maybe Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Dreaming of - I will make comments about my father, thank you very much. You don't know him, or me so I suggest you keep your moralising to yourself. What is it like being a paragon of the virtues by the way? Yes, my father was pretty crap - although I have forgiven him and we get on fine. He was not crap because he was unfaithful though. By the way, I have to say that the single most unattractive trait I find in anyone, man, woman or child is - self-righteousness. I would rather be married to an adulterer than someone who is wholly self-righteous.
maybe Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 "If you are someone who cannot commit to life-long monogamy then don't get married and don't have children. Prioritze what is right for you without dragging down others" Now - what is the divorce rate in the USA - 50% - so how many people find it quite difficult to stick with the monogamy model? Does that not tell you something about lifelong monogamy? Or do you subscribe to the Saudi Arabian model - you know, the one that says infidelity is fine for a man, but which stones the woman to death? By the way, I have never been unfaithful, not because I am any kind of paragon of the virtues, THANK GOD, but because I am a low risk kind of person.
bentnotbroken Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Dreaming of - I will make comments about my father, thank you very much. You don't know him, or me so I suggest you keep your moralising to yourself. What is it like being a paragon of the virtues by the way? Yes, my father was pretty crap - although I have forgiven him and we get on fine. He was not crap because he was unfaithful though. By the way, I have to say that the single most unattractive trait I find in anyone, man, woman or child is - self-righteousness. I would rather be married to an adulterer than someone who is wholly self-righteous. It is a public board and you brought your father's behavior into the convo. When we post about our lives they tend to become fair game for the masses. Just saying. *shrug*
jthorne Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 I don't care either way, just an observation. Its just that it comes across as cheerleading for cheating from one whose professed beliefs you'd least expect it from.I've been confused about this as well. I get the "hate the sin but love the sinner" but I believe God also teaches us to turn away from the sin. So patting the "sinner" on the head while simultaneously slapping the hands of those suggesting penance seems incongruent. It looks like the OP's kids are giving him a taste of this medicine. It is a public board and you brought your father's behavior into the convo. When we post about our lives they tend to become fair game for the masses. Just saying. *shrug**shrug* True dat.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Being an effective parent has got little if anything to do with one's sex life.[/QUOTE] Disagree completely. Your sex life is the strongest indication of your character. (Not sure why the quote was quoted like this, but I disagree with the second quote.) You are definitely entitled to your opinion, but that doesn't make YOUR opinion correct. I think most people would take issue with someone's sex life being the strongest indication of someone's character. Actions, not SEX, are the strongest indication of someone's character. Especially when no one's looking. And there are plenty of married people who have never cheated but enjoy sex with each over and probably have what you consider "over-inflated" sex lives. Your statement then means that they are of low character. Really? Sex is a wonderful experience between two consenting adults. It has nothing to do with parenting. People who have never cheated can be bad parents. Absent, work-aholic, overspending, overeating, gambling, alcoholic, depressed, on the computer all the time: all conditions that contribute to being a less than stellar parent. Yet they put the M at risk as well. As I'm reading these threads I am surprised by the sheer "I'm a better parent than..." Being a parent myself I make mistakes. I try to do the best I can with the information I have available but I can't fathom the prideful responses contained on these threads. We are talking about children here. Our little (or maybe not so little) loves. If my children's father fails in an area, I pick up the slack. I don't pat myself on the back and say to myself "you are the superior parent." I love my children and they will be successful and happy in life with their parents doing what needs to be done. They benefit from the love of BOTH parents. I love my kids, I love my H and I love our very healthy sex life. But my sex life has nothing to do with my kids and has no part in my ability to parent them. GEL
bentnotbroken Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Being an effective parent has got little if anything to do with one's sex life.[/QUOTE] Disagree completely. Your sex life is the strongest indication of your character. (Not sure why the quote was quoted like this, but I disagree with the second quote.) You are definitely entitled to your opinion, but that doesn't make YOUR opinion correct. I think most people would take issue with someone's sex life being the strongest indication of someone's character. Actions, not SEX, are the strongest indication of someone's character. Especially when no one's looking. And there are plenty of married people who have never cheated but enjoy sex with each over and probably have what you consider "over-inflated" sex lives. Your statement then means that they are of low character. Really? Sex is a wonderful experience between two consenting adults. It has nothing to do with parenting. People who have never cheated can be bad parents. Absent, work-aholic, overspending, overeating, gambling, alcoholic, depressed, on the computer all the time: all conditions that contribute to being a less than stellar parent. Yet they put the M at risk as well. As I'm reading these threads I am surprised by the sheer "I'm a better parent than..." Being a parent myself I make mistakes. I try to do the best I can with the information I have available but I can't fathom the prideful responses contained on these threads. We are talking about children here. Our little (or maybe not so little) loves. If my children's father fails in an area, I pick up the slack. I don't pat myself on the back and say to myself "you are the superior parent." I love my children and they will be successful and happy in life with their parents doing what needs to be done. They benefit from the love of BOTH parents. I love my kids, I love my H and I love our very healthy sex life. But my sex life has nothing to do with my kids and has no part in my ability to parent them. GEL GEL I agree that being a bad parent means more than just being a cheating parent. I was a bad parent(though in my eyes I was doing all I could)for a lot of years. The depression, the scream fests, the alcohol and the isolation all took away from my children. These threads came about based on this one post about the father having had more than 20 affairs, including with the mom's bf. This man wasn't a good father. A good father doesn't jeopardize the emotional health of his children's mother by sleeping with her bf causing a double betrayal. His sex life was filled with affairs. How does anyone physically, mentally or emotionally have enough to go around to that many people? Something has got to give. The OP stated that at first everything was fine, then they got pissed. Of course the speculation (maybe right or maybe wrong) is that they found out about some of the other affairs. Maybe all the others. I can't speak for everyone who commented about whether a cheating partner is a good parent, but I really don't believe they can be if something is taken away from the family. And yes, I agree that can apply to all aspects of putting something else in front of your child(as evidenced by my own shortcomings in parenting). I know the thread (as they do more often than not) isn't on topic, but I think what offended most posters is that the adult children were expected to deal with something that may not only be outside of what they expect in their parent, but outside how they would expect someone to treat their mother.
pureinheart Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 I think the point was to show that the statement about it not being against the law was not true. And if the laws are still on the books, that means that there is always the option of starting to enforce them again. Considering the Bible speaks against it in strong terms against "adultery"/cheating - stoning as the punishment/consequence - it is odd to see a Christian leap to the defense of it. Even to the point of mocking others for their beliefs/opinions against it. I don't care either way, just an observation. Its just that it comes across as cheerleading for cheating from one whose professed beliefs you'd least expect it from. Where in my statement did I cheerlead...it was a statement of fact ...period. Now on the otherhand I have seen "Christians", at least that's what they call themselves, cheerlead for for things that the Bible clearly calls abominations.
pureinheart Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Yes, it does..doesn't it. The bible says God has no use for those out who are lukewarm(even less than those who don't believe). I hope you don't let those type of post make you think less of the rest of us Christians. You want to go there bent, unless you've changed some of your views...and not just the cope out of "oh I wouldn't do that, but it's ok if someone else does..."....no, that doesn't cut it...
maybe Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Err - yes, I elected to bring my family background into this. No doubt like most family backgrounds it is- hugely flawed - THANK GOD FOR THAT!!! With all our warts and all we get along okay. If my father elected to have a little bit on the side - oh well what the hell - SO WHAT - to be honest my mother was probably hugely relieved....
bentnotbroken Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 You want to go there bent, unless you've changed some of your views...and not just the cope out of "oh I wouldn't do that, but it's ok if someone else does..."....no, that doesn't cut it... ?????????????????????????Not sure what you are talking about. If I wouldn't do it I probably don't think it's okay if someone else does it...:confused:Nothing lukewarm over here to see.
bentnotbroken Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Err - yes, I elected to bring my family background into this. No doubt like most family backgrounds it is- hugely flawed - THANK GOD FOR THAT!!! With all our warts and all we get along okay. If my father elected to have a little bit on the side - oh well what the hell - SO WHAT - to be honest my mother was probably hugely relieved.... We all have flawed backgrounds to some degree. And I suspect most of us will have flawed futures. We are human right? Flaws are the nature of the beast.
pureinheart Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 All sins affect others and cause consequences. Yes Desert, I will remember that...and you do the same:D
bentnotbroken Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Where in my statement did I cheerlead...it was a statement of fact ...period. Now on the otherhand I have seen "Christians", at least that's what they call themselves, cheerlead for for things that the Bible clearly calls abominations. Like what...do tell.
pureinheart Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 ?????????????????????????Not sure what you are talking about. If I wouldn't do it I probably don't think it's okay if someone else does it...:confused:Nothing lukewarm over here to see. Really:rolleyes:....this is the wrong thread for it...but the right one will come in this forum somewhere, and I'll let you know so that you can give your "Christian" opinion on what the Bible says about it;)
jthorne Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 I think MAYBE we need to welcome some new people back. But what happened to the OP of this thread? I hope she comes back.
bentnotbroken Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Really:rolleyes:....this is the wrong thread for it...but the right one will come in this forum somewhere, and I'll let you know so that you can give your "Christian" opinion on what the Bible says about it;) My Christian opinion is and always will be different than yours...lets leave at that. Shall we?
pureinheart Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 As a child of an adulterer, it was particularly brutal to catch him (not by stalking or anything, just by him being stupid and leaving his "affairs" in the open." So much so that even though I didn't tell my mother (I didn't think she would believe me) she found out the same day. Watching my mother fall apart while my father languished in his self-entitlement was disgusting. I would not want to associate with someone like that. In truth, it was just an extension of the entitled attitude he had exhibited towards us my whole life. I also ended up meeting his mistress and she told me that "his whole family turned against him, including you." I found this ridiculous. He had never cared about what I thought about him, he had never cared about what I did in my life, except if he wanted to shame me or let me know what a failure I was and how I didn't measure up. As if I turned against him and made him some kind of victim! I have seen things like this on the board and I truly think it is how these guys justify their affairs and pull themselves closer to the OW, by being the victim. My father quickly went back to my mother and has gone through a lot of counseling since. It seems like his attitude and the way he treats others has gone through a massive change. I am glad that he is less of an irritant in my life, but that's it. We never developed a bond and his health is poor now. Good on him for taking a liking to my child, but no, he will never be my "hero." Seriously OW, use your head! If he never had the respect to stop cheating on the woman his was married to for over 30 years and has children with, if he was never man enough to pour all of the effort that it must have taken to have the affairs and put it back into his marriage, what makes you think that you are so special? What makes you think he will stand by you in any capacity, clearly having a long history together won't make a difference. There is a lot that I could come back on my parents with...but what's the point...especially with us being adults now. As for your sitch, everyone needs to do what they need to do in this respect...my "advice" in your sitch would be to love him from afar as you have issues with him/the past. You will find out that you are not a perfect parent as you have learned from experience that your dad wasn't perfect. Good luck:)
Silly_Girl Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Everything about your life affects your children. Whether you are aware of it or not. Whether you acknowledge it or not. There's a hint of truth in that but you're going to the extreme. If I'm at my Friday night yoga class (I don't go, but keep meaning to!!) and substitute that to go eating with my friend one time, or another time go and have hot sex with my boyfriend - what possible impact does that change of plan have on my son? There are some parts of my life which without a doubt are perceivable by my son, and others which actively effect him, but I am an individual and not everything I do in my life has a relevance in his. And vice versa.
bentnotbroken Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 There's a hint of truth in that but you're going to the extreme. If I'm at my Friday night yoga class (I don't go, but keep meaning to!!) and substitute that to go eating with my friend one time, or another time go and have hot sex with my boyfriend - what possible impact does that change of plan have on my son? There are some parts of my life which without a doubt are perceivable by my son, and others which actively effect him, but I am an individual and not everything I do in my life has a relevance in his. And vice versa. We keep talking about two different things. You guys keep bringing up single acts. I am speaking of a consistent, persistent, state of being a donkey.
jthorne Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 There's a hint of truth in that but you're going to the extreme. If I'm at my Friday night yoga class (I don't go, but keep meaning to!!) and substitute that to go eating with my friend one time, or another time go and have hot sex with my boyfriend - what possible impact does that change of plan have on my son? There are some parts of my life which without a doubt are perceivable by my son, and others which actively effect him, but I am an individual and not everything I do in my life has a relevance in his. And vice versa. If we're using this example, I'd say because the hot sex "boyfriend" is married, and sets what many in society would consider a poor example for your son. Not judging, just saying. Children take ques from their parents on appropriate behavior.
Silly_Girl Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 We keep talking about two different things. You guys keep bringing up single acts. I am speaking of a consistent, persistent, state of being a donkey. Then you need to state that. I'm almost permanently stressed out by my job these days, but it appears my son has virtually no understanding of this, because of HOW I MANAGE IT when I'm with him. I'm tipping that there are others who can similarly severely minimise/eliminate certain aspects of their life (addiction, infidelity, gambling) so that the day-to-day effect is negligible....
desertIslandCactus Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Yes Desert, I will remember that...and you do the same:D Oh.. I do. Just trying to point out that infidelity/adultery has an outreaching hurting affect on all involved incl offspring, family members..
Silly_Girl Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 If we're using this example, I'd say because the hot sex "boyfriend" is married, and sets what many in society would consider a poor example for your son. Not judging, just saying. Children take ques from their parents on appropriate behavior. Mmmm, son is at rugby practice. How the hell is he affected by something he is not aware of? I find this very interesting.... And also, thanks JT for 'not judging', but in my past live-in relationship with 3 teen kids between us we were constantly trying to find new creative ways to carve out some 'us-time' so it has nothing at all to do with married or not!
bentnotbroken Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Then you need to state that. I'm almost permanently stressed out by my job these days, but it appears my son has virtually no understanding of this, because of HOW I MANAGE IT when I'm with him. I'm tipping that there are others who can similarly severely minimise/eliminate certain aspects of their life (addiction, infidelity, gambling) so that the day-to-day effect is negligible.... I did! When I said 20 affairs makes someone a piss poor parent.
Silly_Girl Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 I did! When I said 20 affairs makes someone a piss poor parent. Didn't appear in the quote I used. Unfortunate.
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