He has left home, now they hate him.

[Billie]

He has left his wife for me, his family hate him

Hi, I will try and keep this brief.

 

I have been having an affair with a MM for just over a year now. He has been married over 30 years and has 3 adult children, all living out of the family home. he has had a few affairs and numorous one night stands. One affair was with his wife's best friend which lasted for 2 years. He had not had not cheated in his wife for about 5 years, then he met me.

 

I am 20 years younger than him.

 

About 4 months ago I told him it had to end as it was getting too serious and I was starting to feel too much for him. I could never ask him to leave his family for me so thought it was best to end it.

 

He and his wife had both admitted to having an unfullfulled marriage for the last 10 years or so, she had even told him she no longer lived him in 'that' way.

 

He didn't want to loose me so he told his wife about our affair and told her he wanted to be with me.

 

She was shocked but forgave him and begged him to stay. He then told me he was staying. I was quite upset as I couldn't understand why he'd tell her and then choose to stay. Anyway we couldn't keep away from eachother (although we both tried) he told me things were getting worse at home. About 2 months later he'd called me up and told me he'd just left home. We gave been together since.

 

The day after he left home they told their children, things were ok for a few weeks, they told him they still loved him but were hurt and mad. Today his

wife has completely excommunicated him and his children are no longer speaking with him. I feel awful for him, they have told him they hate him and think he is pathetic. He loves them so much and is in bits because he feels that he is no longer their 'hero'.

 

I am doing my best to stick by him, look after him and reassure him. Is there anyone out there that has gone through similar?

 

I feel guilty and I feel frustrated that they are blaming him. They don't seem to see that both his parents are responsible for the breakdown in his marriage. I get frustrated that they are labelling him as the bad guy.

[sugarmomma]

Sounds like he has made a really hard bed for himself to lay in.

 

Didn't you consider this as a possible outcome??

 

Or did you think they would be okay with his decision??

 

Best wishes.

[bentnotbroken]

They blame him for his actions of cheating...rightfully. He and his wife are responsible for the breakdown of his marriage but only he is responsible for alienating his children by his childish actions. You don't have the right to have a say so in how they treat him. Your only right at this point is to deal with him....nothing more.

[Billie]

Yes, I dis think this would happen. before he told his wife I told him to think about all of these things, especially his children. I guess I am just posting here in case anyone else has gone through this, how did it pan out?

 

I know it is going to have to get worse before it gets better I am just trying to support him and be there for him. And no it is not my place to do or say anything to his children, I just wish they would give him a chance to explain himself.

[sugarmomma]

Billie, how would he explain? The disrespect, the lies, the deceit? They have a right to how they are feeling and I would probably treat my dad the same way if he did something like this to my mom.

 

He did what he wanted (have an affair and leave his wife).

 

Now they're doing what they want (which is leave him alone).

 

You need to give them their space. They may come around. They may not. Ever.

[whichwayisup]

About 2 months later he'd called me up and told me he'd just left home. We gave been together since.

 

So, basically he just walked out on a 30 year marriage, all that history, and straight into your arms. He didn't choose to be alone for a while, to let the dust settle, so everyone adjusts.

 

HE left his wife for you, that is how the kids see it and rightfully so. If you weren't in the picture he never would have left his wife, again, that's how the kids see it. Kids even though adults can still be affected by parents splitting up.

 

This guy is a serial cheater, he's cheated on her in the past numerous times and that's how he handles problems, instead of staying, talking and working it out, do counselling, marriage counselling etc, he cheats..

 

There are so many red flags and X's against you, I wish you luck.

 

My 2 cents on what you should do? Break up with him, tell him to be alone for a while so he can figure things out.

[woinlove]

I feel guilty and I feel frustrated that they are blaming him. They don't seem to see that both his parents are responsible for the breakdown in his marriage. I get frustrated that they are labelling him as the bad guy.

 

I assume their reaction is because they know of his affair(s). Is that correct?

 

His children are old enough to understand that two people are responsible for a marriage and its problems. However, they likely blame him for his infidelity. He must have justified his infidelity to himself over the years, but hopefully he has come to see how he could have behaved honestly. Perhaps he can try talking frankly with his children about this. That is, if he feels he has really learned something, developed as a person, and doesn't plan on repeating this behavior. He can talk to them about what he learned and how sorry he is that he didn't learn it sooner. I think his children would understand this, even if it takes a bit of time.

 

ETA: Of course, if he hasn't learned anything and thinks his cheating was due his W or M, rather than his own choice, then I'd suggest he get into counselling and work on himself. When he understands himself better, he can have a more positive relationship with his children.

Edited October 24, 2010 by woinlove

[2sunny]

Yes, I dis think this would happen. before he told his wife I told him to think about all of these things, especially his children. I guess I am just posting here in case anyone else has gone through this, how did it pan out?

 

I know it is going to have to get worse before it gets better I am just trying to support him and be there for him. And no it is not my place to do or say anything to his children, I just wish they would give him a chance to explain himself.

 

their M is none of your business.

 

this is why i always tell any OW that IF they intend to be with their MM and he is thinking of leaving... step away from the chaos until his divorce is FINAL!

 

proper order helps. to stay away until he is an available man helps for a fresh start, a healthier start. IF he intends to divorce - he will - with or without you. WHEN he gets divorced - that is the time to re-enter his life... if he invites you to...

 

because things are out of order = they will always seem and feel back wards. you can't make it easier for him - he is responsible for his behavior and actions... not you.

 

YOU are responsible for your part... the way YOU participate. IF you choose to change that things COULD change. is that what you're asking?

 

are you considering changing things? or are you wanting them to appear pretty amidst the chaos? it's not possible to make chaos look pretty unless you start to change things to make everything different than the way it is. what are you willing to change?

 

nothing changes if nothing changes... btw, the only one you can change is YOU.

[bentnotbroken]

Yes, I dis think this would happen. before he told his wife I told him to think about all of these things, especially his children. I guess I am just posting here in case anyone else has gone through this, how did it pan out?

 

I know it is going to have to get worse before it gets better I am just trying to support him and be there for him. And no it is not my place to do or say anything to his children, I just wish they would give him a chance to explain himself.

 

 

:eek:Exactly how does one explain years worth of affairs and one night stands and expect someone to see you as something other than your actions portray you as being? Explain what? My coping skills are so immature that I can only fix my problems by having sex with other women. Explain that he is a man in years but a horny teen in actions? How do you explain that to the children you raised to see you as someone to look up to? He held himself in a position he didn't deserve or earn.

[2sunny]

I just wish they would give him a chance to explain himself.

 

why would they be inspired to have a conversation with the man who pretends? they are smart to stay away from his lies and bull***.

 

i'm sure his kids know they won't get the truth from a known liar... a man who can easily pretend and cover up. a man of perfect deceit. a man who thinks of himself while causing harm to so many in the process.

 

 

why would you think this is a good thing for you? you will never be the priority to a man that is that selfish and self centered... is that enough for you to stay?

 

 

 

 

 

 

he feels that he is no longer their 'hero'.

 

i can't even believe you typed THAT!!!!!

Edited October 24, 2010 by 2sunny

[woinlove]

[/b]

 

why would they be inspired to have a conversation with the man who pretends? they are smart to stay away from his lies and bull***.

 

i'm sure his kids know they won't get the truth from a known liar... a man who can easily pretend and cover up. a man of perfect deceit. a man who thinks of himself while causing harm to so many in the process.

 

 

why would you think this is a good thing for you? you will never be the priority to a man that is that selfish and self centered... is that enough for you to stay?

 

Given the timeline, I'm sure you are right that this man has not learned much and would still be dishonest.

 

Billie, you should be concerned for yourself. A person has to go through a drastic transformation to change from a serial cheater into an honest person, who treats others with respect. I believe in never giving up on people and they can change at any age if they really want to. However, such a change takes a lot of work and time. Until he does that, you are attaching yourself to someone who is almost guaranteed to bring you heartache in the future. A person doesn't magically change just because they change partners. This man needs to change himself.

[Billie]

You all make valid points.

 

His wife and children are not aware of the other affairs, they are only aware of me.

 

I have nothing to do with his marriage, I am not responsible for it breaking down but I have played a part in it ending.

 

I love and care for this man and it hurts me to see him hurting. He has attended councilling and admits he has done lots of wrong. He and his wife pretended to everyone for years that their marriage was ok nut behind closed doors it was not. He is trying to understand why they felt they had to pretend and why they had to shelter their children.

 

He is leaving because he has me to go to, so yes he had an affair and was unfaithful but he has admitted to his children that things were not right between him and thier mother, he has admitted to have not gone about things in the right way, but she still wants to make their marriage work. Because he doesn't they are not speaking with him.

 

Has anybody out their been in a similar situation? Did the MM leave the marriage?

[bentnotbroken]

You all make valid points.

 

His wife and children are not aware of the other affairs, they are only aware of me.

 

I have nothing to do with his marriage, I am not responsible for it breaking down but I have played a part in it ending.

 

I love and care for this man and it hurts me to see him hurting. He has attended councilling and admits he has done lots of wrong. He and his wife pretended to everyone for years that their marriage was ok nut behind closed doors it was not. He is trying to understand why they felt they had to pretend and why they had to shelter their children.

 

He is leaving because he has me to go to, so yes he had an affair and was unfaithful but he has admitted to his children that things were not right between him and thier mother, he has admitted to have not gone about things in the right way, but she still wants to make their marriage work. Because he doesn't they are not speaking with him.

 

Has anybody out their been in a similar situation? Did the MM leave the marriage?

 

 

Mr. Messy left with my foot print on his a$$ and his children feel the pretty much the same way. He only needs to figure out why he wasn't man enough to leave instead of cheating. He doesn't have the right to try to figure out her mindset. You earn respect. He hasn't shown any, why does he think he deserves any?

[jj33]

Billie if xMM had left his W this could have been me posting.

 

The exact reason he didnt want to leave was his fear of his kids hating him. I kind of thought that was a cover because after all they are adults, they are sophisticated people surely they understand that people divorce...

 

His W admits to having said she no longer loves him in that way (meaning the sex is over or is incredibly infrequent) at that point there is often an understanding that hte couple will fulfill their sexual needs outside the marriage and its leaving that is the ultimate betrayal not sleeping with someone else.

 

At least that's the deal xMM had with his wife. Do what you like, go get a girlfriend just dont leave or there will be hell to pay.

 

The problem is they go out and get a gf (you in this case) and at some point they dont want to live that way anymore.

 

To me that doesnt make them the bad guy. I hope for your lover's sake that his children realize that they are being unreasonable. He has raised his children. He is not just a father. He is a man and his marriage now that they are adults is no longer subject to them and their needs coming first. I think its extremely immature and selfish of them.

 

You sound like you are doing all you can do.

 

Big hugs

[2sunny]

You all make valid points.

 

His wife and children are not aware of the other affairs, they are only aware of me.

 

I have nothing to do with his marriage, I am not responsible for it breaking down but I have played a part in it ending.

 

I love and care for this man and it hurts me to see him hurting. He has attended councilling and admits he has done lots of wrong. He and his wife pretended to everyone for years that their marriage was ok nut behind closed doors it was not. He is trying to understand why they felt they had to pretend and why they had to shelter their children.

 

He is leaving because he has me to go to, so yes he had an affair and was unfaithful but he has admitted to his children that things were not right between him and thier mother, he has admitted to have not gone about things in the right way, but she still wants to make their marriage work. Because he doesn't they are not speaking with him.

 

Has anybody out their been in a similar situation? Did the MM leave the marriage?

 

 

hasn't your "knight in shining armor" already left his M?

 

some leave, most don't. some leave and go back and forth, back and forth, on and on...

 

enough about him... what are YOU doing? are you just going to ride this roller coaster and pretend to be happy through the ups and downs? if it's always about him (which it looks like it is) - then you will lose YOU in this process... which it looks like YOU have.

 

why not step OUT of it all until his divorce is FINAL? YOU have that choice, are you going to choose what is best for YOU?

[jj33]

2Sunny I typically agree with you but I think it would be selfish to step back while his family doesnt speak to him. If someone you love is hurting and is having a terrible time and you are a couple do you walk away? I dont think so.

 

It would be one thing if he was thinking of going back. But Billie from what you say he isnt.

[woinlove]

 

I love and care for this man and it hurts me to see him hurting. He has attended councilling and admits he has done lots of wrong. He and his wife pretended to everyone for years that their marriage was ok nut behind closed doors it was not. He is trying to understand why they felt they had to pretend and why they had to shelter their children.

 

He is leaving because he has me to go to, so yes he had an affair and was unfaithful but he has admitted to his children that things were not right between him and thier mother, he has admitted to have not gone about things in the right way, but she still wants to make their marriage work. Because he doesn't they are not speaking with him.

 

Has anybody out their been in a similar situation? Did the MM leave the marriage?

 

Not too similar. One of my MM had 4 children, ranging from late teens to adults, and left, perhaps to be with me, although I didn't want him to and I ended it when they divorced. I was always surprised how supportive his children were of the two of us. They said they understood their parents didn't get along and thought the 2 of us got along much better.

 

My point is that older teens and young adult children can sense a lot of things about their parents. Meanwhile, this man is by his own admission a serial cheater, even having an affair with a good friend of his W, and numerous one night stands. You should not believe anything he says about the M or about his W. His children know a lot more about their mother and the M than you do. Again, protect yourself. Serial cheaters don't suddenly just stop lying.

[sugarmomma]

Billie, he left the marital home. Please don't get it confused. Leaving the marriage is actually getting a divorce. Has he done that??

 

If not, he wouldn't be laying up on me. He can still go back to his W if she will have him.

 

Remember, mm want affairs most times, not divorces.

 

If he is still married, you haven't even begun the pain and misery you're going to experience even though he left the home.

 

There are many stories on here of women with mm who left only to go back or never file for divorce.

 

Why would you put yourself in such a painful position??

[2sunny]

To me that doesnt make them the bad guy. I hope for your lover's sake that his children realize that they are being unreasonable. He has raised his children. He is not just a father. He is a man and his marriage now that they are adults is no longer subject to them and their needs coming first. I think its extremely immature and selfish of them.

 

 

Big hugs

 

HE hasn't earned the adult kid's trust. look, these kids have a boundary... looks like a HEALTHY boundary! they don't like his ACTIONS and are willing to speak their truth about it all. to make it all pretty when it is just a load of lies would be the kids going along with his lies. his actions suck. they KNOW it. they aren't willing to go along with his lies and pretending... good for them!

 

he will live with what HE created by his actions not matching his words. otherwise known as lies.

 

trust is earned. he hasn't earned it yet. he is getting what he created. YOU can't fix it for him. neither can his kids.

 

You sound like you are doing all you can do.

 

nope OP has choices too!!!! she can choose NOT to participate while he creates his chaos! come on... to be a victim of HIS chaos is back wards!

 

he has a ton of crap to sift through... to clean up and figure out. let him DO this on his own. it works better that way when you aren't his distraction through it all.

 

IF it is supposed to work out with you two - you can step into the R again once HE figures out why he cheats and how to not EVER do that again. until then, you are with a man who knows how to cheat and will cheat on you. he hasn't done the hard work it takes yet - to never cheat again.

[woinlove]

I think its extremely immature and selfish of them.

 

 

You think his children are extremely immature and selfish? Hmmm. Wonder where they might have got that from (if it were true)? So what do you think about their father having numerous one night stands and at least two long term affairs, one with their mother's best friend? And, really, add up the years. By his own timeline, it would seem his marriage becoming unfulfilling and hopping into bed with his W's best friend, happened within a year or two of each other. Who knows where he fit in all the other few affairs and numerous one night stands, since he claims to Billy that he has been faithful for the last 6 years, except for her.

 

Really, this man should have said his M went downhill at least 20 years ago for him to fit in all the extramarital sex. Maybe arithmetic is not his strong point.

[bentnotbroken]

You think his children are extremely immature and selfish? Hmmm. Wonder where they might have got that from (if it were true)? So what do you think about their father having numerous one night stands and at least two long term affairs, one with their mother's best friend? And, really, add up the years. By his own timeline, it would seem his marriage becoming unfulfilling and hopping into bed with his W's best friend, happened within a year or two of each other. Who knows where he fit in all the other few affairs and numerous one night stands, since he claims to Billy that he has been faithful for the last 6 years, except for her.

 

Really, this man should have said his M went downhill at least 20 years ago for him to fit in all the extramarital sex. Maybe arithmetic is not his strong point.

 

 

Along with keep his marriage vows.

[jj33]

You think his children are extremely immature and selfish? Hmmm. Wonder where they might have got that from (if it were true)? So what do you think about their father having numerous one night stands and at least two long term affairs, one with their mother's best friend? And, really, add up the years. By his own timeline, it would seem his marriage becoming unfulfilling and hopping into bed with his W's best friend, happened within a year or two of each other. Who knows where he fit in all the other few affairs and numerous one night stands, since he claims to Billy that he has been faithful for the last 6 years, except for her.

 

Really, this man should have said his M went downhill at least 20 years ago for him to fit in all the extramarital sex. Maybe arithmetic is not his strong point.

 

You dont know what went on in their marriage and neither do I.

 

We dont know whether the children are upset about the A with the best friend (which I bet you they knew about already) or the fact that he left.

 

The wife stayed after the other stuff. Billie came into this 5 years later.

 

The marriage was dead. I can appreciate that the children might be upset that he hurt their mother by leaving but other than what 2Sunny said about him needing to fix whatever is causing him to cheat before he can be a real partner to Billie, I dont see that is relevant. His W took him back.

 

So if his W took him back then she must have known about the best friend 5 eyars ago but noone would be so foolish as to get away with that and tel the spouse on the way out of the marriage.

 

And lets not forget (assuming Billie is being told hte truth) that she said she didnt love him that way anymore. It sounds like it was a dead marriage. She may have wanted to stay in it for various reasons. He did not. Hes not a prisoner

[desertIslandCactus]

 

I feel guilty and I feel frustrated that they are blaming him. They don't seem to see that both his parents are responsible for the breakdown in his marriage. I get frustrated that they are labelling him as the bad guy.

 

I'm sorry Billie - but the marriage relationship was closed. Their so-called problems were between the two of them, and to be worked out or divorce.

 

Infidelity wasn't an option - and although the OW may think of herself as a rescuer, in fact she isn't ..

 

Yes he may cling to you with the family turning their back on him, but it is still a loss that could have been avoided.

[2sunny]

You dont know what went on in their marriage and neither do I.

 

We dont know whether the children are upset about the A with the best friend (which I bet you they knew about already) or the fact that he left.

 

The wife stayed after the other stuff. Billie came into this 5 years later.

 

The marriage was dead. I can appreciate that the children might be upset that he hurt their mother by leaving but other than what 2Sunny said about him needing to fix whatever is causing him to cheat before he can be a real partner to Billie, I dont see that is relevant. His W took him back.

 

So if his W took him back then she must have known about the best friend 5 eyars ago but noone would be so foolish as to get away with that and tel the spouse on the way out of the marriage.

 

And lets not forget (assuming Billie is being told hte truth) that she said she didnt love him that way anymore. It sounds like it was a dead marriage. She may have wanted to stay in it for various reasons. He did not. Hes not a prisoner

 

SO many assumptions... what she said was this...

 

His wife and children are not aware of the other affairs, they are only aware of me.

 

still does not excuse HIS behavior. since his W and kids know of his actions with Billie - she has now become a part of it all too. but SHE chose that when she decided to step into the affair with her MM. that is her PART in it.

 

doesn't mean Billie needs to continue participating the way she has been. she can choose to step out of it until things are FINAL and her MM does the work to BECOME HEALTHY. until then, IF she stays, she will only get the UNHEALTHY version of the man he is.

 

knowing that is what you get for now - is THAT enough for you Billie?

[GreenEyedLady]

Billie,

 

My MM left his M, got a D and married me, right away.

 

When they leave, there is a time of adjustment. Of course it is normal that his children are upset their parents are getting a D.

 

Don't worry about his M. That is between them. As long as he is getting a D and your R is priority, just do the best you can. Be there for each other, listen to each other and soothe each other.

 

DO NOT FOCUS ON THEIR M AT ALL. It's not about THEM. They have to take care of their own business. You take care of YOURS.

 

Eventually, everyone gets over it and goes on with their lives. He is their father, and will always be their father no matter who he is married to or divorced to.

 

Of course he will be thought of as the villain because of how he went about it. But his family will forgive him and get over it. And that's what matters.

 

As for his W's approach, maybe she thinks if she uses the kids against him, he will come back.

 

Just communicate with each other. It's a crazy time when they leave. It's full of dynamic changes and your R will change if it's meant to progress.

 

Take the advice that makes sense to you and leave the rest. You'll get lots of judgment and the advice to stay away until the ink's dry. If you love him and see a future with him, I suggest not deserting him when he needs you most.

 

My H and I made it through together. It took lots of love and work and forgiveness. No one's perfect and you two will make mistakes. Just work through it together.

 

GEL