He has left home, now they hate him.

[pureinheart]

Bent, maybe the sarcasm in "hero halo" and him being upset about about not being their "hero" anymore was the difference. Fathers love to be their kids hero, I could see how he would be upset...

 

Just like the big sin little sin, when you post it sounds to me like having an EMA is the worst thing a person could do...just the way it sounds to me.

[pureinheart]

And my xW's family hated me....but i didn't care. My kids know my story they lived in the house so they know what I lived with. So when I booked....they followed. Yes I told them about my xMW but they know I was so unhappy for so long it didn't matter they wanted to see me happy. Even though my xMW never came I still kept my focus on my kids which I did during my affair and that never changed.

 

My kids did see me go through a bad time with both my xW and xMW but I came through okay....what they see now is a father who still makes them a priority and Father who is making the best of his life. With that said my x's family it's now almost 3 years and we all can just be cordial. Time heals.

 

If I remember correctly, you didn't cut your exW down.

 

Same thing happened to me twice, and granted the way I handled things could have been done differently. I was traumatised by what had happened in the M...both ex's hated me when they became my ex's along with their families...OMG, if their families knew all of the crap they did to me...but oh well, I knew what the truth was. Also I'm not a person who worries if people hate me...I could really care less.

 

I hate that when families get involved and take sides, but that is the way it is;)

[bentnotbroken]

Bent, maybe the sarcasm in "hero halo" and him being upset about about not being their "hero" anymore was the difference. Fathers love to be their kids hero, I could see how he would be upset...

 

Just like the big sin little sin, when you post it sounds to me like having an EMA is the worst thing a person could do...just the way it sounds to me.

 

 

I intended to the sarcasm. I don't get where you keep throwing EA into your post. The OP didn't say anything about EA. She said he had over 20 affairs. Yes, that disgusts the hell out of me and he deserves what kind of respect from his children or anyone else behaving like he is in heat instead of an adult with a brain stem that functions?

 

This is the second time you said something about a big sin/little sin? May I ask what are you talking about. I responded to the first one that there are not little or big sin, they all stink. Now what are you talking about? If my posts offend you in some way, feel free to put me on ignore or stop responding.

 

And if wanted to be a hero, maybe he should have tried acting like it.

[2sunny]

i'm wondering if Billie is going to respond....?

[2sunny]

and if her MM expected or still wants to be their "hero" it shows just how much he lies and pretends... no one would expect to be a "hero" if others knew the truth about all that he's done.

 

he is delusional to even want that - much less expect it. shows he must have kept up with the lies on such a big level that he believes they still think he's a man with good intentions and a man of character. oh, the delusions...

[Mimolicious]

You all make valid points.

 

His wife and children are not aware of the other affairs, they are only aware of me.

 

I have nothing to do with his marriage, I am not responsible for it breaking down but I have played a part in it ending.

 

I love and care for this man and it hurts me to see him hurting. He has attended councilling and admits he has done lots of wrong. He and his wife pretended to everyone for years that their marriage was ok nut behind closed doors it was not. He is trying to understand why they felt they had to pretend and why they had to shelter their children.

 

He is leaving because he has me to go to, so yes he had an affair and was unfaithful but he has admitted to his children that things were not right between him and thier mother, he has admitted to have not gone about things in the right way, but she still wants to make their marriage work. Because he doesn't they are not speaking with him.

 

Has anybody out their been in a similar situation? Did the MM leave the marriage?

 

(the bolded) and if he didn't he would have stayed in his "Miserable M". So how miserable was it that he didn't noticed in the past 10 yrs?

[Confused4Now]

If I remember correctly, you didn't cut your exW down.

 

Same thing happened to me twice, and granted the way I handled things could have been done differently. I was traumatised by what had happened in the M...both ex's hated me when they became my ex's along with their families...OMG, if their families knew all of the crap they did to me...but oh well, I knew what the truth was. Also I'm not a person who worries if people hate me...I could really care less.

 

I hate that when families get involved and take sides, but that is the way it is;)

Yeah for my kids sake my abusive wife trashed me big time...but through the whole ordeal I maintained a amicable relationship almost to a point of being to giving. This actually sent her mixed messages too. So I just maintained distance that's for sure. Time does truly heal and everyone has excepted how things are.

[desertIslandCactus]

(the bolded) and if he didn't he would have stayed in his "Miserable M". So how miserable was it that he didn't noticed in the past 10 yrs?

 

 

This is normally the case. Anything outside the M is an enticement, temptation.. not the rescuer.

[Dexter Morgan]

I am doing my best to stick by him, look after him and reassure him. Is there anyone out there that has gone through similar?

 

not exactly, but I have a friend who won't speak to his mother to this day from almost 20 years ago when she cheated on his father when he was in high school.

 

 

I feel guilty and I feel frustrated that they are blaming him.

 

huh? who are they suppose to blame? you? their mother?

 

who else is responsible for his cheating and betrayal of their mother?

 

They don't seem to see that both his parents are responsible for the breakdown in his marriage. I get frustrated that they are labelling him as the bad guy.

 

of course they are. they may be both responsible for the state of the marriage, but he is the one that chose to go outside the marriage to gratify himself.

 

you are only different in that he doesn't have to go through the trials and work of married life and raising children with you. You don't have that baggage.

 

so of course the new relationship with you is exciting and it was just easy for him to betray his wife AND his kids.

 

why wouldn't they label him as the bad guy? he is the one that went outside the marriage. they would have respected him more if he got a divorce then went out and found somebody.

 

so again, of course they are going to blame him. Its like having to put down an animal...sometimes its necessary...people understand why it needs to be done if an animal is in pain.....but do you give it an injection so it can go to sleep, or shoot it in the head making it an instant death? .......or do you torture the animal and slowly cut it open? The latter is the despicable way to do it....and thats what his kids see.

[Dexter Morgan]

I know it is going to have to get worse before it gets better I am just trying to support him and be there for him. And no it is not my place to do or say anything to his children, I just wish they would give him a chance to explain himself.

 

and what would that be?

 

"kids....your mother and I have just drifted apart...and rather than both of us mutually ending it...I wanted to get mine while I was still married to your mother.":confused:

[Dexter Morgan]

You all make valid points.

 

His wife and children are not aware of the other affairs, they are only aware of me.

 

ok, so it really didn't matter who he gratified himself with, as long as it was someone....and now somehow you are different?

 

I am sorry to inform you, but expect the same thing his wife got to happen to you once your relationship gets some age on it and is no longer new and exciting for him.

[desertIslandCactus]

ok, so it really didn't matter who he gratified himself with, as long as it was someone....and now somehow you are different?

 

I am sorry to inform you, but expect the same thing his wife got to happen to you once your relationship gets some age on it and is no longer new and exciting for him.

 

 

Or unless he gets too old, first .. But a man who still has left - the comparisons and memories of every woman he has been with ..

[2sunny]

ok, so it really didn't matter who he gratified himself with, as long as it was someone....and now somehow you are different?

 

I am sorry to inform you, but expect the same thing his wife got to happen to you once your relationship gets some age on it and is no longer new and exciting for him.

you can especially EXPECT that from a man that has had THAT many affairs while in his M. he isn't likely to change. he's a man that knows only cheating while he's with a woman. what makes YOU think HE will change?

 

odds are - he won't change. not for you... not for anyone...but himself. he's selfish and self serving - that we know. he will likely just continue on doing what he does best = cheat. is this what you choose for yourself?

 

YOU have choices. choose wisely, for YOU!

 

 

ps... since they only know of you as the one he cheated with - you now represent to them - ALL the women he cheated with... all of his lousy behavior that stems from his need to be with his OW through the years are likely to be placed somewhat on you - because to them - YOU are all of his OW... whether they know it or not. all the events that he was absent for... they will always question whether or not it was you who kept him from the family gatherings over the years. even IF they know it wasn't you - what YOU still represent is that they missed out on time and life experiences with their Dad because of another woman... in their mind = that's you. it's really a no win situation if you stay in it.

[bentnotbroken]

[/b]

you can especially EXPECT that from a man that has had THAT many affairs while in his M. he isn't likely to change. he's a man that knows only cheating while he's with a woman. what makes YOU think HE will change?

 

odds are - he won't change. not for you... not for anyone...but himself. he's selfish and self serving - that we know. he will likely just continue on doing what he does best = cheat. is this what you choose for yourself?

 

YOU have choices. choose wisely, for YOU!

 

 

ps... since they only know of you as the one he cheated with - you now represent to them - ALL the women he cheated with... all of his lousy behavior that stems from his need to be with his OW through the years are likely to be placed somewhat on you - because to them - YOU are all of his OW... whether they know it or not. all the events that he was absent for... they will always question whether or not it was you who kept him from the family gatherings over the years. even IF they know it wasn't you - what YOU still represent is that they missed out on time and life experiences with their Dad because of another woman... in their mind = that's you. it's really a no win situation if you stay in it.

 

 

:eek:You know I hadn't thought of that. This is probably true, not fair but true. If she is the known one, the other faceless ones will all be wrapped up in her because they have a face to place on who hurts them. Interesting dynamic.

[juicyfruit62]

Wow, so many harsh and judgemental people on here....I'm amazed at how many assumptions are being made about the marriage and about the impact of his affairs on his children over the years, for example...

 

"what YOU still represent is that they missed out on time and life experiences with their Dad because of another woman... in their mind = that's you. it's really a no win situation if you stay in it"....

 

WTF?? how do you people know that his children missed out? when they were younger they probably had no idea he was having affairs, unless their mother told them...my father did it for years and I had no idea.

 

These children are now adults and need to respect their father's decision, even if they don't agree with it. Billie, all you can do at this time is to support him and love him and help him through this. He certainly doesn't have a good track record! but you are aware of it and can make an informed choice whether you stay in the relationship or leave it. Best of luck.

[GreenEyedLady]

Wow, so many harsh and judgemental people on here....I'm amazed at how many assumptions are being made about the marriage and about the impact of his affairs on his children over the years, for example...

 

"what YOU still represent is that they missed out on time and life experiences with their Dad because of another woman... in their mind = that's you. it's really a no win situation if you stay in it"....

 

WTF?? how do you people know that his children missed out? when they were younger they probably had no idea he was having affairs, unless their mother told them...my father did it for years and I had no idea.

 

These children are now adults and need to respect their father's decision, even if they don't agree with it. Billie, all you can do at this time is to support him and love him and help him through this. He certainly doesn't have a good track record! but you are aware of it and can make an informed choice whether you stay in the relationship or leave it. Best of luck.

 

No kidding! Totally agree here!

 

I think a lot of posters are pushing their own views on the "adult children" here and what they hope their own children would have done if they were in the BS's shoes.

 

GEL

[bentnotbroken]

I think you can honor his decision without respecting him as a man or want anything to do with him. Those things aren't mutually exclusive for anyone in any situation.

[2sunny]

No kidding! Totally agree here!

 

I think a lot of posters are pushing their own views on the "adult children" here and what they hope their own children would have done if they were in the BS's shoes.

 

GEL

 

i've been in the BS's shoes. i never talked bad about my cheating H. all i ever told my kids was to love their Dad. he is the only Dad they will ever get.

 

they have their own relationship with him and whatever that is - is what they choose it to be... i stay out of it.

 

if and when they complain about him - i tell them to speak directly with him about it if they have something to say.

[woinlove]

These children are now adults and need to respect their father's decision, even if they don't agree with it.

 

I don't agree. The father can have as many affairs as he wants and can leave his wife for whoever he wants, including a woman his children's age, but his children do not need to respect this behavior or these decisions. And it seems they don't. If they would rather not have him in their lives right now, that is their choice. It's not just the father who gets to choose who he wants in or out of his life and in what capacity.

 

Billy, I wonder if the xMOW who was causing such problems a few months ago might have something to do with the sudden change in the family's view. Initially, they only had whatever the father told them to go on and they seemed to be taking it okay. They may have more information now. Whether they have true information or not, who knows. From how you described that woman earlier, I would consider her quite capable of causing trouble and the fact that she is a family "friend" gives her opportunity.

[Owl]

All of my kids are adults.

 

I would have NO expectations that they would be in any way happy with me if I were to have an affair and cheat on their mother. I wouldn't expect them to respect or support my choice to do so.

 

On the contrary...I'd expect that they'd probably respond in much the same way described here. They'd be angry as heck, probably stop speaking to me, and rally around their mom and support her through all of this. After all, she's the person who'd be hurt by my actions.

 

I'm not sure what's surprising about that, when you really think about it?

[Mimolicious]

No kidding! Totally agree here!

 

I think a lot of posters are pushing their own views on the "adult children" here and what they hope their own children would have done if they were in the BS's shoes.

 

GEL

 

Or is just simple reality? People who do stupid selfish things must be drinking from the same "peachy all-good" nectar. To every action there is a reaction. Would they be better "adult children" if they threw a bash for their cheating father? Gotta love how people do what tickles their fanny, once it starts smelling like the pile of shyte that it is, they don't like it.

 

Kids (adult or not) are entitled to their own emotions and decisions. If they don't like what their father did, they dont. Not like their father took them into factor when it came to his own decision making. So, be it!

My mother filed for bankruptcy, I was very upset at her irresponsible expending habits. Would it have made me a better supportive child to indulged in her lavish shopping sprees?

[desertIslandCactus]

Or is just simple reality? People who do stupid selfish things must be drinking from the same "peachy all-good" nectar. To every action there is a reaction. Would they be better "adult children" if they threw a bash for their cheating father? Gotta love how people do what tickles their fanny, once it starts smelling like the pile of shyte that it is, they don't like it.

 

Kids (adult or not) are entitled to their own emotions and decisions. If they don't like what their father did, they dont. Not like their father took them into factor when it came to his own decision making. So, be it!

My mother filed for bankruptcy, I was very upset at her irresponsible expending habits. Would it have made me a better supportive child to indulged in her lavish shopping sprees?

 

 

An OW is something that is inserted into the family unit. It causes separation and division. The relationship between the children and father is no longer the same, because of the added insertion.

 

Holidays are even more complicated for children because of the division.

[Dexter Morgan]

WTF?? how do you people know that his children missed out? when they were younger they probably had no idea he was having affairs, unless their mother told them...my father did it for years and I had no idea.

 

doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that if he was out boning other women, he wasn't at home being a father.

 

 

 

 

 

These children are now adults and need to respect their father's decision

 

bull....they don't have to respect anything from someone that deserves no respect.

 

he didn't treat their mother with respect when he was cheating all those years, he isn't then owed respect.

 

respect his decision? get real? respect cheating on their mother? I've heard it all now. cheating is to be respected?

[Dexter Morgan]

No kidding! Totally agree here!

 

I think a lot of posters are pushing their own views on the "adult children"

 

OP has given us the "adult childrens'" views. we don't have to say a word about that.

[quankanne]

Today his wife has completely excommunicated him and his children are no longer speaking with him. I feel awful for him, they have told him they hate him and think he is pathetic. He loves them so much and is in bits because he feels that he is no longer their 'hero'.

 

I daresay it's because they've learned that dear old Dad didn't just pork ONE woman, he porked a whole SLEW of women ... including Mom's BFF for two whole years. And what might initially be considered as "okay, it was stupid, but it was his business stepping out on her once" now becomes serious fodder against him. Why? Because it shows how selfish their dad is, and that he cannot be trusted with the truth since he's more concerned about his needs than the family's as a whole. Their mom is someone they love and respect, the same as they did him, by virtue of being the parents.

 

a hero doesn't go out of his way to so completely disrespect the person his children love so incredibly much ... only a jerk does. And believe you me, those kids will support their mom, because she's been wronged by a selfish, inconsiderate jerk.