He has left home, now they hate him.

[BlackLovely]

I strongly suspect, that the OP is only her MM's mid life crisis.

I get very annoyed when people choose to have affairs and then pout about the consequences.

Calling his children immature just takes the effing cake. Is it mature of the OP, to expect that she and her MM will immediately be accepted?

If the OP wants a long and monogamous relationship, she is barking up the wrong tree. This man might as well have a warning on his crotch.

[juicyfruit62]

I agree. I find it quite sinister to make the comparison between an adulterer and a serial rapist. That is an enormous claim.

 

I also think it helps to illustrate the default stance regarding infidelity that are held by some people posting regularly in an OW support and discussion forum. I think that makes it hard for those who seek help, when they find themselves being judged by such extreme-minded individuals.

 

Absolutely agree silly_girl - there are some people on here who, it seems to me, post only to push their judgemental and insular viewpoints against infidelity, in order to feel morally superior to those who have sought help. Pretty pathetic really, if they need to make others feel bad in order to make themselves feel better...

If they find discussion of EMA's and infidelity so offensive, then they should stay the hell out of the forum.

[bentnotbroken]

Absolutely agree silly_girl - there are some people on here who, it seems to me, post only to push their judgemental and insular viewpoints against infidelity, in order to feel morally superior to those who have sought help. Pretty pathetic really, if they need to make others feel bad in order to make themselves feel better...

If they find discussion of EMA's and infidelity so offensive, then they should stay the hell out of the forum.

 

 

As pathetic as person cheating on a spouse with over 20 partners and then starts to whine that he isn't as "hero" to his kids. :laugh:And since the person in question never posted here (which most others who judge in a totally different way:rolleyes:fail to recognize) why shouldn't the opinions of those who choose to post excluded? The mentality of cheering poor choices is as prevalent in society as them mentality of those to commit asinine choices repeated and the mentality to always call it wrong.

 

If one find opinions different than theirs maybe they should stay the hell off the boards.

[juicyfruit62]

As pathetic as person cheating on a spouse with over 20 partners and then starts to whine that he isn't as "hero" to his kids. :laugh:And since the person in question never posted here (which most others who judge in a totally different way:rolleyes:fail to recognize) why shouldn't the opinions of those who choose to post excluded? The mentality of cheering poor choices is as prevalent in society as them mentality of those to commit asinine choices repeated and the mentality to always call it wrong.

 

If one find opinions different than theirs maybe they should stay the hell off the boards.

 

Huh???? please explain....

 

I have not condoned this man's behavour in my posts. What I have done is decry the assumptions that have been made and the conclusions that have been reached by some on here pushing their own questionable agendas.

And I'm sure all this has not been particularly helpful to the OP.

[bentnotbroken]

Huh???? please explain....

 

I have not condoned this man's behavour in my posts. What I have done is decry the assumptions that have been made and the conclusions that have been reached by some on here pushing their own questionable agendas.

And I'm sure all this has not been particularly helpful to the OP.

 

 

Ah, get real we all have perspectives that we support. Not everyone is wishy washy as evidenced by your post or mine and many others. WE are firm in our beliefs of certain things and we support it. This man is destructive in his actions and I think most posters have stated that. Any "agenda" that isn't consistent with our own can be labeled questionable, yours included.

[Fieldsofgold]

In thinking about the original post, it states that at first the W and adult children were reasonably accepting of the situation. Then, AFTER SEVERAL WEEKS, there was a sudden turn.

 

Here's my thoughts. News starts to get around that H has left W for another woman. People in the community begin to talk. They start to compare notes. With 20 affairs in his history, it would be pretty hard to keep them ALL secrets. Sort of like with Tiger - once the first affair was brought to light, women started coming out of the woodwork like termites. When my ex left me for his OW, word got back to me rather quickly, about his affairs with women I would never have suspected. Once the proverbial $h*t pot has been stirred, a stink is gonna rise.

 

If I were a betting woman, I'd bet a considerable sum of money that the children's hatred of their father has little to do with the current affair, and much to do with other affairs coming to light. THAT would perfectly and logically explain the time lag between D-day and their change of heart.

[bentnotbroken]

In thinking about the original post, it states that at first the W and adult children were reasonably accepting of the situation. Then, AFTER SEVERAL WEEKS, there was a sudden turn.

 

Here's my thoughts. News starts to get around that H has left W for another woman. People in the community begin to talk. They start to compare notes. With 20 affairs in his history, it would be pretty hard to keep them ALL secrets. Sort of like with Tiger - once the first affair was brought to light, women started coming out of the woodwork like termites. When my ex left me for his OW, word got back to me rather quickly, about his affairs with women I would never have suspected. Once the proverbial $h*t pot has been stirred, a stink is gonna rise.

 

If I were a betting woman, I'd bet a considerable sum of money that the children's hatred of their father has little to do with the current affair, and much to do with other affairs coming to light. THAT would perfectly and logically explain the time lag between D-day and their change of heart.

 

 

I agree with this. Knowing about 1 affair is something that was handled. Then the other 20 came out and you begin to wonder about the person you thought you knew and wonder what else have they been hiding and lying to you about. It is human nature to wonder once an extreme behavior comes to light

 

.

[BettyBoop]

I guess I am just posting here in case anyone else has gone through this, how did it pan out?

 

Billie, I haven't read all the replies but here is mine.

 

My dad left my mother for his 5-year mistress when I was turning 20. At first mom hated him and her toxic comments about our father didn't make us hate him - but we saw him as extremely selfish and were very very mad. He left the cowardly way with leaving her a letter when she was on vacation.

 

I went to therapy where I learned that I should not let the affair and my mother's hate come between me and my dad. My dad is a very loving father and an important part of my life. My mom still dislikes him plenty but after his dad died she spoke to him once and twice. Still doesn't trust or like him though.

 

My brother didn't go to therapy and doesn't want to - he still has some anger issues towards my dad.

 

My guess is the mother's toxic comments have made the children turn against their father. As what happened to me.

[greengoddess]

 

My guess is the mother's toxic comments have made the children turn against their father. As what happened to me.

 

You just mentioned how cowardly your dad left your mom. With that said are you sure it was your mom who colored your opinion of him and not his cowardly walk out? I would think that would cause you to lose a lot of respect for him that he couldn't man up and confront the situation head on. You must have anger from that even to mention it. I don't think it's fair to blame your mom for your opinion of your dad especially when you were 20 years old.

[Fieldsofgold]

Billie, I haven't read all the replies but here is mine.

 

My dad left my mother for his 5-year mistress when I was turning 20. At first mom hated him and her toxic comments about our father didn't make us hate him - but we saw him as extremely selfish and were very very mad. He left the cowardly way with leaving her a letter when she was on vacation.

 

I went to therapy where I learned that I should not let the affair and my mother's hate come between me and my dad. My dad is a very loving father and an important part of my life. My mom still dislikes him plenty but after his dad died she spoke to him once and twice. Still doesn't trust or like him though.

 

My brother didn't go to therapy and doesn't want to - he still has some anger issues towards my dad.

 

My guess is the mother's toxic comments have made the children turn against their father. As what happened to me.

 

I'm sorry for the hurt you experienced, and proud of you for seeking counselling.

 

TBH, I don't think we're dealing with the same type of situation here, though.

 

I'm still thinking they turned because they found out about some of the 20 other affairs.

 

I think this because at first, they were ALL (including the BS apparently) handling it adequately well. Then after some time passed, they ALL at the same time had this radical change of attitude. I think that's indicative that new information/affairs came to light.

 

I'm sure they've found out about some of the other affairs, and that has colored their attitudes. If the two-year A with the mother's BFF came to light, that would really hit hard.

[Fieldsofgold]

Thinking about this further, the W and adult children may have found out more information about H than even Billie knows.

 

Maybe they found out that H wasn't available during a major family crisis because he was with one of the 20.

 

Maybe he screwed one of the kids' girlfriend's/boyfriend's/bff's Mom. Or sister. Or their Sunday School teacher.

 

Maybe there were more than 20.

 

Maybe there were other acts of dishonesty.

 

Maybe he blamed or accused his wife/gave her a bad time for something that they now realize was done to cover an affair activity.

 

Maybe he blamed one of the children or hurt them to cover an affair activity. Maybe he used one of the children to gain access to their friend's Mom. Maybe he tried to screw one of their friends, or one of their girlfriends.

 

The possibilities are endless. There may be a lot Billie doesn't know.

 

Maybe they are totally humiliated, embarrassed and publicly shamed by the public knowledge of the man's disgusting lifestyle - because 20 women is not just affairs - it IS a lifestyle. (Imagine how Tiger Woods' children might feel if they were young adults? My guess is that by now they would be thoroughly disgusted and feel a lot of contempt toward him - without any help from Mom.)

 

Maybe now that they are learning more about who/what he really is, maybe they just don't like to associate with the kind of person he is. I don't associate with my druggie relatives. I don't associate with the filthy-talking and perverse ones. Maybe they just don't like their father's morals and character, now that they know more about him, and maybe they just don't want to associate with that kind of person.

 

I mean, this is not a man who fell out of love with Mom, fell in love with someone else, and moved on. This is a man who apparently couldn't keep his pecker in his pants; a man who apparently would tack anything that would hold still long enough. Maybe they just find that disgusting?

 

The more I think about it, I really don't think it has much to do with "toxic attitude from the BS." I think it has everything to do with what dear old dad actually did, and new information about him coming to light. There may be a lot Billie doesn't know.

 

Billie, I encourage you to run for the hills.

Edited October 28, 2010 by Fieldsofgold

[hopeless4u]

I haven't read the rest of the replies but this is just what my xMM told me would happen if his W found out about us...and it did...

 

He was terrified his family would hate him, (just had he had when his father M the OW) and asked me to lie to his W. At the time I thought he was looking after his own ass so told his W the truth when she rang me, suprise, suprise, he was right and they ALL blame me including him.

 

My advice is to leave them to it, if he has truly left his W then he can do it without you there, if he can not do it without you there then he really doesn't want to leave.

[NoIDidn't]

Thinking about this further, the W and adult children may have found out more information about H than even Billie knows.

 

Maybe they found out that H wasn't available during a major family crisis because he was with one of the 20.

 

Maybe he screwed one of the kids' girlfriend's/boyfriend's/bff's Mom. Or sister. Or their Sunday School teacher.

 

Maybe there were more than 20.

 

Maybe there were other acts of dishonesty.

 

Maybe he blamed or accused his wife/gave her a bad time for something that they now realize was done to cover an affair activity.

 

Maybe he blamed one of the children or hurt them to cover an affair activity. Maybe he used one of the children to gain access to their friend's Mom. Maybe he tried to screw one of their friends, or one of their girlfriends.

 

The possibilities are endless. There may be a lot Billie doesn't know.

 

Maybe they are totally humiliated, embarrassed and publicly shamed by the public knowledge of the man's disgusting lifestyle - because 20 women is not just affairs - it IS a lifestyle. (Imagine how Tiger Woods' children might feel if they were young adults? My guess is that by now they would be thoroughly disgusted and feel a lot of contempt toward him - without any help from Mom.)

 

Maybe now that they are learning more about who/what he really is, maybe they just don't like to associate with the kind of person he is. I don't associate with my druggie relatives. I don't associate with the filthy-talking and perverse ones. Maybe they just don't like their father's morals and character, now that they know more about him, and maybe they just don't want to associate with that kind of person.

 

I mean, this is not a man who fell out of love with Mom, fell in love with someone else, and moved on. This is a man who apparently couldn't keep his pecker in his pants; a man who apparently would tack anything that would hold still long enough. Maybe they just find that disgusting?

 

The more I think about it, I really don't think it has much to do with "toxic attitude from the BS." I think it has everything to do with what dear old dad actually did, and new information about him coming to light. There may be a lot Billie doesn't know.

 

Billie, I encourage you to run for the hills.

 

I acknowledge that this, and your post, is purely speculation, I agree.

 

The old adage "the W is the last to know" comes to mind.

 

In this situation, everyone knows that dad left for OW, so maybe now people feel more comfortable telling the W of his other infidelities - as they likely already know about many of them.

 

I have plenty of married friends where I know more about the infidelities of one partner than the person actually married to them does. I wouldn't tell them about it, mind you, but some people aren't as "principled" (a ridiculous thought, that keeping an important fact secret somehow makes one principled, but I can see where not hurting an already hurting person is such).

[whichwayisup]

I just wonder what you see in this MM Billie. He has had numerous affairs, and did the double betrayal thing by having an A with his wifes bestfriend.

 

You know what he's capable of, how he can lie, bend the truth to suit him best. Are you 100% sure you want this man to be "yours" so to speak? If you marry him at some point keep in mind now YOU will be the wife. Will you wonder where he is if he comes home late from work, or answers his phone and goes into the other room to talk? I just don't see how you could trust this man knowing that he is a full on serial cheater.

 

Good luck.

[Fieldsofgold]

I just wonder what you see in this MM Billie. He has had numerous affairs, and did the double betrayal thing by having an A with his wifes bestfriend.

 

You know what he's capable of, how he can lie, bend the truth to suit him best. Are you 100% sure you want this man to be "yours" so to speak? If you marry him at some point keep in mind now YOU will be the wife. Will you wonder where he is if he comes home late from work, or answers his phone and goes into the other room to talk? I just don't see how you could trust this man knowing that he is a full on serial cheater.

 

Good luck.

 

I think this is the issue you need to be focusing on.

[Mimolicious]

In case we haven't noticed... "Billie" 140+ posts later, has not replied to one.

[herenow]

Amazing how (for some people here). any issues kids have with their dads cheating comes from the vindictive BW.

 

From what I see here on LS and IRL, most mothers do their best to protect their children from the pain that comes with infidelity.

 

Anything anyone says about the BW is pure speculation.

 

What we do know is that his adult kids do not approve of his actions. No matter why that is, it's still 100% the fault of the MM for the actions he took in the first place.

 

For the sake of getting over this whole, "It's the BW's fault the kids hate him", lets say that they really do hate him because of what his BW says.

 

It's not like his BW is lying to the kids. Their father did cheat on their mother, he still made a choice that hurt their mother, he still did something that the kids obviously think is bad enough to be hated for.

 

In reality, a BW doesn't have as much power as some give us. If we did have power over people, what they do and how they feel, we wouldn't be BW's.

 

IMO, this MM should just accept the fact that his actions are what caused the reaction from his kids. The BW has nothing to do with the affair or the consequences of his actions. If he cared so much about being a hero for his kids, he wouldn't have had affairs in the first place.

 

You never know, it may be his kids telling mom to move on from their cheating father. Mom may be the one defending her cheating H and that could be why the kids hate him so much. Again, we don't know, and the op only knows what she is told. Consider the source before making any assumptions.

Edited October 29, 2010 by herenow

[beachbum84]

Yes, I dis think this would happen. before he told his wife I told him to think about all of these things, especially his children. I guess I am just posting here in case anyone else has gone through this, how did it pan out?

 

I know it is going to have to get worse before it gets better I am just trying to support him and be there for him. And no it is not my place to do or say anything to his children, I just wish they would give him a chance to explain himself.

 

 

My dad did nearly the same thing. I was 1 of 3 kids who did not alienate him. 3 years after the divorce my brother still hates his guts, ignores his calls, won't respond to his letters or emails. And stands him up out of spite. My sister has sort of come around. Mostly when she needs something. Behind his back its all, I hate him for this, he's a lying sack of s**t, I can't trust him, blah blah blah.

 

I however have discussed with him that his actions were dishonorable, hurtful, and shameful. But I still love him. We have always been close and always will. But this just forced us to tread safer, we've had many issues about him venting about the divorce, or retelling the past incorrectly making my mom look like a witch, and his GF has many times overstepped her bounds and has been jealous of my relationship with him. Its weird, its hard, but he's my dad. He loves me no matter how bad I screw up and I will do the same for him. The other two however aren't wired like that. They can't get past what he did to mom. Most likely, they probably never will. But its all about choices. And in case it is relevant, our ages are: Sister-25, Me-26, Brother-30.

[herenow]

My dad did nearly the same thing. I was 1 of 3 kids who did not alienate him. 3 years after the divorce my brother still hates his guts, ignores his calls, won't respond to his letters or emails. And stands him up out of spite. My sister has sort of come around. Mostly when she needs something. Behind his back its all, I hate him for this, he's a lying sack of s**t, I can't trust him, blah blah blah.

 

I however have discussed with him that his actions were dishonorable, hurtful, and shameful. But I still love him. We have always been close and always will. But this just forced us to tread safer, we've had many issues about him venting about the divorce, or retelling the past incorrectly making my mom look like a witch, and his GF has many times overstepped her bounds and has been jealous of my relationship with him. Its weird, its hard, but he's my dad. He loves me no matter how bad I screw up and I will do the same for him. The other two however aren't wired like that. They can't get past what he did to mom. Most likely, they probably never will. But its all about choices. And in case it is relevant, our ages are: Sister-25, Me-26, Brother-30.

 

Do they hate him because of his actions? Or, do they hate him because your mother told them they should?

[Mimolicious]

I resonate with HN yet it still boggles my mind a bit.

 

At least IME, my kids have been exposed to some of the drama that their father brought into our lives. Of course, I was the one to blame for the things they have been exposed to. REALLY? because the cops were here arresting people because of what I DID? Right...

 

I love the fact that a person behaves wrecklessly and careless, yet when they have to deal with the consequences it is everyone else's fault. It's the world against them. Nice! Or is it because there are people (as we can see on this thread) that patronize poor behavior by minimizing how far infidelity really stretches? If they are children in a M that is dealing with this issue, those children will eventually be exposed one way or another to the reality of things. Yes, there are BS's that totally abuse their children while they are at it, in retaliation to the cheating parent. Those are the extreme. May be the case here, yet these kids are adults. They have a better grip at processing their thoughts and feelings. Why all the blame shifting?

 

But anyway, I guess we are just conversing with each other, because the OP has been left the building.

[flying]

My best friend's father left his wife for another women when the kids were both adults (in their 20s). It was a big shock, but at first I think the kids might have had some sympathy for him - my friend's mom really was emotionally unstable and had been a source of strife throughout their childhood.

 

BUT. Their relationships are now very strained with him - not because of their mom, but because of how he related to them after the split. He had been in the position of long-suffering partner, I suppose, and so I get the sense he felt somewhat self-righteous in choosing his happiness after many years. But he didn't give his kids a chance to adjust to the new situation - he was angry with them for feeling upset, they wanted time alone with him to adjust and he insisted that his new partner be there when he saw them, he refused to talk with them about why they might be uncomfortable because he thought they should just go with it and move on, like he had. I guess he wanted to normalize the new situation as quickly as possible - but forcing that on people too soon is really unfair, and he had no empathy for what it was like for them. They were both really hurt by that.

 

In short, although he may have had good reason for leaving his marriage, his own behavior in the aftermath is what really hurt his relationship with his kids. They just don't see him the same way anymore.

[Dexter Morgan]

He was terrified his family would hate him, (just had he had when his father M the OW) and asked me to lie to his W. At the time I thought he was looking after his own ass so told his W the truth when she rang me, suprise, suprise, he was right and they ALL blame me including him.

 

they can blame each other if there is problems in the marriage.

 

but as far as the affair, they CAN blame both of you.

[NoIDidn't]

My best friend's father left his wife for another women when the kids were both adults (in their 20s). It was a big shock, but at first I think the kids might have had some sympathy for him - my friend's mom really was emotionally unstable and had been a source of strife throughout their childhood.

 

BUT. Their relationships are now very strained with him - not because of their mom, but because of how he related to them after the split. He had been in the position of long-suffering partner, I suppose, and so I get the sense he felt somewhat self-righteous in choosing his happiness after many years. But he didn't give his kids a chance to adjust to the new situation - he was angry with them for feeling upset, they wanted time alone with him to adjust and he insisted that his new partner be there when he saw them, he refused to talk with them about why they might be uncomfortable because he thought they should just go with it and move on, like he had. I guess he wanted to normalize the new situation as quickly as possible - but forcing that on people too soon is really unfair, and he had no empathy for what it was like for them. They were both really hurt by that.

 

In short, although he may have had good reason for leaving his marriage, his own behavior in the aftermath is what really hurt his relationship with his kids. They just don't see him the same way anymore.

 

I agree that this is likely the case in most instances when it comes to children that are old enough to know what they want and need from the leaving parent and not get it.

 

Those in this position should consider family counseling, but they rarely do. Instead they usually resort to the same kind of thing that happened in this thread - blaming the left party for poisoning the minds of the kids against them when their own actions have done the deed just as well as anything the abandoned partner could have said.

[desertIslandCactus]

In a divorce, children suffer the rejection as well. After all the parent did choose to leave.

 

If loved ones suffer rejection when when a family member takes their life .. surely the rejection suffered in divorce would be the same or greater..

[Spark1111]

My best friend's father left his wife for another women when the kids were both adults (in their 20s). It was a big shock, but at first I think the kids might have had some sympathy for him - my friend's mom really was emotionally unstable and had been a source of strife throughout their childhood.

 

BUT. Their relationships are now very strained with him - not because of their mom, but because of how he related to them after the split. He had been in the position of long-suffering partner, I suppose, and so I get the sense he felt somewhat self-righteous in choosing his happiness after many years. But he didn't give his kids a chance to adjust to the new situation - he was angry with them for feeling upset, they wanted time alone with him to adjust and he insisted that his new partner be there when he saw them, he refused to talk with them about why they might be uncomfortable because he thought they should just go with it and move on, like he had. I guess he wanted to normalize the new situation as quickly as possible - but forcing that on people too soon is really unfair, and he had no empathy for what it was like for them. They were both really hurt by that.

 

In short, although he may have had good reason for leaving his marriage, his own behavior in the aftermath is what really hurt his relationship with his kids. They just don't see him the same way anymore.

 

Hence, another sorry tale where the parent refuses to acknowledge or accept feelings other than their own.