Dexter Morgan Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 a hero doesn't go out of his way to so completely disrespect the person his children love so incredibly much ... only a jerk does. And believe you me, those kids will support their mom, because she's been wronged by a selfish, inconsiderate jerk. AMEN to that!
Mimolicious Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 By the way, Superman, X-Man, Spider-Man, and Batman called. They are taken and only roll with Wonder Woman, Bionic Woman, Bat Girl, Super Girl, they don't want their names dragged in mud. Please. Kids grow up and one day they know the truth. The truth will always come out. If people really cared about their rep they wouldn't do half the nonsense they do. A men's integrity is measured by what he does when noone is watching. Parenting is a selfless act, not that you should not live out your desires, but at least with some dignity and grace. There are things that I'd love to do but I am an adult, responsible for few lives... sure I want to tell my boss to suck it! Then when my kids go to the dentist, I am sure going to be sucking on the NO INSURANCE BILL. See... Action-reaction!
2sunny Posted October 26, 2010 Posted October 26, 2010 yep ... for every action there is a reaction... his action is getting a reaction from his wife and kids. the reaction is appropriate given his circumstances that HE created. he cheated = they aren't happy. seems about right for a family unit that's being blown apart. i'd be shocked if the kids were standing there all happy - you'd be wondering why they are so happy, no? it's true that IF he HADN'T done all of what he did (cheated) - there would be no reaction. it's all his doing. let HIM deal with it. it's not yours to do. it's his. HE created it - he's got to deal with the consequences of what his actions created. IF that's being at odds with his kids because of his bad behavior... then that's the way it is... there is nothing YOU can do about that.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 He has left his wife for me, his family hate him Hi, I will try and keep this brief. I have been having an affair with a MM for just over a year now. He has been married over 30 years and has 3 adult children, all living out of the family home. he has had a few affairs and numorous one night stands. One affair was with his wife's best friend which lasted for 2 years. He had not had not cheated in his wife for about 5 years, then he met me. I am 20 years younger than him. About 4 months ago I told him it had to end as it was getting too serious and I was starting to feel too much for him. I could never ask him to leave his family for me so thought it was best to end it. He and his wife had both admitted to having an unfullfulled marriage for the last 10 years or so, she had even told him she no longer lived him in 'that' way. He didn't want to loose me so he told his wife about our affair and told her he wanted to be with me. She was shocked but forgave him and begged him to stay. He then told me he was staying. I was quite upset as I couldn't understand why he'd tell her and then choose to stay. Anyway we couldn't keep away from eachother (although we both tried) he told me things were getting worse at home. About 2 months later he'd called me up and told me he'd just left home. We gave been together since. The day after he left home they told their children, things were ok for a few weeks, they told him they still loved him but were hurt and mad. Today his wife has completely excommunicated him and his children are no longer speaking with him. I feel awful for him, they have told him they hate him and think he is pathetic. He loves them so much and is in bits because he feels that he is no longer their 'hero'. I am doing my best to stick by him, look after him and reassure him. Is there anyone out there that has gone through similar? I feel guilty and I feel frustrated that they are blaming him. They don't seem to see that both his parents are responsible for the breakdown in his marriage. I get frustrated that they are labelling him as the bad guy. You are so much further along than most ever get. Most will never leave their wives for the OW. Now you need only deal with the old adage: "A man who marries his mistress is only creating an opening for the position". At any rate, just keep going forward, looking only ahead, and let things 'settle' somewhat on his side. YOU don't need anything to be going any certain way over on the side of his family.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 You are so much further along than most ever get. Most will never leave their wives for the OW. Now you need only deal with the old adage: "A man who marries his mistress is only creating an opening for the position". At any rate, just keep going forward, looking only ahead, and let things 'settle' somewhat on his side. YOU don't need anything to be going any certain way over on the side of his family. Yeah, that's just consolation for those BS's who find themselves divorced and OP's who don't wind up with their MP. For those of us who have ended up with our loves it sounds like sour grapes. GEL
kuma Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 These children are now adults and need to respect their father's decision, even if they don't agree with it. Maybe they need to accept his decision? If you respect someone, you think highly of him/her. I don't think they can respect his decision, if they don't agree with it.
juicyfruit62 Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that if he was out boning other women, he wasn't at home being a father. bull....they don't have to respect anything from someone that deserves no respect. he didn't treat their mother with respect when he was cheating all those years, he isn't then owed respect. respect his decision? get real? respect cheating on their mother? I've heard it all now. cheating is to be respected? Dexter, it's obvious you have some unresolved issues you really need to address and that you are a very concrete thinker ....you need to read my post again....I said they should respect his DECISION, not his cheating or his behaviour. He is an adult with his own life to lead and his own decisions to make. And I'll say it once again, neither YOU or anyone else on here have any idea when he was or wasn't home, or what sort of a father he was to his children.
bentnotbroken Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Dexter, it's obvious you have some unresolved issues you really need to address and that you are a very concrete thinker ....you need to read my post again....I said they should respect his DECISION, not his cheating or his behaviour. He is an adult with his own life to lead and his own decisions to make. And I'll say it once again, neither YOU or anyone else on here have any idea when he was or wasn't home, or what sort of a father he was to his children. He was a father who had more than 20 affairs, not the best role model even for chimps.
juicyfruit62 Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 He was a father who had more than 20 affairs, not the best role model even for chimps. He may have been a very good father to his children, just not a good husband to his wife...I don't think the two are necessarily mutually exclusive. He may have kept his extramarital affairs totally separate from his family life, and as I stated before, his children could very well have not even been aware they were going on. So many holier than thou attitudes on here.
bentnotbroken Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 He may have been a very good father to his children, just not a good husband to his wife...I don't think the two are necessarily mutually exclusive. He may have kept his extramarital affairs totally separate from his family life, and as I stated before, his children could very well have not even been aware they were going on. So many holier than thou attitudes on here. You can't behave with such reckless disregard for the life of one and display loving tendencies toward the one's who came from her. Most theories of psychology suggest that our consistent actions are who we are. His consistent actions show him to be deceitful, selfish, immature and full of contempt for every woman he has dealt with in his life. His wife and his affair partners. He is mentality is no different than a serial rapist, a person who embezzles millions from working people's retirement plans or pedophiles. His M.O. is to fine someone to take advantage of and do it for his own selfish reasons with complete disregard for the impact it will have on the lives of others. That is his core, he can't give what he doesn't have. And in his case it appears the only thing he might be able to give is a screw.
juicyfruit62 Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 You can't behave with such reckless disregard for the life of one and display loving tendencies toward the one's who came from her. Most theories of psychology suggest that our consistent actions are who we are. His consistent actions show him to be deceitful, selfish, immature and full of contempt for every woman he has dealt with in his life. His wife and his affair partners. He is mentality is no different than a serial rapist, a person who embezzles millions from working people's retirement plans or pedophiles. His M.O. is to fine someone to take advantage of and do it for his own selfish reasons with complete disregard for the impact it will have on the lives of others. That is his core, he can't give what he doesn't have. And in his case it appears the only thing he might be able to give is a screw. WTF??? The way your mind works is pretty scary bent. The mentality may or may not be the same, you don't know the motivation behind his cheating, just as you don't know anything about his family life, however the end result is very different...adultery with a willing partner is not against the law, unlike the the extreme criminal acts you have listed above. There's really no comparison.
woinlove Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 So many holier than thou attitudes on here. Aren't you the one saying his children need to do this, his children should do that, ... What kind of attitude leads you to proclaim what his children need to think? People arguing that someone who has had 20 affairs has a problem make perfect sense. Affairs involve lying and deception and treating others badly. But, making the judgement that the children are wrong in their reaction doesn't make much sense. I assume such judgement must come from something inside you, because you really can't know what these children have been through.
BB07 Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 I feel I'm qualified to respond since the subject is about a man who is a father and he is a serial cheater. JuicyFruit....My father was a serial cheater......this started when I was about 9 years old. So.....JF....you need to pull your head out of your.....(well you know where I'm talking about;)) and get it that a father who behaves in this way does a lot of damage to his children. There is no way in hell that he can completely separate his cheating ways from himself as a father and protect his children from his other life. NO WAY! I just turned 50 years old and although I've always tried to rise above it, it has skewed my choices in my own life in my relationships with men.
Fieldsofgold Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Billie, My MM left his M, got a D and married me, right away. When they leave, there is a time of adjustment. Of course it is normal that his children are upset their parents are getting a D. Don't worry about his M. That is between them. As long as he is getting a D and your R is priority, just do the best you can. Be there for each other, listen to each other and soothe each other. DO NOT FOCUS ON THEIR M AT ALL. It's not about THEM. They have to take care of their own business. You take care of YOURS. Eventually, everyone gets over it and goes on with their lives. He is their father, and will always be their father no matter who he is married to or divorced to. Of course he will be thought of as the villain because of how he went about it. But his family will forgive him and get over it. And that's what matters. As for his W's approach, maybe she thinks if she uses the kids against him, he will come back. Just communicate with each other. It's a crazy time when they leave. It's full of dynamic changes and your R will change if it's meant to progress. Take the advice that makes sense to you and leave the rest. You'll get lots of judgment and the advice to stay away until the ink's dry. If you love him and see a future with him, I suggest not deserting him when he needs you most. My H and I made it through together. It took lots of love and work and forgiveness. No one's perfect and you two will make mistakes. Just work through it together. GEL about the bolded, above. I thought you said on another recent post that you dated your MM for a year wihout knowing he was married, then another two years after that. I'm not asking to be snarky or anything like that. I'm just confused, because the bolded part makes it sound, to me at least, like it happened very quickly, not over the course of three years. (IME, you probably would have a more sound relationship, being involved with each other for three years prior to M) About his adult kids - it could go either way. Sometimes people forgive, sometimes they don't. It may be that now this affair is out, they may have started putting 2+2 together about things from the past. They may not have realizes the parents' M was "dead." They might blame the death of it on his A. Any way you slice it, it was a crappy way to do his W of 30 years, and who can blame them for being pissed that he chose to hurt someone they love dearly. It also tells me that his W must have been a fairly good W and kind person, or they wouldn't be so angry with him. For example, who would have blamed anyone for leaving my mother? Certainly not me, even when I was a little kid, because we all were painfully aware of her problems! So they are angry that he hurt someone who likely didn't deserve it. That's their right. My greater concern is that you have hooked up with a serial cheater. This is a huge red flag. In the success stories that I have read here (GEL, SG and others), their MM were not serial cheaters. They were men who were married to women who, well, let's just say, no one would blame the MM for leaving! Those women had real issues. Your MM wife doesn't sound like that. Through your MM's multiple affairs, he probably wasn't as sweet and loving and caring and tender toward his W as he could have been. Perhaps his indifference killed their sex life. Who knows, but it's possible that if he was having multiple affairs he might have been a crappy husband during that time, and his behavior may have had a lot to do with the death of their sex life. Just sayin' that his W doesn't really sound like she would fit in the same category as the BS's of GEL's and especially SG's MM. So if he would cheat on an otherwise good woman, how do you feel safe? I think the serial cheater part is not good, not good at all. I think it is a much bigger concern than his kids.
Silly_Girl Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 WTF??? The way your mind works is pretty scary bent. The mentality may or may not be the same, you don't know the motivation behind his cheating, just as you don't know anything about his family life, however the end result is very different...adultery with a willing partner is not against the law, unlike the the extreme criminal acts you have listed above. There's really no comparison. I agree. I find it quite sinister to make the comparison between an adulterer and a serial rapist. That is an enormous claim. I also think it helps to illustrate the default stance regarding infidelity that are held by some people posting regularly in an OW support and discussion forum. I think that makes it hard for those who seek help, when they find themselves being judged by such extreme-minded individuals.
bentnotbroken Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 WTF??? The way your mind works is pretty scary bent. The mentality may or may not be the same, you don't know the motivation behind his cheating, just as you don't know anything about his family life, however the end result is very different...adultery with a willing partner is not against the law, unlike the the extreme criminal acts you have listed above. There's really no comparison. Motivations behind cheating are never a justification for the act of cheating. And my comparisons were of the same nature. It doesn't matter the motive there is no justification for any of the acts. Since I wasn't arguing the criminality of any of those things only the sick mentality of them your lack of understanding of what I was saying is understandable.
bentnotbroken Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 I agree. I find it quite sinister to make the comparison between an adulterer and a serial rapist. That is an enormous claim. I also think it helps to illustrate the default stance regarding infidelity that are held by some people posting regularly in an OW support and discussion forum. I think that makes it hard for those who seek help, when they find themselves being judged by such extreme-minded individuals. When I cross the line, Tony is quick to let me know. And since only BS do the judging, what do you call the names that have been labeled at me. I never spoke a negative word toward the OP. I spoke of a person who isn't even posting here. So where is the judgement in her actions by me?
bentnotbroken Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 I feel I'm qualified to respond since the subject is about a man who is a father and he is a serial cheater. JuicyFruit....My father was a serial cheater......this started when I was about 9 years old. So.....JF....you need to pull your head out of your.....(well you know where I'm talking about;)) and get it that a father who behaves in this way does a lot of damage to his children. There is no way in hell that he can completely separate his cheating ways from himself as a father and protect his children from his other life. NO WAY! I just turned 50 years old and although I've always tried to rise above it, it has skewed my choices in my own life in my relationships with men. Thank you BB. That's all I was trying to point out. Mr. Messy's parent was a serial cheat and the cycle continued.
BB07 Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Thank you BB. That's all I was trying to point out. Mr. Messy's parent was a serial cheat and the cycle continued. Welcome.... You know most of the time I feel like I've forgiven him, but yet it still makes me angry sometimes because I know it affects me and clouds my judgment, but yet at the same time I know that my choices are my own and I can't blame it on him, but yet.....I was just an innocent child and I did not deserve being warped in that way. Make sense?
bentnotbroken Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Welcome.... You know most of the time I feel like I've forgiven him, but yet it still makes me angry sometimes because I know it affects me and clouds my judgment, but yet at the same time I know that my choices are my own and I can't blame it on him, but yet.....I was just an innocent child and I did not deserve being warped in that way. Make sense? Yes it does. I do worry about my own children. They have told me they thought something was wrong with them when he was distant. They didn't know about all the affairs, but they could sense that something was off. Children aren't stupid. They may not be able to articulate their intuitions but they do know when something isn't quite right. There is no way a parent can put that much time into something requires so much time to weave and maintain lies and still be able to balance being a decent role model. It isn't possible no matter how much someone says it can be done. There is only so much attention to go around. Something is going to have to give. Though these children are adults, if in fact they chose to keep him out of their lives, he has only himself to blame. If we use the rationale that has been thrown out around here about him being a good role model, then chances are they will model his behavior toward putting them second and drop him way down on the list of necessary people in their lives. I do pray you get past the things between you and your father, heal and find peace. I had a rocky relationship with my father because of other things, and it ate me alive for years. I am glad we were able to finally talk about it, come to an understanding and build a new relationship before he died.
whichwayisup Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 I feel I'm qualified to respond since the subject is about a man who is a father and he is a serial cheater. JuicyFruit....My father was a serial cheater......this started when I was about 9 years old. So.....JF....you need to pull your head out of your.....(well you know where I'm talking about;)) and get it that a father who behaves in this way does a lot of damage to his children. There is no way in hell that he can completely separate his cheating ways from himself as a father and protect his children from his other life. NO WAY! I just turned 50 years old and although I've always tried to rise above it, it has skewed my choices in my own life in my relationships with men. Exactly. Sorry that you had to go through that.. A serial cheater may have the intentions of being a family man, a good father, but how can the actions match that when he's out doing whatever when he should be home with his wife and kids.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Dexter, it's obvious you have some unresolved issues you really need to address and that you are a very concrete thinker nope, no unresolved issues at all. still doesn't mean I won't condone, coddle, or think any less of cheaters. ....you need to read my post again....I said they should respect his DECISION i read it just fine. they don't have to respect his decision or anything else. they could respect both parents decision to split if it was mutual and before any cheating occurred, but they don't have to respect his decision to cheat and the way he went about dealing with the incompatibilities in their marriage. , not his cheating or his behaviour. He is an adult with his own life to lead and his own decisions to make. And I'll say it once again, neither YOU or anyone else on here have any idea when he was or wasn't home, or what sort of a father he was to his children. well if his children hate him, thats a pretty good indicator. and lets not let common sense get in the way of guessing that he was always home. If he were always home, he wouldn't have time to cheat, now would he? common sense dictates that if he was this enthralled in an affair, it wasn't just over his lunch hour. He DID rob his family of time so he could be with his OW. I know you'd really like to believe that he just did it on his lunch hour....sorry. And I'd like to hear OP come here and try to tell us he never met her after work and never lied to his family that he had to be somewhere, when he was really out sleeping with his OW.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 He was a father who had more than 20 affairs, not the best role model even for chimps. ya, and they all occurred over his lunch hour, thus not robbing his family of time:rolleyes: 20 affairs....the guy didnt' have time to be a father
Dexter Morgan Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 Yeah, that's just consolation for those BS's who find themselves divorced and OP's who don't wind up with their MP. For those of us who have ended up with our loves it sounds like sour grapes. GEL then just revel in your fact that you were victorious over the people who you gave these sour grapes. sucks to be on the losing end of infidelity. as the victor, I figured you'd have more compassion.......guess not.
Mimolicious Posted October 27, 2010 Posted October 27, 2010 I agree. I find it quite sinister to make the comparison between an adulterer and a serial rapist. That is an enormous claim. I also think it helps to illustrate the default stance regarding infidelity that are held by some people posting regularly in an OW support and discussion forum. I think that makes it hard for those who seek help, when they find themselves being judged by such extreme-minded individuals. What about the default stance regarding infidelity that are held by some people who create multiple identities to post in an OW... you get the drill. Why are we arguing and justifying the actions of a person who has fallen short of his commitment, again? I don't mean exactly the MARRIAGE one either. For the looks of it, this has become one of the most insignificant commitments in the universe, second to being a good parent, though. Then we complaint about society spazzing out and wearing filet mignon as attire. Whoever wants to say that a person's "extracurricular" activities do not impair one's parenting, then let me know where to look for one that can master this, I want to have another baby. Last I checked, nobody can be 2 places at once. Aren't yall the same ones that say that a 'marriage' falls apart because one person neglets the other, don't nuture it and blah, blah, blah... so what's the difference with parenting?
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