He has left home, now they hate him.

[GreenEyedLady]

actually I think most women do the opposite. they protect the cheater because they do not want their children to lose respect for their dads. most women kick them to the curb. the guilt is the married mans and he often blames his wife for his guilt as he is begging his way back into the family. these men lie. they are seasoned at it.

 

Well, then we'll have to agree to disagree.

 

"They have a family, the WS needs to come home and try to make it work."

 

Loose paraphrase of something said in Infidelity threads on newly betrayed threads.

 

GEL

[jthorne]

Well, after reading that he is a serial cheater of serial cheaters (20 times), and the age difference is so great, I can't say that this is a very good bet. Soft landing, stepping stone, pass-through comes to mind.

 

The family drama just adds to (or in this case reduces) the odds of this being a happily ever after. He has a lot of interpersonal work to do pretty late in the game, and not much personal incentive to do it.

 

Of course, there are those that will say she should stand by him because she looooooovvveeessss him, but it takes more than loooooovvveee to make a healthy long-term relationship. This man hasn't shown that he is a good candidate for that.

 

So stick by him if you wish, but I encourage you to keep your options open. You can bet that he is.

[desertIslandCactus]

I have thought about this, I think that there are definitely as many bitter exes as not. I have known a lot of families fighting over contact with kids and it may not be cheating that's been the issue, but whatever it is, if it puts distance between dad and kids there's a huge contingent of mothers who are prepared to use it as a weapon. I suspect you know a better 'class' of ex than those in the cases I was familiar with.

 

A mother has a built-in protective mechanism.. I think it's perfectly understandable that a mother would feel great discomfort with having her children taken care of by a woman whom she has not chosen.

[2sunny]

A mother has a built-in protective mechanism.. I think it's perfectly understandable that a mother would feel great discomfort with having her children taken care of by a woman whom she has not chosen.

 

these "children" are likely adults closer toward 30 years old. they have a mind and a brain. they know right from wrong. they are grown up. they don't need to "be taken care of."

 

and they appear to have healthy boundaries! woot!!!

[desertIslandCactus]

these "children" are likely adults closer toward 30 years old. they have a mind and a brain. they know right from wrong. they are grown up. they don't need to "be taken care of."

 

and they appear to have healthy boundaries! woot!!!

 

 

I was responding to Silly Girl's post. .. which I considered her observance of a lot of families fighting over contact with kids.

 

I'm aware that OP's MM's offspring are adults .. just as mine were nearly adults ..

 

I will say that although my children were 17, I still had concern for them in the environment.

 

Because they worked for their father.. they went along with the program.. He later turned on them, anyway.

[Silly_Girl]

A mother has a built-in protective mechanism.. I think it's perfectly understandable that a mother would feel great discomfort with having her children taken care of by a woman whom she has not chosen.

 

No. No, no, no. No one is saying about the children being taken care of by a stranger or undesirable. I am talking about mothers alienating children against their father. Extremely common. Much, MUCH more common than fathers doing this to the mother.

[Silly_Girl]

these "children" are likely adults closer toward 30 years old. they have a mind and a brain. they know right from wrong. they are grown up. they don't need to "be taken care of."

 

and they appear to have healthy boundaries! woot!!!

 

I was EXTREMELY influenced by my mother when I wanted to find my birthfather (in my 20's) and I found it very hard to go against her wishes by being with him and his family in the hospice when I was 30 years old.

 

I do not think that children being of adult age precludes that the children cannot be unfairly influenced.

 

I am also not saying that's what's happened here.

[desertIslandCactus]

No. No, no, no. No one is saying about the children being taken care of by a stranger or undesirable. I am talking about mothers alienating children against their father. Extremely common. Much, MUCH more common than fathers doing this to the mother.

 

 

 

I have been there .. Always wanted them to have social contact with their father ..

 

Perhaps people misunderstand the diff of protection for their offsping in the 'environment'.

[2sunny]

I have been there .. Always wanted them to have social contact with their father ..

 

Perhaps people misunderstand the diff of protection for their offsping in the 'environment'.

 

we can't control what others do or don't do. this isn't really relevant to the thread.

[desertIslandCactus]

we can't control what others do or don't do. this isn't really relevant to the thread.

 

Yet you are trying to control my comments.

 

Relevant to the thread: When people turn their back on their families: It's usually not happily ever after.

[bentnotbroken]

No. No, no, no. No one is saying about the children being taken care of by a stranger or undesirable. I am talking about mothers alienating children against their father. Extremely common. Much, MUCH more common than fathers doing this to the mother.

 

 

Happen to have recently read some research on this. Statistics say it depends on the situation to whether either parents try to turn the children against the other parent. It says that women who haven't moved on or feel as if they were treated unfairly maybe more inclined to persuade children. By the same token, if a man was controlling in the relationship or left by the female they will equally try to persuade the child to see negative aspects of the other parents behavior. Just saying.

[2sunny]

Yet you are trying to control my comments.

 

Relevant to the thread: When people turn their back on their families: It's usually not happily ever after.

 

Yes, I dis think this would happen. before he told his wife I told him to think about all of these things, especially his children. I guess I am just posting here in case anyone else has gone through this, how did it pan out?

 

I know it is going to have to get worse before it gets better I am just trying to support him and be there for him. And no it is not my place to do or say anything to his children, I just wish they would give him a chance to explain himself.

 

the only one who can change what happened between him and his children is her MM. that is what i was referring to... it is not for her to handle... it's her MM's stuff to handle.

[WowReally]

He has left his wife for me, his family hate him

Hi, I will try and keep this brief.

 

I have been having an affair with a MM for just over a year now. He has been married over 30 years and has 3 adult children, all living out of the family home. he has had a few affairs and numorous one night stands. One affair was with his wife's best friend which lasted for 2 years. He had not had not cheated in his wife for about 5 years, then he met me.

 

I am 20 years younger than him.

 

About 4 months ago I told him it had to end as it was getting too serious and I was starting to feel too much for him. I could never ask him to leave his family for me so thought it was best to end it.

 

He and his wife had both admitted to having an unfullfulled marriage for the last 10 years or so, she had even told him she no longer lived him in 'that' way.

 

He didn't want to loose me so he told his wife about our affair and told her he wanted to be with me.

 

She was shocked but forgave him and begged him to stay. He then told me he was staying. I was quite upset as I couldn't understand why he'd tell her and then choose to stay. Anyway we couldn't keep away from eachother (although we both tried) he told me things were getting worse at home. About 2 months later he'd called me up and told me he'd just left home. We gave been together since.

 

The day after he left home they told their children, things were ok for a few weeks, they told him they still loved him but were hurt and mad. Today his

wife has completely excommunicated him and his children are no longer speaking with him. I feel awful for him, they have told him they hate him and think he is pathetic. He loves them so much and is in bits because he feels that he is no longer their 'hero'.

 

I am doing my best to stick by him, look after him and reassure him. Is there anyone out there that has gone through similar?

 

I feel guilty and I feel frustrated that they are blaming him. They don't seem to see that both his parents are responsible for the breakdown in his marriage. I get frustrated that they are labelling him as the bad guy.

 

Wow your story sounds very similar to mine except mine.

 

My xMM went through the same thing with his grown kids. When the dust settles the kids will come around whether's its because the wife told them they should talk to him again or if they do it on their own.

 

It will work out

[bentnotbroken]

Wow your story sounds very similar to mine except mine.

 

My xMM went through the same thing with his grown kids. When the dust settles the kids will come around whether's its because the wife told them they should talk to him again or if they do it on their own.

 

It will work out

 

 

It may or may not work out the way she and the children's father want it to. But I do believe it will work out the best for the children because they will take whatever steps they need to in order to deal with their father the best way they see fit. Whether that's through forgiveness and reconciliation or through forgiveness and no contact.

[fooled once]

their M is none of your business.

 

this is why i always tell any OW that IF they intend to be with their MM and he is thinking of leaving... step away from the chaos until his divorce is FINAL!

 

proper order helps. to stay away until he is an available man helps for a fresh start, a healthier start. IF he intends to divorce - he will - with or without you. WHEN he gets divorced - that is the time to re-enter his life... if he invites you to...

 

because things are out of order = they will always seem and feel back wards. you can't make it easier for him - he is responsible for his behavior and actions... not you.

 

YOU are responsible for your part... the way YOU participate. IF you choose to change that things COULD change. is that what you're asking?

 

are you considering changing things? or are you wanting them to appear pretty amidst the chaos? it's not possible to make chaos look pretty unless you start to change things to make everything different than the way it is. what are you willing to change?

 

nothing changes if nothing changes... btw, the only one you can change is YOU.

 

Completely agree.

 

So you think that a man who has had 20 plus affairs need his children to control him and find him disgusting? That's rich. They are so stupid that their mother can say "I command you to treat him with disrespect because I control you.":lmao: As if his years of cheating couldn't help them decide he was not worthy or respect. Hell if she was that good at controlling adults, I wonder how come she couldn't keep the child she married from cheating. Those kids need counseling alright...so they don't end up repeating some of his actions. Maybe mom can force them to go since you have no doubt she is telling them how to think and behave.

 

agree also.

 

Billie,

 

Give him space and distance and let him WORK THROUGH his marital issues - whether it be divorce or not.

 

It IS telling that the OOW that he was involved with "Jane" - he is allowing HER to manipulate him. Sounds like things may not be resolved there.

 

He is old enough to be your father - you two are of completely separate generations. He is probably close to 60 and you are in your 20's or so - do you really want to be changing his diaper and caring for him when you are so young? His kids are probably your age or older.

 

I can understand their utter disrespect for their father - he has lied to him, he has been disloyal to their mother and he has played so many games with all of them. Yet, despite all this, for some reason, you want to be with him. He is a serial cheater and doesn't know what "faithful" is. yet you want to be with him?

 

I don't believe he will leave his marriage (as in divorce). And if he doesn't, his wife will get 1/2 of what he has and possibly more. If she was smart, she would get alimony for life (and I am normally 100% against alimony - but in this case, she deserves it for how unfaithful he was to her and how he risked her health by sleeping with so many people).

 

He enjoys having such a young woman in love with him. His ego is so overblown right now.

 

Will his kids ever forgive him? Maybe - - Maybe not. But that is between them. And if they won't forgive him, they will never accept you. He will have to give them time and space to decide if they can forgive him for the betrayal of the family. I don't think they would have had any issue with him getting a divorce, it is the utter lack of respect he has shown ALL of them in his inability to treat others decently. He has made a sham of his family and the life they led. It was all a ruse to them and I honestly get why they hate him. He earned that.

 

If you have this desire to be with him - that's your choice. But stay out of his marital issues and do not try to guilt his children into feeling bad for telling him to stay out of their lives. They get to make that call, not you. And as this guy has proven to be a cheater and a liar, make sure you keep that in mind when listening to what he says. He has proven honesty isn't something he is good with, or loyalty.

[pureinheart]

And we know that she has been told the absolute truth because she was told by a man who had over 20 affairs.....:lmao::lmao:

 

First of all, we can only go by what people tell us. There could be a reason for those 20 A's, as I had a friend who literally had to go on the roof in order to get peace and not have to leave his house.

[bentnotbroken]

First of all, we can only go by what people tell us. There could be a reason for those 20 A's, as I had a friend who literally had to go on the roof in order to get peace and not have to leave his house.

 

 

No maybe you only go by what people tell you, I don't. I use other aspects of reason. And there is NEVER a reason for a grown person to sleep around unless his brain stopped functioning before his prefrontal cortex fully developed.

[pureinheart]

Note sure why you conclude that. This is what the OP said on this matter:

 

 

 

Just because his W's and his children's attitude changed recently, doesn't imply which person caused that change. From the past thread on this MM's former mistress (the so-called "best friend") causing problems, and acting like she owned the MM, it would not come as any surprise if she was causing problems. She wasn't happy seeing Billy and MM having an A, she certainly wouldn't be happy with him leaving for Billy.

 

I'm not saying it is the bunny-boiler former mistress, but, given the information provided in this and earlier threads, there is no reason to point fingers at the W.

 

 

*For the entire jist os this please refer to post #47*

 

It was that very statement from the OP that caused me to make my conclusion, it was obvious...after she excommunicates him they all of a sudden don't want anything to do with him...they are following suit with mom, not hard to figure out...this is also the conclusion of the two people involved.

[pureinheart]

No maybe you only go by what people tell you, I don't. I use other aspects of reason. And there is NEVER a reason for a grown person to sleep around unless his brain stopped functioning before his prefrontal cortex fully developed.

 

I'm not a suspicious person, and yes I do go by what others tell me about their sitches.

 

I had a gf that always had cancer, she used to use that whenever her H was going to leave her...what can you do? Myself, being her friend, I suspected but I had no way to prove any different.

 

If another person lies to me, it's their problem not mine, it's for them to answer to God to not me. You know as well as I do the truth always finds a person out:).

 

Bent, there are so many reasons as to why people cheat EMA's, I see it no different than any other "sin" per se. Things that one person might see as the "BIG SIN" maybe something another person doesnot seem as bad, and vice versa.

[bentnotbroken]

I'm not a suspicious person, and yes I do go by what others tell me about their sitches.

 

I had a gf that always had cancer, she used to use that whenever her H was going to leave her...what can you do? Myself, being her friend, I suspected but I had no way to prove any different.

 

If another person lies to me, it's their problem not mine, it's for them to answer to God to not me. You know as well as I do the truth always finds aperson out:).

 

Bent, there are so many reasons as to why people cheat EMA's, I see it no different than any other "sin" per se. Things that one person might see as the "BIG SIN" maybe something another person doesnot seem as bad, and vice versa.

 

 

I never said anything about a big sin or a little sin. Sin is sin. And there is never a reason to commit a sin, just an excuse from someone with poor coping skills if you know you are wrong. Which apparently he did since he did it enough times to have his "hero" halo removed in his kids eyes and now he is whining about it.

[pureinheart]

isn't that why you don't announce to the world that you are having an affair or that you did have sex with a married man because people would not approve? why do you think his kids would have been fine with it except for the mom turning them? most people believe affairs are wrong especially when it is their own parents involved in one deceiving their other parent.

 

 

LOL, there is A LOT of things I don't announce to anyone. As far as approval from the kids, or kids getting up in my business...nope. Grown is even worse IMO, they should love BOTH parents no matter what happens in their love life IMO.

 

I was led to believe by the OP that the W did have something to do with the kids acting as such. I agree with the OP that it was no coincidence, I think her and MM's suspicions are accurate.

 

Most of the people I know, and myself would never make our love for our parents conditional concerning their love life....EMA or not...

[pureinheart]

I never said anything about a big sin or a little sin. Sin is sin. And there is never a reason to commit a sin, just an excuse from someone with poor coping skills if you know you are wrong. Which apparently he did since he did it enough times to have his "hero" halo removed in his kids eyes and now he is whining about it.

 

I did not get any of what you are saying here, in the OP.

 

This is the fear of many WS's (mainly men as the mother usually has the most influence), is that the OP will turn their children against them. Personally if my kids would have been that shallow and thought so little of me as to play games in that manor concerning my personal life, I would have been done with them.

 

It's just the way I was raised. I NEVER once talked back to my parents. I never got into their personal business. They did not talk any mess about the other.

 

Right now my son is not talking to his dad (for his own personal reasons) and I don't like that. His last words to him was, "I'll see you at your funeral"...I will do my best to change his mind as his dad is his dad. His dad is going through a lot right now and I thought it was extremely insensitive.

[pureinheart]

Happen to have recently read some research on this. Statistics say it depends on the situation to whether either parents try to turn the children against the other parent. It says that women who haven't moved on or feel as if they were treated unfairly maybe more inclined to persuade children. By the same token, if a man was controlling in the relationship or left by the female they will equally try to persuade the child to see negative aspects of the other parents behavior. Just saying.

 

Bold, most definitely ....my daughters father and step mother tried to do this with me...it pissed me off soooooo bad because when he had an EMA I told no one, in fact I do believe these boards are the only place I've communicated this as there was not a reason prior.

 

He hated me because I would not come back to him, the stepmother hated me because she sensed he wanted me back...lol...no matter what, in that sitch I was screwed!

[bentnotbroken]

I did not get any of what you are saying here, in the OP.

 

This is the fear of many WS's (mainly men as the mother usually has the most influence), is that the OP will turn their children against them. Personally if my kids would have been that shallow and thought so little of me as to play games in that manor concerning my personal life, I would have been done with them.

 

It's just the way I was raised. I NEVER once talked back to my parents. I never got into their personal business. They did not talk any mess about the other.

 

Right now my son is not talking to his dad (for his own personal reasons) and I don't like that. His last words to him was, "I'll see you at your funeral"...I will do my best to change his mind as his dad is his dad. His dad is going through a lot right now and I thought it was extremely insensitive.

 

 

 

=Billie;3062155]He has left his wife for me, his family hate him

Hi, I will try and keep this brief.

 

I have been having an affair with a MM for just over a year now. He has been married over 30 years and has 3 adult children, all living out of the family home. he has had a few affairs and numorous one night stands. One affair was with his wife's best friend which lasted for 2 years. He had not had not cheated in his wife for about 5 years, then he met me.

 

I am 20 years younger than him.

 

About 4 months ago I told him it had to end as it was getting too serious and I was starting to feel too much for him. I could never ask him to leave his family for me so thought it was best to end it.

 

He and his wife had both admitted to having an unfullfulled marriage for the last 10 years or so, she had even told him she no longer lived him in 'that' way.

 

He didn't want to loose me so he told his wife about our affair and told her he wanted to be with me.

 

She was shocked but forgave him and begged him to stay. He then told me he was staying. I was quite upset as I couldn't understand why he'd tell her and then choose to stay. Anyway we couldn't keep away from eachother (although we both tried) he told me things were getting worse at home. About 2 months later he'd called me up and told me he'd just left home. We gave been together since.

 

The day after he left home they told their children, things were ok for a few weeks, they told him they still loved him but were hurt and mad. Today his

wife has completely excommunicated him and his children are no longer speaking with him. I feel awful for him, they have told him they hate him and think he is pathetic. He loves them so much and is in bits because he feels that he is no longer their 'hero'.

I am doing my best to stick by him, look after him and reassure him. Is there anyone out there that has gone through similar?

 

I feel guilty and I feel frustrated that they are blaming him. They don't seem to see that both his parents are responsible for the breakdown in his marriage. I get frustrated that they are labelling him as the bad guy

 

I think this is her original post.

[Confused4Now]

And my xW's family hated me....but i didn't care. My kids know my story they lived in the house so they know what I lived with. So when I booked....they followed. Yes I told them about my xMW but they know I was so unhappy for so long it didn't matter they wanted to see me happy. Even though my xMW never came I still kept my focus on my kids which I did during my affair and that never changed.

 

My kids did see me go through a bad time with both my xW and xMW but I came through okay....what they see now is a father who still makes them a priority and Father who is making the best of his life. With that said my x's family it's now almost 3 years and we all can just be cordial. Time heals.