September Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Slightly different situation because his are teens still living at home but... After D-Day, he was kicked out but chose to stay away for nearly 2 months. During that time, his w and eldest daughter constantly wrote him nasty texts and letters about me and what he had done to his family. In the end the guilt got him and he returned home. What frightened him the most was he knew someone that didn't speak to their father for over 30 years because he left for OW. He was terrified that his children would do the same to him.
greengoddess Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 his children are adults probably very close in age to the mistress. gel why are you blaming his wife and making her responsible for the actions of adults?
jthorne Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 They blame him for his actions of cheating...rightfully. He and his wife are responsible for the breakdown of his marriage but only he is responsible for alienating his children by his childish actions. You don't have the right to have a say so in how they treat him. Your only right at this point is to deal with him....nothing more.I agree. Their father is guilty of cheating, and deserves to be hated by his kids for that. His infidelity is NOT their mother's fault, it is his fault. So the marriage was crap before he met you... Why didn't he act like a grown-up and get a divorce first? That's what they are angry at him about. He needs to man up and start making amends. That's not to say he needs to return to the marriage, but he needs to own what he's done. If he doesn't, they may "get over it" eventually, but they will never forget, and their relationship will never be the same. If he's not willing to man up over what he's done, then it's up to you to decide if that's the kind of person you want in your life. Good luck.
pureinheart Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 (edited) He has left his wife for me, his family hate him Hi, I will try and keep this brief. I have been having an affair with a MM for just over a year now. He has been married over 30 years and has 3 adult children, all living out of the family home. he has had a few affairs and numorous one night stands. One affair was with his wife's best friend which lasted for 2 years. He had not had not cheated in his wife for about 5 years, then he met me. I am 20 years younger than him. About 4 months ago I told him it had to end as it was getting too serious and I was starting to feel too much for him. I could never ask him to leave his family for me so thought it was best to end it. He and his wife had both admitted to having an unfullfulled marriage for the last 10 years or so, she had even told him she no longer lived him in 'that' way. He didn't want to loose me so he told his wife about our affair and told her he wanted to be with me. She was shocked but forgave him and begged him to stay. He then told me he was staying. I was quite upset as I couldn't understand why he'd tell her and then choose to stay. Anyway we couldn't keep away from eachother (although we both tried) he told me things were getting worse at home. About 2 months later he'd called me up and told me he'd just left home. We gave been together since. The day after he left home they told their children, things were ok for a few weeks, they told him they still loved him but were hurt and mad. Today his wife has completely excommunicated him and his children are no longer speaking with him. I feel awful for him, they have told him they hate him and think he is pathetic. He loves them so much and is in bits because he feels that he is no longer their 'hero'. I am doing my best to stick by him, look after him and reassure him. Is there anyone out there that has gone through similar? I feel guilty and I feel frustrated that they are blaming him. They don't seem to see that both his parents are responsible for the breakdown in his marriage. I get frustrated that they are labelling him as the bad guy. Hi Billie, I think you are dealing with a very vindictive individual here. Kids, even adult kids are very vulnerable when it comes to their parents. This happened with me, exDMs (now ex W) tried to rally the entire family against him, it backfired and I can tell you that in time the same thing will happen in your MM's case. The last bold, those sound like his W's words. My suggestion would be to make sure you take care of you first...so that you can help him Edited October 24, 2010 by pureinheart
bentnotbroken Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Hi Billie, I think you are dealing with a very vindictive individual here. Kids, even adult kids are very vulnerable when it comes to their parents. This happened with me, exDMs (now ex W) tried to rally the entire family against him, it backfired and I can tell you that in time the same thing will happen in your MM's case. In bold, those sound like his W's words. There is a funny thing about grown children and families. They can make up their own minds. Your case it backfired, that wasn't the case here. Though I didn't need to turn anyone against him(he had done that himself over the years) the feelings of disgust at his actions came quite naturally and as so many adults are capable of doing, they will eventually come to terms and make peace with him or he will be expelled from their lives...without the mothers help. I know you find that hard to believe but it is more than possible and even likely.
desertIslandCactus Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 his children are adults probably very close in age to the mistress. gel why are you blaming his wife and making her responsible for the actions of adults? It's one thing to have fallen into this sort of 'relationship' and with regrets .. it's quite another to be an encourager of an adulterous situation that hurts so many people, and while boasting of the accomplishment.
greengoddess Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Hi Billie, I think you are dealing with a very vindictive individual here. Kids, even adult kids are very vulnerable when it comes to their parents. This happened with me, exDMs (now ex W) tried to rally the entire family against him, it backfired and I can tell you that in time the same thing will happen in your MM's case. The last bold, those sound like his W's words. My suggestion would be to make sure you take care of you first...so that you can help him isn't that why you don't announce to the world that you are having an affair or that you did have sex with a married man because people would not approve? why do you think his kids would have been fine with it except for the mom turning them? most people believe affairs are wrong especially when it is their own parents involved in one deceiving their other parent.
pureinheart Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Billie, my pc screwed up and my reply to you posted before I had a chance to finish. I can't say what the end result will be, although the best thing for him to do is lay low...most of the time when things settle down the kids usually go with the flow unless the H or W was extremely controling...and I can tell you without a doubt the W is running the show and is very controlling...this is outlines by their behavior towards their father. The kids need councelling as they have lived in and around unhealthy family dynamics. ExDM sucked up, and kissed butt, although finally got sick of it and they eventually came back...lol...after him seeing how they really were he didn't want them back!
desertIslandCactus Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 It's my experience that a man who cheats on his wife, also cheats in other aspects of his life. The offspring are just as well to be forewarned - because the father's lifestyle can turn to radically turning his back on his children further down the line, as well.
2sunny Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Hi all, I've been having an affair with an older, married man for 8 months now. I will refer to him as John. I am single. Honestly the affair started as I had just moved to a new town, didn't know anyone and was looking for some excitement. He has been married for over 30 years though has had over 20 affairs. His last affair was with a woman he works with, I'll refer to her as Jane. John and janes affair lasted 2 years and she was also married, infact her and her husband are very good friends with john and his wife. Their affair ended 2 years ago, they still work together and their families are still friends, no one knowns of their affair but she is still in love with him. About 5 months ago jane found out about us and has since gone into a state of depression, she has not told his wife however she has cornered me and told me I was a horrible person for conducting an affair. She then tried to warn me off him. I understand why she did this, she still loves him and me being with him is breaking her heart. I told her that I was sorry she was hurting but she is being hypercritical. Her depression was causing suspicision and she has had to confide in her husband, she has told him of my affair with john but not of hers. Life with john is good, we get on well, care fir each other and both provide eachother with something that the other needs, though problems are occurring, he is often unable to meet me or call me because he does nor want to upset jane. His wife is no bother, it is jane he has to hide from. She is integral to his business and he does not want her to leave though he equally agrees that she needs to stop asking him where he is going or if he has seen or spent time with me. I feel sorry for his wife and have thought about ending the affair and leaving them all to get back to their relations but I am fond of john and can get lonely at times. I don't want him to leave his wife or put me before her but I would like to be considered before jane. Because of his personal and business relationship with her they often socialise and it is this I get jealous of, not his wife. I would love to hear peoples thoughts on the situation. this is from your other thread. 20 affairs? wow, you are probably not his only OW even now. and who knows what he has told his wife... he lies - a lot, obviously since he has kept up his charade for that long... even being so hurtful as to engage in an A with his W best friend. betrayal runs so deep with him - i could NEVER trust him. not based on his pattern and history. you have stepped into this willingly. you are bound to end up with a ton of pain... get used to feeling hurt and pain. i'm really sad that you willingly choose this for yourself. you deserve better than that.
greengoddess Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 I think when the affair is revealed it opens their eyes to many things. the kids realize they were lied to too. the missed soccer game not for work but to be with his mistress. leaving the hospital right after the birth of his first grandchild was to fool around not for work. he knew mom would be at the hospital and he could get away with playing with his mistress. then the kids despise the mistress for taking dad away from important moments in their life. he didn't just lie to his wife daily he lied to his kids about his whereabouts too. what a blow to an adult child but sigh it's all the betrayed wives fault.
pureinheart Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 There is a funny thing about grown children and families. They can make up their own minds. Your case it backfired, that wasn't the case here. Though I didn't need to turn anyone against him(he had done that himself over the years) the feelings of disgust at his actions came quite naturally and as so many adults are capable of doing, they will eventually come to terms and make peace with him or he will be expelled from their lives...without the mothers help. I know you find that hard to believe but it is more than possible and even likely. The families in which the kids were mature (not just age, but emotionally also) and the parents, when there was a break up, no matter what the circumstances were, both parents were able to maintain very healthy R's with the children (grown). In cases where you have one parent running down the other, and has mostlikely had a little more to do in the kids life (influence wise) do to the other parent working to support the family (I am of course referring to one parent working and not two), this usually happens, the kids are vulnerable due to an unhealthy environment of gossip and character assassination of the other parent. I am not saying that we do not teach our kids the rights and wrongs of life, on the contrary...part of right and wrong is not gossiping and because I know I have a great deal of influence where my kids are concerned, regardless of what their fathers did...I demand they respect them and encourage them to love them...it is wrong (worse than and A IMO) to do anything less. According to the OP there is strong reason to believe in this case the W DID have something to do with the changed attitudes of their grown kids. I have seen this MANY times.
bentnotbroken Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Billie, my pc screwed up and my reply to you posted before I had a chance to finish. I can't say what the end result will be, although the best thing for him to do is lay low...most of the time when things settle down the kids usually go with the flow unless the H or W was extremely controling...and I can tell you without a doubt the W is running the show and is very controlling...this is outlines by their behavior towards their father. The kids need councelling as they have lived in and around unhealthy family dynamics. ExDM sucked up, and kissed butt, although finally got sick of it and they eventually came back...lol...after him seeing how they really were he didn't want them back! So you think that a man who has had 20 plus affairs need his children to control him and find him disgusting? That's rich. They are so stupid that their mother can say "I command you to treat him with disrespect because I control you.":lmao: As if his years of cheating couldn't help them decide he was not worthy or respect. Hell if she was that good at controlling adults, I wonder how come she couldn't keep the child she married from cheating. Those kids need counseling alright...so they don't end up repeating some of his actions. Maybe mom can force them to go since you have no doubt she is telling them how to think and behave.
bentnotbroken Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 The families in which the kids were mature (not just age, but emotionally also) and the parents, when there was a break up, no matter what the circumstances were, both parents were able to maintain very healthy R's with the children (grown). In cases where you have one parent running down the other, and has mostlikely had a little more to do in the kids life (influence wise) do to the other parent working to support the family (I am of course referring to one parent working and not two), this usually happens, the kids are vulnerable due to an unhealthy environment of gossip and character assassination of the other parent. I am not saying that we do not teach our kids the rights and wrongs of life, on the contrary...part of right and wrong is not gossiping and because I know I have a great deal of influence where my kids are concerned, regardless of what their fathers did...I demand they respect them and encourage them to love them...it is wrong (worse than and A IMO) to do anything less. According to the OP there is strong reason to believe in this case the W DID have something to do with the changed attitudes of their grown kids. I have seen this MANY times. And we know that she has been told the absolute truth because she was told by a man who had over 20 affairs.....:lmao::lmao:
pureinheart Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 2Sunny I typically agree with you but I think it would be selfish to step back while his family doesnt speak to him. If someone you love is hurting and is having a terrible time and you are a couple do you walk away? I dont think so. It would be one thing if he was thinking of going back. But Billie from what you say he isnt. JJ, I don't think he is either. It sounds much like exDM's sitch...
woinlove Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Billie, now that I have seen some of your earlier threads, I am really concerned for you, not for MM and how his family is reacting to him. Of course, it is up to you on whether you want to start a thread on your current situation, focussed on YOU, but that may be useful. It seems like this man really has some problems, and you sound relatively young (your earlier thread said 28 years younger than him, which would make you younger than some or all of his kids, but maybe that is a typo), and you mainly needed a good friend when this started, not a MM. Just don't act out of guilt or duty and do be aware that we usually desire most what we can't have and that element will disappear if MM ever becomes fully free. It does sound like he has a lot of baggage to work on and you should only take this on if you are sure being with him will add great value and joy to your life. From what you have written in various posts that seems highly unlikely.
BB07 Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 He has left his wife for me, his family hate him Hi, I will try and keep this brief. I have been having an affair with a MM for just over a year now. He has been married over 30 years and has 3 adult children, all living out of the family home. he has had a few affairs and numorous one night stands. One affair was with his wife's best friend which lasted for 2 years. I know you didn't ask for advice related to the part I bolded above, but if I were you, I'd be very, very cautious. A man with this kind of history, most likely has huge issues and I'd venture a guess that there is a lot of stuff that you are unaware of that has created this not healthy relationship with his children. The scars he has inflicted on them will most likely be life long and very damaging.......take it from a daughter who knows.
2sunny Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 I know you didn't ask for advice related to the part I bolded above, but if I were you, I'd be very, very cautious. A man with this kind of history, most likely has huge issues and I'd venture a guess that there is a lot of stuff that you are unaware of that has created this not healthy relationship with his children. The scars he has inflicted on them will most likely be life long and very damaging.......take it from a daughter who knows. scars...children scarred by HIS behavior... or lack of action and participating in their lives while HE was out DOING what HE wanted and prioritized... his 20ish other women through the years. a man scarring the children - the ones he supposedly loves the most... the ones he expects respect from... respect and trust are earned. he has earned nothing. if i were the child i would NEVER speak to him again. and they most likely don't have even a small percentage of the info you have... but they know... they always know because he was most likely VERY absent through the years and now he inflicts more pain on his family with his selfish needs coming first. since he has earned nothing = nothing is what he should expect to get from his kids. anything else would be greedy on his part. but we all know a MM such as this IS greedy... wanting what he should have and more... at the cost of pain to most of the people he claims to love. that's NOT love. the only one he loves is HIMSELF. let him sit in the crap he created. he is the man who will ALWAYS cheat. he has given you his evidence loud and clear... and you are begging for more of the same. i suggest heavy counseling for you to find out WHY you would make such a poor choice in a man for yourself. how can you possibly think staying involved with such a male is healthy or in any way good?
Carrot2000 Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 According to the OP there is strong reason to believe in this case the W DID have something to do with the changed attitudes of their grown kids. I have seen this MANY times. Or maybe the fact that their father has been screwing around on their mother for 20 years had something to do with their changed attitude. The kids probably could have made peace with their father leaving their mother for another woman, but two decades of deception is something else. They now realize that their father is not the man they thought he was or pretended to be. He didn't just cheat on his wife, he cheated on them, too. He's reaping the consequences of his bad behavior. I honestly don't understand why he's hurt that his wife and kids are disgusted by him. Did he think he could lie and disrespect his family for 20 years and they would continue to love and adore him?
GreenEyedLady Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 his children are adults probably very close in age to the mistress. gel why are you blaming his wife and making her responsible for the actions of adults? I'm not blaming the W. But it's a very common tactic used by those who have been betrayed and don't want a divorce. It's called the "guilt trip." GEL
woinlove Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 According to the OP there is strong reason to believe in this case the W DID have something to do with the changed attitudes of their grown kids. I have seen this MANY times. Note sure why you conclude that. This is what the OP said on this matter: The day after he left home they told their children, things were ok for a few weeks, they told him they still loved him but were hurt and mad. Today his wife has completely excommunicated him and his children are no longer speaking with him. I feel awful for him, they have told him they hate him and think he is pathetic. He loves them so much and is in bits because he feels that he is no longer their 'hero'. Just because his W's and his children's attitude changed recently, doesn't imply which person caused that change. From the past thread on this MM's former mistress (the so-called "best friend") causing problems, and acting like she owned the MM, it would not come as any surprise if she was causing problems. She wasn't happy seeing Billy and MM having an A, she certainly wouldn't be happy with him leaving for Billy. I'm not saying it is the bunny-boiler former mistress, but, given the information provided in this and earlier threads, there is no reason to point fingers at the W.
2sunny Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Note sure why you conclude that. This is what the OP said on this matter: Just because his W's and his children's attitude changed recently, doesn't imply which person caused that change. From the past thread on this MM's former mistress (the so-called "best friend") causing problems, and acting like she owned the MM, it would not come as any surprise if she was causing problems. She wasn't happy seeing Billy and MM having an A, she certainly wouldn't be happy with him leaving for Billy. I'm not saying it is the bunny-boiler former mistress, but, given the information provided in this and earlier threads, there is no reason to point fingers at the W. who's pointing at the W? we are talking about the MM, HIS behavior and how that relates to Billie. just to point out... i would be willing to bet money the MM still has something going on with his "former MOW." he allows her to act like she still owns him and his time and attention... something doesn't smell right there either. this MM is a creep!
greengoddess Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 I'm not blaming the W. But it's a very common tactic used by those who have been betrayed and don't want a divorce. It's called the "guilt trip." GEL actually I think most women do the opposite. they protect the cheater because they do not want their children to lose respect for their dads. most women kick them to the curb. the guilt is the married mans and he often blames his wife for his guilt as he is begging his way back into the family. these men lie. they are seasoned at it.
woinlove Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 who's pointing at the W? we are talking about the MM, HIS behavior and how that relates to Billie. just to point out... i would be willing to bet money the MM still has something going on with his "former MOW." he allows her to act like she still owns him and his time and attention... something doesn't smell right there either. this MM is a creep! I agree. PIH (and perhaps GEL) thought there was reason to think the W turned the kids against MM. I was arguing against this. On the MOW, there was quite a discussion as to whether something was still going on. Some thought she was a bunny-boiler who MM was trying to keep under control so she didn't cause a blowup.
Silly_Girl Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 actually I think most women do the opposite. they protect the cheater because they do not want their children to lose respect for their dads. most women kick them to the curb. the guilt is the married mans and he often blames his wife for his guilt as he is begging his way back into the family. these men lie. they are seasoned at it. I have thought about this, I think that there are definitely as many bitter exes as not. I have known a lot of families fighting over contact with kids and it may not be cheating that's been the issue, but whatever it is, if it puts distance between dad and kids there's a huge contingent of mothers who are prepared to use it as a weapon. I suspect you know a better 'class' of ex than those in the cases I was familiar with.
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