Spark1111 Posted October 29, 2010 Posted October 29, 2010 Amazing how (for some people here). any issues kids have with their dads cheating comes from the vindictive BW. From what I see here on LS and IRL, most mothers do their best to protect their children from the pain that comes with infidelity. Anything anyone says about the BW is pure speculation. What we do know is that his adult kids do not approve of his actions. No matter why that is, it's still 100% the fault of the MM for the actions he took in the first place. For the sake of getting over this whole, "It's the BW's fault the kids hate him", lets say that they really do hate him because of what his BW says. It's not like his BW is lying to the kids. Their father did cheat on their mother, he still made a choice that hurt their mother, he still did something that the kids obviously think is bad enough to be hated for. In reality, a BW doesn't have as much power as some give us. If we did have power over people, what they do and how they feel, we wouldn't be BW's. IMO, this MM should just accept the fact that his actions are what caused the reaction from his kids. The BW has nothing to do with the affair or the consequences of his actions. If he cared so much about being a hero for his kids, he wouldn't have had affairs in the first place. You never know, it may be his kids telling mom to move on from their cheating father. Mom may be the one defending her cheating H and that could be why the kids hate him so much. Again, we don't know, and the op only knows what she is told. Consider the source before making any assumptions. In the aftermath of DDAy, one child told me she wished we would reconcile; one told me, 'if it was my husband, I'd divorce him, but it's not my husband, so you do what you need to do," and the last child said, 'I will support you in any decision you make." What did I tell them? If this is who your father chooses I expect you to treat her with respect. Our issues should not become your issues, so I also expect you will treat him with respect. But I am sure he told his OW how I was spinning the kids against him. Because they sat him down and gave him a piece of their mind. Big time.
bentnotbroken Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Thank FO. God gets all the glory. I did nothing and I am nothing without him. If only I were holy:o, I wouldn't be dealing with teen love, mounds of laundry and a major ant problem .
Fieldsofgold Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 (edited) I love the fact that a person behaves wrecklessly and careless, yet when they have to deal with the consequences it is everyone else's fault. It's the world against them. Nice! Or . . . people . . . are . . . minimizing how far infidelity really stretches. Sadly there is a lot of truth to these statements in many, many cases. A LOT of truth. Quote: Originally Posted by BlackLovely I strongly suspect, that the OP is only her MM's mid life crisis. I get very annoyed when people choose to have affairs and then pout about the consequences. Calling his children immature just takes the effing cake. Is it mature of the OP, to expect that she and her MM will immediately be accepted? If the OP wants a long and monogamous relationship, she is barking up the wrong tree. This man might as well have a warning on his crotch. Edited October 30, 2010 by Fieldsofgold
StarChick Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Billie, if you're still reading, which I'm not sure if you are or not after all of this... 1) Why in the world would you want to be involved with an icky man who has a past like his? 2) Get tested. For everything.
Fieldsofgold Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Billie, if you're still reading, which I'm not sure if you are or not after all of this... 1) Why in the world would you want to be involved with an icky man who has a past like his? 2) Get tested. For everything. the bolded. And yet another possible reason why the kids might be mad at dear old dad. Now their Moma has to get tested. For everything. Maybe even has to be treated for something. That would make the kids mad!
alexandria35 Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Amazing how (for some people here). any issues kids have with their dads cheating comes from the vindictive BW. From what I see here on LS and IRL, most mothers do their best to protect their children from the pain that comes with infidelity. Anything anyone says about the BW is pure speculation. What we do know is that his adult kids do not approve of his actions. No matter why that is, it's still 100% the fault of the MM for the actions he took in the first place. For the sake of getting over this whole, "It's the BW's fault the kids hate him", lets say that they really do hate him because of what his BW says. It's not like his BW is lying to the kids. Their father did cheat on their mother, he still made a choice that hurt their mother, he still did something that the kids obviously think is bad enough to be hated for. In reality, a BW doesn't have as much power as some give us. If we did have power over people, what they do and how they feel, we wouldn't be BW's. IMO, this MM should just accept the fact that his actions are what caused the reaction from his kids. The BW has nothing to do with the affair or the consequences of his actions. If he cared so much about being a hero for his kids, he wouldn't have had affairs in the first place. You never know, it may be his kids telling mom to move on from their cheating father. Mom may be the one defending her cheating H and that could be why the kids hate him so much. Again, we don't know, and the op only knows what she is told. Consider the source before making any assumptions. I think this is so true. During the affair the BW is horribly deceived, gaslighted and outright lied to. Once she discovers the affair, then the MM and OW actually expect her to protect them from suffering any negative consequences. This is amazing to me. It's almost like the MM/OW expect the BW to become an accomplice to thier affair. If the BW doesn't do everything in her power to make it easy on the affair partners, she gets called bitter, controlling and manipulative. It's mindboggling.
juicyfruit62 Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 (edited) Really? I don't see that. I see people who have REAL LIFE experiences and are sharing them. Why are you being so judgmental to those people who have been hurt by infidelity? Isn't that what you are pissed at the MM's kids for doing? Actually "Juicyfruit", Bent is an awesome member of LS and has experienced some of the lowest things life can throw at a person yet she has risen to the challenge of tackling those things and has learned who she can lean on and trust. She is a remarkable woman. Maybe if you put aside your judgment of her, you will see that what she says makes a lot of sense. YOU don't know his motivation behind his cheating (and please, don't say it was his wife's fault - she didn't make him drop his pants). Adultery is against the law Adultery is not against the law in my country "fooled"...though I'm not surprised it is in the US, the land of hypocrisy... I and no one else on here knows the reason behind this man's infidelity, least of all "bent". I'm not pissed at the man's children, I'm pissed at the judgemental people on here who make assumptions about what he did and didnt do when they have no idea of the truth. It never ceases to amaze me that those who claim to be "christians" often show the least christian attitudes to those whom they feel morally superior to. Edited October 30, 2010 by juicyfruit62 spelling
jj33 Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Mimo I too note the OP hasnt been back. But to add my 2c again. These children may hvae been upset if their father had divorced under any circumstances. They may also have been upset if their mother had died and their father had remarried. We have no idea why they are upset with him (other than the fact that hes divorcing and with someone new). So to answer the OPs question (rather than judging the man shes chosen) without knowing if they are angry about his actions, its not unusual for children to take time to warm to the fact that their parent has a new partner other than their natural parent. All you can do is be patient. Support him. Be there for him and hope that they come around. When they do, give him time with them alone to discuss things. You may be his choice but you are not their choice and they have an independent relationship with him. He is their father. Im sure it is difficult watching someone you love go through this. Hope you are OK
bentnotbroken Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Really? I don't see that. I see people who have REAL LIFE experiences and are sharing them. Why are you being so judgmental to those people who have been hurt by infidelity? Isn't that what you are pissed at the MM's kids for doing? Actually "Juicyfruit", Bent is an awesome member of LS and has experienced some of the lowest things life can throw at a person yet she has risen to the challenge of tackling those things and has learned who she can lean on and trust. She is a remarkable woman. Maybe if you put aside your judgment of her, you will see that what she says makes a lot of sense. YOU don't know his motivation behind his cheating (and please, don't say it was his wife's fault - she didn't make him drop his pants). Adultery is against the law Adultery is not against the law in my country "fooled"...though I'm not surprised it is in the US, the land of hypocrisy... I and no one else on here knows the reason behind this man's infidelity, least of all "bent". I'm not pissed at the man's children, I'm pissed at the judgemental people on here who make assumptions about what he did and didnt do when they have no idea of the truth. It never ceases to amaze me that those who claim to be "christians" often show the least christian attitudes to those whom they feel morally superior to. I would assume this is directed at me so I will respond. No where in my bible does it say I have to like or even think of a person who has cheated more than 20 times with respect. If he were bleeding in the street I am to assist and I would do that gladly. My bible does call for me to call a spade a spade. Which I did. I cannot pronounce judgment(good thing too because I couldn't be fair) only God can do that. I am required by the word of God to be either a follower of Christ or a follower of the world. The world view is if doesn't cause a life(which I believe infidelity does in some cases and certainly costs emotional upheaval and death) it should be alright. It(whatever the it is) should be each person's choice and we shouldn't have an opinion...to each his own. That isn't what God says and I have chosen not to be lukewarm about anything. YOU certainly don't hold back any disdain you feel for people who don't agree with your view of life...so why should anyone else. I answer to God and only him. Your view of me isn't any thing new or even disturbing...just the norm. When you can show me where God said don't say what a person did was wrong I will consider that. But I can show more than a few scriptures where I am commanded to not only say it was wrong but stick to my guns when the heat is on. I am a sinner, you are a sinner, we are all sinners. We sin in different ways. Some of us have instances of sin, others live in the state of sin. Some have the mentality of I want to do right, I will make corrections to improve and I am saddened by my actions of sinning. Others not only have the mentality of well everyone else is doing it, I deserve XYZ, I won't change and as long as it benefits me...screw everyone else. Hence all my posts on this particular MM. He hasn't shown respect or decency in this aspect of his life and no...you can't keep your lack of integrity in this aspect of your life from creeping into the rest of it. Our character and integrity are those things that happen when no one is watching. What did this particular MM do when no one was watching? He showed the traits of self serving, egotistical arrogance toward his family and God. His actions spoke volumes. And if his kids are pissed because his arrogance came to light, then he should look into the mirror and figure out if he was all that great a parent. I would suspect that the children looked back and saw somethings that didn't make sense or felt confusing and now all of a sudden they do. So any label you feel the need to apply to me I accept with all appreciation because I am only in the business of pleasing my Lord and savior. So I don't have to claim to be a Christian(upper case "C") I am secure that if anyone is watching when I think they aren't, they will see me live that way. It never stops amazing me that some people equate being a Christian with doormat. That ain't the way it works. Not only do we have opinions we get to voice them. Heck, even Jesus got pissed off in the temple and tore it apart. Get real or get over it.
worlybear Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Just caught this thread and thought I'd add to it. IME when STBXH was discovered having an affair, our children (then,7,18,20,23 and 25) were unanimously horrified. Subsequently and INDEPENDENTLY (18 months later) they have all made their decisions regarding their father. 9yr old refuses all contact (I have tried to maintain links but it is difficult.) 20 yr old (honoured with his phone number) -sporadic contact 22 yr old -says his father is dead 25 yr old -ditto 27 yr old- limited contact (in prison for DD- spectacular mess up re dealing with affair). STBXH has told oldest son that I have turned kids against him and he is vitriolic:rolleyes:(nothing to do with being caught with his pants down then!) STBXH has told daughter(20) he wants to keep in touch but has made NO effort with 2 of his sons and limited effort with his 9 yr old daughter. I'm not surprised that the kids have reacted as they have- why does he think he can "choose" which children he contacts? Maybe he should have thought of the consequences on his children BEFORE he dropped his pants for OW.
pureinheart Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 No kidding! Totally agree here! I think a lot of posters are pushing their own views on the "adult children" here and what they hope their own children would have done if they were in the BS's shoes. GEL He may have been a very good father to his children, just not a good husband to his wife...I don't think the two are necessarily mutually exclusive. He may have kept his extramarital affairs totally separate from his family life, and as I stated before, his children could very well have not even been aware they were going on. So many holier than thou attitudes on here. I agree. I find it quite sinister to make the comparison between an adulterer and a serial rapist. That is an enormous claim. I also think it helps to illustrate the default stance regarding infidelity that are held by some people posting regularly in an OW support and discussion forum. I think that makes it hard for those who seek help, when they find themselves being judged by such extreme-minded individuals. Absolutely agree silly_girl - there are some people on here who, it seems to me, post only to push their judgemental and insular viewpoints against infidelity, in order to feel morally superior to those who have sought help. Pretty pathetic really, if they need to make others feel bad in order to make themselves feel better... If they find discussion of EMA's and infidelity so offensive, then they should stay the hell out of the forum. I completely agree with all of these statements. In bold I believe that to be the agenda, to creat descensions. Second bold...that is really sad. I still don't understand why the kids are allowed to be involved in a parents love life...that's so sick IMO, I don't care if the guy had a million A's...that's HIS business and he will have to answer for that...BUT not to kids.
pureinheart Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Post by juicyfruit62 Adultery is not against the law in my country "fooled"...though I'm not surprised it is in the US, the land of hypocrisy... I and no one else on here knows the reason behind this man's infidelity, least of all "bent". I'm not pissed at the man's children, I'm pissed at the judgemental people on here who make assumptions about what he did and didnt do when they have no idea of the truth. It never ceases to amaze me that those who claim to be "christians" often show the least christian attitudes to those whom they feel morally superior to. What is supposed to happen is to help the OP to work out their own issues without judgement. To listen to the direction they are going in and if it is really destructive to try to give them options gently. I never have believed in beating things into people. A person has to be ready or they will tune you out.. I understand how you feel concerning hypocrisy...it is rampant in the US...although adultry is not against the law here. I think possibly with some it works for them to use God to further their personal agenda. If you can JF, try not to let a few or possibly many form how you feel about Christians as a whole. If a person were to look at my life, there would be a lot to judge and a lot that anyone could find wrong, but only God knows my heart and only God knows this MM's heart...and I still think it is absolutely horrible to have kids, adult or otherwise involved in an adults love life:sick:
BB07 Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 although adultry is not against the law here. I've been noticing that this keeps being brought up so I did a little research. Adultery is still illegal in the following states, but yet it is hardly ever prosecuted. Alabama, Arizona, Colorado, Florida, Georgia, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, North Carolina, Oklahoma, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Tennessee, Utah, Virginia. No I'm not absolutely sure that all the above states are currently correct but some most definitely are.
BB07 Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 10 characters......I've been noticing that this keeps being brought up so I did a little research. Adultery is still illegal in the following states, but yet it is hardly ever prosecuted. Alabama, Arizona, Colorado, Florida, Georgia, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, North Carolina, Oklahoma, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Tennessee, Utah, Virginia. No I'm not absolutely sure that all the above states are currently correct but some most definitely are. 7 states (Hawaii, Illinois, Mississippi, New Hampshire, North Carolina, New Mexico, South Dakota, and Utah) still have alienation of affection laws on their books. This is 100% correct.
pureinheart Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 I've been noticing that this keeps being brought up so I did a little research. Adultery is still illegal in the following states, but yet it is hardly ever prosecuted. Alabama, Arizona, Colorado, Florida, Georgia, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, North Carolina, Oklahoma, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Tennessee, Utah, Virginia. No I'm not absolutely sure that all the above states are currently correct but some most definitely are. Probably like those laws like spitting on the sidewalk, still on the books, but not recognised. I have never heard of a case where someone actually went to jail...shoot, at least 50% of the population would be in jail:eek:
NoIDidn't Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Probably like those laws like spitting on the sidewalk, still on the books, but not recognised. I have never heard of a case where someone actually went to jail...shoot, at least 50% of the population would be in jail:eek: I think the point was to show that the statement about it not being against the law was not true. And if the laws are still on the books, that means that there is always the option of starting to enforce them again. Considering the Bible speaks against it in strong terms against "adultery"/cheating - stoning as the punishment/consequence - it is odd to see a Christian leap to the defense of it. Even to the point of mocking others for their beliefs/opinions against it. I don't care either way, just an observation. Its just that it comes across as cheerleading for cheating from one whose professed beliefs you'd least expect it from.
bentnotbroken Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 I think the point was to show that the statement about it not being against the law was not true. And if the laws are still on the books, that means that there is always the option of starting to enforce them again. Considering the Bible speaks against it in strong terms against "adultery"/cheating - stoning as the punishment/consequence - it is odd to see a Christian leap to the defense of it. Even to the point of mocking others for their beliefs/opinions against it. I don't care either way, just an observation. Its just that it comes across as cheerleading for cheating from one whose professed beliefs you'd least expect it from. Yes, it does..doesn't it. The bible says God has no use for those out who are lukewarm(even less than those who don't believe). I hope you don't let those type of post make you think less of the rest of us Christians.
desertIslandCactus Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 I completely agree with all of these statements. In bold I believe that to be the agenda, to creat descensions. Second bold...that is really sad. I still don't understand why the kids are allowed to be involved in a parents love life...that's so sick IMO, I don't care if the guy had a million A's...that's HIS business and he will have to answer for that...BUT not to kids. All sins affect others and cause consequences.
desertIslandCactus Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Adultery is not against the law in my country "fooled"...though I'm not surprised it is in the US, the land of hypocrisy... I and no one else on here knows the reason behind this man's infidelity, least of all "bent". I'm not pissed at the man's children, I'm pissed at the judgemental people on here who make assumptions about what he did and didnt do when they have no idea of the truth. It never ceases to amaze me that those who claim to be "christians" often show the least christian attitudes to those whom they feel morally superior to. Adultery is a sin and has repercussions.
Woman In Blue Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 He has had a few affairs and numorous one night stands. One affair was with his wife's best friend which lasted for 2 years. He had not had not cheated in his wife for about 5 years, then he met me. With his wife's best friend? Guess there's no line this guy won't cross. And just think - he's all YOURS now. Lucky girl. They don't seem to see that both his parents are responsible for the breakdown in his marriage. I get frustrated that they are labelling him as the bad guy. While the mutual breakdown of the marriage may be on their shoulders, the difference here is that their mother didn't leave the marriage for a boy-toy 20 years younger than herself, like their father did. And you're kidding yourself if you think your boyfriend's constant serial cheating throughout his marriage didn't do alot of damage - THAT isn't on his wife's shoulders so alot of the blame for the breakdown of this marriage rests squarely on lover boy's shoulders. These adult kids aren't stupid, they know daddy's new, young girlfriend was in the picture long before their parents separated. Maybe they also know their father will take any opportunity that comes his way - like having an affair with mom's best friend or the drunken bar fly down at the corner pub. Maybe that's why they've lost respect for him. He bought it. He owns it.
dreamingoftigers Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 LOL, there is A LOT of things I don't announce to anyone. As far as approval from the kids, or kids getting up in my business...nope. Grown is even worse IMO, they should love BOTH parents no matter what happens in their love life IMO. I was led to believe by the OP that the W did have something to do with the kids acting as such. I agree with the OP that it was no coincidence, I think her and MM's suspicions are accurate. Most of the people I know, and myself would never make our love for our parents conditional concerning their love life....EMA or not... As a child of an adulterer, it was particularly brutal to catch him (not by stalking or anything, just by him being stupid and leaving his "affairs" in the open." So much so that even though I didn't tell my mother (I didn't think she would believe me) she found out the same day. Watching my mother fall apart while my father languished in his self-entitlement was disgusting. I would not want to associate with someone like that. In truth, it was just an extension of the entitled attitude he had exhibited towards us my whole life. I also ended up meeting his mistress and she told me that "his whole family turned against him, including you." I found this ridiculous. He had never cared about what I thought about him, he had never cared about what I did in my life, except if he wanted to shame me or let me know what a failure I was and how I didn't measure up. As if I turned against him and made him some kind of victim! I have seen things like this on the board and I truly think it is how these guys justify their affairs and pull themselves closer to the OW, by being the victim. My father quickly went back to my mother and has gone through a lot of counseling since. It seems like his attitude and the way he treats others has gone through a massive change. I am glad that he is less of an irritant in my life, but that's it. We never developed a bond and his health is poor now. Good on him for taking a liking to my child, but no, he will never be my "hero." Seriously OW, use your head! If he never had the respect to stop cheating on the woman his was married to for over 30 years and has children with, if he was never man enough to pour all of the effort that it must have taken to have the affairs and put it back into his marriage, what makes you think that you are so special? What makes you think he will stand by you in any capacity, clearly having a long history together won't make a difference.
maybe Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 My father was a serial adulterer - I can honestly say that none of his children would have had a particular problem with his infidelity per se - we are all mature enough to recognise that physical/emotional needs are not necessarily met in one relationship and that lifelong monogamy is simply not possible or even desirable for a lot of people. However, what was far, far worse than a few flings was the inflated ego that went with the infidelities - obviously thinking he was a bit of a stud when nearly everyone else, including his wife, just thought he was a bit - immature. Most definitely the worst thing was him finally leaving the marital home to sort his head out and effectively cutting contact with his children. Being an effective parent has got little if anything to do with one's sex life.
bentnotbroken Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 My father was a serial adulterer - I can honestly say that none of his children would have had a particular problem with his infidelity per se - we are all mature enough to recognise that physical/emotional needs are not necessarily met in one relationship and that lifelong monogamy is simply not possible or even desirable for a lot of people. However, what was far, far worse than a few flings was the inflated ego that went with the infidelities - obviously thinking he was a bit of a stud when nearly everyone else, including his wife, just thought he was a bit - immature. Most definitely the worst thing was him finally leaving the marital home to sort his head out and effectively cutting contact with his children. Being an effective parent has got little if anything to do with one's sex life. Everything about your life affects your children. Whether you are aware of it or not. Whether you acknowledge it or not.
dreamingoftigers Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 My father was a serial adulterer - I can honestly say that none of his children would have had a particular problem with his infidelity per se - we are all mature enough to recognise that physical/emotional needs are not necessarily met in one relationship and that lifelong monogamy is simply not possible or even desirable for a lot of people. However, what was far, far worse than a few flings was the inflated ego that went with the infidelities - obviously thinking he was a bit of a stud when nearly everyone else, including his wife, just thought he was a bit - immature. Most definitely the worst thing was him finally leaving the marital home to sort his head out and effectively cutting contact with his children. Being an effective parent has got little if anything to do with one's sex life.[/QUOTE] Disagree completely. Your sex life is the strongest indication of your character. If your sex life is sloppy and over-inflated, chances are all of the other relationships in your life are too. The fact that your father repeatedly risked having his family unit torn apart for his own gratification speaks volumes, the fact that he had to turn to others "to meet all of his needs" instead of discovering that a lot of that list was "wants" and desires, speaks volumes more.
dreamingoftigers Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 My father was a serial adulterer - I can honestly say that none of his children would have had a particular problem with his infidelity per se - we are all mature enough to recognise that physical/emotional needs are not necessarily met in one relationship and that lifelong monogamy is simply not possible or even desirable for a lot of people. However, what was far, far worse than a few flings was the inflated ego that went with the infidelities - obviously thinking he was a bit of a stud when nearly everyone else, including his wife, just thought he was a bit - immature. Most definitely the worst thing was him finally leaving the marital home to sort his head out and effectively cutting contact with his children. Being an effective parent has got little if anything to do with one's sex life. If you are someone who cannot commit to life-long monogamy then don't get married and don't have children. Prioritze what is right for you without dragging down others.
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