunate. Helping others can help yourself in the process. Just know that there is not one single human being that is more important than your own life. You have a responsibility to yourself to take care of yourself no matter how difficult it is. Try finding a different therapist that you can better relate to who can really feel what you are going through. And if you feel that your feelings are that volatile, then maybe some type of prescription meds might help to balance them out a bit to get you through this FOR NOW. I hope anything I have said may help you in any way.
deuces Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 btw, there are also several crisis/self-help hotlines out there available 24 hours if you need them. Reach out to anyone because what you're going through matters and you matter. Also, I really don't know how religious you are but honestly, when I was going thru my last breakup about 6 years ago, I found a church that I started going to that really helped me. I was never really religious but it was a non-denominational church that had a lot of great messages. Just don't give up!
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